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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not his ideal

32 replies

RaquelWelch · 23/12/2024 13:21

Am I being unreasonable?

I know (most) men watch porn but I have this issue. My OH has a thing for big breasts. Now my breasts are definitely not big. We have been together for a long time, we have children. I am fit for my age and I have good breasts, but not big!

A number of years ago he had an affair and the lady he had an affair with had big (extremely big, fake) breasts and blonde hair. The affair was about sex, not love and I think, she used him as much as he used her.

I have seen search history on his phone, for porn sites, a long time ago, but after the affair, and the searches were for "big breasts, blonde hair". I obviously mentioned this to him and he assured me I was perfect, I had perfect breasts, he loved me etc. I have very recently seen the same searches on his phone and it makes me feel awful.

Now, I know porn can be fantasy and fantasy can be very different to every day, but I am dark haired with small breasts and his searches are always for blonde hair and big breasts.

It just makes me question what he says to me when he says he loves me and loves my body and my breasts and I am perfect. I guess with everything that has happened he has made me insecure and I hate that. I don't think he is having an affair but I just think that his previous affair was his fantasy and that is not me.

OP posts:
Builtlikeafliplop · 23/12/2024 13:25

Has it honestly been worth staying with him, with all this self doubt, insecurity and anxiety? What sort of a life is it when you’re constantly feeling less than his fantasy. It’s no way to live.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/12/2024 13:30

Wow. This is so so wrong op. Please seek counselling help.

Why is your questioning worrying about whether or not a body part which you have no control over is good enough or not, rather than the fact that your husband is a misogynistic lying selfish twat who objectifies women and what you can do to protect your children from that?

Cosycover · 23/12/2024 13:57

Imo porn is just fantasy.

But the affair is worrying. I don't think you should have stayed with him.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/12/2024 13:58

Why did you stay with him after the affair?

Lampan · 23/12/2024 14:00

Aside from why you are still with him after his affair, is he your ideal perfect type looks-wise?

SmileEachDay · 23/12/2024 14:04

He gets off on watching women who are potentially trafficked, abused or otherwise harmed.

TwilightCat · 23/12/2024 14:08

Why are men allowed to treat women like such crap? If things were reversed and you were constantly searching for 9” Italian stallions to pleasure yourself to, would he be ok with this? Why is your suffering self esteem and anxiety acceptable because ‘men have fantasies and porn is normal’? More like, men want what they want and if a woman takes issue with it, she’s the problem for being ‘insecure’.

Dishwashersaurous · 23/12/2024 14:10

He had an affair.

You clearly chose to take him.back.

But you also don't trust him.

So you have a choice about what you do going forward. Trust him and move forwards together.

Or don't trust him and separate.

This is not about breasts

MyPithyPoster · 23/12/2024 14:11

This has to be a windup, surely ?

ItGhoul · 23/12/2024 14:12

A number of years ago he had an affair

This is the only relevant thing in your post. He cheated on you. It doesn't matter what the reason was. He betrayed you and treated you like shit.

5128gap · 23/12/2024 14:19

You're not his ideal??? He should be on his knees thanking his stars that a woman will not only have him back after he proved himself a cheat, but will also tolerate his sleezy porn habit. You are so far above him, I'm surprised he can even see you. You desperately need to work on your confidence because you are wasting yourself on a man you shouldn't be giving the time of day to, never mind worrying if you're good enough for.

jeaux90 · 23/12/2024 14:22

SmileEachDay · 23/12/2024 14:04

He gets off on watching women who are potentially trafficked, abused or otherwise harmed.

This.

Don't be the cool girl OP. Porn is not ok.

Not quite sure why you stuck around after the affair to then let him put you in the "adequate" box.

What a prince!

arethereanyleftatall · 23/12/2024 14:35

I think a really good way to realise how absurd and awful this is, is to reverse it. Is this something you can imagine your husband thinking and asking his friends about?....

'Am I being unreasonable?

I know (most) women watch porn but I have this issue. My OH has a thing for big cocks. Now my cock is definitely not big. We have been together for a long time, we have children. I am fit for my age and I have a good sized cock, but not big!

A number of years ago she had an affair and the man she had an affair with had a big (extremely big) cock and red hair. The affair was about sex, not love and I think he used her as much as she used him.

