I just feel so shit about myself - all the bloody time - it's SO frustrating

[agha]

How can I just sort myself out ? I've had PLENTY of therapy in the past, but I just can't get it together.

I'm really struggling at the moment. It's particularly pronounced because I've not long started a new job.

I obsess about every interaction with colleagues and what they must think of me. Whether they already regret hiring me and whether I'm just so shit at my job it's showing. I'm really working hard but as I'm new, I don't know everything yet and I'm just feeling this enormous pressure. Then I worry that I'm asking too many questions. I just feel like a mess. I imagine everyone can see this.

Then it comes to my kids and I just think I'm doing such a bad job. Well, at least I imagine other people are doing a better job- being more engaging/ fun mums. I try to be fun but sometimes I just lounge around on my phone while they watch TV or play. They're 5 and almost 3. I imagine all mums constantly tuned into their kids. My 5 year old gets really excited when other people come over or when someone else picks her up. So I always think it's because she doesn't have fun with me. Although I do try.

I just really struggle to believe in myself. It's like a piece of me is just missing.

What can I do except go to therapy again ? I've really just had it. They offer career coaching at work, I'm definitely going to do it. I just want to stop feeling so bad about myself, especially at work. I feel like people think I am shit at my job. My job includes holding meeting with clients and I feel so nervous, even if I've prepared for ages. I just feel like others are better than me and can see through my incompetence. I just don't feel comfortable.

I've felt especially like this since becoming a mum. I just feel so lost. I don't feel like I fit in. Most people doing my job are male and younger and don't have families and kids.

Can anyone relate ?

get career coaching asap and look into a work mentor.

I used to be like this in my early 20s and it was exhausting. Are you getting enough sleep? Can you write down your worries and then list why they are not based in reality (ie nobody at work has actually complained about you have they?). Keep looking at the list of what is real. Learn to talk yourself out of the list fo what is just you being anxious.
your kids sound absolutely fine and of course parents chill on their phones or tune out sometimes while their kids watch tv. Many do it daily.
give yourself a break. Some CBT would help and possibly anti anxiety medication. Pay your GP a visit

Try coaching rather than therapy?

Coaching is solutions-focused and really gets to the root of insecurity and the inner critic while also giving you concrete strategies to help change.

I’m a coach so I am biaised (!) but something that is fascinating about our psychology is that our ego and mind like to keep us safe and comfortable. So on some level it is / has proven comfortable (familiar) for you to always have this “less than” feeling.

A useful question that often sparks an “aha” moment is to ask yourself what you are getting from staying stuck/not worthy etc. How is it keeping you “safe”. (Eg don’t have to move up the ranks, be in the spotlight, shine, etc)

This can be counterintuitive but if you keep with it it can be revealing.

And then practice doing something unfamiliar like walking into the office saying “I was hired because I’m the best” and notice how you hold yourself differently, interact etc.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, but thought some basic tips might be helpful.

coaching is ideal for imposter syndrome, there are loads of tools.

You can do it!

GP
Walk everyday outdoors
Lots of sleep
Healthy eating
No alcohol (it makes anxiety worse)
Cut back on caffeine (as above)
Perhaps gratitude journal
CBT

Thank you ! This is amazing. So kind of you to share.

I just booked my first session with a career coach for tomorrow.

I've got to sort this out !

What will the GP do ?

I don't drink alcohol ? How much walking ? I am trying to stay active in general.

Sleep is good generally.

I drink 2 coffees a day and occasionally 3. Probably a bit much.

Yes exactly, early 20s. How am I not past this.

It's worse now than it was then.

Congrats on the new job! They must have hired you because they thought you could do the job as you certainly don't come across as someone who would bullshit or big yourself up and overpromise.

Definitely go for the career coaching, it sounds like it would really help you to stop overthinking and worrying about what everyone else is thinking.

In the meantime, be kinder to yourself. It's very normal to feel outside of your comfort zone when you start a new job. Asking lots of questions is actually a really good thing to do - it's far better to check and be sure, then guess and make mistakes.

