To not want to go on holiday with DH’s family the week before my 40th?

[purplespinach]

DH wants to go on holiday with his parents, sister, and brother to celebrate their dad’s 70th. His sister lives in Chile and his brother in California. So we’d need to meet somewhere in the middle.

His birthday is a week before mine. I’m 40 the same year.

AIBU to not want to go on holiday the week before my 40th because then that means that if I wanted to go on a trip with my friends then I’d be stuck to pick somewhere in that half of the world? Or if I wanted a longer 2 week holiday with dh then I couldn’t do that over my 40th

Because you will have much fewer big birthdays to celebrate.
It would in our house.

But then my Dad died when he was 71.

Unreasonable. You can celebrate your birthday the week that it is your birthday, or any other time. If all of their children live in different countries, it will be special for them to all be together.

Do the family trip and do something for your 40th later in the month.

Or if you don't really like your in-laws don't go and do something with friends (obviously your dh still goes)

You don't get why getting to 70 is more worthy of celebration than 40?

Also this man has children who live very far away. Seeing them for this birthday is much more loaded with importance than going on holiday with friends for one's 40th (which OP can of course, still do).

Yes, this. Why don’t you go away with your friends while DH goes to his dad’s 70th? That’s what I’d do if I didn’t fancy the holiday to California/Chile/somewhere in the middle (although I personally do want to go to central or South America so I’d go on that basis and make sure I booked some excursions that I wanted to do around the day of the 70th)

You can have your birthday trip anytime. DH and I celebrated our 30th anniversary this year and had a trip to California. Our anniversary was in September but we had our trip in April.

I want to shout this on every one of these birthday threads because it would solve 90% of the issues.

You don't need to celebrate your birthday on, or even near, the actual date!

Give yourself the gift of gathering those you want to see at a time of your convenience. It'll be easier and more enjoyable. I usually end up having my birthday celebration a month or so after the actual date due to a combination of the date falling in a hectic work period, and my own terminal disorganisation. It's still a good time.

OP - just celebrate your 40th a week or two later. Or a month later. Whatever's convenient for you.

Well I didn't really think of it like that as getting to an age! I think I just thought both big zeros and her birthday her choice, but if birthdays aren't on the same day she can do her 40th over that and still go to the 70th.

Meet your friends to celebrate your 40th once you're back from the 70th birthday celebrations

I think you need to remember that you're an adult.

Or if I wanted a longer 2 week holiday with dh then I couldn’t do that over my 40th

Doesn't sound like that’s an option anyway because your DH will be on his family trip. I think YABU just because you sound like you’re making excuses to not to go. If you don’t want to go then don’t go and go on a trip with your friends on your birthday if that’s what you want to do. DH and family are all coming together from different areas for a special birthday so as long as you don’t put a downer on it for your DH. Would you be back from the trip for your birthday or does it take place whilst on holiday?

i wouldn’t go.

That's a ridiculous and rather rude suggestion

My 40th lasted most of the year as I dragged out the celebrations so don't see why you can't go with your friends or just DH later on?

Well you're not being unreasonable not to want to go, but you'd be wildly unreasonable to try and stop your Husband going to celebrate his Dad's 70th birthday.

Do you actually have a trip with friends or a two week holiday with your Husband planned or are these hypothetical scenarios?

Also, you don't have to celebrate your birthday on the actual date. My 40th party was 4 weeks before my actual birthday as we timed it to coincide with some family visiting from another country. It was no less of a birthday celebration for being a bit astray of my birthday.

Why does 70 trump 40?

Do what you want OP.

DH can choose to go to his dads big family birthday/holiday and you can choose to do whatever you like.

Just celebrate a week later or confine yourself to an incredible second trip in an amazing part of the world- I mean in what universe is this a problem?!! Sounds so entitled.

Absolutely - chance of reaching 50 when you're 40 is a lot greater than chance of reaching 80 from 70! It's not just that though, it's having all family members together in one place is really significant - I have great fondness of the last time we were all together with my mum, for example.

Where did this idea come from that the celebration of a birthday is linked to how 'well' you've done to be able to live that long? If that were the case, no one would bother celebrating for 1 year olds (at least in the Western world where infant mortality isn't such a problem) and birthday parties for 90 year old would be everyone's social priority over anything else. One age doesn't 'trump' another. It's the fact that this man lives at a distance from his immediate family members that makes his celebration important, in my view.

You misunderstand my post. It's not about doing well, it's about the likelihood of this being the last birthday ending in a "0" that might happen at all.

If you don't like his family much and therefore don't want to go then say so to your dh. If you can't afford this holiday plus a holiday if your choice then say so. The excuse you are currently going with sounds poor.

I would do eg a week in Mexico for my husbands family thing then a week in the Caribbean for me, and you can invite friends
To the Caribbean if you like. 👍🏻

No, it doesn’t. OP is only turning 40 once, she is allowed to celebrate her birthday.

FIL is also allowed to celebrate his 70th, so those who want to go with him should go but OP shouldn’t be forced along like some appendage to her husband.

MN is sometimes very good at telling women to put themselves last.

"forced along like some sort of appendage" is a really weird and dramatic way of putting "going to a party with your in-laws" - or are you saying the norm should be that husbands and wives simply don't accompany each other anywhere?