To be angry at DH?

[Carla11]

Every Christmas I am solely in charge of buying presents.
Now my DC are older it is so much harder.
They never really know what they want but most of the things they do want are quite expensive. So instead of the pile of presents they got when they were small ( that I could bulk out with colouring books etc) they only get a few gifts and I like to make them special.

I had ordered some trainers for my DD that I know she would love. But I got the wrong size, ordered the next size up and need to return the first pair but do have 60days.

DH going to the post office this morning and DD was in her room getting ready to go out.
He shouts out to me "have you returned the trainers?"

Aware that DD was here I just replied that I have. He then keeps shouting "are you sure?"

I quietly go downstairs and tell him to be quite, that I will do it today and that DD is upstairs.

He then shouts at the top of his voice " Don't be so stupid, she can't hear me! Why do you have to make an issue out of it!!" And slams the door.

DD comes in and asks me what that was all about? I just said nothing and carried on with my jobs.

Im just upset that it's always down to me to get presents and now out of a few gifts she has got she knows what one of them are.

But apparently I'm in the wrong for shutting him down??

I'm sorry you are still struggling however I see you aren't greyrocking fully atm.

Told him I was getting tired of the constant digs he replied that he is tired of my constant drinking.

You don't tell him anything that affects you as he will just use that information against you. Nothing, absolutely nothing, you say will give him a eureka moment where he admits he is treating you appallingly and suddenly changes. Stop giving him ammunition. Grey rocking isn't just about not reacting, it is also about not giving them information.

How are your plans coming along? Hopefully 2025 will be your best year ever 🍾

Oh, it's you again.

What a surprise.

I agree with this. I think you've crossed the marriage Rubicon and it's now about making life as bearable for yourself as you can while you plan to separate.

You're not going to be able to use words to change him. He'll never alter his basic state of being full of defects. No words will fix him. He doesn't care if he makes you feel bad - in fact he probably admires himself for it.

You can however alter how you react to him, and how you choose to live your life, and your future life plans, to your own benefit. And your DC will benefit too.

You post made me smile. “Running a small country”. Brilliant.

I'm sorry? Am I not allowed to post without your permission?

Yeah, that was very good! And sums up the misplaced ego of the OP's husband.

Leave him honestly I spent 10 years with a man who I thought I would be able and be able to leave because I couldn't muster the courage to do it you deserve better

Meh, he was always going to retaliate to a statement like that.

Back to grey rocking until you can get the divorce underway.

What a clown.
He should shout down the toilet, the piece of work.

Thank you everyone.

I really can't leave yet, but I'm going to concentrate on myself this year and start getting things in place.
@Pixiedust1234 I know I shouldn't have said anything but was responding to a particular cutting comment.
Back to the grey rocking and thank you for your advice.
@WinterCrow yes I have realised that nothing will change him. Some major things happened over the last few years and he was awful. It's really not the life I thought I would have. I always thought that marriage should be like a team. But he has constantly chipped away and treated me like an enemy.

I don't like who I am anymore. I look terrible. But that is something I can change. Thank you all, this is really helping x

Once I realised my relationship was over but I was trapped, I spent over a year trying to find a way out. I have serious health issues so looked at disability aids and tips for washing, cooking, laundry, shopping etc. I spent time pushing the GP for medications/referrals/social prescriber. I started taking lots of different supplements as he controlled my diet. I started gentle walking (still struggling on this). I found two different groups, one for pain and one for chair based exercises, but both have a sort of social aspect to it. I looked into our financials and had a one off solicitor appointment to find out my rights.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that just because you cannot leave right now doesn't mean you can't put things in place to help make your leaving more successful and less painful when you do. It also helps with moments of despair. Is there anything you need support/guidance with to help you put things in place?

Thank you @Pixiedust1234
I really need to get a job, but I haven't got any qualifications past gcse.
I have actually been looking for my exam certificates because a lot of jobs you have to prove that you passed Maths and English, but I can't seem to find them.

