I just feel so shit about myself - all the bloody time - it's SO frustrating

[agha]

How can I just sort myself out ? I've had PLENTY of therapy in the past, but I just can't get it together.

I'm really struggling at the moment. It's particularly pronounced because I've not long started a new job.

I obsess about every interaction with colleagues and what they must think of me. Whether they already regret hiring me and whether I'm just so shit at my job it's showing. I'm really working hard but as I'm new, I don't know everything yet and I'm just feeling this enormous pressure. Then I worry that I'm asking too many questions. I just feel like a mess. I imagine everyone can see this.

Then it comes to my kids and I just think I'm doing such a bad job. Well, at least I imagine other people are doing a better job- being more engaging/ fun mums. I try to be fun but sometimes I just lounge around on my phone while they watch TV or play. They're 5 and almost 3. I imagine all mums constantly tuned into their kids. My 5 year old gets really excited when other people come over or when someone else picks her up. So I always think it's because she doesn't have fun with me. Although I do try.

I just really struggle to believe in myself. It's like a piece of me is just missing.

What can I do except go to therapy again ? I've really just had it. They offer career coaching at work, I'm definitely going to do it. I just want to stop feeling so bad about myself, especially at work. I feel like people think I am shit at my job. My job includes holding meeting with clients and I feel so nervous, even if I've prepared for ages. I just feel like others are better than me and can see through my incompetence. I just don't feel comfortable.

I've felt especially like this since becoming a mum. I just feel so lost. I don't feel like I fit in. Most people doing my job are male and younger and don't have families and kids.

Can anyone relate ?

Try matcha instead of coffee

Oh wow OP it's like you are nearly the same person as me, right down to how many coffees we drink a day. Not sure how old you are but I'm 35 and can't believe I'm still like this, although I agree it's got worse since becoming a mum. I think a key difference with me is that I'm in a job I've been in for years and feel very stagnant and overqualified (I'm working on changing this) so I feel like everyone I know thinks I'm a failure, even though I doubt most of my friends even know that about my job (it's quite a niche industry). It's exhausting feeling like shit about everything all the time. No real advice but solidarity.

One thing I will say though is that I recently went out with a group of mum friends after a long time. It used to be a group that I felt shit around because I felt they were closer to each other than me and I just felt like a spare part. But I've got to the point where I no longer care as I don't see them that much anyway and just thought meh they are more like friendly acquaintances than close mates, but I fancied the night out - so I went and I had such a good time because I literally didn't care, it felt so liberating! And I feel like I've not overthought every single conversation worrying if I'd said something weird or silly.

So I guess the trick is care less but the question is how, I wish I knew the answer xx

I had borderline underachieve thyroid some years ago but as borderline, it went untreated. Is the GP still the best place to get this checked? I dread having to contact the GP nowadays, it feels like the 'shop's closed' so I avoid.

Thanks so much everyone for the kind words and understanding offered. I really appreciate it !

I am looking forward to having this coaching session today.

I did have coaching a few months ago too in my last role, but I didn't feel like it made much difference. I'm ok for a while but then when my triggers come up, I just react the same. The triggers being, any form of perceived or actual criticism / coldness / or when I feel I didn't contribute to a meeting or didn't know what to say. I've also started this role alongside two other, young men and it's just so hard not to compare myself to them and I feel like everyone likes them more and respects them more and thinks I'm just not good at my job.

I work in sales, which is just so front line, no where to hide - everyone looking at you and seeing if you're competent.

They told me in my last job that they basically felt I was under confident, because I would often say stuff like ' this may be a silly question, but ' etc, when I was still quite new. Then yesterday I was speaking to one of my technical colleagues about a meeting we had just had and I was completely lost in the technical detail he was explaining and usually, I would just let it go and move on. But I really want to feel confident in this role and I want to get to the bottom of things I don't understand in the hopes that I will appear more confident as a result. I said to him, listen, I'm lost here in the detail- can we go to the beginning and tell me this again and I'll try and conclude what I've understood, so I learn here. Now I've been worried about it all night, that he's gone away thinking I'm stupid. I did grasp it in the end. My husband said I should have asked the same questions but without saying I was lost.

