Expecting to much from Mum?

[misssunshine4040]

Grew up in a domestic violence household and was subject to my father's alcoholic abuse into my mid 30's when I decided to cut contact.

My mum is an introvert and says she had no choice but to stay with my abusive father all these years even thought he was abusive to me too.
He ended up leaving her and she moved about 2 hours away.

She has never really been interested in a relationship with my kids but would look after them at time when it suited her which I was very grateful for.
She wasn't a fun and caring grandmother, and wouldn't speak to them or have fun etc.

We have an always leaned on each other over the years and had a relationship but now she has moved away, she has only been to my house once.

She never calls and only messages once in a while.
Looking back I see she never really cared about me but almost used me for support when she needed it and then looked down on me for any choices I made that she didn't approve of.

We met for a coffee for a birthday a few months ago and I explained I was suffering with anxiety and working full time in a demanding job as a single parent and she just nodded and never checks in to see if I am doing ok or need a listening ear.
I have started counselling to work through my complicated feelings towards my parents but I want to know if I am being unreasonable in expecting more of a relationship with my mother?

She’s probably still really really depressed. It sounds as if she’s had a tough life which doesn’t take anything away from you. You and what it sounds like you’ve been through as well.
But she hasn’t got much of a cup to pour from has she?

Maybe you're right.
She is very happy in her new area though and has made lots of friends that she lacked before which is great for her .

I just feel she genuinely doesn't really care about me and my wellbeing anymore and I we meet up now only on birthdays for an hour to tick the box.

I have visited her house a few times also.

My counsellor is questioning why I bother with the limited relationship now and I am better to cut if it

For me, I would never cut her off without an incident or something happening, but managing your expectations I think would be important for you. If nothing else to make sure that you don’t replicate it with your own children.

I do worry about counsellors who seem to constantly suggest no contact. We’re all gonna end up entirely on our own with zero support aside of counsellor that charges £120 an hour.

Sounds really tough. Demanding job and single parenting is brutal. Have you got other support? Can you ask her specifically for what you would like??

I wonder if she’s in functioning mode. In that she had all her emotions quashed for so long she just gets through each day ? She literally doesn’t know how to have a fun time with your children.
It’s up to you if you cut her out of your life , you don’t have to justify yourself or give reasons. Sadly I think this is the price you’ve both paid for your father’s abusive behaviour.

I make sure I have never replicated this with my kids- 2 of whom are grown adults and I'm spending Christmas with.

I never felt loved really and I'm almost resentful that I have experienced all the trauma they put me through for years and years as well as making me feel I was never enough, for her to just decide she can't really be bothered with me anymore

Your mum was abused. People who end up living in abusive marriages tend to have shitty abusive childhoods. People who grow up vulnerable tend to have low self esteem and struggle making connections and mental health issues whether diagnosed or not.

I'm sure she does care about you in her own way, I'd expect being around your DC is just too difficult, and they and you remind her of a time she'd rather forget. She sounds traumatised and depressed rather than malicious or anything else. If her childhood and motherhood was crappy then she may well not know how to be fun. As long as her only 'crime' is being a bit disinterested then I'd chalk it up to her only giving what she can which isn't much and perhaps working through grieving for the parents you wish you had.

I would just go low contact then
I’ve done the same with my father. He was a complete dick head while we were growing up.
I will not be wiping his Jacksey when the time comes, but I don’t mind sending him the Christmas card and popping round for a cup of tea twice a year kind of thing.
Last time I asked him for any kind of conversation or advice about anything he just started quoting how it had worked for him 30 years ago absolutely useless in terms of practicality but it’s all he knows. It is difficult.

This makes sense.

I do need to find a way to find peace

Did she ever deal with her trauma? She's probably got unresolved guilt about what happened to you to and just can't deal with any of it. Keeping you at arm's length may be her way of coping.

She can be someone else in her new environment, no one knows her history. She's could just be masking though. You probably remind her of a painful time. I don't mean that to sound unkind, it's not you as a person that will be difficult for her, but what you represent in her memories.

Focus on you, you matter most. Unless your mother deals with what happened, she may not be capable of giving you the relationship you want with her.

I think I find it difficult as she denies a lot of what happened and that it can't have affected me.
She went back to my countless times in spite how much he put me through and always put him first.

They have been apart nearly 13 years now.

I think I do need to find a way to move forward but stuck.
As I get older I see how much it has all affected me and how neither of them were ever caring present parents.

This is probably true too. She always she's absolutely fine and certainly doesn't need therapy or anything like that.

I just need to find some closure and not feel disappointed and upset.
I ask to meet and she cancels, or only has an hour available etc.

