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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Spending quality time with my other child

43 replies

Senmum1981 · 23/12/2024 19:55

So we have 2 kids and one is autistic and non verbal and has started to display challenging behaviour and my other daughter is getting really upset by it as she is shouting at her to shut up and leave her alone . The autistic child keeps going for her we stop it but she keeps doing it .
in order to keep peace in the house I take the autistic child out to regulate her moods a walk or a drive or in her room . Anyway I took my other daughter out today and planning on taking her out again tomorrow cinema and spend time with her . My partner says it’s unfair I’m spoiling her and shout take them both out knowing that my autistic daughter won’t sit still at the cinema and will not watch it to a point where we have to all leave .is he right I’m spoil long the other one and treating them differently?

OP posts:
eacapade1982 · 23/12/2024 19:58

They have different needs, you don’t need to do the same things with both of them

DaniMontyRae · 23/12/2024 19:58

They need to be treated differently given they have vastly different needs. You are not doing anything wrong. If you take your autistic child to the cinema too you will just end up with your other child feeling resentful when the experience is ruined.

thistimelastweek · 23/12/2024 19:59

Of course you are treating them differently.
They are different people with different needs.

OrangeSlices998 · 23/12/2024 20:03

I think it’s fairer to spend quality time in a way that child enjoys - if one kid wouldn’t enjoy or get something out the cinema but you know your child would prefer something else, why would you force it? And why couldn’t DH do something with 1 child while you’re at the cinema with other DD? 1:1 time is great for all

ForkMeImToast · 23/12/2024 20:03

How about he 'spoil' the other child while you're at the cinema?

To be honest, sounds like he just doesn't want to have to deal with her so is trying to guilt you into taking both kids so he gets time off.

ThinWomansBrain · 23/12/2024 20:03

sounds as if your partner can't be arsed to look after the autistic child when you're out.

Original poster
Senmum1981 · 23/12/2024 20:03

He keeps saying it’s unfair your taking the other one to all these things but I know my autistic daughter can’t handle them and to take her there and suddenly leave it’s not really fair on the other one

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2024 20:04

Is he objecting to having your autistic daughter on his own while you’re out with your other daughter?

They have completely different needs, you’re trying to meet them. What’s he doing?

Original poster
Senmum1981 · 23/12/2024 20:04

That’s what I said to him I even said why don’t you take her out and il stay with the other one but he doesn’t want to

OP posts:
HPandthelastwish · 23/12/2024 20:06

Is he both of their dads?
Sounds like he just doesn't want to look after the more challenging child. Get him to research if their are accessible screenings on at the same time and he can take her and you can take the other to the intended screening.

OrangeSlices998 · 23/12/2024 20:08

Senmum1981 · 23/12/2024 20:04

That’s what I said to him I even said why don’t you take her out and il stay with the other one but he doesn’t want to

So he won’t do anything with either child on his own but expects you to take both kids out with you, even to things you know your daughter with ASD won’t enjoy and your other daughter then can’t enjoy?

BamboleoQueen · 23/12/2024 20:09

My eldest is autistic, my youngest is not. He needs time away from his autistic sibling where he can just be a child not a sibling carer. Some of the things he witnesses are akin to domestic violence. It's so important that he gets space and 121 time.

Your husband is being a bit shortsighted.

Original poster
Senmum1981 · 23/12/2024 20:09

Yup he’s both there dads . I even said il take her out this week to what she likes to so that way il meet her needs but he still says im treating the other one to more then the other i cant win

OP posts:
Guest100 · 23/12/2024 20:10

I think you just need to ignore him on this topic. Your daughter needs a break from her sibling. It’s so important that DD has time with her parents away from her sister, life tends to revolve around disabled kids. You should be doing this regularly. Perhaps next time don’t talk about your plans, just tell you DP you will be back later and take DD out.

Original poster
Senmum1981 · 23/12/2024 20:12

thats the thing when I have talked to him about it before and plan it he’s talked me out of it and I had to include my other daughter in the plans . I think I just need to do as you said book it and say we’re going out and that it

OP posts:
emmax1980 · 23/12/2024 20:13

Taking them both out separate is good. Maybe you could take 1 child each out one week and swap and have bonding time with both children.

RandomMess · 23/12/2024 20:15

Sounds like he doesn't want to tag team and not get his time off whilst you look after both.

Original poster
Senmum1981 · 23/12/2024 20:17

That’s what I’m beginning to think also . I mean I give him the option of which one he wants to do so it’s not like I’m saying you always stay with the ASD one I do ask him

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · 23/12/2024 20:17

For example, I’ve taken my daughter to a local pottery painting place without her younger brother (no SEN) because he’d ruin it for her and she loves it and loves the 1:1 time. And I’ve taken him out on his bike alone which he loves and she hates, why would I force either to do the thing the other hates?!

Stick to your guns, he is just being lazy and avoiding parenting

Original poster
Senmum1981 · 23/12/2024 20:19

Thanks for that I definitely will do that I’ve told our daughter we’re going out tomorrow just us and she’s very excited so now hopefully he can’t ruin it as he knows she’s excited

OP posts:
BookGoblin · 23/12/2024 20:20

Ask him to take them both out, see what he says.........

AnotherDunromin · 23/12/2024 20:21

Your DH is BU.
I have two NT kids and I take them out to do different things because a) they have different interests and abilities and b) I think 1-on-1 time with a parent is really important for children.
In fact, my DD has needed a lot of my time and energy recently, and today when I finally managed to have lunch and do some baking with DS, he gave me the biggest smile and said, "This is nice, isn't it mum - just us two". Kids need a bit of undivided attention from time to time.

Puffalicious · 23/12/2024 20:22

Tell him from me that divide & conquer is the only way to manage. We have a ND DC (now 12) after 2 NT DC. For mzmy years now we have taken turns to spend time with either DC3 or his brothers separately, or if going together somewhere we take 2 cars in case of differing needs/ need to come home early.

He's being very narrow minded. Tell HIM to take them both to the cinema & see how he gets on! Parenting an ND child is a hard, hard road, & he needs to read widely to understand.

Original poster
Senmum1981 · 23/12/2024 20:22

Tried that and got a panicked look and asked why what you doing lol

OP posts:
LuckyPaisley · 23/12/2024 20:27

AnotherDunromin · 23/12/2024 20:21

Your DH is BU.
I have two NT kids and I take them out to do different things because a) they have different interests and abilities and b) I think 1-on-1 time with a parent is really important for children.
In fact, my DD has needed a lot of my time and energy recently, and today when I finally managed to have lunch and do some baking with DS, he gave me the biggest smile and said, "This is nice, isn't it mum - just us two". Kids need a bit of undivided attention from time to time.

I was just coming to say this. Mine are both NT, but sometimes I take the eldest out to something a bit more grown up that her little sister won't enjoy. Otherwise they're always stuck doing things that are a compromise. And 1-1 time is definitely important for all parents and kids.

OP it's not fair if everything you do has to include the ASD one as there'll be lots of things your other DD misses out on. You know this already, shame your selfish arsehole H doesn't. Or doesn't care, more likely.

I'd suggest he starts taking them both out to places regularly - then he'll see how impractical it is.