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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you know your ex wants you back

33 replies

Harriet89 · 23/12/2024 10:26

Do they always come back?

my ex seemed to get over our 17 year relationship really easily by going out with friends etc whilst I was a complete mess. I seem to be ok now but he keeps coming round asking me questions and delving into my life (we have 2 children) he also told me that he really likes a woman from work and she is so much better than me.

is this what they do? It has been almost 5 months and I am almost back to myself now and don’t cry at all anymore.

OP posts:

Comedycook · 23/12/2024 10:28

Stop wasting your time trying to analyse his shitty behaviour.

Original poster

Harriet89 · 23/12/2024 10:31

I think my question is. Do they always come back when they realise the grass isn’t greener? I don’t want him back but it would do my ego some good.

OP posts:

Edingril · 23/12/2024 10:33

Working on your self respect might do more good

Comedycook · 23/12/2024 10:35

Harriet89 · 23/12/2024 10:31

I think my question is. Do they always come back when they realise the grass isn’t greener? I don’t want him back but it would do my ego some good.

That's very sad to hear...I hope you can work on your self esteem

EmptyBowl · 23/12/2024 10:38

Harriet89 · 23/12/2024 10:31

I think my question is. Do they always come back when they realise the grass isn’t greener? I don’t want him back but it would do my ego some good.

You’re giving him way too much headspace. Concentrate on civilly co-parenting with him, and ignore his dreary talk about his sex life. No, I don’t think most people who leave seriously contemplate returning. What’s more concerning is that you’re still very focused on him.

Your only retort when he starts to talk about the woman at work who is so much better than you should be a joky ‘Well, I hope someone that good is ok with you saying ‘Ooh, mummy’ when you come/leaving your pants on the stairs/ quoting Dirty Harry films at her’.

Deliveringpressies · 23/12/2024 10:40

my ex seemed to get over our 17 year relationship really easily by going out with friends etc - he’s shallow
he keeps coming round asking me questions and delving into my life (we have 2 children) -he’s nosy and has FOMO.
he also told me that he really likes a woman from work and she is so much better than me - he wants to unsettle you. Give him a one-way ticket to her as an early Christmas present and happily wave him off.
Come back? Who would want him back? You can do far better than him OP.

lifeisforlaying · 23/12/2024 10:43

They do sometimes come back but why would you even entertain that? And that's not really the point is it? Why would you want someone back who treats you like shit? Don't tell him anything he doesn't need to know, engage with him regarding the kids/financial/essential stuff and nothing else. Take time to work on yourself and treat yourself with compassion, he's hurt you but you don't need to be caught up in his bullshit, you deserve much better.

Original poster

Harriet89 · 23/12/2024 10:56

He has asked me to sort out childcare tomorrow as apparently I have loads more support than him. We are both working but Monday and Tuesday are his days. I have asked my sister in law and she said she will have him but I would never turn to him for that as I know there is no way he can help.

OP posts:

researchers3 · 23/12/2024 11:00

It sounds like he enjoys winding you up tbh!

Maybe it's more that he thought you'd want him back and can't bear it that you're not pining for him?

If he's saying all that rubbish you probably see too much of him. And please don't help him out, that's his job to sort.

He sounds a bit rubbish and you're well rid.

Original poster

Harriet89 · 23/12/2024 11:03

researchers3 · 23/12/2024 11:00

It sounds like he enjoys winding you up tbh!

Maybe it's more that he thought you'd want him back and can't bear it that you're not pining for him?

If he's saying all that rubbish you probably see too much of him. And please don't help him out, that's his job to sort.

He sounds a bit rubbish and you're well rid.

I’ve already helped him. It’s either that or he will just drop them off whilst I work from home so I had to do something.

OP posts:

CuddlyDodoToy · 23/12/2024 11:10

People who leave long-term relationships (especially when children are involved), have usually spent a long time wanting to be out of the relationship before they finally leave. A decent person doesn't want to cause hurt, particularly to the other parent of their children and someone they (presumably) once loved and wanted to share their life with.

Having made that difficult decision and gone through the pain of a break-up, most will not want to go back. For most, the relief that the relationship is over is greater than any sadness or regret they might feel.

For this reason, it's very rare for people in these circumstances to return to their former partner, even if there is some residual affection.

Now that you have been apart for sometime, he is probably more comfortable being in contact with you and - presumably - wants a relationship with his children.