I have seen search history on her phone, for porn sites, a long time ago, but after the affair, and the searches were for "big cocks, red hair". I obviously mentioned this to her and she assured me I was perfect, I had a perfect cock, she loved me etc. I have very recently seen the same searches on her phone and it makes me feel awful.

Now, I know porn can be fantasy and fantasy can be very different to every day, but I am blonde haired with a 6 inch cock and her searches are always for res hair and big cocks.

It just makes me question what she says to me when she says she loves me and loves my body and my cock and I am perfect. I guess with everything that has happened she has made me insecure and I hate that. I don't think she is having an affair but I just think that her previous affair was her fantasy and that is not me.'

Or do you think he would have realised his value was worth so so much more than this?

You are worth more than him op. So so much more.

Original poster
RaquelWelch · 23/12/2024 14:49

Thanks.

Yes, I chose to stay, I question this a lot. Children were younger, he was very persuasive, he loved me so much, it would never happen again, etc etc.
I think he thinks, what you don't know doesn't hurt you, so he can look at what he wants. I totally agree with the posters regarding porn, I think it is F*ing awful and even women who say they feel empowered by it are fooling themselves. It is degradation and abuse. But he will say "all men do it, its normal".

And yes, I also get that I sound pathetic even asking this question, I am a strong, sensible woman, but I think he is quite controlling and makes me question everything.

I am asking a question in a large forum to get your honest views.

OP posts:
TouchoftheTism · 23/12/2024 14:54

This reply has been hidden

This reply has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

NiftyPeachDreamer · 23/12/2024 14:57

He's cheated on you, he controls you, he watches porn and it's 99% likely he either has cheated again or will cheat again.

When you stay with a cheating man, you give him license to cheat on you again.

For the sake of your children, I'd leave him.

ByBusyTiger · 23/12/2024 15:06

Gonna be harsh here, holding back tbh.
Basing yourself on a man and his seedy likes, wth you on?

A cheating, porn watching slip of a man no less

ChristmasinBrighton · 23/12/2024 15:08

Unfortunately, these kinds of feelings are what you signed up for when you decided to stay with a lying cheat.

I am really sorry but there’s only one solution here.

ByBusyTiger · 23/12/2024 15:10

Get some self esteem and ltb. This is horrific

AbigailsPartyFrock · 23/12/2024 15:11

What a terrible way to live your life.

What’s in this for you, OP? Because some part of you must perversely like being treated so badly.

ByBusyTiger · 23/12/2024 15:14

Simps watch a lot of porn. Not all men, a tiny amount of them have some self respect.

katter · 23/12/2024 15:25

RaquelWelch · 23/12/2024 14:49

Thanks.

Yes, I chose to stay, I question this a lot. Children were younger, he was very persuasive, he loved me so much, it would never happen again, etc etc.
I think he thinks, what you don't know doesn't hurt you, so he can look at what he wants. I totally agree with the posters regarding porn, I think it is F*ing awful and even women who say they feel empowered by it are fooling themselves. It is degradation and abuse. But he will say "all men do it, its normal".

And yes, I also get that I sound pathetic even asking this question, I am a strong, sensible woman, but I think he is quite controlling and makes me question everything.

I am asking a question in a large forum to get your honest views.

Well alot of people have types. Does not mean they can't find someone else attractive.
So that isn't on you.
Everything else has already been said.
He's a creepy cheater who get's off on the subjugation of women.
Leave OP, you're definitly worth more than that . You're children will thank you for having a stronger happier mother.

Tomorrowistheday · 23/12/2024 15:25

You are not going to change this man.
He views women as sex objects and gets off on seeing them abused and violated.
He cheated on you.
Your self esteem would improve vastly if you rid yourself of this odious man.

MauveGoose · 23/12/2024 15:29

Sorry I don't understand what your AIBU question is? If you are asking if you are unreasonable for staying married to this pig of a man, I would have to say yes.

jeaux90 · 23/12/2024 16:17

Then it's time to be that strong sensible woman again OP.

Make yourself a promise not to put up with this lame excuse of a man any longer.

And no, not all men watch porn. Many of them have more respect for women than consuming vulnerable, underage, coerced and trafficked women and girls online.

You and your DC deserve better.

Do you work or have a way out of this situation?

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