My Mum has stayed with my alcoholic father for nearly 40 years. We grew up in a nightmare house of domestic violence and extreme psychological and at times psychical abuse.

She was a shite mum and still is. But I love her. She has next to no relationship with my kids. Sees them once or twice a year but she knows she's shite, she openly admits it. Taken years of pain and reflection to realise that she's just beaten down by her own trauma, as is my father. They're both absolutely fucked but I love them for who they are, not what they can do for me, which I figured out early on is absolutely nothing 🤣

I visited them yesterday actually and we had a much nicer Christmas meet up now I've learned to manage my expectations, they'll never change. It was abit awkward between them and my children at first but everyone made the effort. It's a rough deal OP and it hurts but you have to take it for what it is.

Physical* I've been at the Baileys.

Thanks @TheLemonFatball that's great that you have reached a place where you can still have a relationship and accept them for who they are too.

Maybe I'm struggling with resentment

Yes - I'm sure that it's justified in cases of abuse but there seems to be a very high number of no and low contacts. Particularly after visiting therapists and counsellors.

@LondonLass61 she is encouraging me to work on my inner child.
This is bringing up a lot of bad feelings.
My mother was never a kind a caring mother. A dutiful and functioning one and I was held to very high standards and punished severely for less than perfect report cards etc.

Counseller thinks that although my mother was in a violent relationship, she failed in her duty to care for me and nurture me as she should have.

There have been lots of negative things my mum has done over the years which has very much affected my self esteem.
I cut my father off but I sometimes feel she isn't a much of a victim and she did have choices.
She didn't seem remotely bothered about my father's emotional abuse towards me

It does sound like she's in deep denial. I think one of the (many) hard things about abuse is there is no logic to it. You cannot apply 'normal' to any of the behaviours on either side, perpetrator or recipient. It distorts everything and even when you've distanced yourself, it makes no sense.

Should your mother have protected you? Absolutely. Was she capable of doing it given the DV? Probably not. Your counsellor has an unusual take and seems to be victim blaming your mother. Are they experienced in domestic abuse?

I'm sorry that you didn't get the parents you deserved, I don't think it's unreasonable to wish for a for a better relationship but unfortunately it might be all she's capable of, she probably isn't very well herself if she felt she had no choice but to stay with an abuser. Well done on doing the work for yourself though!

I think I feel like I have made lots of allowances over the years for her poor behaviour towards and I am left feeling rubbish.
I have been a supporter, let her live with me when she needed to, stuck up for her while it feels like she never did any of this for me.

Looking back at some really hard times I have gone through, she has either blamed me for them occurring in the first place or just really distanced herself and looked down on me.
I don't know, I think I'm just very resentful of the hand they dealt me and the denial of any wrong doing on my parents part and how that affected me

I wouldn't be comparing the choices your mum might have had in that situation today with what was available to her and society at the time.

I assume that she was largely parenting in the 80/90s etc, being a single mum was still pretty taboo as was divorce, and lots of women were still expected to put up and shut up with alot, Marital Rape wasn't made illegal until 1992, Therapy was an American thing, we were very 'stiff upper lip ' still or awareness on DV was less of a thing, lots of families experienced abuse of one sort or another and within certain communities was likely to be a shared experience so that was life why would you change it? When EastEnders came about it did a huge amount of good showing DV storylines and bringing things to light. Work opportunities were, for someone like your mum who doesn't sound like a high flyer probably limited to low paid retail or factory work, I'd imagine she felt pretty stuck. Life has come a long way in the last 30/40 years.

Do what she does and offer her what you can and no more. Lower your expectations to pretty much nothing if you want to stay in touch.
And step back and maintain boundaries as you need to.

@HPandthelastwish in the 80s and the 90s people just moved from one council flat to another. I can remember being in a three bedroom maisonette. Upon announcing that there were more babies joining the family we were in a four bedroom house before those babies were born so six months in total.
I would suggest it was easier to leave in the 80s and 90s and it is now.

I’d say it was fairly easy to leave up until the mid 2000s

She absolutely did not want to live in council flat that was never an option.
She thinks they are disgusting and she is too good for them and has openly said this.

I had a spell of living in one and she refused to visit and when she didn't she would say that's me stuck and I would never leave it and would become like the people who lived there.

She had choices

I'm sorry, this is very sad and puzzling for you.
I look at situations like this where the daughter keeps on trying to keep some kind of relationship going against all odds, and think how incredibly lucky that parent is - but your mum obviously doesn't realise that. Life is so strange.
Happy Christmas x