Rather than focusing on this overall view of yourself as inferior, try switching your focus to those you believe are better and be objective and sprcific. What are these young men at work specifically doing that means they are 'better' than you? Watch them closely. What in their behaviour is superior to yours? Listen to them. Do they really know more than you? Are their views so much more insightful? I'm willing to bet that if you were to be scrupulously honest, and create a list of examples of how much better each person is, then there may not be a lot on it. And if there really is, then you have a list of goals to work towards, be that more knowledge of this aspect of the job, or a better relationship with that client and so on.
You can apply a similar method with other mums, but the picture will be skewed by the fact you're only seeing a snapshot of their lives, and many will be swans, furiously peddling beneath the surface, just like you.

I'd also add, not every job is right for every person. It takes certain personality traits and aptitudes to succeed in, and enjoy! certain sectors. I'm confident and I know I'm good at what I do...but I'd not be a good fit in sales and in that environment I know my confidence would be on the floor. Do you actually enjoy this work? Does it give opportunity for you to use your skills and talents, or are you swimming against the tide, trying to push a round peg into a square hole?

Yeah so I actually think I'm working harder at understanding our offering. They're maybe better than me at just looking like they ' fit in ' because I need to leave the office to pick up my kids, so I often don't have lunch because I feel bad and don't want to be told I'm lazy. This stops me from interacting a lot with my other colleagues. Whereas they're a bit freer to do so, because they don't leave early.

They're just able to banter more with the boys than I am, because they have more in common. I'm also super sociable and talk to people a lot, but I'm not going to be bantering about computer games or stuff they do at the gym. I'm married with two children.

Also on some of the systems we use, they've used them before and I haven't as much. But I'm learning.

In terms of the job, I haven't seen them be superior to me and they're definitely not trying as much to understand the offering we have, whereas I'm really trying. I probably know more about it than them at this point. I feel like I have a lot more to prove for some reason than they do.

There's just nothing else I can do. But I totally hear you.

I think you did really well stopping and asking to go back through the detail. A clear mental model of what you're trying to sell will really help you to be confident. You've already noticed what was holding you back previously (not asking questions) and changed things for the better. I'd say that's a huge win 💐

Mine was just under the threshold, but because I had lots of symptoms they decided to test my antibodies. I had a thyroid peroxidase antibodies test which came back very high and they decided to give me medication as this indicated I would definitely need the medication at some point and it would also help with the symptoms I was having.
I do have a family history of thyroid problems, both my aunties had issues. My dad also had psoriasis which is an auto immune disease. If there is any auto immune disease in the family, this can give you a higher chance of having thyroid issues.

I would definitely go back to the GP to get tested 😊.

This sounds spot on! And is proof you have the ability to be objective.

Depending on the size of the company & you may have done this already, you could always seek out the last couple of annual reports, any quarterly investor reports, ask if there is a company strategy/vision/mission document, track down any CEO interviews etc so you get a bigger picture vision of the company.

And then you’ll be able to tie everything you do or projects you work on to the bigger sales/strategic goal.

Try some EFT tapping therapy. There is one called 'You are enough'' free on the Tapping Solution App. It's really powerful.

When I get in that spiral I do it every day for a week, sometimes longer.

It sounds like you're doing brilliantly to me. You're being proactive in trying to improve - both by recognising things that previously held you back and challenging yourself to do things differently; and in pursuing opportunities like the career coaching.

I do sympathise though. I'm in my 50s and I've always had low confidence in myself (my self belief is on the floor at the moment and still plummeting downwards). The post by @BrightNewLife has me thinking. But then I think it's too embedded, plus I'm autistic, so it probably won't work for me.

Honestly if you can find the right coach, it can help no end, I honestly think everyone should have a coach at some point, it can be life changing!

Please don't think it can't work for you, but do choose the style of coaching and find a coach who would be the perfect fit for you, if it's something you decide to look into.

@agha how was your coaching session today?

I didn't get much out of it tbh. It wasn't that great. I may try another coach. It was a bit robotic and cold for me. Perhaps because I'm used to therapy and of course, coaching is different.

Ah that's a shame, maybe the coach wasn't such a good fit for you. It's important that you get on and build a good relationship and feel you can open up and talk. As you say coaching is different, but you need a good rapport with your coach just as you would with a therapist.

Hope it doesn't put you off and you can find a better coach for you.