Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask at what point you stop 'raising' your kids?

91 replies

insideoutsider · 21/12/2024 07:46

My daughter recently turned 16 and I've started to ask this. She is in college now.

I've read here how some people move out of home to a flat with friends at 16, some traveling all over the world and of course some having kids at this age.

Thing is my 16 year old feels she can do all this. I still look at her like a child that can't look after herself so we fight about all things ranging from her refusing to wear a coat when going for a trip at 2c temperature to her wanting to go to Uni in Australia! She wants to do some Europe travel now and I can't bear the thought.

She is very bright, really kind and helpful. Very responsible too. All teachers sing her praises so I'm not worried about her behaviour. I'm just worried that she is too young to do anything! I still insist she is home by 7pm during the winter and she thinks this is ridiculous.
I'm bringing it here because I'm starting to think it's me. I grew up in a place where a 16year old is very much a child and must be protected from everything out there. I don't want to stifle her growth.

So what kind of freedoms do you give your 16year olds? How far can they travel? What time must they be home? How can I start to look away???

OP posts:
Orangelight23 · 21/12/2024 07:49

7pm for a 16 year old is pretty ridiculous.

Let her leave her coat and get cold.

Uni in Australia? If she can pay for it (doubtful) then fine.

Travelling around Europe? When she's 18 then again fine.

SapphireOpal · 21/12/2024 07:52

Why are you arguing with a 16yo about whether she's wearing a coat? She's not 6!

If she's not capable of doing these things at 16 it sounds like that's primarily because of your overprotective parenting.

Jingleberryalltheway · 21/12/2024 07:54

Are you the poster who lives in SA?

Cornwallian · 21/12/2024 07:55

Don’t sweat the small stuff. At 16 she can chose when to wear a coat and she needs freedom past 7pm. But that’s a huge step before travelling alone or uni on the other side of the world from her family.

if you give her the day to day freedoms then she might not focus on the huge escape plans.

Cooriedoon · 21/12/2024 07:56

7pm! Bloody hell, my then 8 year old was allowed out later!
I was someone who left home at 16, I had all the same ideas as your daughter. Do you know why I left home? My parents somehow didn't realise I was no longer 9 and my dad was too controlling, they had no idea how to parent a teen or adapt to me becoming an adult.. So off I went.
I now have a 16 year old and the thought of him living independently is ridiculous. But he has plenty freedom, no curfews etc. he's a sensible boy and we have good relationship. Probably because I let him make him own choices/mistakes.
I mean the coat situation is ridiculous. She'll get cold, she'll wear one next time. Natural consequences is my parenting go to.

pizzaHeart · 21/12/2024 07:57

Are you joking about 7 pm?

TheaBrandt · 21/12/2024 07:57

My 16 year old is really independent. If she is daft enough not to have a coat that’s on her. She doesn’t have a curfew as such but would need to be home before I go to bed but we know where she is and who with. She has nice friends who we know.

Sux2buthen · 21/12/2024 07:58

7pm is very concerning tbh

Floranan · 21/12/2024 07:59

At 16 you need to start letting go, do you live in an area that’s it’s a worry her being out late ? 7 is rather early but it does depend on where she’s going and who with etc.

i found as mine got older it’s more advice giving than raising, advice it’s cold she will need a coat but don’t get stressed out over it.

as for Europe and Australia, yes way to young but she will work that out fo herself.

mine are all adults now with children, but I still feel they are my babies but you have to give them wings and let them fly

Meadowfinch · 21/12/2024 07:59

It depends on the child. My DS is 16 and finding his feet but for now I expect to know where he is, and for him to be in by 10. He doesn't object to that.

If he wants to be out later, that's no problem but he's fairly considerate and lets me know when he will be home anyway.

HPandthelastwish · 21/12/2024 08:00

Pick your battles

She needs to learn consequences of her actions so if she doesn't wear a coat she gets cold. If she's out with me I keep spares in the car so we can always go back.

As for travelling around Europe and Uni in Australia, that's a pipe dream unless she's got a job to pay for it.

DD has no interest in wondering the streets but if she goes to a friend's home it's generally back home for 9pm on a weekday and 10 on a weekend if she isn't sleeping over, as that's when I'm happy to play taxi till unless it's a special occasion.

DD doesn't need to ask my permission for where she goes but she does need to message me when she changes location. And, if I'm off on my own I do the same. We have a WhatsApp group that is just our location, it's a good habit for personal safety for all ages.

I don't feel I've 'raised' or actively parented my DD for years. I offer counsel, we talk things through like grown ups, I throw in scenarios and play devil's advocate so she is prepared.

I physically prepared her with skills years ago, she's a rookie life guard - important as we live near the sea and she spends a lot of time there, first aid trained. She could deal with any swimming or first aid issue as well as I can.

