To throw my kids a Christmas party (+other things)

[Mudder2024]

I'm the middle of a hot argument with DH. I am throwing my kids a Xmas party after school Friday as we are going away so no play dates during Christmas holidays and thought it would be nice, secret Santa, Xmas games, music and food for both DDs and three friends each.

For context: I have always loved throwing parties and being the hostess, it's something that makes me really happy and I get a lot of fulfilment from it, all the organising, the actual party, the clearing up after. It's my favourite pastime. Obviously these parties have changed over the years from single woman throwing party to now a mum throwing them for her kids. Nothing extreme, just birthday parties, maybe a Halloween party and this year a Xmas party. Very occasionally I will host a more civilised lunch or something with a few friends.

On the other hand , dH is an introvert and if it was up to him we would never socialise. But he has claimed in the past it's okay when he's off work (however it's still a struggle getting him to do anything so I've resolved to a life of socialising alone)

This week, me and DH are on annual leave, myself until Saturday and DH for the next three weeks.

We go away for 5 days 26th to 31st and I'm working all my shifts around this so this is my only proper week off.

I've booked an overtime shift on Saturday (extra money for Xmas) I hardly ever do overtime maybe 4 a year max.

So this week has been my only week off to do everything I needed to do prior to Xmas etc.

This is what my week looked like, you will need to know the details for context

Monday: breakfast out with DH and quality time in afternoon 🛌🏼

Tuesday: I was out all day (during school hours) viewing flats with my dad who's looking to downsize

Wednesday I'd planned to go to my mum's where all the DDs Xmas presents were delivered, to wrap them all up, was fully expecting to go on my own but DH offered so came and helped. In the afternoon was a school Xmas performance for DD10 which obviously she wanted us both at. In the evening I was going to a Christmas quiz night with some friends.

Thursday: I had a lash appointment and then a teams call for 2 hours for something for DD10.

Friday: this is when I planned the Xmas party for the kids, 330-6

Saturday: I am working overtime 8-4

Sunday we are going to the panto with family.

So all in all a fairly busy week.

I told DH that I'm doing a Xmas party for the girls about a week ago, it was spur of the moment but the stars aligned an everyone was free so I went for it.

However yesterday it's all blown up. We were on way back from my mum's and he starts complaining that he's not going to have time to go out for a run and is dDD10 expecting him to show up to the Xmas performance. I did yes of course she is, can't you just attend in your running gear and go straight from there, he said no. I said okay what about when we get back he said no it'll be too busy on roads etc, he then said don't worry he will go Thursday. Later on in afternoon he starts kicking off about this Xmas party with remarks like "why are you throwing this party?!" "This is completely unnecessary" "you're selfish" "what are we going to do about dinner Friday night" "I'm sick of having my days off planned by you" "you should have asked me first then I would've told you it wasn't a good idea"

Needless to say I got pissed off and basically said WTF I'm allowed to throw my kids a party if I want I don't need your permission ... And words to that effect. He then got really grumpy and passive aggressive and said "oh why don't you just fuck off then...oh right yeh you are fucking off to your quiz aren't you"... Then moments later started saying "if you're booking overtime Saturday then I'm going to start booking overtime on my annual leave too" ...I replied that he earns 75k a year he doesn't need to do overtime, I earn 29k a year as I have to work part time so I need it. He didn't respond.

I then went on to list what we had done this week and what was it to come, and what part of that was me planning his life for him?!?? Monday I could've done without 🛌🏼 but I made time for him. Tuesday I wasn't even there, Wednesday I was not expecting him to come, Thursday he has whole day to himself.

AIBU ???

Does he ever suggest doing things together? If you're regularly dismissing his ideas for plans in favour of your own, he may have a point, but I feel like that isn't the case here. It sounds like he simultaneously wants you to not plan any activities, but also wants you to mother him and decide when he goes for a run or what he eats for his dinner?!

He's fortunate to have 3 weeks annual leave; after you've done 3 days with activities for the kids and been away for a week, then that still gives him one week off to decompress and do his own thing. Having kids means you do need to go to activities with them, it's weird how that doesn't seem to have occured to him.

He rarely suggests doing things together ...our date nights are usually on our birthdays... Very rarely in between

As for activities with the kids, unless I plan something for us to do as a family, it doesn't happen.

Id never dismiss his ideas, I'd be delighted!!!

He sounds like a lot of men - they don’t bother/can’t be arsed to plan anything and then moan when you plan something they don’t want to do or plan something for yourself.
It’s a lovely idea and a few hours. YANBU. Carry on as normal. No need to argue and just ignore his mardiness!

Exactly, just a few hours, a minor inconvenience for hopefully core Xmas memories for the DDs 🥰 it's definitely my last year of DD10 believing too so I'm cherishing this year a lot more xx

He's still stonewalling me but has just had a go at me for taking what he used as a dust sheet out of the washing machine coz I had to do the washing.
Got called a fucking mong.
Yehhh nice guy

He's just got back after leaving at 2.30. and still stonewalling me

Party was fun tho 🥰

I was on your side with Christmas party!

I usually do one every year, I was being pestered at the school gate a couple of weeks ago by some of my regular invitees but I don’t have the energy this year (health issues). My DH also an introvert would never dream of saying I couldn’t do these. I love an excuse to throw a kids party. He’d happily help me get cleaned up and shop then disappear into his office until it’s over and help with the clean up.

I wish I had one like that 😔

Glad your party was fun, I'm sure your kids will remember you making the effort to host these little parties for them and their friends. It won't be long before they want to be out with friends doing their own thing, so it's a good idea to make the most of the pre-teen years!

Husband sounds like a miserable arse from your updates. I'm very introverted, but wouldn't stop my husband from inviting people over. He has a boardgame day planned with his friends over Christmas. I'll make enough small talk with them to be polite, then disappear upstairs to watch a film with headphones on, it's not a big deal.

Hes still not talking to me

This is so sad. I hope you’re ok. x

No I'm not okay

Really disappointed in his behaviour

Questioning what to do now

OP I think it would be very unhealthy and harmful for you and the kids to give in to his preferences/demands to be isolated and not socialise. Your Christmas party is a great idea and I think important for the children. He is very lucky he is not roped in to help out with tasks like cleaning up or supervising the party. Most fathers would have to help out whether they liked it or not. I accept that he may be an introvert and prefer to live like a hermit, but he must not impose that on the children or on you.

The complaints about attending his DD's school performance are unreasonable- he can go for a run at another time; his body is not going to disintegrate just because he goes for a run at a different time of the day or even skip it. If he wants to skip his DD's show, he should just remember that when he's old and needs care....... for his own benefit he should not start cultivating bad/selfish habits like this.

Definitely keep some of your finances separate.

Leave him to stew and reflect on what he's said and what you've said and get on with your plans. There are lots of partners/spouses who behave like an additional child despite fathering children! He'll come round and talk eventually.