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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Distant unthinking daughter

42 replies

Daffodill1 · 19/12/2024 21:46

Our 24yr old daughter is studying abroad but has 5 weeks back in the UK for a Christmas break - we live 5 hours from London - she is spending 3 days with us, her parents and the rest of the time with friends in London (including Christmas day). AIBU to feel a bit hurt? We haven't seen her for a long time and probably won't see her again until next September - we are frequently sending her money to top up her funds and she has just announced she is off on holiday for 2 weeks on 5th Jan. Or is this normal flying the nest?

OP posts:
Candlesandmatches · 19/12/2024 21:49

Asking gently what is there for her where you live? Friends? If not then kindly its somewhat understandable. More time together would be lovely but maybe there isn’t much for her to do where you are?
Could you go to London stay a night or two. Have dinner, see some sights together?

louisianachild · 19/12/2024 21:49

That’s not normal. I wouldn’t be giving her as much financial aid, if I were you. She can get a job.

DaisyCottonClock · 19/12/2024 21:53

The fact you're bringing up giving her money in the same post as wondering why she's not seeing you for long enough is interesting. What has one got to do with the other? How is your relationship with her in general? Do you think she has a reason to want to limit time with you, her parents?

TwinklyAmberOrca · 19/12/2024 21:54

So stop sending her money! She's 24 so should be funding her money needs by working.

5 weeks off and only spends 3 days with you is rude.

SummerFeverVenice · 19/12/2024 21:56

lurking with interest as I left home at 17 and never went back ever again so no idea what is normal. My 23yo is visiting for 4 days over Christmas. Also studying abroad but it’s exams today, tomorrow, and Monday and then thesis stuff and PhD applications over Christmas/New Years week. Back into classes on 6 Jan.

Are you sure your DD is getting a 5 week break?!

Pinkmoonshine · 19/12/2024 21:56

I think that’s quite rude too, but at that age my siblings and friends were a big drawer and my parents kindly provided a cosy house. I’m not sure I would have found being alone with them fun for long. At 24 I was totally funding myself though.

AllYearsAround · 19/12/2024 21:58

Most of the time on Mumsnet people moan if relatives want to stay more than 3 nights!

Pinkissmart · 19/12/2024 21:59

Why is she studying abroad? Is it Masters/ PhD training? Or is she a Dr doing a tour abroad? Or did she start her undergrad as a mature student? Just trying to get context.

I wonder if she is lonely abroad and really missing her friends?

Namechangenancy99 · 19/12/2024 22:03

It’s completely normal. I’d be hurt about Christmas Day, but also recognise that she doesn’t have to spend it with you. She’s an adult and it’s a transition point in your relationship.

As other posters have said - the sending her money comment reads odd and sort of like because you send her money she owes you and should spend time with you for the period of time you want. The money and her doing what you want should be unrelated. Agree at 24 you possibly should cut the strings but if you still want to send it, unless you are wanting to channel Emily Gilmore vibes it shouldn’t come with strings attached.

snowdropsy · 19/12/2024 22:04

Candlesandmatches · 19/12/2024 21:49

Asking gently what is there for her where you live? Friends? If not then kindly its somewhat understandable. More time together would be lovely but maybe there isn’t much for her to do where you are?
Could you go to London stay a night or two. Have dinner, see some sights together?

I imagine the OP thinks that spending time with her family should be the attraction. There is nothing ‘to do’ where my patents live, but I go there for 10 days every Christmas and summer.

OP, young adults are still finding their feet and while some stay home birds (like me) others crave independence, novelty, excitement (my sister was like that).

You may feel taken for granted, but it’s a compliment in a way that your daughter feels so secure in your relationship. Taking advantage of you is a different story though- is that what you’re hinting at with the mention of money?

Catza · 19/12/2024 22:17

I don't understand why sending her money is relevant. You either want to see her or you expect to see her because you pay.
I moved abroad at 21 and I go and see family for two weeks every year. I spend my time with friends whom I also haven't seen for a year. I maybe see my mum for 2-3 days of that fortnight, my granny for a little longer. I work all year and I also need to rest and do my own thing.
Your daughter studies and she deserves a holiday. Visiting family is NOT a holiday.

TheNewElite · 19/12/2024 22:21

louisianachild · 19/12/2024 21:49

That’s not normal. I wouldn’t be giving her as much financial aid, if I were you. She can get a job.

