To throw my kids a Christmas party (+other things)

[Mudder2024]

I'm the middle of a hot argument with DH. I am throwing my kids a Xmas party after school Friday as we are going away so no play dates during Christmas holidays and thought it would be nice, secret Santa, Xmas games, music and food for both DDs and three friends each.

For context: I have always loved throwing parties and being the hostess, it's something that makes me really happy and I get a lot of fulfilment from it, all the organising, the actual party, the clearing up after. It's my favourite pastime. Obviously these parties have changed over the years from single woman throwing party to now a mum throwing them for her kids. Nothing extreme, just birthday parties, maybe a Halloween party and this year a Xmas party. Very occasionally I will host a more civilised lunch or something with a few friends.

On the other hand , dH is an introvert and if it was up to him we would never socialise. But he has claimed in the past it's okay when he's off work (however it's still a struggle getting him to do anything so I've resolved to a life of socialising alone)

This week, me and DH are on annual leave, myself until Saturday and DH for the next three weeks.

We go away for 5 days 26th to 31st and I'm working all my shifts around this so this is my only proper week off.

I've booked an overtime shift on Saturday (extra money for Xmas) I hardly ever do overtime maybe 4 a year max.

So this week has been my only week off to do everything I needed to do prior to Xmas etc.

This is what my week looked like, you will need to know the details for context

Monday: breakfast out with DH and quality time in afternoon 🛌🏼

Tuesday: I was out all day (during school hours) viewing flats with my dad who's looking to downsize

Wednesday I'd planned to go to my mum's where all the DDs Xmas presents were delivered, to wrap them all up, was fully expecting to go on my own but DH offered so came and helped. In the afternoon was a school Xmas performance for DD10 which obviously she wanted us both at. In the evening I was going to a Christmas quiz night with some friends.

Thursday: I had a lash appointment and then a teams call for 2 hours for something for DD10.

Friday: this is when I planned the Xmas party for the kids, 330-6

Saturday: I am working overtime 8-4

Sunday we are going to the panto with family.

So all in all a fairly busy week.

I told DH that I'm doing a Xmas party for the girls about a week ago, it was spur of the moment but the stars aligned an everyone was free so I went for it.

However yesterday it's all blown up. We were on way back from my mum's and he starts complaining that he's not going to have time to go out for a run and is dDD10 expecting him to show up to the Xmas performance. I did yes of course she is, can't you just attend in your running gear and go straight from there, he said no. I said okay what about when we get back he said no it'll be too busy on roads etc, he then said don't worry he will go Thursday. Later on in afternoon he starts kicking off about this Xmas party with remarks like "why are you throwing this party?!" "This is completely unnecessary" "you're selfish" "what are we going to do about dinner Friday night" "I'm sick of having my days off planned by you" "you should have asked me first then I would've told you it wasn't a good idea"

Needless to say I got pissed off and basically said WTF I'm allowed to throw my kids a party if I want I don't need your permission ... And words to that effect. He then got really grumpy and passive aggressive and said "oh why don't you just fuck off then...oh right yeh you are fucking off to your quiz aren't you"... Then moments later started saying "if you're booking overtime Saturday then I'm going to start booking overtime on my annual leave too" ...I replied that he earns 75k a year he doesn't need to do overtime, I earn 29k a year as I have to work part time so I need it. He didn't respond.

I then went on to list what we had done this week and what was it to come, and what part of that was me planning his life for him?!?? Monday I could've done without 🛌🏼 but I made time for him. Tuesday I wasn't even there, Wednesday I was not expecting him to come, Thursday he has whole day to himself.

AIBU ???

Well he dosent need to be at tbe Christmas party does he? So he has the whole day to himself, l dont see the problem.

He sounds like a bit of an arse.

I kind of get where he's coming from even though your planning it, it means a load of kids and noise in the house also when you plan these things is there a lot of can you just.....

Exactly , I told him this, I said go out for a couple hours I can't take care of this all by myself

No never, I take full pride in completely organising it myself and all the games will be led by me etc.

The noise and kids..okay, yes but I've given him an out

The benefits of doing the party outweigh the small inconvenience

tell him to go out?! Or watch a film upstairs.

ffs these men!!

He is

The problem is I suspect I'm neuro diverse and anytime we have an argument I instantly go to divorce in my mind so I never know when it's actually justifiable to LTB

I've offered him several outs! Still a problem tho

That's interesting you say that I was assuming he potentially was and struggles with the over stimulation

I think he is too.... Somewhere on the spectrum... And he hates socialising

He is happy when home with us
Anything that disrupts that is not good with him

But I can't leave such an isolated life

I don't think you are unreasonable. It doesn't sound like you have planned all his time at all. I don't enjoy hosting, and I don't really like having people over that much but I also realize that it's not just my house, it's my children and husband's home as well and they are fully entitled to have people in the house so I do host things (within reason.. don't love people dropping in unexpectedly) the Christmas party is a lovely idea for your children and he can go out if it's too much for him.