How about making a list of all your strengths at work? For instance being older and a mum might actually be a very positive thing as you bring different skills and life experience to the job.

Also some questions to ask yourself when you're in a negative thought spiral from the Work of Bryon Katie.

Is this really true?
Can you absolutely know that it's true?
How do you react when you believe this thought?
Who would you be without this thought?

They can be really helpful to challenge your thinking and change your perspective.

Thank you ! Yes on the asking lots of questions, I'm really forcing myself here to step outside of my comfort zone.

I want to become very good at my job. Where previously I have been afraid to ask questions, I'm now just going for it because the last job I had- I had some big gaps in my knowledge because I was scared to ask questions in case I looked stupid. So I'm turning that on its head this time and just asking because I want to be good at my job.

@BrightNewLife what a kind and inspiring post ❤️

cut out all processed foods and reduce coffee
Yoga

The wonderful thing about your comfort zone is that it expands and stretches when you step outside of it, so that what once seemed scary just becomes normal. And the more you do it, the easier it gets.

I think it's great that you're asking questions - I'd really value that in someone working for me. It's also great that career coaching is an option - see if they do any kind of mentoring too, as that can also be really helpful.

I obsess about every interaction with colleagues and what they must think of me.

I imagine other people are doing a better job- being more engaging/ fun mums.

I just feel like others are better than me and can see through my incompetence.

Lots of imagining and second guessing going on in your post. The reality is that you have no idea what goes on in other peoples lives and heads, only that that they chose to share on SM - the "highlights". Equally no one has any idea of what you think and feel. When did you start worrying about other people and how they perceive you?

This is very sad to read, what did your last counsellor suggest? All those negative thoughts would never ever even occur to me. I'd just assume that people liked me and I was doing a good job. Can you work at changing your mindset?

I felt like this for years (51 now). Could have written your post (thought for a moment I had). I tried everything apart from antidepressants as I thought there was no point as I’m never been depressed. Finally had enough about a year ago and did some research …long story short I now take a low dose of citalopram and it has been LIFE CHANGING! I wish so much I had done it years ago - for me it just turns down the voice in my head telling me I’m shit. I have so much more bandwidth just to get on with life. Good luck!

I felt like this, turns out I had thyroid problem. I am now on meds and still sometimes over think but no where near like I did before.

Have you considered autism? I see a lot of my(autistic)self in what you've written.

I feel like this in my current job. Honestly, I feel less confident in it now than I did when I started six years ago.
I don't feel like this in other parts of my life so I'm not sure it's exactly comparable. Posting here for solidarity and to read other tips.

I've never considered that. I don't know a huge deal about it. I'm just thinking about it all in more detail and I think I struggle especially with colleagues over zoom.. I just feel like I can't really read them the same way as in person and might be misinterpreting.

Its normal to ask a lot of questions in a new job, the people who don't are the ones who worry me I always tell our new starters that I would rather they ask the same question 10 times and get it right 10 times, rather than not ask and get it wrong. I don't know about you, but sometimes something new just won't 'stick' for ages and then once it does, its there for ever !

I generally feel like people like me as a person. I'm pretty outgoing and sociable. I make people feel at ease and people say I'm easy to talk to and down to earth. If I don't feel someone likes me on a personal level, I don't tend to get overly concerned. I get worried about my professional performance and whether people think I'm good at what I do. I obsess over my performance and if I did things right or said something dumb in a meeting or whether I was confident enough.

I get like this when I drink coffee, I start massively overthinking everything and in a negative way, now I rarely drink it except for maybe a little (half caf) at the weekend and see a big difference, I mainly drink decaf now or tea

Fair enough. I can't imagine living without coffee and have it every day. I'll try to see if it makes a difference !

If you are on social media then I would come off of it completely.

It’s been proven that there is a link between social media and feeling inadequate.

I know it's a bit of a cliche to recommend this but I got a huge amount of value from reading Brene Brown's books on vulnerability and shame- The Power of Vulnerablilty.

I used to have crippling imposter syndrome but since reading her books and having some career coaching I've been promoted twice in 2 years.