Distant unthinking daughter

[Daffodill1]

Our 24yr old daughter is studying abroad but has 5 weeks back in the UK for a Christmas break - we live 5 hours from London - she is spending 3 days with us, her parents and the rest of the time with friends in London (including Christmas day). AIBU to feel a bit hurt? We haven't seen her for a long time and probably won't see her again until next September - we are frequently sending her money to top up her funds and she has just announced she is off on holiday for 2 weeks on 5th Jan. Or is this normal flying the nest?

To try an answer some points - DD is doing her masters and where she's living is very expensive (she is on a scholarship) - she does have a job, and yes I guess I am hurt that it is our first ever Christmas day without her and for such a short time. I had suggested going up to stay in London for a couple of days to see her there but sadly we can't do that now because a long awaited hospital appointment has come through. But as some pp have said we do have a tricky relationship - I don't at all mean to buy "control" but I am a bit miffed that she complains about not being able to pay her bills but has managed to book an exciting sounding holiday to South America! I think we will rein in the financial support unless she is in dire straits.
Thank you for all your thoughts - it has really helped me get some perspective - there isn't really much for DD to do where we live or friends to see - her life has been London based until recently. So I guess we will try and make the most of the time we do have. I appreciate everyone's views - thank you.

Did you know this is a very common experience for people with ADHD? Not to be that person but it’s classic sign for a lot of people.

Gosh is it really? I have this. I thought it was more autistic-y. I never know how much I'm supposed to put effort into friendships and feel very claustrophobic when there are expectations on me. On the other hand when there are normal things that happen every year (like my five uni friends and I having a lunch) I just treat that as normal.

I would be hurt too. If the three days included Christmas Day I would probably feel better about it but she has made it clear where you currently sit on her list of priorities (duty visit) so I would be creating some distance too in the hope that things may improve in the future as it often does as young people mature.

i know people are saying the financial support is a separate issue but I don’t agree. As you say she can afford an expensive holiday but is happy for you to subsidise her day to day living so I think from here you need to take the view that if she wants maximum independence she accepts what goes with that which includes not expecting financial help from her parents.

Hm, that’s interesting. I am rather like this too! Also get guilt about keeping in touch (because I often don’t want to do the calls etc) but that may stem from other issues.

But as some pp have said we do have a tricky relationship - I don't at all mean to buy "control" but I am a bit miffed that she complains about not being able to pay her bills but has managed to book an exciting sounding holiday to South America! I think we will rein in the financial support unless she is in dire straits.
Thank you for all your thoughts - it has really helped me get some perspective - there isn't really much for DD to do where we live or friends to see - her life has been London based until recently.

She might be struggling with budgeting- I always have done. But it sounds as if advice from you may not land well, so yes perhaps just reduce the free support unless she needs it- but tell her nicely that you are, it could easily come across as you pulling the money back in a vengeful way.

Otherwise I would say this is not so unusual. It will probably feel more grownup to spend Christmas with friends in London, and then relax back at your house for a bit. Also maybe if things are tricky it’s wise to avoid Christmas Day as it’s often a bit fraught (or is that just my family!?) whereas there is less pressure on other days over the holiday.

Her choice if she were an independent adult, but she isn’t because you give her money. On that basis it’s pretty ungrateful.

Why are you giving her financial aid if she can afford to go on holiday! I couldn’t afford holidays until I was older and totally independent, my parents had a lot of money and were generous but they certainly didn’t give me enough to go on holiday!

She’s 24, at that age most people aren’t really interested in spending that much time with their families. They want to see their friends and go have fun. If she wasn’t living abroad and just didn’t live near you then you’d probably only see her for that amount of time or less over Christmas. I moved 80 miles from my parents at a similar age and only see them every 4-6 weeks. We message regularly and FaceTime occasionally so keep in touch but lives are too busy to see them all the time. But they understand as they moved away from their families too.

Well it's her decision. She is a grown adult so can do what she wants. But you can't use the fact that you help her out with money to control what she does (my dad used to do that and it was awful).

Just stop helping her financially and then you won't feel like she's obliged to visit you...

You live 5 hours away. So is she spending 2 days travelling and 3 clear days with you? And if on a train are there engineering works etc that would impact her travel for Xmas day?

My DPs live 5 hours away. If I tried to actually spend Xmas day here I'd be away for over a week, because of engineering works, travel time etc. so I do a shorter visit before Xmas instead.

It does seem a short visit to you given you only see her every few months but she is young and wants to see friends, and you are a long distance from London.

Oh,I have lots of signs!

Wouldn’t bother me maybe my DH more.

I worked for years over Xmas and New Year.

If my DC was happy and thriving and independent I would be happy.

If I had agreed to help fund their studies and to top them up the only condition would be that they are studying and passing not how much time they spend with me.

Whilst she has 5 weeks off, she is away for 2 of them with, presumably, just one or two other people so that is only three weeks to spread across friends and family and no doubt there is some travel time thrown in.
I spent a lot of time overseas in my 20s. I took my parents for granted. I knew that they would always have a bed for me and welcome me with open arms. My friends back in London, though, were constantly evolving (as people do in their 20s) and I was always a bit nervous that I would get back and find that there was no longer a place for me in the friendship group. Maybe some new people have joined the group.
Maybe a couple of them have got together. Maybe someone else has left. All of these things can affect the dynamics. Maybe she's got her eye on someone and is hoping it will develop into something more over this period. Maybe one of her friends is having a rubbish time and she wants to support her.
Also, 24 is grown up. Where is her home? Still with you or has she moved out. Have you ever discussed your expectation with her that she will come home for Christmas? And what exactly is your expectation - that she was always spend Christmas with you and your family, perhaps until she gets a partner and then alternates with the partner's family. Does she feel the same? What about other siblings? Do you have the same expectations of them and do their expectations match yours?

She's an adult now.

I was married by 24 and only spent Xmas with my parents once every 3 years. One year with them, one year with in-laws and one year with friends, guess which one was actually fun and enjoyable.......

Your daughter has pushed you way down the pecking order, maybe it's time to finally cut the apron strings and let her join adult life. This means friends, fun and absolutely no hand outs from your parents! Stop giving her money willy nilly and start saving it for helping with her wedding/house deposit in the future.

No trains run on Xmas or Boxing Day. I can see why these days are being spent in London.

It doesn’t really explain it because most people I know would spend Christmas with their parents then head to London/their friends on or after the 27th in time for the new year which is more usual to spend with friends than Christmas. She has allocated 3 days out of 5 weeks to spend with her parents.

Not saying it’s necessarily right or wrong but it definitely tells you something. She’s chosen to stay with her friends for Christmas because she wants to. Not due to public transport.

OPs update even confirms they have a tricky relationship.