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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask at what point you stop 'raising' your kids?

91 replies

insideoutsider · 21/12/2024 07:46

My daughter recently turned 16 and I've started to ask this. She is in college now.

I've read here how some people move out of home to a flat with friends at 16, some traveling all over the world and of course some having kids at this age.

Thing is my 16 year old feels she can do all this. I still look at her like a child that can't look after herself so we fight about all things ranging from her refusing to wear a coat when going for a trip at 2c temperature to her wanting to go to Uni in Australia! She wants to do some Europe travel now and I can't bear the thought.

She is very bright, really kind and helpful. Very responsible too. All teachers sing her praises so I'm not worried about her behaviour. I'm just worried that she is too young to do anything! I still insist she is home by 7pm during the winter and she thinks this is ridiculous.
I'm bringing it here because I'm starting to think it's me. I grew up in a place where a 16year old is very much a child and must be protected from everything out there. I don't want to stifle her growth.

So what kind of freedoms do you give your 16year olds? How far can they travel? What time must they be home? How can I start to look away???

OP posts:
Undisclosedlocation · 21/12/2024 09:16

To give the perspective of a person around her age, I remember vividly a conversation with my son when in his first year of uni. He was really worried about his cousin who was due to also start uni the following year but who had been over sheltered and not allowed to grow up
He said many of those at his uni who hadn’t been given gradual freedoms earlier on had none of the skills needed to function at uni and went completely off the rails with their new found freedom. He was genuinely concerned his cousin would be in real trouble when finally unleashed based on what he saw

Jumell · 21/12/2024 09:17

Cornwallian · 21/12/2024 07:55

Don’t sweat the small stuff. At 16 she can chose when to wear a coat and she needs freedom past 7pm. But that’s a huge step before travelling alone or uni on the other side of the world from her family.

if you give her the day to day freedoms then she might not focus on the huge escape plans.

Edited

From my experience 100 percent this

MissyB1 · 21/12/2024 09:19

Some posters are suggesting OP is in South Africa, if so that is a totally different scenario to UK.

CoralOP · 21/12/2024 09:37

Is that right OP? Are you talking about a 16 year old in South Africa or a 16 year old in the UK?

BrunchBarBandit · 21/12/2024 09:40

My 16 year old son is in college too. He has a full social life, manages his workload, clothing (inc laundry), most of his travel (some lifts from me - party pick up is midnight). He’s been to London for a weekend and for a week with his best friend (stayed at family/friends but was independent of them), and is planning a few days b&b in the Lakes in Feb. He recently went to a gig in another city with friends although my DH picked him up from that.

We’ve never set a weeknight curfew but he’s always home by 10, and he’s good at keeping us updated about his whereabouts and I’d never track him.

I think he’s doing a wonderful job of becoming independent. We’ve always told him that the more responsible he shows us that he can be, the more freedom and independence he is granted.

The next challenge is waking up with his alarm though! For all the perfection outlined above DH or I still have to make sure he gets up in the morning in time for the bus to college.

Catza · 21/12/2024 09:47

To be perfectly honest, you already stopped raising your daughter. The job of a parent is to prepare their children for adulthood. You are not doing that. You prioritise your o n feelings and anxieties over giving your daughter opportunity to develop and use skills and you isolate her from her peers with ridiculous 7pm rule. If she is anything like me, she will leave home and move as far as possible and will only speak to you once a year. If she is anything like my cousin, she will still be sitting at home, unemployed and afraid of the world at the age of 35. Is that what you really want?

merlotmerlin · 21/12/2024 09:48

In many ways one never stops. Interventions give way to counselling and advice. There is a tapering off but parental instinct remains even if at opposite sides of the earth.
Eventually the roles get reversed and they watch out for us. If we are lucky.

Original poster
insideoutsider · 21/12/2024 09:53

I've been absolutely ridiculous, haven't I!
I'm usually very level headed, I promise.
Some clarifications:

  • I'm not the SA person. I'm not British though.
  • No special needs here
  • We live in a safe part of the UK, no serious crimes as such
  • Her father works in Australia and is paying for Uni. She goes there on holidays
  • she has lots of friends. They end up coming to ours for sleepovers (refusing to leave sometimes 😂)
  • We are very close, she tells me everything - more than I need to know

I'm learning that 7pm is not late to be out over here!

OP posts:
CoralOP · 21/12/2024 09:58

If she is going to get a job/workplacement/ apprenticeship etc soon then she will need to make many many decisions without your help.

If she hasn't been able to decide if she can wear a coat or not how do you expect her to make actual important decisions?

She should have been making decisions like that years ago and moved on to more important decisions over time.

There's nothing worse than a hiring a young person and they stand there waiting to be told what to do at every hurdle, they are pretty useless in the workplace.

Sorry if it sounds harsh but you need a fast track way of getting your daughter to a more appropriate level of independence.

Gem359 · 21/12/2024 10:02

Undisclosedlocation · 21/12/2024 09:16

To give the perspective of a person around her age, I remember vividly a conversation with my son when in his first year of uni. He was really worried about his cousin who was due to also start uni the following year but who had been over sheltered and not allowed to grow up
He said many of those at his uni who hadn’t been given gradual freedoms earlier on had none of the skills needed to function at uni and went completely off the rails with their new found freedom. He was genuinely concerned his cousin would be in real trouble when finally unleashed based on what he saw

This is just nonsense. I had a lot of freedom from 16 onwards - we all went crazy drinking and clubbing at that age and were still crazy all through uni. DS was very isolated at secondary school and never went out. He's now doing a degree apprenticeship, working hard, earning, living away from home and paying for it. Doesn't drink.

