To be angry at DH?

[Carla11]

Every Christmas I am solely in charge of buying presents.
Now my DC are older it is so much harder.
They never really know what they want but most of the things they do want are quite expensive. So instead of the pile of presents they got when they were small ( that I could bulk out with colouring books etc) they only get a few gifts and I like to make them special.

I had ordered some trainers for my DD that I know she would love. But I got the wrong size, ordered the next size up and need to return the first pair but do have 60days.

DH going to the post office this morning and DD was in her room getting ready to go out.
He shouts out to me "have you returned the trainers?"

Aware that DD was here I just replied that I have. He then keeps shouting "are you sure?"

I quietly go downstairs and tell him to be quite, that I will do it today and that DD is upstairs.

He then shouts at the top of his voice " Don't be so stupid, she can't hear me! Why do you have to make an issue out of it!!" And slams the door.

DD comes in and asks me what that was all about? I just said nothing and carried on with my jobs.

Im just upset that it's always down to me to get presents and now out of a few gifts she has got she knows what one of them are.

But apparently I'm in the wrong for shutting him down??

So you are in a highly abusive relationship and so are your children witnessing his treatment of you.

Tell family and friends the truth and talk to Women's aid.

You deserve better than such a pig.

I would be royally pissed off OP. Grey rock all the way!

I always said I couldn't leave yet. You are wasting your younger years. I wish I had left years ago.

Yeah I wasted so many years because I thought I couldn’t leave yet. I was so wrong.

DD doesn’t know anything. They could be your trainers or trainers for one of the other DC.

I'm not young anymore 🥺

So is Grey rock just not reacting?

If he starts shouting at you then walk out of the room.
If he starts trying to argue then say okay dear. Dont say yes, no, maybe, perhaps, dont disagree or point out any mistakes in plans or try a conversation. Just "okay" and walk away.

If you sit there trying to keep a poker face he will ramp it up just to see you flinch or argue back. No matter how hard you try not to respond unfortunately your body language will give you away, so walk out the room and do something normal to centre yourself like put washing on, rinse out a cup, go to the loo etc.

It feels awkward and unnatural at first but after a couple of weeks it will become second nature to walk away with zero comments.

Trouble with grey rock in these circumstances is that it's impacting the dc, and being emotionless and not reacting to his shit behaviour teaches her dc not to call out shitty behaviour and just accept it.

Well yes JustWalking I* *do agree but she has said she is unable to leave at the moment so she either argues back like she is doing now (calling it out) or she starts to grey rock until she is able to leave. I'm assuming it's due to lack of finances that are keeping her trapped and that can take months or even years to resolve. I found my parents arguing/shouting a heck of a lot more traumatising than the silences or grey rock and a lot of others have said the same in other threads.

You really do need to start planning though OP because it will never get better than this, only worse.

Is he getting deaf, if he thinks he can't be heard when he shouts?

The thing with the grey rock theory is that I then feel like a doormat. I then hate myself for not standing up to him.

There is a big difference in being a doormat and refusing to engage in destructive behaviour. Being a doormat is accepting his bad behaviour and rolling over without a squeak which can be soul destroying. Refusing to engage gives you some power back. Walking out the room is not being a doormat and trust me, he will try and ramp up his bad behaviour to try and put you back in the doormat box. I can guarantee he won't view them the same.

A decent person (you) can never, ever win the argument with a toxic manipulator (him). Never. So don't engage.

You deserve better.
Plan your escape for the new year.
I lived with a manipulator/ abuser for 8 years longer than I should have.
The culmination of that is a 20 YO DD in counselling and two younger DC on their way to needing counselling as their father continues to be a twat.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're being treated like this OP, and he obviously thinks it's the right way to treat a woman, as he's seen his father treat his mum like this, and she's just put up with it, instead of walking away. By staying, you are teaching your kids, the exact same thing, ie, sons to treat women badly, and daughters to accept it. Like with having a first baby, there's never really a 'right time' to leave OP, you just have to bite the bullet and do it. These days there is help out there, unlike the days when my mum had kids to a wife beater, when there simply wasn't any support whatsoever for a battered wife. So bear in mind, that women over the years have fought hard to get this support in order to save people like yourself from remaining stuck in a bad marriage, so stop wasting the life you have left, and if you're no longer young, all the more reason to get on with it, and make the life you have in front of you, better than the life you have now. At least by standing up for yourself and calling him out on his behaviour, you're part way there, as long as it doesn't result in you getting a beating? Now just take that extra step, tell him to go to hell, and get rid once and for all. You'll be doing yourself and your kids a favour.

So I've been trying the grey rock treatment and his behaviour has been so much worse!
Finished Christmas prep, cleaning and wrapping at 8 . Had a shower and something to eat.
He asked me if I had given next door their Christmas gift. I said no, I'm tired and he shouted "I can't believe you haven't done that."
Had a glass of wine from the numerous bottles we have and he screamed at me because that one particular bottle was for tomorrow!

I remained calm and apologetic throughout but would love to punch him in the ducking face!

@Carla11 I'm just bumping for the knowledgeable crowd. Sending hugs

Grey rock is not being apologetic. Grey rock is responding with simple neutral phrases or neutral one word answers, with a monotone voice, and not acknowledging it if they shout/get upset/angry etc. Do NOT apologise (unless you genuinely need to, even then dont be overly apologetic), as thats a reaction and fuels them.

That said, grey rocking does enrage them considerably more at first - the idea is that you make yourself so utterly boring that eventually they stop trying to get a reaction. Again, do not apologise - that is a reaction and yes, you being a doormat. A simple "Ok" suffices, or one "sorry" if it needs to be said,

Thank you @Agix

A little update on yesterday if anyone is interested?

Husband tried to wind me up lots of times and I used the grey rock method and it worked!
He was quite subtle with his digs as the children were here.
His brother was digging too and I just breezily ignored them!

So proud of myself, thank you for the good advise.

Thanks for the update OP, and well done on going grey rock! Time to start taking back control until you're in a position to LTB! Hoping for a happier New Year for you, and if you need encouragement, or advice, MN seems to be really good at it, so you're not on your own any more.

Always interested Carla so please keep posting. Use this thread as a diary so you can see how far you've travelled.

Keep up with the grey rocking but as you discovered it can make things worse for a while as they try to pull you back into the usual pattern of them doing w/e and you acquiesing. It's a bit like them throwing a tantrum until they get what they want, and just as you treat a toddler tantrum with minimal words, minimal actions, and definitely no apologies, that is how you treat him.

Keep going!

Thank you @Pixiedust1234
i have found it very enpowering x

Not been great over Christmas. Told him I was getting tired of the constant digs he replied that he is tired of my constant drinking.
I have been drinking a bit too much but nowhere near as much as he has.
Just another way to get the digs in.

Feeling a bit under the weather today. Children are out tonight and the thought of sitting with him ignoring me makes me feel very upset.
Ive said that I'm not feeling great and I'm sitting in my room. DD has friends coming round in a while for som drinks before they go out.
So this is a good excuse to avoid them all. I cannot muster any enthusiasm for celebrating.

He sounds bloody awful.

What's making you stay in this situation?