SallyWD · 21/12/2024 08:01

The 7pm curfew is absolutely awful OP. Give her some independence. I can't imagine how she feels about this.

Unescorted · 21/12/2024 08:03

It is a gradual process of giving them more freedom. You don't wake up one day and find you are no longer a parent.

I suggest you let the reins go on things like the coat... Yeah she goes out and gets cold a couple of times but hardly a hill worth dying on.

7pm curfew - depends on your area. If it is a place that is known for after sunset criminality and soliciting I probably would be concerned. If it is a normal residential area with good transport I would say it is a little early. Mine had to be back before my bed time so I could sleep.

Going to uni in Aus / travel in Europe. Take an interest and help her plan it so you know that she has considered what is involved.

AhBiscuits · 21/12/2024 08:08

I don't force my 8 year old to wear a coat, she's old enough to understand she will be cold if she doesn't wear a coat.
7pm is absolutely ridiculous. 9pm would be more reasonable.

Meadowfinch · 21/12/2024 08:08

OP, the 7pm curfew is effectively isolating her from her peers, and preventing her from developing a normal social life.

My parents did the same. They were convinced my sisters and I would be pregnant if we were 10 minutes late home from school. They were completely ridiculous. I thought them insane. When I was 18, I walked out, went to university against their wishes, and never went home.

I moved further away after I graduated and never spoke to my f , who was the lead in controlling behaviour, again.

Do you want to lose your dd, because that is what you are risking?

feedmefudge · 21/12/2024 08:11

7pm is mental 😳

Livinginadream · 21/12/2024 08:11

I still insist she is home by 7pm during the winter and she thinks this is ridiculous.

You're setting her up to rebel with that rule.

Gordonramsayatemyhomework · 21/12/2024 08:12

At 16 I expected them to do the following

Choose their college
Buy their own clothes, hair and body care products from an allowance
Do their own household chores (washing, ironing, washing up, cooking basic meals)

In return i turned a blind eye to

Late nights (providing they told me what time they were coming home and stuck to it)
Alcohol and smoking - I told them I wasn't impressed if they made these choices but they were theirs to make
Consensual sex with long term partners but this came with "a talk"

These are young people who are being prepared for independence, cut the apron strings.

somanymiles · 21/12/2024 08:17

At some point you need to start helping her assess risks for herself. So perhaps instead of telling her to wear a coat, for example, you could talk through with her what the potential outcome is and the chances of that happening. She might not make the same choices as you, but in a few short years she will have to make these choices on her own, so teaching her a way of doing so instead of imposing your own choices on her might be a way to go. You won't be able to watch over her forever!

TheaBrandt · 21/12/2024 08:20

Agree Gordon sounds sensible do the same. At 18 they are adults you need to gradually step back so they do more for themselves. I don’t want them leaving home at 18 and being a helpless Bambi in the headlights.

My friend said her Dd said she was glad she did her early partying while living at home with parents there. At her uni there are some from cloistered backgrounds going absolutely mental who are quite unsafe as they’ve never had any freedom. She had that stage at 16.

cheezncrackers · 21/12/2024 08:20

The 7pm curfew is ridiculous for a 16-year-old. She could, as you say, get a job and be completely independent of you at this age.

I have a DC a similar age (he just turned 17) and his curfew at age 16 was 11pm on weekends/during the holidays. If he was at the gym on a school night he needed to be in by 10pm. Now he's 17 we allow him out until later, but he always has to have a plan for how he's getting home and we do, on occasion, go and get him. We let him use Ubers on his own, but he's a boy. If I had a girl I probably wouldn't allow that.

RitaConnors · 21/12/2024 08:21

No wonder she wants to move to Australia if you have a 7pm curfew and are arguing about coats. You should have started letting her make decisions about coats when she was about six so that she learned to be responsible for herself.

I expect my dd (17) to tell me when she's going to be home. To not make me worried about her by texting if it's dark and she's going to be late, she doesn't ask if she can go here or there. She tells us like we would tell her.

She had decided where she would like to go to university. We have talked about money so she knows there is a restriction there but other than that where she goes or not goes is up to her. She is looking at university overseas to but it genuinely hasn't crossed my mind to try to restrict her. I want her to be happy and do what she wants to do and have a wonderful life because I love her.

MarchInHappiness · 21/12/2024 08:23

In 6th form I started to let go of the apron strings and let DD manage her own life with practical, financial and emotional support from me, and some basic household rules (e.g clean room, curfew etc). She's 25 now and still needs me!

Member984815 · 21/12/2024 08:23

The biggest joy in parenting is watching them gain more independence and confidence. If she doesn't learn lessons on her own she's not really going to appreciate them. Let her out in the cold without her coat she'll soon cop on. I think you can't micromanage a 16 year old

Upstartled · 21/12/2024 08:25

Is this real, 7pm? Come on now. That's not raising your child that's just grinding them down for sport.