It comes almost entirely down to the personality of the child and people they hang around with, parents are seriously kidding themselves if they think they have some massive influence over their teens.

CoralOP · 21/12/2024 10:03

insideoutsider · 21/12/2024 09:53

I've been absolutely ridiculous, haven't I!
I'm usually very level headed, I promise.
Some clarifications:

  • I'm not the SA person. I'm not British though.
  • No special needs here
  • We live in a safe part of the UK, no serious crimes as such
  • Her father works in Australia and is paying for Uni. She goes there on holidays
  • she has lots of friends. They end up coming to ours for sleepovers (refusing to leave sometimes 😂)
  • We are very close, she tells me everything - more than I need to know

I'm learning that 7pm is not late to be out over here!

She can absolutely go yo uni in Australia then, that will be amazing for her and her dad but unfortunately not nice for you.

I'm really starting to dread my son growing up and moving out, it's because I am so close to him and it sounds like you are the same.
Unfortunately it's what's happens and we can't drag them back to childhood.

Maybe start looking forward to the good that comes with this new chapter, more Time for yourself and an adult relationship with your daughter. X

rebelrun · 21/12/2024 10:03

You are inadvertently pushing her away by holding on too tight. She is dreaming of freedom and autonomy and that is why she wants to fly far away and soon.
Try some baby steps of letting her be and, making her own choices. She needs to be able
to learn from her own choices. This will help her when she does fly the nest and you will feel less worried about her ability to cope.
It is not too much to expect her to let you know where she is and offer to collect her/pay for taxi.

rightoguvnor · 21/12/2024 10:07

7pm and the coat thing ridiculous.
University and the travelling thing - these are likely to take place when she has turned 18 and there won't be damn thing you can do about it.
Actually, the biggest "control" tool you have here is to encourage the uni and travelling plans by advocating hard study which requires lots of time in her own bedroom alone, a healthy environment, healthy lifestyle, lots of self care, perhaps a little part time job then she'll have excellent results to attend any university she wants and the money for some travels.
But it's hard to make the transition between telling them what to do and steering them with a smile.

pimplebum · 21/12/2024 10:11

I never argued with my toddlers about coats ( just took it with us and sometimes they put it on ). No harm comes by being cold !

don’t argue over dumb stuff like this
when she talks about the other stuff just be super positive and encouraging chance of her doing it is vvv slim

BlackBean2023 · 21/12/2024 10:19

My DD is 17 and she just tells me where she's going and what time she'll be back - it's usually before 10.30 on a school night and 12 on a weekend/holiday. She works so has her own money and will be at uni in a year or so, for me it's important she has a taste of freedom now so it's not a novelty factor when she's away from home. It's about learning self regulation (often through mistakes/feeling crappy the next day/missing out on something etc)

Original poster
insideoutsider · 21/12/2024 10:21

So...
With this 'no curfew' idea, what do your kids eat for dinner? Mine doesn't usually have breakfast, so it's eat out during the day and at night? How do you go about mealtimes?

I'm really asking so I can make it work in my head. We usually have dinner together (I don't mind not doing this, just thinking about her)

OP posts:
boulevardofbrokendreamss · 21/12/2024 10:26

Apologies you're not the SA poster but you need to let go. She needs to tell you if she'll be in or out for dinner, that's just polite. Being in by 7 is ridiculous.

livingafulllife · 21/12/2024 10:29

At 16 my son done his own thing what cant he do before x oclock that he can do before.
I always said no matter what time it is i will come get you if you need me.
Hes an adult now.

Einaldilastcup · 21/12/2024 10:30

I had a flat at 16 with a baby.

TheSeagullsSquawk · 21/12/2024 10:36

On dinner - we ask if she is going to be home. Often she says make me some and I'll heat it when I get in. Sometimes she makes her own. In practice she'll eat dinner with us about four/five out of seven days.

Again - talk to her about it and ask what her suggestion is. If you eat together every night now I suspect she'll want to keep that several nights a week.

anrom1969 · 21/12/2024 10:40

How refreshing to see you (OP) listening to advice and taking on board others opinions, good luck, I think you and your girl will be just fine as you learn together how to change the dynamics of your relationship.

CoralOP · 21/12/2024 10:42

anrom1969 · 21/12/2024 10:40

How refreshing to see you (OP) listening to advice and taking on board others opinions, good luck, I think you and your girl will be just fine as you learn together how to change the dynamics of your relationship.

I thought exactly the same, well done OP. Usually people are instantly defensive, it's great to see x

ChristmasKelpie · 21/12/2024 10:44

She is not a baby. No wonder she wants to get as far away as possible by going to uni in Australia. The poor lass is being smothered.

user2848502016 · 21/12/2024 10:49

It is you sorry, you need to work on your anxiety around this or you will lose your DD.
7pm is ridiculous for a 16 year old, yes she needs a coat at 2c but at some point they need to learn the hard way - I would still force my 13 year old to take a coat but at 16 I don't know.
She's a bit young for Europe/Australia travel alone right now I would say but she could start planning a trip for when she's a bit older (probably 17/18), and if she wants to go to Australia for uni you could start helping her research how that might work

Meadowfinch · 21/12/2024 11:04

In terms of food, I make sure there is quick food for DS if he wants to go out. Baked beans on toast, Cornish pasty and frozen peas/sweetcorn, ham, egg and oven chips. He usually makes himself a cheese sandwich when he gets in, too.

Let her decide what she wants to eat and when. Freedoms, remember !! Just make sure there is something she can heat up quickly and let her get on with it.

She will probably still be eating with you three or four suppers out of seven.

And btw, she certainly won't be telling you everything, nor should she. At 16 she is entitled to some privacy. So don't expect that. Just let her tell you what she wants to, and don't push.