I would like maybe to start a course but not sure what in? I'm also 54 so thinking I'm too old to start again.
Im definitely going to start looking after myself more. Healthy eating and no alcohol.

I know a lot of people will say just leave but it is really a difficult situation at the moment.

This thread is really helping though

Definitely not too old - maybe apply for an evening or part time course to build your confidence. The college should be able to help you track down evidence of your exam certs. You got this. :)

Are the kids his? I have noticed you say “MY” DD not “OUR” DD…. Probably because he does f all for them too.
Don’t panic about your gcse results. You can probably do an equivalency test or do a prep course to enable you to go into a diploma or degree course. I would encourage it, tbh. I did this late in life and you learn so much about how to reference assignments and they demystify it for you. You won’t be alone I promise. Lots of other mature age students there too.

At your age OP, I think it's highly unlikely that anyone will be expecting you to produce certificates from when you were a teenager.

You are DEFINITELY NOT too old to start again! Lots of people do it at your age and older. Many find at retirement that they actually don't even like each other any more which can lead to a parting of the ways. You might have another 30 or 40 years left, why put up with being miserable?

What are your computer skills like? If they're basic, then can I suggest you do some sort of course related to that? Alternatively, what hobbies do you have, if any? If for example you like gardening, then maybe look at a course to do garden design, or if you like sewing, perhaps take a course in upholstery, or something related to that. Do some research on what jobs there are that fit with things you enjoy doing, for example, if you like looking after people, then maybe a job in a Care Home or similar might be of interest, etc. etc. Have you worked in the past? If so, even though it may be a very long time ago, what did you do, and did you enjoy it? If so, then perhaps look at what you can do to enhance your skills to go back and do something similar.

I think even if you don't ever leave, you can make your life more fulfilling by getting a job, and will learn to value yourself again, whereas when you're a housewife and mother, you do tend to lose sight of your own identity, and a husband or partner who doesn't appreciate you, can soon do severe damage to your self confidence. So, could you get a part time job of some sort for now, this will give you some money of your own, and prove to yourself that you are employable, while at the same time you could be taking an evening class in something else that interests you, and will give you a way into doing a job which you think might be interesting?

It seems to me, that with a start of a New Year, you are in the right place to literally review your life as it is now, and make some decisions about where you'd like to be by this time next year. Then, work out how you're going to get there. You could even post and let us know your plans so that we can hold you accountable, if you think you might start to feel that it's all a bit hopeless again. Just my thoughts, but I do think it would be such a shame to just waste the rest of your life, being a scivvy to someone who doesn't love and appreciate you.

OP contact Women's aid and ask for advice.
You want to get out and these things can take time.
You need to look at retraining, perhaps they can help.
What about adult education in your area?
Are there courses that might suit you.
Quietly take your power back by grey rocking him, caring for yourself and your health, dialing back the drinking, checking out your options locally.
You are in a highly abusive relationship and make sure you tell all the organisations near you that you are trying to get yourself out of it via work and retraining.
Ask for advice and help.
Keep posting, we are here for you.

@Fraaances yes the kids are his.

Thank you all so much, this is just what I need.
I think I will start with a computer course because my skills are very basic.
I have worked before, in banking and sales. Wanted to steer away from that if possible but I am good with people.
Thank you everyone x

At your age OP, I think it's highly unlikely that anyone will be expecting you to produce certificates from when you were a teenager.

You are DEFINITELY NOT too old to start again! Lots of people do it at your age and older. Many find at retirement that they actually don't even like each other any more which can lead to a parting of the ways. You might have another 30 or 40 years left, why put up with being miserable?

What are your computer skills like? If they're basic, then can I suggest you do some sort of course related to that? Alternatively, what hobbies do you have, if any? If for example you like gardening, then maybe look at a course to do garden design, or something related to that. Do some research on what jobs there are that fit with things you enjoy doing, for example, if you like looking after people, then maybe a job in a Care Home or similar might be of interest, etc. etc.

Everyone is young to someone!

Apologies for the part re-post, I think I must have had two tabs open and accidentally posted again!