Can someone help me understand/what more can I do?

[BlueEyesUltimateDragon]

My DH is struggling with DC and I don't know what to do to help.

DC are 5 and 13 and DH very rarely seems to enjoy them. He is often irritable due to working shifts and I try to keep the children from bothering him too much when he has just come off of shifts as I know he is tired. Both DC are being a bit more difficult than usual, DS13 is pretty explanatory (teenager) and DD5 isn't listening as well, bit more argumentative than usual etc. I believe both are a little burnt out from school and also excited for Christmas and this hasn't helped but they aren't bad kids at all, always get comments on how polite and well behaved they are when we are out/from school/friends etc.

This weekend, DH had an evening out and stayed elsewhere so had a lie in and a good break from them but from 12pm-4pm he had DD and then needed a break as he was finding it all too difficult so I did bath, bed etc. Today he took DD to the park and when he came home I could tell it had been difficult with her. He went and saw DS and had a go about him about a hoody on his floor (his room is nearly spotless apart from the occasional mess because DH is very anti-mess). And then he took himself to bed and has been there since.

He said he doesn't know why but he is just unhappy, doesn't feel like he has smiled in days and just wishes our DC could be good just for one day. Which is all so sad because they have some lovely qualities and when one of them acts out, he struggles to let go of his annoyance and it impacts him the whole day.

All this has come about today and we are booked to see Christmas lights tomorrow as well as have his family over for Christmas so a busy few days where we would ideally be jolly but DH isn't able to hide when he is in a bad mood and I'm worried that Christmas will just end up with a black cloud over it. Last year we had a Christmas outing booked and the whole thing was horrendous because of his bad mood and we had a party earlier in the year and he absolutely ruined it again with his mood (his family actually brought it up to me how uncomfortable they found it). I'm really tempted to ask him to stay home tomorrow so there won't be an atmosphere (besides the Christmas jolliness).

I do the majority of child related things, bed times etc, I do 90% of the housework, I work part time and I've said he can go out regularly for evenings/hobbies if he needs a break from us but I'm just not sure what else to offer. And in all honesty, I'm actually struggling with my own MH, currently having a regular slot with a MH nurse due to anxiety and depression so I'm really a little stuck here and not sure what more I can do here.

Please does anyone have any advice on what I could do to ease the burden for him? When he is happy, our family is brilliant but more often than not he is annoyed and irritable and it takes its toll.

I could say so much but this is pretty long so I'll leave it there but please feel free to ask if you need more info.

So when he sulks and is in a mood he gets out of childcare and family obligations?
He has got you trained

@BlueEyesUltimateDragon a kick up his arse is appropriate at times like these!!! he got a night and a morning off as it is! where was he sleeping when he was elsewhere???

He's got you bent out of shape keeping him happy. I would guarantee the uncertainty and unstable living environment due to his moods is the contributory factor to your own MH issues.

Ask him. Ask him what he wants you to do?

He said he doesn't know why but he is just unhappy, doesn't feel like he has smiled in days and just wishes our DC could be good just for one day

I do the majority of child related things, bed times etc, I do 90% of the housework, I work part time and I've said he can go out regularly for evenings/hobbies if he needs a break from us but I'm just not sure what else to offer

What else does he want you to do?! Arse.

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld he went out with his dad so he stayed at theirs

You’re asking the wrong questions. Never mind easing the burden on him. This is putting a burden on you and your children who are going to learn about having to placate an angry twat’s bad moods. If your kids are being difficult with him, well, all behaviour is communication. Stop pandering to him. This isn’t ok, or something you have to just put up with.

You are offering him everything. Nights out, lie ins, time to engage in hobbies. At first I felt some sympathy as I understand night shifts are very gruelling. But with all you offer, how on earth can this guy moan at you and strop. He sounds a complete and utter tool. It would have taken everything in my power not to despise this person in your position.

Do you think he just dislikes the drudgery of domestic life? Do you think he still feels attracted to you and connected to you? None of this is on you btw! I know it's so difficult to do this but I think you know that you need to really enquire - why are you unhappy. This is not to ' fix' it but more to try understand what is really going on. There will be more going on in his mind here. Please just listen and seek more information rather than allowing this guy to dump more on you. He's being a dick.

Seriously, is this the childhood you want for your children? Ruining things with his moods. Blaming the kids when they do nothing wrong.

Nope. Do not make your kids live with this bully.

Just to add I am happy to do the childcare and housework as I work part time and he does work long shifts but I just wish he actually enjoyed our family a little more and it wasn't such a chore for us to do things all together.

