Early gift disappointment

[Veronay]

Exchanged gifts with bf, we do it before Christmas as we spend the day itself at our respective families'. I knew I'd overspent but it's not really the money aspect, I don't really care about the value it's just the gifts in particular don't seem very thoughtful, almost like the first thing he saw he bought if that makes sense. I like to take time to thoroughly look and decide what to get everyone, and I know not everyone has the time to do this (or wants to) and that's OK.
I'm posting because it's actually surprised me how disappointed I feel. I wasn't expecting anything in particular, and in fact I don't dislike the gifts, they're still nice, so feeling this down about them has really surprised me. In particular, one of the items is a piece of jewellery, but it's costume style jewellery (not real silver/gold or anything), just the sort of thing I'd possibly buy myself as a small treat. I think it might be because jewelley can be something of a statement, so I'm reading more into it than I probably should. Again, it's not a horrible piece, just if I'm being honest nothing special, and it's been our first full year together this year. Everything I got him I spent ages choosing and he absolutely loves all of them, put them on immediately etc, which does make me happy.
I'm posting to vent as I would never in a million years tell anyone if I was disappointed in what they got me, it would break my heart to tell anyone that, and also possibly for advice as to how to hide this, as like I've said I've never really felt disappointed like this before and it's taken me by surprise, I'm struggling to hide it at the moment. I also feel maybe a bit embarassed about spending slughtly more on him and thinkng so much abojt the hifts. I'm sure many other people have experienced something similar, and was wondering how you process it or conceal it, especially over rhe holiday when under more social pressure etc.

She said it was something she likes and she'd buy herself.

That's not a crappie gift

I think you are being disingenuous and in fact you have spent a lot more than him, so the actual issue is that there is a disparity in budgets. Difficult when you are talking n the early stages of a relationship and not quite understood the other person’s expectations. I do get the disappointment have been known to have a little cry in the shower.

How much did you spend?

How much do you think he spent?

Is it the discrepancy in budget that's the real issue?

Exactly?? I’m quite confused about that?

I'm a totally crap gift giver. I'm the same with shopping for myself. I get overwhelmed by the choice and completely stressed about by the pressure to buy "the perfect gift" so that the receiver is not disappointed. I am also conscious of environmental waste and gift giving for the sake of it creating lots of packaing that goes to landfill. There is just too much choice in all the shops, I don't know what the receiver already has so don't want to duplicate, I hate the deadlines of Christmas etc and would rather just buy someone a gift when I saw it and thought of them through the year but there is such a societal expectation to buy these gifts at set times: Mothers Day, Valentines Day, Christmas etc, often when the shops are full of tat instead.

I don't think I'm a horrible person for it and would really really really hate for others to judge me for not being good at it. The people I generally buy for already have everything and buy lots for themselves through the year so it really is difficult to try to think of something perfect or original for them.

God lots of nasty posts! First Christmas together - I've been there. Come back on Christmas day and see how many threads there will be about shit presents from husbands of 10+ years. Some people are really good at presents, but men like this are a rarity. They're just not socialised to think that deeply about other people. As PPs have said, he might have really tried, but his version of trying is far from yours. Next year, and for your birthday, you'll just have to give him a list. My friend's DH is a very special man who keeps a secret list all year round of things my friend mentions, so he can surprise her with great presents. Extremely rare now.. maybe in 50 years men will have evolved.

So basically he wasn't extravagant/showy enough.

You're skirting around it but its quite obvious basically you wanted him to spend more /buy something more expensive.

I think it's ridiculous that some men get a pass because 'they just aren't good at present buying' or because gifts aren't their 'love language' (ick!), when actually they are clearly just thoughtless, lazy or disorganised (or all 3).

However, that's clearly not the case here. He bought you nice gifts that you admit you like. How was he supposed to know that you spend loads on presents (for someone you've only been with for a relatively short time) and that you expected him to do the same?

Thanks for your replies. I do agree that I feel ungrateful, but my issue is that I can't help it. Like I said I've hidden it so I haven't outwardly expressed how I feel but I still feel it nonetheless. The issue isn't the value of the items, it's more that they're not really that special, although you could argue that more valuable things do seem more special. Like I guess if.you splash out on or spend ages searching for something that's not the sort of thing they'd get themselves.
It wasn't a necklace, it was a pair of earrings that are sort of kitschy type you'd get from etsy or something like that. The other couple of things were more practical, so not things that are the extra soecial things I'd associate with Christmas. And he is generally quite thoughtful with this sort of thing, he enjoys shopping etc.

It sounds as if you spent a lot and he spent a lot less. I suspect you’d like to ‘‘show off’ his gift to you to your friends and family and you’d prefer if it was more of a statement or fine piece of jewellery, rather than ‘just’ a piece of costume jewellery.

A lot of people, men and women, are awful at gift buying, it may just be you are all for expensive gifts and he doesn’t even think to spend a lot. Maybe you bought him expensive/known brands of clothes while he might not be into brands and just saw the necklace and thought it was pretty and something you’d like - which you did but expected more to be spent.

But you can buy a gift at any time during the year... and then give it to them at Christmas! The 'deadline' is irrelevant- you have unlimited time before it to buy a present!

I'm not sure, I could probably work it out but its not a massive difference. As I've said it's not so much the cost it's how special the gifts feel. It's not like I actively dislike them though, so maybe I do need to just accept it and move on.

