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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel completely used by close friend?

61 replies

fudgetoff · 22/12/2024 23:48

One of my best friends has just completely cut me off since she began a new relationship just under a year ago and now has decided to get back in touch as her partner cheated on her.

She didn't have many friends, she wasn't close with family and I treated her as one of the family.

We helped each other out.

We would see each other at least 3/4 times a week.

She started to act abit strange/ distant towards the end of last year.
When we would meet she would always look at her phone and have to rush back, when before we would spend hours just having a laugh.

Out of the blue in January this year she updated her status to "in a relationship" and posted pics up of her and her new fella.

It was strange as she hadn't even mentioned she was seeing someone to me or our mutual friend and she usually told me everything.

Around February time she blocked us on Facebook, and stopped all contact.

Now her relationship has fallen apart as her partner cheated on her she has text me asking to see me on Christmas Day!

At first I thought maybe she may of been in an abusive relationship and forced to cut contact but this wasn't the case.

She is saying she will be alone on Christmas Day.

Her family don't have anything to do with her and in all the years I have known her has never spent Christmas with them which I find very strange.

AIBU to just tell her it's not my problem as I feel she used me when she had no one.

OP posts:
DreamTheMoors · 23/12/2024 01:30

”I don’t spend my valuable Christmas days with people who cut me out of their lives and block me on social media. Perhaps one of your other former friends will provide the substitution you search for.
Good day.”

AlwaysTheRenegade · 23/12/2024 01:35

I had a best friend just like this until recently, I also thought she was in an abusive relationship and told her gently, but she told me she loves being mentally abused 🤷🤣 (after meeting in the pub, a week and a half later he offered to pay for her divorce! 😳 Six weeks later, he wants her to wear a ring on her ring finger so people know she's attached)

she knew when he was being vile, and would send him so many messages telling him how unreasonable he was, (he was),but for the last few months all she would talk about is him, constantly texting or updating her Facebook with weird quotes. We're both 35!

It was a constant drama over such small unperceived slights, I had a close family bereavement she never asked about, lied about working so id watch her children, took multiple drugs during this time then bragged about it🤣
Now our friendships ended I'm so much more present with my family, way happier and so much less stress.
Very weird all round. But I honestly don't know what I'd say if she asked to spend Xmas together..how can you say no without looking horrible and spending the day wondering where she'll be?

Wow...sorry about that essay, maybe I needed to get it off my chest 🤣🤣😳😳

Ottersmith · 23/12/2024 01:51

People have different reasons for doing things like this. If you were genuinely her friend then I would say yes to seeing her. If you were good friends you will be able to ask her what happened.

Teaandtoast12 · 23/12/2024 02:23

Agree with the others it might be worth doing some probing if it was an abusive relationship as sometimes those just out of it don’t recognise it as one yet but do understand your feelings too and it’s important you discuss it with her

Glitchymn1 · 23/12/2024 02:31

She puts men first and drops everyone else. It sounds like she has form as she’s cut everyone else out over the years.

You don’t owe her Christmas (even if she was in controlling relationships). I’d say no to Christmas Day, I’d meet for a walk/coffee over the festive period and ask her why she blocked you. You have feelings too, it’s not nice being used, picked up and discarded.

Original poster
fudgetoff · 23/12/2024 03:32

From what I understand this is what she does and has done this every time she has been in a relationship.

She will meet a man and just cut everyone off.

I know her sister (we're not friends but will say hello etc if we see each other) from the gym and she says that she does this all the time, even with family hence the estrangement.

The mutual friend also got the same text and spoke to her and she clarified that it wasn't an abusive relationship, she just wanted to focus on her relationship.

She even left all the various hobby groups that she was a member of.

I was really fond of her and we were very close, speaking daily and she was the person I turned too when I was down, she was a very good friend.

I feel like I have grieved the friendship, I mean it's almost been a year since I have seen her.

I think I will reply after Christmas and just let her know how upset I was at being cut off out the blue and it's probably best that we just keep it how it how it has been and wish her the best in life.

If I was to continue the friendship I would just get ditched again the minute she met someone.

OP posts:
Edingril · 23/12/2024 04:03

FloofPaws · 23/12/2024 00:28

I was going to say this too - she may have been forced somewhat to cancel all contact with friends and family

Show quote history

So a woman would never choose those this on her own a man made who do it?

Edingril · 23/12/2024 04:05

Edingril · 23/12/2024 04:03

So a woman would never choose those this on her own a man made who do it?