He probably realises that you have misread the signs and think he is trying to return. His references to the woman at work are probably his (rather clumsy and unkind) way of reminding you that your relationship is over and he isn't coming back.

lobsterkiller · 23/12/2024 11:17

We can't say what's going on in his head but the fact he's keen to tell you how this woman is better than you, could mean he has little respect for you or is trying to wind you up. Not exactly the best traits are they?

You've come through the worst, don't give in his head games now. Concentrate on you and the kids.

Ratisshortforratthew · 23/12/2024 11:19

Harriet89 · 23/12/2024 10:31

I think my question is. Do they always come back when they realise the grass isn’t greener? I don’t want him back but it would do my ego some good.

No. No one who has ever dumped me has ever come back, nor have I returned to people I’ve dumped. Thinking about my friends who’ve been dumped or done the dumping, no one has come back then either.

ForeverPombear · 23/12/2024 11:21

My ex ended things after 10 years and he messed with me for a good few months after that. I kept on thinking we'd get back together but we didn't and eventually I had enough and moved on. A year after that I met someone and my ex came back and tried to 'win me back'.

At that point in my life I'd moved on, wasn't interested and could see him for what he really was. Your ex sounds awful, ignore him.

Aligirlbear · 23/12/2024 11:30

He simply knows how to press your buttons and get you to sort out stuff for him i.e. childcare ! He has no interest in getting back together - if he did he wouldn't be talking about the woman at work.

You need to stop being so accommodating to his conversation, be civil but grey rock. He will soon stop talking about his sex life and latest GF if you show no interest, don't sort out his problems and stop giving him headspace. Work on your self respect and self esteem, all you need to focus on with him is civil co-parenting.

RandomMess · 23/12/2024 11:38

Time to arrange your child arrangements then, if he doesn't cover the time in the school holidays etc he needs to pay more maintenance.

Theunamedcat · 23/12/2024 11:42

RandomMess · 23/12/2024 11:38

Time to arrange your child arrangements then, if he doesn't cover the time in the school holidays etc he needs to pay more maintenance.

Absolutely this you are not a family unit anymore definitely not a team stop doing wife work his time his problem to sort out

Original poster

Harriet89 · 23/12/2024 11:44

Theunamedcat · 23/12/2024 11:42

Absolutely this you are not a family unit anymore definitely not a team stop doing wife work his time his problem to sort out

Show quote history

He said we will always be a team. I don’t see a team I just see me constantly helping him!

OP posts:

Edingril · 23/12/2024 11:47

Harriet89 · 23/12/2024 11:44

He said we will always be a team. I don’t see a team I just see me constantly helping him!

Show quote history

You act like a doormat he will treat you like one, this is your choice to be gullible so chose not to be

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/12/2024 11:48

Don't give him that much importance and don't dignify his behaviour. He treated you shabbily so why does it matter whether he wants you back or not?

He almost certainly wants to keep you in reserve as a back up shag or an ego boost. Don't let him and stop letting him live rent free in your head. Find some self respect and move on.

SunshineSky81 · 23/12/2024 11:49

No, he enjoys being in your head space and thinking that he still has some control over you that's all.

You are doing so well moving forward, don't fall for it. You still have a way to go.
Remember the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

Once you get to that point, then you will be fully healed

Original poster

Harriet89 · 23/12/2024 11:50

SunshineSky81 · 23/12/2024 11:49

No, he enjoys being in your head space and thinking that he still has some control over you that's all.

You are doing so well moving forward, don't fall for it. You still have a way to go.
Remember the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

Once you get to that point, then you will be fully healed

Thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

Harriet89 · 23/12/2024 12:08

If I’m honest it’s more hassle than it is worth sending them with all their stuff. He doesn’t have a washing machine so brings it all back.

OP posts:

BobbyBiscuits · 23/12/2024 12:22

He's telling you he fancies someone else. So to me that indicates he doesn't want to come back. More to the point, why would you want him?

Original poster

Harriet89 · 23/12/2024 12:27

BobbyBiscuits · 23/12/2024 12:22

He's telling you he fancies someone else. So to me that indicates he doesn't want to come back. More to the point, why would you want him?

It’s just the way he says she is so much better than me. No need for it, the last time he did it I begged him to come back and he told me only did it for that reason so something is telling me he is doing it again.

OP posts:

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