I do get tired pretending that I'm switched on and jolly for the kids all the time but I get some quiet time to decompress once they have gone to bed and I'd rather be like I am than have the kids see me in a bad mood.

Sorry I'm rambling a little bit

He is choosing to behave like this.

Your children have no choice in their lives. Please don’t think this is ok. He went to bed in a strop because your son had a hoodie on his floor - this is emotional abuse.

I’m hiding this thread as it’s upset me, please don’t @ me.

Your poor kids! He sounds like a knob!

How long has he been behaving like this?

@tittat50 I do think this may be it - normal life is tiring and dull at times but he just seems to find it harder than ever right now. I'm not concerned about attraction, he is very vocal about that (in a good way!) And I have no concerns of cheating/wandering eye etc

We have had a lot of upheaval in the last 18 months (moved across the country, new jobs, 2 house moves including buying, new schools) so I understand stress may play a part here and I believe that is part of my MH issues too. But I go into family events worried in case he is grumpy and ruins it.

This isn't nice for you or the children. He sounds like a spoiled child. I used to walk on eggshells and me and ds were used to dealing with a dark mood in the house. It's just me and ds now and it's all happy and carefree in our home.

@Notouchingmybhuna I would say there has been a marked change since he started shift work, before that he was much more easy going

DD wants me to play so I'll come back to this thread a bit later, thank you, I am reading all replies

I also see you've mentioned being worried about his behaviour at family events. I remember that feeling, the atmosphere with everyone tiptoeing around him. It's miserable, i feel for you.

There is nothing more you can do for him. This is a problem for him to solve, he may need to do that with proffesional support but he needs to be the one to find that.

You should focus on what you want do to make things better for yourself and your children. Making getting your ducks in a row, that doesn’t mean leaving just been in position where you have that option.

Based on that then OP, he sounds like he's taking advantage. It's reminiscent of a stroppy teenager who is unhappy about something. If the shift work is becoming a problem ( I can see how this would be difficult and impact mood), then it's on him to sort that out.

I think you can be supportive and kind in your discussion about this but a point comes where he needs to know he's having a very negative impact on you all. If he needs to look for other work then maybe he should. It's not your job to sort this or do any more.

I agree with @ClumsyBastard (love your name, by the way)

ask him what he wants you to do.

shift work is very hard on one’s body and consequently one’s mental health and winter is absolutely the worst time for it. Still this is no excuse for being grumpy with you or the kids. I’d ask him.

hope you have a good Christmas somehow, OP 🙏🏻xx

Remind him that if you split over his behaviour he will have sole charge of both his DC 24/7 half of every week. That might change his attitude.

My dad was like this. So much nicer in my household when my mum divorced, just lighter and more fun. Having a go at a tidy teenager over a hoody- face facts, OP, there's nothing you can do as he's determined to have a shit time and see the worst in them.

I can understand how stressed you both must be. Don’t think either of you are right or wrong, but raising children, working, keeping a house together can get very stressful at times, and I possibly think that there’s extra stress around Xmas time. I am assuming you were both up for actually having a family, and did talk about it, and the constraints it would bring before you did? It’s perhaps a time to try and quietly and productively have a friendly conversation around how things are going some years in, and to see if any changes, better understanding of children’s behaviour, might be needed.
Slightly controversial perhaps, but it might be fair to say that some partnerships can get a bit strained when all the attention, love, commitment from one partner might be going towards the children, rather than it was during the happy “just us” phase? Not saying that’s the case here, nor that either partner might be excluded, but it possibly does happen. An active 5 year old will be a handful, and a possibly moody teenager might be the same?
Either way, I hope that some good communication both ways will get you through.

I would be in a horrible irritable mood if I was doing shift work. Have you had a serious conversation with him about the feasibility of him continuing to do shift work?

What are his options? Does he recognise that the shift work is making him miserable and taking it out on the kids?

I suspect your mental health would be a lot better if you weren't walking on eggshells around a sulky volatile manchild who holds the whole family to ransom over completely normal and insignificant daily challenges. He's making his family miserable because they aren't conforming to some weird brittle ideal he's dreamed up. I would start pushing back, firmly. If he doesn't stop sulking over not having the perfect children/wife/home he's going to lose the ones he's lucky enough to have.

You're asking what more you can do - the answer is nothing. It isn't about what you do or don't do. He's deliberately intimidating you and will continue to do so because it gives him a sense of male power and he gets his own way. Even if you had a magic wand you couldn't make it any better. Far too many men are fond of doing this to a greater or lesser degree. Sit him down and calmly tell him that the impact on you and the children is untenable. He should be adjusting his behaviour as a father and husband. If he cannot, then the marriage I'm afraid is over.

Is he a police officer?