I also don't like the unexpected drop ins 🤣

I think its so lovely you've planned this, I love hosting too. You're making a huge effort, for you child and friends, working overtime. You haven't asked him for help.

Also, I find it so odd that he earns X and I earn X.

I am so sorry, he sounds like a real ass right now.

Think about your child and soldier on. You sound fab

Thank you for your sweet reply...I really needed to hear this today 🥰

And no we don't have completely joint finances...I mean we have a joint account for bills etc but everything else is separate

Whenever I think I should broach the subject of joining finances, an argument occurs and I tha k god that I never done it incase I need to LTB

If he is not helping you with the party (and it seems he is not) what are his complaints about the party? Is it a noise, or does he want to do something with DC e.g go shopping for your present or is it about you being tired after so no sex?
His behavior was so weird and unreasonable that it couldn’t be about the party

The obvious solution seems to be for him to go for a run whilst the party is happening if he doesn't want to be involved?!

Nope he just doesn't want it going on in his house

He's just so antisocial

It's about the party AND that he thinks I have planned his week for him

The panto on Sunday is with His family... starting to feel like he may just get worse with age and not actually want to see anyone or socialise at all

Don't think it's about me being tired after

You'd think so wouldn't you 🤦🏻‍♀️

You'd think so wouldn't you 🤦🏻‍♀️

Your husband sounds a bit like mine. He's fab when home alone but gets very stressed by the thought of anyone being here.
I just smile, nod and say nothing.
He is intelligent enough to know what he's doing. And once his stress level goes down he usually gets with the plan. (E.g. a kids party he would hide away. My family coming over he know he needs to show his face).

Have a great party. Let him sulk a bit then just crack on.

I get sad I always socialise alone. But the kids are always looked after when I am out! And he comes out maybe once a year.... But the good bits about him are great. As the years go on I'm actually appreciating the good bits more and more.

I think you and other posters are focusing on the party and his run.... but I don't think those are the root cause of the issue.

Taking a step back and looking at "the whole week"...

You had a week of annual leave off together without the kids. Apart from Monday, it looks like you've planned the whole week based on things that you need or want to do and not actually considered him.

I get that he's a grown man and can plan his own time but if I a had week off with my DH and he said "I'm off to do X, Y. Z so just sort yourself out" without involving me in discussions I think I'd be a bit annoyed too.

When I started to read your OP, mudder I felt a sense of overload and tension myself just at the very thought of yet another party/event at this time of year, so I exactly get where your DH is coming from. The mass of school events, work events, etc as Christmas approaches is exhausting.
At a certain point there starts to be the possibility of a calmer, cosier Christmas when everyone can start to rest, but it seems that your enjoyment of hosting means that period of restfulness gets pushed back.
It is reasonable for you to go ahead with your children's event if that it what you want, but equally it is reasonable for your DH to feel some level of exhaustion at the prospect of yet more Christmas busyness.
Also, if you are a very energetic planner, it does seem likely that you may be accidentally making demands on his time, his space, his peace, even without meaning to.

@FrangipaniBlue, yes I think you have hit the nail on the head better than I did!

He plans stuff for his week's off without consulting me first.

Don't think it's really necessary to consult about how we spend our time, as long as we ensure we carve out some time for one another at some point . We both work shifts and have a fairly hectic schedule because of this, so our annual leave is when we do the stuff we need to do.

I've been the parent running the kids around to all the Xmas discos and making sure they have all the right stuff for school: oranges for christingles, Xmas jumpers, paying for workshops etc. I stay on top of all that. He stays on top of all the blue jobs.

I wanted to do a little party as they won't see their friends over Xmas holidays as we are going away, I really think a two hour party is not that big of a deal, AND I have given him an out to go upstairs/go out if he wants to

It's been two days and he is stonewalling me

Do I really deserve this treatment when I'm just trying to do something nice for our DC? Who are very excited about it btw

If id organised a huge dinner and drinks for friends to come over for many hours , which is not unreasonable this time of year (but which he definitely would not participate in anyway) I feel I'd still be justified in doing so. But it's not even that ! It's a two hour kids party

He's like this with any social event really. Won't go to weddings with me, won't go to friends with me. I feel isolated tbh.