Can someone help me understand/what more can I do?

[BlueEyesUltimateDragon]

My DH is struggling with DC and I don't know what to do to help.

DC are 5 and 13 and DH very rarely seems to enjoy them. He is often irritable due to working shifts and I try to keep the children from bothering him too much when he has just come off of shifts as I know he is tired. Both DC are being a bit more difficult than usual, DS13 is pretty explanatory (teenager) and DD5 isn't listening as well, bit more argumentative than usual etc. I believe both are a little burnt out from school and also excited for Christmas and this hasn't helped but they aren't bad kids at all, always get comments on how polite and well behaved they are when we are out/from school/friends etc.

This weekend, DH had an evening out and stayed elsewhere so had a lie in and a good break from them but from 12pm-4pm he had DD and then needed a break as he was finding it all too difficult so I did bath, bed etc. Today he took DD to the park and when he came home I could tell it had been difficult with her. He went and saw DS and had a go about him about a hoody on his floor (his room is nearly spotless apart from the occasional mess because DH is very anti-mess). And then he took himself to bed and has been there since.

He said he doesn't know why but he is just unhappy, doesn't feel like he has smiled in days and just wishes our DC could be good just for one day. Which is all so sad because they have some lovely qualities and when one of them acts out, he struggles to let go of his annoyance and it impacts him the whole day.

All this has come about today and we are booked to see Christmas lights tomorrow as well as have his family over for Christmas so a busy few days where we would ideally be jolly but DH isn't able to hide when he is in a bad mood and I'm worried that Christmas will just end up with a black cloud over it. Last year we had a Christmas outing booked and the whole thing was horrendous because of his bad mood and we had a party earlier in the year and he absolutely ruined it again with his mood (his family actually brought it up to me how uncomfortable they found it). I'm really tempted to ask him to stay home tomorrow so there won't be an atmosphere (besides the Christmas jolliness).

I do the majority of child related things, bed times etc, I do 90% of the housework, I work part time and I've said he can go out regularly for evenings/hobbies if he needs a break from us but I'm just not sure what else to offer. And in all honesty, I'm actually struggling with my own MH, currently having a regular slot with a MH nurse due to anxiety and depression so I'm really a little stuck here and not sure what more I can do here.

Please does anyone have any advice on what I could do to ease the burden for him? When he is happy, our family is brilliant but more often than not he is annoyed and irritable and it takes its toll.

I could say so much but this is pretty long so I'll leave it there but please feel free to ask if you need more info.

You could help make a GPs appointment for/with him?

As he either needs help for his mental health, or he needs to pull himself together and stop taking his moods out on people.

In any event, therapy might be helpful for him… otherwise divorce.

“Don’t think either of you are right or wrong”

The DH is very obviously in the wrong.

just wishes our DC could be good just for one day.

Your DC are 'good'. Don't let an adult blame them for his struggles. They are not to blame for his moods or for him struggling with normal family life.

Im sorry, it sounds really hard
He sounds like a fun sponge with his moods casting a shadow over the whole family.
it sounds like you are already going above and beyond to try and make sure he has time to recover after work and not too long with the kids on his own.

what would he do if you took the same attitude as him? And just opted out when it all became too much?

of course people don’t always love parenting and teenagers and 5 yr olds can be arseholes sometimes ,but you created them and you get on with it knowing it won’t be forever!

I’m afraid I’d find his attitude really unattractive and it would affect how I felt towards him

Send him that matt walsh video where he has a choice to either turn up at home grumpy and miserable or make an effort and be present for your family. I'm not a fan of him but i think he's right about this. Women do it on instinct

I feel sorry for you and your children.
Sure as night follows day his behaviour will fuck up your children particularly your teenager.
His behaviour has affected you op as you're trying to do everything to keep him sweet.

Is he like this for every big event? Spoils them?

Split tomorrow so he has the kids for a couple of hours, then you take them both out to do the lights for the rest of the day.

Does He get enough sleep, daily exercise, see friends regularly?

I wonder whether he needs counselling too? You both might need antidepressants

This is a horrible read.

You are bending over backwards trying to excuse this manchild (who presumably planned the kids with you) from adult responsibility like parenting) You might be ok doing it all but you’re sending the kids a terrible message - they probably know that daddy is not keen on them and staying risks them picking partners and repeating the same old pattern. He is abusing the kids with these moods and only he can work on sorting things out. Personally I’d be splitting because your kids are being damaged every day.

There’s a small possibility that he would be better as a part time parent but a lot of men with his attitude use it as an excuse to drift out of the kids lives which is sad but better than the current setup.

He clearly doesn’t know any children other than his own. Even if the kids were “good” I bet that definition means something like being quiet, not bothering him all day and complimenting him when they see him at mealtimes. Your kids aren’t the problem but he’s saying it is because he doesn’t consider himself as the issue 🚩 Even if the kids could be his definition of good for the day, do you really think it would sort out his abusive behaviour? Of course not. Your children aren’t humans and not robots and sound great to me.

Thank you for sharing your no doubt unbiased opinion. I couldn’t deduce as much as you clearly have from a one sided post, but sincerely hope that both the OP and her partner will consider a well timed friendly conversation before heading for the divorce/separation option. There’s usually two points of view, positive and negative on both sides, but, if the MN jury has spoken……

Some men are too selfish to do the work to become a decent parent.

Your DH sounds like he has developed a sense of entitlement to behave petulantly or aggressively whenever something isn't exactly how he wants it.

It is up to him to decide whether he wants to learn how to shift his mindset, develop patience, let go of things being 'perfect' (for him), learn to communicate respectfully, work on his energy levels, etc.

If he does want to shift things for himself, therapy can help.

If he doesn't, I suspect that distant relationships with his children and possibly a divorce are in his future.

When you have children you can't afford to let things get to you all day, he sounds so childish and needs to grow up.

@Oioisavaloy27

If you're fairly new here, you might not know that it's a convention on Mumsnet not to quote the original post. Everyone knows replies are usually in response to the original post, and if lots of people quote the first post (especially if it's a long one), it makes the thread really long and cluttered.

When you say he’s doing shift work, is he doing nights?

I know some people cannot work night shifts.

I would not be with anyone who I have to walk on egg shells around and I was ready to say that you should leave but actually if this is out of character and he’s only been like it since starting shift work then I would try and change that first.

Can he change his hours at all?
Is it financially possible to drop any hours?

I get being stressed out but as a single parent myself who works FT, never gets a break and has to do all of the parenting, cooking, cleaning etc all myself, it really annoys me that he can’t seem to put on a smile for his kids.

I would ask him to stay home but spin it like it’s so he can have a break.
And then in the new year tell him things need to change and if that means changing his hours etc then so be it but you can’t carry on like this.