Expecting to much from Mum?

[misssunshine4040]

Grew up in a domestic violence household and was subject to my father's alcoholic abuse into my mid 30's when I decided to cut contact.

My mum is an introvert and says she had no choice but to stay with my abusive father all these years even thought he was abusive to me too.
He ended up leaving her and she moved about 2 hours away.

She has never really been interested in a relationship with my kids but would look after them at time when it suited her which I was very grateful for.
She wasn't a fun and caring grandmother, and wouldn't speak to them or have fun etc.

We have an always leaned on each other over the years and had a relationship but now she has moved away, she has only been to my house once.

She never calls and only messages once in a while.
Looking back I see she never really cared about me but almost used me for support when she needed it and then looked down on me for any choices I made that she didn't approve of.

We met for a coffee for a birthday a few months ago and I explained I was suffering with anxiety and working full time in a demanding job as a single parent and she just nodded and never checks in to see if I am doing ok or need a listening ear.
I have started counselling to work through my complicated feelings towards my parents but I want to know if I am being unreasonable in expecting more of a relationship with my mother?

I'm sorry this happened to you. This and other terrible things happened with my mum and I now believe that my mum was traumatised and made numb by DV. As another poster wisely said, it was all she was capable of. Many parents failed in their duty to care and nurture their children, often because they were traumatised themselves or did not know any better inc mine. Your counsellor is right but we can only control now and how we respond/deal with it.
I grew up in council housing. In the 60's to 90's, we moved four times - not through the council but by swapping with other council tenants - I believe that there was a list, you contacted others and made the arrangement privately and then informed the council. However, I have since found out that many men (inc my dad and uncles) kept the tenancy in their own name and excluded their wives - another form of control. Even 20 years after my dad's death, my mum was terrified that the council would think that she had no right to the tenancy, so no, it was not easy to leave - especially with children.
I cannot stress enough, how little power many working class women had over their lives in the previous decades and probably now as well.

When we know better, we do better etc.

I understand all that and maybe that explains her behaviour from years ago but they have been separated 13 years now with no contact and she has lived a comfortable life in nice properties with a nice income to support herself.

She has been unsupportive and not interested in me or my children beyond the odd visit here and there which has got less and less over the years to now where we are like acquaintances.

Very critical of me and if I'm not well or struggling with anything it's always my own fault.

I don't know if she is numb or she just doesn't really like me

This with bells on. You only have to watch films such as Nil by Mouth to see a realistic portrayal of what life was/is like for wc women in abusive relationships. My mums parents died when she was twenty, and she went from one abusive marriage to another with my father. We struggled to phathom how/why she stayed. Now I understand that she had limited if not zero options if we wanted a roof over our heads. Neither of my parents would have chosen the life they had/have, but they became stuck in a relationship filled with addiction, codependency, trauma, and undiagnosed ND. I still see women in my family in similar positions, and no matter how much awareness is raised of domestic violence, it's still not as cut and dry as we like to believe. It really sucks.

Also my parents are middle class not working class if that makes a difference.

She is educated to degree level and my Dad had really successful career.

I think two things can be true, she had a shitty life/marriage and she is / was a crap parent. I have similar, provided lots of support to my mum when my dad was alive, from being a very small child listened to her woes and how awful he was. Both very emotionally damaged people, He's dead now so she doesn't need me and she just does not bother with me unless she wants something. I'd just treat her like a distant acquaintance to be honest rather than a parent as she can't be one for whatever reason. Otherwise you drive yourself mad trying to work out why she is like she is. Just lessen your expectations - she won't suddenly have an epiphany sadly. It's like talking to her in a foreign language she can't speak, or asking her to plumb a new bathroom in, she can't do it and doesn't want to learn.

Oh and don't tell her stuff. Think, would I go up to a random stranger in the street and tell them this thing, no ? well don't tell your mother!

My childhood was somewhat like this - and my relationship with my mum was never close. She was distant, not interested in me or her grandchildren and not supportive (and I felt like I needed a mum a lot). Many times I felt like cutting her off as it's caused me a lot of pain over the years.

We're both getting on now and I understand her better (her life with my father and with young children was a non-stop grind. She must have been so unhappy and, unlike now, there were no benefits, no escape routes, and the police weren't interested in domestic violence).

I also think she's got some autistic traits and, while, she's not been a good mum in many conventional ways, in other ways she's exceeded the norm.

Now that she's aging and the next ten years could bring real problems and infirmity, I feel we're in a different situation now - the tables have sort of turned.

Although I didn't think I'd want to support her into her old age, I've changed my mind. I think she's done her best given her limitations (which are significant).

Honestly, if it would make you feel better, you would be reasonable to go no contact with her. She suffered from abuse from your father but so did you and it was your mum's responsibility to try and protect you.

She isn't interested in your or her grandchildren and even the limited contact that you have is making you unhappy. Put yourself first for once and do what will make you feel happier. If that means reducing or cutting off any contact, that is the right thing for you to do.

My post should’ve said it was easier to leave then then it is now that was the point. There was an abundance of council accommodation, again I can remember a single uncle in his 30s with no children being put into a flat locally. That would not happen now.
Of course people transferred between themselves how swaps etc but you could go in and out of relationships, my own mother was on a mortgage with my stepfather and secured a two bedroom flat for herself when she left and then went back. People used to hoard Council flats in case relationships didn’t work. Not to mention the subletting that went on. Probably still does.
Whilst I think they might have been psychological barriers, of course.
The OP has explained her mother was middle class and therefore didn’t face as many of these as some.

@thepariscrimefiles I feel so guilty even though it's want I want to do.

She makes the minimum effort possible that I'm just not interested in doing the same to feel hurt.

I feel very guilty at not bothering though

I'm afraid I think the "but she couldn't leave" excuse to be completely overblown. Plenty of women could leave, to protect their children, but they chose not to and the children suffered. DV discussions almost always focus on the woman and ignore the children. They also focus on physical violence, addiction etc. and less on emotional abuse (which is what we were subject to). I have a very fraught relationship with my mother now and part of that is because she didn't protect us when she was the only person who COULD protect us. A child is truly helpless, an adult woman has choices, as unpalatable as they may be. To choose financial comfort, misplaced feelings of love/loyalty, etc. over the safety of your children is unforgivable, no matter how you want to dress it up.

We're MC and both parents are highly educated professionals. The 'abuser' is even renowned in their field.

If only people knew what went on behind closed doors...

Do people really think DV is limited to WC households?

@Usernamen I understood the point about class was more to do with options to leave.

I think they have never seen me as a person to love and care for but rather someone that's just there.

Thanks for the comments, it's given me food for thought

The ability for a person to reach out to another when they need help, has to come from a place of good intentions and a desire to help make someone happy.

How much of this your mother has, is between you and her.......I hope you don't give up on her but remember, she will be vulnerable and time, is the greatest healer.

@Irridescantshimmmer when I suggest to my counsellor that I feel guilty for thinking of going no contact she asks why when it was obvious that she is only happy to offer very little care or consideration to me.

When you say you hope I don't give up on her.... hasn't she given up on me?

Al-Anon will help you deal with the resentment feelings, OP. I come from a similar background and can thoroughly recommend it