To not want to go on holiday with DH’s family the week before my 40th?

[purplespinach]

DH wants to go on holiday with his parents, sister, and brother to celebrate their dad’s 70th. His sister lives in Chile and his brother in California. So we’d need to meet somewhere in the middle.

His birthday is a week before mine. I’m 40 the same year.

AIBU to not want to go on holiday the week before my 40th because then that means that if I wanted to go on a trip with my friends then I’d be stuck to pick somewhere in that half of the world? Or if I wanted a longer 2 week holiday with dh then I couldn’t do that over my 40th

But FIL has already had his 40th.

By your logic OP will also miss out on her 50th and 60th to prioritise FIL.

Week in Mexico or elsewhere in Central America for FILs 70th. Then a short flight or road trip to vegas for your 40th. Meet your friends there. That’s what I’d do in the circumstances. Don’t really see why you can’t do both. If you hate your inlaws and don’t want to go that’s another matter. Send your dh on his own and go away for your 40th with your friends that week instead

I think you’re deliberately missing that the point that OP wants to do something to celebrate her own birthday.

So many people are telling her that she needs to
suck it up and go to FILs.

Most people are pointing out that the two are not mutually exclusive.

I was 50 last year. In August. Celebrations started in June and finished in Sept (I did different things with different people). The 'main' thing (long w/e with friends) was 2 weeks after the actual day. Made not a jot of difference.

70th with kids from different continents takes precedent over doing something on your 40th for the exact week before you're 40.

Who wants to go on back to back holidays? Sounds like a nightmare.

Many people have told OP to suck it up.

The reason the FIL birthday should be prioritised isn't that it's 70th vs 40th, it's that it's already been organised and booked and has involved an immense amount of logistics. If OP had already booked her own 40th celebration and it clashed, she would be justified in going ahead with it. But she hasn't, so she should consider the dates of the trip for the 70th ringfenced. There are many other dates to choose from for her celebration.

She doesn't have to go on back-to-back holidays if she doesn't want to.

The holiday might be a year away.

It’s not fair for OP to have to miss out on her own plans because FIL has got in their first.

And yes, plenty have said 70th trumps a 40th.

That’s the solution being touted by people upthread.

AIBU to not want to go on holiday the week before my 40th because then that means that if I wanted to go on a trip with my friends then I’d be stuck to pick somewhere in that half of the world? Or if I wanted a longer 2 week holiday with dh then I couldn’t do that over my 40th

Then just have a longer two-week holiday or a break with your friends at a different time. Really, I can't see the issue here. You don't have to go away on your actual birthday. Are your friends even able/willing to go away with you for your birthday?!

Ultimately, if you wanted to plan a holiday for your 40th you should have done that, rather than just expecting everyone else to keep several weeks free either side of it on the off-chance that you decide you want to do something.

I've just said a 70th doesn't trump a 40th but an actual plan trumps no plan. She doesn't have any actual plans herself, just a vague idea. And yes, the nature of social commitments is that you go with the one you commit to first.

She doesn't have to miss out on anything. If she wants to go away she can do so in any other week of the year. No one has to get trumped.

don't go if you don't want to - no reason for DH to change his plans.
from the OP you do come across like a petulant 13 year old.

No one has the right to book up anyone’ time. You can invite, but you can’t expect attendance.

OP hasn’t committed yet. And she wants to go away on her actual birthday, not on a random week.

What difference will going away a few weeks later make?

It makes a difference to her. And that’s allowed.

To me, the only consideration is whether or not you want to travel that far for your in-laws 70s. If you don’t, can your husband go alone?

Yes it is allowed. But it saddens me how self centred people have become in recent years.

The OP can do whatever she likes for her 40th, of course she can. However an important part of being an adult is the ability to compromise, and also to consider others.

As has already been said by many, her FIL has spent time making plans to get all of his children together. He has made actual plans. The OP has not made plans, and is just whinging as this well thought out trip now "could" clash with her hypothetical plans.

But nothing is stopping the OP from celebrating her 40th - she's just complaining that her FIL has had the audacity to make plans to celebrate his own birthday a week before hers.

You’ve assumed that FIL has made firm plans, but OP doesn’t say that or that anything has been booked. FIL telling his wife and kids let’s go on holiday is hardly ‘time spent making actual plans’. It sounds just as pie in the sky as OP’s plans, if you want to look at it that way.

And nowhere has OP said anything that implies ‘she's just complaining that her FIL has had the audacity to make plans to celebrate his own birthday a week before hers.’

You’ve made that up.

And looks like OP’s not coming back so this is all moot.

Reading between the lines, I think the OP’s problem with this is - she hasn’t made a plan yet for her 40th, but even if she doesn’t go on the trip for FILs 70th, the very fact it is happening the week before limits her options and she’s grumpy that because she’s not got organised first, whatever she does will have to fit round this trip for FIL, not be all about her and what she wants to do.

so she could go on the FIL trip for a week then have another week just her and dh somewhere else in either north or South America, realistically she’s not going to Asia or Australia - she’s got to fit into his plan. Which would be fine but does mean she’s not the first priority.

if the OP doesn’t go on the trip, if her dh does go, she’s unlikely to get 2 weeks away with him that go over her birthday as that would mean he has to take 3 weeks off work in a block, and how likely is he to say yes to getting off a long haul flight from California just to get on another plane with the OP to Thailand or wherever she’s picked for her birthday trip?

I don’t think that the problem is FIL wanting a trip, it’s just that the OP now has to fit her plans around the FIL getting in first with his plans and she doesn’t already have the excuse of saying “I can’t make it, we’ve booked to go to Hong Kong the week after.” Because she’s not organised anything yet.

OP it’s ok to privately upset that whatever you do, the fact this trip is happening the week before your birthday is going to cause logistical issues that limit you, but you didn’t get your plans firmed up first so now you’ve got to just fit in.

(if it helps, my 40th was supposed to be happening on a family holiday to the Netherlands the with a meal booked at Le Gavroche for grown up party the weekend after we got back- instead covid lockdown happened and I had lasagna made by the dcs washed down with some nice wine which made the next morning’s queue for the supermarket even more unpleasant.)

Can’t DH go and you go on the trip with your friends that you say you wanted to do?

I think you are not unreasonable in not wanting to go as long as you dont moan if your dh goes.

He should be able to prioritise this holiday over your birthday as it has been planned before you have made any plan and I also do think 70 is more important than 40, especially if its a big family celebration.

OK it's not ideal.

But I would try to reframe it as this; that part of the world is far away so being there to start with gives you some amazing options.

Central America is incredible. Guatemala has the biggest pyramid in the world. Yes, bigger than Giza. CA has ancient cultures, jungles, delicious food, great people, everything from luxury to complete simplicity. It can be cheap and cheerful or high end. Costa Rica or Belize if you like fancy.

And then there's South America...

Take the win. Have a break with FIL and then head out with DH for your own adventure.

The OP isn’t FIL’s child though, he probably won’t be that bothered whether she goes or not! I’d definitely prioritise friends over in-laws, and I wouldn’t go to in-law stuff if I didn’t fancy it.