Online dating red flag?

[Soniastrumpet1984]

OK. I may well just be very jaded and picky buy what do you think of this

Chatting for couple of days. All normal. But he's very keen on me sending photos. Now there's photos on my profile, I've shared one so far - very normal type (he was in the crowd at a rugby match I was in a warm coffee shop)
But since then, any chat will be 'send me a pic' for eg last night he said he was having a night in with his daughter, I said oh oovely enjoy it, it's my work party , and straight away he said "any pics of you dressed up?"
Is this a bad sign, or am I just middle aged and have rage at all men? Totally OK with being told I need to chill out a bit as I do feel that Internet dating has confused my boundaries

That sounds thrilling. Why do you think he enjoys taking so many pictures of himself?

I hate this, I had a few dates with a guy who sent me random photos, him in his work van, his kid asleep (wtf), and wanted to take selflies together, binned him off for this along with his "how are you" text every few hours!

You haven't met in person, you're presumably still at the stage of deciding if it's worth the bother to do so. That makes it a bit presumptuous of him to be asking for extra photos - though I suppose he might be wanting to see a current photo to protect himself against catfishing.

But then, you've already sent an extra photo.

I don't think wanting to know how somebody looks when online dating is unreasonable. If there is no physical attraction it is unlikely to be a succesful date.

This is where 99% of online dating fails in my humble opinion because attraction is very rarely instant.
Back in the normal olden days you might meet somebody chat for them a little while over a two month or three month period get to know them when you start to find things attractive about them.

Getting struck by a lightning thunderbolt of love it’s very rare if it exists at all

But generally if you were chatting with a view to it going further you had that initial thought of he or she is attractive. As an example I have seen so many facebook pictures where the camera angle is flattering and shows a much slimmer person than they are.

Why would either of you want to mess around if a larger man or woman is something you don't find attractive.

my gut reaction is that he’s checking he’s not being cat fished by getting you to send images of you in that moment that you don’t have time to photoshop etc

It would irritate me to be honest. He's preoccupied with how you look.

Generally though, in "the olden days" you got to know each other mostly in person, so you had the chat and you had the visual, and you came to the conclusion re: whether this was someone you were attracted to based on both of those things (and tbh, if it wasn't someone you knew in another context, you did usually pretty much decide by the 2nd or 3rd meeting).

You didn't spend ages messaging back and forwards before you met each other in the flesh. Of course there were pen pal and then online "relationships", but they rarely actually survived contact because ultimately physical attraction is important (as is mental connection, and incompatible pretty people start to look not so attractive fairly quickly when they turn out to not be your type).

YANBU to not like it and ditch him, but just do it. I'm slightly mind boggled by the 18 months of ...something... with a "dishy dentist", but you are presumably making connections with actual people in the meantime.

@smallchange

It was the endless messaging before people would meet that made me give up on online dating. If they are actually looking to meet somebody lets meet for a coffee within a week or two. That way you get to know if there is an attraction. The ones that won't I always felt were waiting on something better coming alog.

He knows what she looks like though, she said in the original post. It’s when men keep asking for more and more pics it’s off putting, (to a lot of women going by this thread) . There’s also no point going on a date with someone you like the look of after seeing 20 pics then five minutes into the conversation realising you aren’t on the same wavelength about anything.

@smallchange that is precisely my point. I think it’s a bit of a needle in a haystack thing trying to find somebody that you even find attractive in real life from online photographs and if by some miracle you hit the jackpot you do to then have nothing in common with them to form an actual relationship the odds have got to To Be lottery winning type numbers.
Complete madness

I agree, also some people have something in the flesh that the camera can’t capture, or vice versa they photograph very well but don’t look as good in real life.

I met my husband on plenty of fish. He’s a walking green flag.
when we were first talking he’d ask for pictures all the time, but he’d also send me them. It was his way of feeling more connected in our day to day before we were part of eachothers day to day.
this continued after our first date and we still do it now 12 years later (it’s never been rude pics)
some people just communicate that way, which you obviously don’t, so even though it’s not a red flag it is a sign you might not be matched anyway.

This is the time when everyone should be on their best behaviour.

Unless your profile is seeking a casual relationship based on physical intimacy and nothing more, then yeah this is a bad sign.

He should be trying to get to know you and I perceive his behaviour as simply trying to rush things to be physical. He sounds like he’s just after a shag.

Yeah I don’t think it’s an issue in itself. It’s not like you’ve said I’m just having a shower and he said send pics! But if it annoys you then either say “I’m not really a send pics kind of woman” or walk away as it is a small incompatibility that might end up being a big one.

FWIW my DP would never have asked me to send him pics but now we’re together he often sends one of him when receiving a parcel I’ve sent him, with a little heart, when showing me a new shirt he’s bought, when he’s on a day out with his son. It’s a lovely way to feel connected when we’re apart. But I wouldn’t want it from a stranger.

Personally I hate that sort of thing. I’ve chatted to men who send me several photos of their very average day and I really don’t care about them having coffee or in the work can. It’s dull and tedious

I’ve had the ‘send me a selfie at work’ requests - no I’m not taking selfies at my desk it’s ridiculous.

Yeah I don’t know if I’d be able to put my finger on it, but this would really irritate me too and probably make me stop messaging someone. It feels invasive and to be honest, I don’t want to constantly have to stop and take a photo of myself! Especially in these early days you want to get each photo and make sure you’re looking good, so it becomes a chore. I just couldn’t be bothered!

I’d be totally cool with this. I’m a very visual person and really like receiving day to day pics, I also prefer it to lots of wordy messages.
You may just not be compatible communicators, which is also totally fine.
If he was to ask for something inappropriate, that would obviously be a completely different conversation xx

Just for the record, I haven't read all the thread, but here's what I think: first off, men are visual, so it could be just that. Or maybe he's trying to get you to send him more revealing pics, as lots of men do when dating online, but doesn't want to be too straightforward. I'd ask why he's so keen on pictures, I guess that's the easiest way to find out.

People, understandably, use the best photos of themselves on their profile. However some will be out of date and do not reflect current looks. I don't see anything wrong with asking for additional photos personally.

I think the fact that you have signalled that you're not keen on sending pics and he still keeps pushing is really off putting.
Also he hasn't sent one himself so there's that.

I can’t articulate why very well, but it gives me the ick the kind of guys who tell you to “dress up” or want pics of you “all dressed up”.

Just makes me feel like they’re too focused on looks and the superficial attraction

I always thought men were quite visual, and they want to see things rather than have them described. This might be a big generalisation. But no doubt he is leading up to requesting nudes/sex pics. If you're not comfortable with that then I'd say it is a red flag. I'm not sure whether it would bother me that much actually, but I haven't dated for twenty years so don't really know the 'modern' protocol.

To be clear, it was the "I'm out on a works do tomorrow" and then the "I want to see a pic of you all dressed up"
Why? We are strangers on the Internet. I'd be fine if we'd been on a date at this point. Also, I'd done an on demand one to prove I wasn't filtering/using old pics
Anyway, he has now ghosted me before meeting so likely another married twat wanting a bit of secret chatting on his phone