Show quote history

Made her do it that was meant to say

When a woman does something wrong it is a man's fault?

Fraaances · 23/12/2024 04:07

Tell her that it’s a pity she’s on her own, but you have decided to focus on your relationship.

ZippyCat · 23/12/2024 04:24

I would not agree to seeing her on Christmas day I would be asking her why she outright blocked you though for a long time
She doesn't seem to value your friendship to have cut you off in the first place

Richiewoo · 23/12/2024 05:06

She's a shitty friend. You don't owe her anything. I'd reply after Christmas telling her how hurt you are and you've no room for her in your life. X

Tourmalines · 23/12/2024 05:10

No , don’t see her . It will never be the same between you anyway and there is a possibility she will do it again. You will never have that beautiful friendship that you once had . The trust is gone .

Justsayit123 · 23/12/2024 05:26

She’s got a cheek, and especially to want to see you on Xmas day. I’d reply to say sorry you’re busy and you’ll get in touch in the new year, and leave it. See if she says anything then.

Do88byisfree · 23/12/2024 06:21

I would want to see her and talk to her about the last year. It all sounds very out of character and it screams of her being in a controlling, abusive relationship. However, I'd say no to Xmas day and reply alon the lines of -- sorry I've got plans for Xmas but would love to see you in the New Year.

Volumedelachanel · 23/12/2024 08:04

Do88byisfree · 23/12/2024 06:21

I would want to see her and talk to her about the last year. It all sounds very out of character and it screams of her being in a controlling, abusive relationship. However, I'd say no to Xmas day and reply alon the lines of -- sorry I've got plans for Xmas but would love to see you in the New Year.

according to op's last update, it's very much on brand for this friend. She's lost contact with her other friends as well as own family due to similar behaviour.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 23/12/2024 08:06

Given your update - tell her to go fuck herself.

Jingleberryalltheway · 23/12/2024 08:08

MartinCrieffsLemon · 23/12/2024 00:02

How sure are you that it wasn't an abusive relationship?

This is my thinking too

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 23/12/2024 09:33

Do88byisfree · 23/12/2024 06:21

I would want to see her and talk to her about the last year. It all sounds very out of character and it screams of her being in a controlling, abusive relationship. However, I'd say no to Xmas day and reply alon the lines of -- sorry I've got plans for Xmas but would love to see you in the New Year.

I agree.
this is extreme behaviour and she was a good enough friend for you to put the time into explaining how destructive and upsetting her behaviour was to you, and give her a chance to explain what happened.

TwinkleLights24 · 23/12/2024 09:36

I would block her without a response but if I was still hurt I would tell her to fuck off.

I’ve had it with people thinking they can walk in and out of peoples lives and I don’t let them back.

Browningstown · 23/12/2024 09:53

Good call OP.
She is not your friend.

"Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"

BrightonFrock · 23/12/2024 10:20

I would message telling her that you were very hurt to be blocked and can’t forgive her just like that. Tell her that obviously it’s way too late to change your Christmas Day plans, but that you’re free on 7 January if she wants to give you an explanation.

Pound to a penny you’ll never hear from her again.

slightlydistrac · 23/12/2024 10:26

"No, you can't come over at Christmas, I'm afraid. We already have family plans that can't be changed. See you in the new year maybe xx."

poemsandwine · 23/12/2024 10:28

BedBathAndBeyonce · 23/12/2024 00:02

She has clearly shown you who she is and how she is prepared to treat you. Why would you go back for more?

Definitely agree. I would be unavailable.

Ladyoatcookies · 23/12/2024 10:29

I think I will reply after Christmas and just let her know how upset I was at being cut off out the blue and it's probably best that we just keep it how it how it has been and wish her the best in life.

This is a smart decision, OP. I had a friend like this I let go of a few years ago. She would always ditch her friends every time she was in a relationship, unless the guy was away for the weekend with his friends or something then she might remember us.

It’s not always necessarily about the men stopping the women from having friends.

Some women just get so unhealthily immersed in the relationship and see little value in their friends/ family once they have ‘their person’. That is just who some women (and men) are.

Maybe she will learn her lesson this time and treat her new friends better next time she finds someone.

poemsandwine · 23/12/2024 10:31

I think I will reply after Christmas and just let her know how upset I was at being cut off out the blue and it's probably best that we just keep it how it how it has been and wish her the best in life.

Good decision.