AIBU to think a relationship with a man with BPD is doomed to fail?

[shoplifteroftheworld]

I met a younger man back in May and fell for him immediately. He moved in with me in October and the last few months have been chaotic to say the least. He has Borderline Personality Disorder. I have worked in mental health before and supported two women with BPD but being in a romantic relationship is very different.

Is anyone else in a relationship with someone with BPD or have you been in the past? Does anyone have BPD and, if so, can you explain how you feel and behave in romantic relationships? Has anything helped you? Counselling, CBT, medication?

I love this man but his condition makes our relationship really difficult. Thank you in advance.

I have bpd, I wouldn't date someone with bpd. Nothing has really helped im on a lot of medication which makes me calmer. Cbt did nothing, dbt is supposed to be better but it's not offered in my area. Every relationship iv been in is very up and down and I need to be with calm, rational people to balance me out it's very hard on my partner and past partners.

Honestly leave. The speed that you have moved in together is typical of the all or nothing intensity of bpd. Your knowledge of the condition is professional. The reality will suck you in, drain you. This is not a relationship of equals

I work in mental health and know plenty of amazing people with BPD. It can be treatable but does vary wildly depending how much a.insight and b.responsibility people take for managing it.

however no i absolutely would not date anyone with it. It’s primarily a disorder of relationships and relationships are huge trigger points. I couldn’t be doing with the need for reassurance and push/pull behaviour.

doing the job I do I really need my home life to be drama free and chilled/upbeat. I feel like this would be the opposite of that:

It’s incredibly hard to maintain a relationship with a person with BPD, especially if they refuse medication. It’s also highly heritable, so if you want kids think hard. My aunt married a man with BPD and 3 of her 4 adult kids have it too. It’s something I could not deal with, but if you love him and you’re going in with your eyes open then it’s your decision to make.

Moving a man in 5 months after meeting was reckless.

I've done it and couldn't do it again. Way to hot and cold, on-off, drama all the way. I just couldn't rely on him. I'm sure it affects some in different ways to others though.

The trouble is it isn't really a condition, although that's the way the medical system labels it - it's an attachment style; a way of being and relating to others; often a way people's personalities have developed in an attempt to cope with or survive trauma of some kind.

On the one hand, this means change is often very hard and that living with and loving someone like this can be really difficult.

On the other hand, it means that not everyone who gets labelled as having BPD is the same; it's difficult to generalise or assume.

My advice would be:

• be honest with yourself about what you're prepared to endure or compromise on, as you would with any relationship
• use this reflection to be clear on your boundaries and to communicate and stick to these clearly and consistently
• don't accept BPD as an excuse for someone being a poor partner or assshole to you - it might help to explain someone's behaviour and might lead you to feel sympathy or empathy for them but it doesn't mean you have to live your life tiptoeing around them.
• remember that a medical label like BPD is not destiny and if you really love this person, perhaps spend time exploring with them what change might be possible for them.

Above poster said it well. You will have to reflect on how much you feel for him and how much you are prepared to tolerate as his BPD traits are unique to him. It might make the relationship more difficult, but if you love him and see a future, BPD is no reason to drop someone.

Thank you all for your great replies and yes it was foolish to move in after 5 months. We are both pretty damaged people and, if I told you everything else we are contending with, you really will think I’m an idiot! He’s also quite a bit younger than me which has been something I’ve struggled with. I don’t think the relationship can go anywhere. I’m just struggling to let him go as this is the most intense relationship I’ve ever had (typical with BPD partners I’ve heard) But I’m 46 years old and should know better. I’ve spent the last few months looking out for him, providing for him and worrying about him. I need to move on - just finding it hard.

The age isn’t that relevant, my partner is 34 and I’m 45 and I’ve never had to look out, provide or worry for him, he’s a grown man.

having to treat a partner like a wayward son would give me the massive ick

Yes my male partner has BPD and we have a great relationship, that's not to say it's always been great though! We are 6 years in now, the first few were hell with lots of amazing times mixed in, and I'm not sure how I stayed if I'm honest! We both knew something wasn't right and he was eventually diagnosed summer last year. Things got worse before they got better. I left him after diagnosis as he wasn't helping himself as much as he could.
He used that time alone to learn to stand on his own two feet, attend counselling, pay for private treatment, start up regular appointments with his mental health team...basically he tried and stuck at everything available to him. I gave him another chance and things have been perfect since. He's gone from weekly episodes to nothing , and has been able to deal with any issues along the way without blowing up. I realised I was just as much a part of the problem as he was. I spent too long excusing his behaviour and trying to fix him when actually, he needed to learn to sort himself out. Walking away was the best decision I ever made for the both of us but I'm glad I gave him another chance.

He's now discharged from all services but continues with a private consultant for medication which his psychiatrist encouraged him to keep up.

Can we just clarify that we’re talking about borderline personality disorder (not bipolar which definitely needs medication) . which I have myself and I don’t need any medication for it never been given it only when I had depression. You do not need medication for it. Most people would do DBT which I started, but I didn’t complete Not everybody with borderline personality is exactly the same.

I was told I’ve got borderline personality disorder, although sometimes I wonder if it’s neuro diverse stuff but anyway I do not do this hot and cold stuff. If anything I do the please don’t leave me stuff which I know which is why I’m not in a relationship, so I don’t think every borderline personality is the same.

I wouldn't think it a good idea personally, because my mother had it and it was hell on earth at times.

I have a real need for peace and calm in my relationships now, I just can't handle any sort of drama.

I’ve done it and it nearly broke me.

Agree you absolutely need to move on. It sounds unhealthy from the off and you know it. This:

I met a younger man back in May and fell for him immediately. He moved in with me in October

Has enough warning bells clanging even without the BPD and you say you're both damaged and there's this dynamic of you caring for him while he's chaotic. This is not how good relationships begin or grow. Let him go and get yourself some therapy before things get too enmeshed.

@Workingclasslass totally agree that it's not all the same for everyone and I also think you make a good point about neurodiversity - I believe autistic people are at risk of being misdiagnosed as having BPD in particular.

Couldn't agree more i always wonder if mine is actually autism instead of bpd but being female early 20s it's easier for them to diagnose bpd rather then autism

This happened to my sister. She was told she has BPD ten years ago, before autism and ADHD were properly considered for adult women. She’s since been diagnosed as neurodivergent.

Did they change your sisters diagnosis or just add to it

They changed it. She’s now diagnosed as having autism and ADHD and the specialist who assessed her did not agree with the previous diagnosis of BHD. The BHD diagnosis has been made by a mental health doctor who had been seeing her for depression ten years ago (depression which likely resulted from undiagnosed / unmanaged neurodivergence…)

To be honest op, I would have said that if your partner shows good insight and takes responsibility and is actively working to manage his bpd then worth a try for as long as its working for you and you're happy to take on the emotional load, but having read your update it feels like this is maybe an extension of your own pain and trauma and needing to look after someone and be with someone so on that basis I'm going to say you should end it because you're not necessarily acting from a grounded place within yourself.

I apologise-I was referring to Bipolar disorder.

I did it for a while but it was DiD he had, I couldn’t cope with it so ended it after a few months, far too much for me to handle in a new relationship. He was going through eye movement therapy but defiantly not enough, he also self medicated with alcohol

Cruel as it sounds, I would leave and not look back.