Thing is, OP, even if he'd spent a lot more money, perhaps it wouldn't have been to your taste? At least he got you something you would have chosen yourself. Sometimes men get it a bit wrong. i've got a platinum wedding ring and DH thought he was doing great when he bought me a long platinum chain "to match" a couple of years after we got married. It is not the kind of thing I'd wear and unfortunately he sensed my bit of upset at the thought he'd wasted his money but I actually loved the thoughtfulness behind it. His intentions had been good but it was obviously hard to get that across to him.

What did you get him?

It sounds as though the presents didn’t make you feel the way you wanted to feel about yourself, or feel about your relationship. That’s a hard bar for someone to meet.

Either you’re imagining something in your head that they don’t know about or you don’t even know yourself what would fill that requirement. I do sympathise with this, but I think it’s probably nearly impossible for somebody to meet. And even if they did, it doesn’t necessarily reflect on anything else in the relationship. It’s really about how you feel about you, including the presents you buy for other people.

I've never really thought of doing that, as daft as it sounds! Probably because I'd forget I'd bought it, put it away somewhere and then remember in January that I'd bought it, and forget where I'd put it anyway 😆

They actually sound like very thoughtful presents to me! I can't see what the issue is really.

Hmm. This is interesting and I think that probably helpful to really unpick what the issue is.

It's not the money.

It's not that you don't like the gifts. You say that you would buy them yourself.

What exactly do you mean by special? And why, in your heart are you disappointed. Its OK to be disappointed but the productive thing is to work out why.

Did you see the exchange of Christmas gifts as a symbolic stage in the development of the relationship. Eg were you hoping for a door key and a suggestion you move in together.

It’s a gift, not a tribute. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. You go to a lot of trouble to tell us it’s not about the cost. Your post reads as though it’s about how much he spent.

And it really is always worth having the conversation about how families view Christmas and gifts.

For example in mine, and many families, birthday are the special gifts. Christmas is for a small token exchange, such as books etc. I

You may feel unappreciated but that doesn't mean you ARE unappreciated.

Earrings that you'd have chosen yourself sound great to me.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time on here, and normally I'd be the first to jump on someone if they were being shallow, etc, but I don't think that's you.

I absolutely get it. I had the same feeling for my birthday a few months ago, and it really knocked me back. Previously, it was my mum's big birthday, and I'd planned a surprise day out, musical, dinner at Michelin star restaurant- BIG things, planned the route, picked her up, the whole lot.
But for my birthday, also a significant birthday, she asked me a month in advance what I wanted to do, and then simply booked a meal with her and her partner, which is something we do every few months anyway, and is more something 'she' wants to do to spend time together, i.e. nothing special. It felt all very 'box ticky', just something to do and get out the way. I legitimately felt really unloved, and still do.

So i get what you're upset about. It's not the money, but the feeling that someone has given you the same careful consideration and planning that you put into them. Had your bf made you a card, listened to you months ago when you were admiring that 'thing' in the shop you passed together, and actually designed each and every present around you, even if it cost nothing, that would have been perfect... but a five minute purchase on Etsy with a few practical items, I get it...

I'd rather have a £10 chocolate that they shipped in from Belgium because they know I love it, and it's not in the uk, than a £200 Alexa device they just clicked 'buy' on Amazon two days ago.

Were you hoping for an engagement ring?

🤣 My DH keeps buying me Pandora bracelets. I’m embarrassed to say how many I have now. They’re lovely but I’m just not a big jewellery wearer. I run a business from home that’s very hands on and messy and I do a lot of sport, so they’re very impractical for me. I maybe wear one once a year if I remember.

OP, I understand. I think I had (and still have a bit) a fantasy that my DH is going to wow me with something super that’s taken him time, thought, a bit of creativity and research. It’s romantic. It’s not about the cost either. We went through the years of him giving me ever increasing quantities of Body Shop body butters for Christmas every year because I pretended I was happy with the stuff the first year he got it for me. In reality it was a boring gift and the stuff just disintegrated on top of my skin and ruined my clothes. I got that awful sinking disappointment/riddled with guilt at my ingratitude when it reached the point that one year I received a large Christmas stocking rammed full with 12 tubs. I should have been more honest up front! It all got thrown out

I learnt to be very specific and to very clearly tell him if I wanted something - and if I didn’t want something. No clutter, no tatt - like mugs with a photo of the cat on (yes that happened too), no cuddly toys, no body butter (!) are some of the rules. I haven’t had the heart to say no more Pandora though because they are well put together and quite frankly not cheap, so thought has definitely gone into them, and I would feel really mean.

if it helps, I had an OH before my DH who gave me wonderful thoughtful things for Christmas and birthdays including trips and holidays, but in most other areas of our relationship I was really unhappy. Next year, just pick something you’d really like that you would never buy for yourself and let him know that’s what you’d like please. Give him the opportunity to do the same.

i feel your pain x

I think you might be onto something with this, it is like I've felt something that I didn't expect. To be honest I didn't have any gift in particular in mind, I think for me, Christmas is about being a bit indulged and in a relationship that's good to feel extra special, but everyone has different traditions/ experiences of it. I think that also because I know he does usually make a good effort most of the time I probanly expected he would with this. But maybe I do just have totally unrealistic expectations that can't be met, and that I can't even define.