Spending quality time with my other child

[Senmum1981]

So we have 2 kids and one is autistic and non verbal and has started to display challenging behaviour and my other daughter is getting really upset by it as she is shouting at her to shut up and leave her alone . The autistic child keeps going for her we stop it but she keeps doing it .
in order to keep peace in the house I take the autistic child out to regulate her moods a walk or a drive or in her room . Anyway I took my other daughter out today and planning on taking her out again tomorrow cinema and spend time with her . My partner says it’s unfair I’m spoiling her and shout take them both out knowing that my autistic daughter won’t sit still at the cinema and will not watch it to a point where we have to all leave .is he right I’m spoil long the other one and treating them differently?

Yeah he just wants you looking after both so he can just chill and scroll on his phone or whatever. Lazy sod

Does he not realise that the gap in what they each want to do/are able to do is going to massively widen as they get older? If you do not give your non autistic child individual attention then you aren't meeting her needs and she will resent her sister.

I had one DC with PMLD and another, 2 years younger with ASD. Their needs were vastly different so it was often one parent one child. We did also go out as a family when the activity was suitable for both eg trip to the zoo.

They are two different people. They both have different wants and needs. I think it's good for you to spend quality 1:1 time alone with each child. Honestly, I think their dad is put out that he has to parent and isn't getting a few hours on his own.

That’s the thing my other daughter is massively into active activities and my ASD child can’t do that . And it’s such a shame to say no we can’t because … it makes her hate her sister I feel

I imagine your ASD daughter will be happier being at home doing her own thing and will also be happy for her sister to go out, and leave her a quieter space at home. Your husband seems totally oblivious to the needs of your children.

You already know that you have to treat them both differently, and that you are not "spoiling" one just because she is capable of going to a wider choice of places and doing more things.

You have a DH problem. Ignore his moaning. Just carry on as you are: take each DC in turn and go out for an appropriate activity one-to-one.
If he won't shut up about it, go out by yourself for several hours and leave him with both of them.

My daughter is on the spectrum. My son isn't. My daughter is 12. My son is 8. My daughter likes ballet. My son likes crowds and noise and chaos. I take them out separately often (as does my husband) because they like different things. It doesn't feel that complicated.

We do things as a family as well but it's often adjusted in some way around my daughter's needs so we make sure to also give my son space to do the things he likes. It's hard to balance everything but we do what we can!

Yup she loves it cause it’s quieter and she can roam around and not have the other ones noise of computer games and you tube on her device

Your partner is totally unreasonable. I have the ND with differing needs and we do different activities with each that they enjoy.

This.

I would say it's potentially more about him dealing with the autistic child in your absence.

You and H needs to take turns in taking the girls out 1:1. While you take one out H can take the other out. Then next time swap children. That way they both have quality time with both parents and won't resent the other. The activity doesn't matter. That should be led by the child's needs/wants. My kids are 1 1/2 years apart but they have different interests.

Becsuse he doesn't want to care for the child left at home or?

I totally agree with the general notion that your partner's objection comes from a purely selfish position. It is entirely reasonable for you to be taking individual time with your girls. Just create a rota so you and your partner both spend 1:1 time with each of the girls, then he can't say it is unfair. You are doing exactly the correct thing, in my opinion. Both girls deserve time away from each other, I have always tried to do with with my 3 (1 ASC, 1 physically disabled & 1 trauma related anxiety). They are all late teens now and I still do it. They are all the closer to each other for it too. Everyone needs individual attention, particularly when they have extra needs to deal with. Well done you and merry Christmas.

Is he thick?? I presume he knows they have different needs? Maybe he could take them both to the cinema and learn for himself if he’s coming out with ridiculous comments like that

I have a similar dynamic in my home and absolutely you are not being unreasonable, they are different little people with vastly different needs, you have to wear many hats as a mum and this is a time where the umbrella ‘mum’ hat won’t work for both children’s needs to be met, it wouldn’t be fair to either child if you where forced to take both, your daughter with autism clearly does not enjoy being glued to a chair watching a film and your other daughter would enjoy that without having the leave early it makes no sense to take them both when it will end with an un enjoyable experience for all. Tell your dh he can spend quality time with one daughter whilst you do with the other and then switch your times up so you both get 1:1 time with each child and make plans you can all do as a family that meet the requirements for an enjoyable day for all 🩷

I think DH needs a parenting course for Christmas tbh.

Yeah I thought so. It’s in her interests to have her quiet time at home and she will also benefit from having a happier sister who has had her special time with mum. Do you think your husband needs to educate himself more on the needs of children with ASD? There are lots of books and things out there.

Your partner is being ridiculous. Your kids are different people and to do separate things sometimes is needed. Giving your children different experiences for their different likes and needs is good parenting, pure and simple. You wouldn't make your 4 year old wear a nappy until your 1 year old was potty trained, or ban your 4 year old from books with words until she was 7 and your younger child was ready to learn to read, so treating them differently because of one's disability is fine, provided both children are safe and happy.