Yeah exactly. All the posters saying she’s an adult she can do as she pleases. Well adults have jobs to fund their holidays right?

I think it’s really disrespectful and I would be very hurt if my DD behaved like this.

Allihavetodoisdream · 19/12/2024 22:24

How is your relationship otherwise? Impossible to answer without knowing more detail.

Likewhatever · 19/12/2024 22:28

I think this is normal for her age. She’s making her own life and enjoying her independence. Keep the lines of communication open and she’ll come back when she’s ready. How lovely that she’s enjoying life and able to have fun.

Tittibits · 19/12/2024 22:31

Do you ever go and visit her?

Lavender14 · 19/12/2024 22:33

I agree that it's nice to have the time but if she's not got friends etc near you any more then I wouldn't expect her to be there for a long time. I would be upset if she's not spending Christmas day with you though- if I'm reading that right? Is there a reason why she isn't? Is she trying to keep friends with nowhere to go company and could you offer them to come to you?

I think the suggestion the pp made about going to London and meeting up with her there would be a nice idea if you can.

I think it's unfair that others are saying you should stop paying for her. If you want to help her through her course then I would continue to do so and I wouldn't be creating the dynamic that you need to pay to see her. It can be a lot to juggle studies and a job especially for certain competitive courses.

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 22:34

She exploring the world and doing the things that excite her. Don’t think you can buy her presence- either you want to give her money to enjoy her life or you don’t, but thinking it buys you her attention is horribly transactional.

Wonderi · 19/12/2024 22:34

YANBU to feel hurt/want to see her more.

But YABU to think that she owes you something.

I assume you give her money because you want to and not as a payment for her to spend a certain amount of time with you.

Of course you miss her and want to see her more but you don’t own her and she’s only young once.
Be proud that she’s making the most of her life and not wasting it by being stuck at her parents.

Nc546888 · 19/12/2024 22:35

I think 4-5 days out of the 5 weeks would be fine if it included Christmas Day. That’s the stinger. The rest of it I don’t think is a big deal

Cynic17 · 19/12/2024 22:37

Completely normal re where she chooses to spend her time.
A little odd that parents are still funding a 24 year old, so maybe that needs to change?

Pensionswew · 19/12/2024 22:38

TheNewElite · 19/12/2024 22:21

Yeah exactly. All the posters saying she’s an adult she can do as she pleases. Well adults have jobs to fund their holidays right?

I think it’s really disrespectful and I would be very hurt if my DD behaved like this.

Show quote history

Absolutely this.
3 days in 5 weeks.
Clearly not that important to see you.
You cannot force the issue but I would be rethinking the financial support for someone who has so much money for socialising and holidays.
Time she grew up.
You are not doing her any favours at 24 to be doing this.
I have children that age at university and they have jobs to support themselves despite us being well off.

Stompythedinosaur · 19/12/2024 22:40

Pretty normal at 24 I would say.

I think if the money was given with strings attached you should have been clear at the outset.

How's your relationship? 3 days is a manageable visit if things are a bit tense between you.

Crackbacking · 19/12/2024 22:45

Sorry it’s not normal at all.

I have a dysfunctional relationship with my family but because I kept up the charade in my 20s, before going low and no contact, I spent every Christmas with them.

I would happily have spent it with my friends if I could’ve though but again - I don’t have a healthy relationship with my parents!

I don’t know any 24 year old who would have spent Christmas Day with their mates over their parents in those circumstances you describe OP, unless they don’t get along with their family. I mean surely she could spend at least a week with you and include Christmas Day! That still leaves heaps of time to be with her friends.

I’m not necessarily saying she is wrong to not spend Christmas Day with you, I wish I’d had the guts to do my own thing at that age - but I do think it would suggest you probably don’t have a good relationship with her.

Crowfinch · 19/12/2024 22:50

Apart from the financial thing, I've always been a bit like this: out of sight, out of mind. But that's not quite right either. I think about people all the time, but I can go ages without seeing or contacting family because...I just don't need to. Thinking about them is enough.

I love having a social life and am lively and funny. Have absolutely no issues with my family. Just don't really... miss people if i don't see them. Have a kind of idle "Oh, haven't seen x in a while", but the thought drifts off into something else. I'm already readying myself for one the dc to do similarwhen they grow up.

Crowfinch · 19/12/2024 22:51

I would have totally spent Xmas day with my mates at 24, had they been up for it! I know I escaped to the pub as soon as I could. 25 was spent with my then bf.