14 year old's awful table manners.

[Intensivemoisturiser1]

I've NC for this, as i find it embarrassing!

Just 14 year old's table manners are awful. Gets food around his mouth, shovels it in. He's had fixed braces fitted which he says are responsible for opening his mouth with food in, but his manners were pretty bad before.

We have told him and told him and told him. We are not shy about pointing it out.

I feel despairing. Why does he get it?

Set up your phone to video him.

Let him see how terrible he is to eat near.

Could you routinely give pudding to the child with the best table manners? As all children become equally first then they all get pudding.

Could you pay him per meal?
At the end of the week he keeps the money. Pay him nothing for a bad attempt, one pound for a better attempt and 5 pound for a decent attempt.

It starts at a very young age. DS10 has excellent table manners and has had since he was about 4/5 years old.

Do you think we just haven't bothered up.to now? I've been trying ever since my DS was old enough to hold cutlery!

Only feed him soup

I'd very quietly state to DC before dinner that I've already asked him to focus on his table manners and improve them, and if I had to reprimand him again about them at the next meal, he would be taking his meal out to the kitchen and eating it there, no argument, no second chances, he wasn't going to make every meal a misery for everybody else. And I would be doing this each time, going forward.

I've tried all sorts of discussions, about others not liking it, girls/boys (romantic interests) being put off. He just doesn't seem to remember. It's like the pattern is ingrained. i don't want meals to be a battle ground, the point is to appreciate each other as a family, and he's great with trying lots of different foods etc - but it's pissing me off massively.

There is literally no reason to think it's a joke. I have no idea who you are, what sort of person you are, and it's not a chuckle inducing comment.

And if this is your sense of humour, I'd be likely to question what kind of laughs you have at home.

DS is the same.

Every meal time we
verbally prompt him to close his mouth
Verbally remind him to use his knife and fork
Send him down from the table to wash his hands when he's used his fingers to push food onto his fork.
Occasionally I have removed his food and return it when the rest of us have finished eating.

He probably has ADHD. He does not have DCD (assessed 2x, in y2 and y4). He does have dysgraphia. I am a paediatric OT. I support children to use cutlery. My son sacked me as his OT about 6 years ago. I offer several times a week to help him fix his cutlery issues. He's much happier being nagged apparently.
The only thing I haven't done is cut up his food - because that would confirm his view that knives are for wimps. Or for decoration.

It really isn't for lack of trying on my part.

There are overlaps between neurodiverse conditions. 50% of people with ADHD also have DCD and many people with ASD also find movement coordination difficult.

ND isn't an excuse. It can make some things harder so where these things are important you just have to work harder. Or that's what I tell DS anyway.

Thank you for sharing this. It sounds very frustrating for you. DC doesn't have cutlery issues, per se. It's just the mouth/open/food around it scenario.

It is common bloody sense to understand that nobody would seriously suggest this.
You must be very gullible

My 14 year old has recently got fixed braces and it does make it tricky. Encourage him to cut food as small as possible and that will help. Mind is also left handed so I let him use knife and fork 'wrong' way round for ease. Braces are such a short time so I would cut him as much slack as possible.

Is his mouth sore? I've never had braces but I've heard they can be really painful at times.

If it's just speed eating (I've got a gobbler too, it's my DH though) then perhaps slowing him down might help. DH shoves such large pieces of food in his mouth because he's so used to shoving his lunch down really quickly to get back to work. Is your son in a hurry to be somewhere else? Has he got used to eating quickly at school lunches so he's now gobbling out of habit?

Is there conversation at the table, or is it normally quite rushed as you've all got places to be? Do you linger over meals when you can? Chat about your day, when you can? Lives are so busy now.

I don't need the answers to these questions but you should ask them of yourself....

This would be typical of (oral) dyspraxia I think, ds has ASD and dyspraxia and does it too, he was also a terrible dribbler until he was almost five. If your ds has ADHD it's quite possible he also has dyspraxia. It may not be that of course and may be related to his braces but i wouldn't rule it out.

Or maybe you're just not the least bit funny?

That's helpful, thanks. DC is also left handed...

Amen

Sounds like he could be dyspraxic. Does he also have messy hand writing, did he struggle with riding a bike or tying shoe laces? Maybe accept that this is something he genuinely struggles with instead of getting your knickers in a twist about something as silly as elbows on the table, you weren't born in the middle ages and your table won't fall down if he puts his elbows on it.

My brother used to refuse to use a knife at the table, just a fork. Until one day my dad barred him from the dining table and told him he could eat on the couch because if he was going to act like that, we didn't want to see.

Jesus Christ, what a massive overreaction. He was eating with the fork, not scratching his bare arse with it!

Think that's a bit unnecessary to be honest. I'd be more worried about your own home than someone else's.

You by your own admission have a 14 year old making everyone's lives at the dinner table a misery because they eat so disgustingly, because they don't respect them and don't listen.

And yeah, everyone else notices.

Fix your own before throwing stones for a joke on an adult board. The point of the joke was clearly that your child is eating like an animal.

If that makes you feel better, lovey

Ignore her; she’s been a pain on several threads this weekend.

FGS.

I have? This is my first thread under this name. Or did you mean the other OP with the attempt at humour?

Fully agree. Learning polite table manners, learning patience, learning how to use cutlery properly starts at the toddler stage. It’s a basic life skill that should be taught by parents gradually, with positive reinforcement rather than bribery or having to shame a child into doing it by videoing them. You might have to go back to basics and start again with your teenager, but doing it kindly will be best. Make sure your cutlery is as helpful as possible as well, knives that will cut up meat, broad forks, appropriate sized spoons for whatever is being eaten.

Something as simple as neglecting this type of learning can put children at a disadvantage socially. Poor, messy eating habits are unattractive at parties, get togethers, in the work place and as a life partner choice. So unless there is a very very good reason for all the mess, and not excuses, it’s best to try and give some help as soon as you can.

DC12 and 13 have good table manners but DH still remind them all the time to sit up straight and calls out DD13 immediately if an elbow goes near the table. She has fixed braces too.

I would say…eat sitting up at a table as in front of TV is going to embed bad habits. No food in bedrooms either. Make sure you and DP always model good table manners. Call out DS every single time.