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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband use of car horn!

59 replies

Merrygoround8 · 19/12/2024 19:39

Semi lighthearted but also genuinely curious as to who is BU!

When we are in the car, I find DH uses the horn every time we are in the car for indiscretions of other drivers, whether it impacts us or not. I am talking on 9/10 times we are in the car longer than 10 mins this will happen at least once. And I am not talking about using the horn if for instance someone was reversing in to us and needed to be alerted to us, it is 99% passive aggression around things he sees but could easily just ignore.

I find it so off putting. I have said countless times that I find this irritating and stressful - in my view, a honk is never going to make another driver sit back and reflect/be a better driver. They are either someone that already knows they’ve done wrong and it’s a mistake, or truly an arse who won’t care about their driving. So it just feels like a sort of vigilante crusade and arrogance to me.

The other element of this that irritates me is that when he sees a potential hazard, instead of immediately backing off he will continue almost as if he hasn’t seen it (leading me to panic!) and then assure me he can “judge the time and distance”. Meanwhile I’m having a heart attack! For instance today a lady didn’t give way to the right on a roundabout - yes, annoying and her error - but having noticed this he could have just held back and instead he continues and we end up close to this car, almost to intimidate the other person and make it very clear they were wrong. Yes she’s in the wrong but my instinct is just purely to back off and away from a hazard/irresponsible driver, whoever is at fault. I don’t want to be anywhere near it. I also don’t think you can ever judge the reaction times etc of another driver so in my mind, if there is a hazard, you slow down to avoid….. Because even if there is a collision, you want it to be as slow as possible!

He hasn’t had an accident and insists he is in control but it really bothers me. He points out that in these circumstances if there was a crash, the police would find the other person at fault. Whilst this is true in the legal sense, I also just don’t think it matters really if someone is injured and that’s my fear.

I’ve probably mentioned this for 10 years and said how I find the honking in particular unpleasant and pointless. He doesn’t seem to care about my experience of the journey if he is driving, it’s his discretion and his say.

We have young kids in the car also if relevant.

AIBU - driver discretion always
YANBU - he’s driving like an arse and/or should care about how his driving affects you

OP posts:
user98786 · 19/12/2024 20:13

YANBU… BUT sometimes people turn into a completely different person when driving. I certainly do. Something about being in a zone of total concentration you kinda expect others to do too. I don’t really know what it is.

BellissimoGecko · 19/12/2024 21:01

The other element of this that irritates me is that when he sees a potential hazard, instead of immediately backing off he will continue almost as if he hasn’t seen it (leading me to panic!) and then assure me he can “judge the time and distance”.

I hate this. So over-confident and aggressive. Just unnecessary.

Buy him the Highway Code for Xmas.

But if you've been saying this for years and he still drives like a dick, I'm not sure what you can do.

VegTrug · 19/12/2024 21:10

Let me guess, he’s one of those drivers who pretends he can’t see a merging vehicle in a filter lane? Refuses to yield to/slow down for, a vehicle joining on a slip road? Can’t fucking stand drivers like that. It’s always men!

stargazerlil · 19/12/2024 21:16

Iknitjumpers · 19/12/2024 19:49

I hate car tooting unless it’s in New York 🤣. I just don’t see why people want to make it their business to upbraid minor misdemeanours of other drivers. All tooting does is cause anger and it’s not as if you can retaliate.

Ah New York, somehow all the noise becomes a beautiful background melody.

stargazerlil · 19/12/2024 21:17

Horns are so unnerving, one day he’s going to startle some nervous driver into making the wrong move.

DarkAether · 19/12/2024 21:24

dont look up horn blasters on youtube to see what people do with their car horns

Thelnebriati · 19/12/2024 21:27

Your husband uses his horn to teach other drivers a lesson, and that's not just an irritating habit its a red flag. Is he driving aggressively to scare you and teach you a lesson?

Iknitjumpers · 19/12/2024 21:30

It’s hilarious in NYC and it adds to the atmosphere.

dixon86 · 19/12/2024 21:45

He'll do it to the wrong person one day

Eenameenadeeka · 19/12/2024 21:49

I don't think I could cope being in the car with someone who drives like that, and not with my children either.

Slidingdowntherainbow · 19/12/2024 21:52

You were spot on when you said it was arrogance.

Hes a twat with a huge (probably undeserved) ego. Eugh, this would piss me off and turn me off in equal measure.

Slidingdowntherainbow · 19/12/2024 21:54

user98786 · 19/12/2024 20:13

YANBU… BUT sometimes people turn into a completely different person when driving. I certainly do. Something about being in a zone of total concentration you kinda expect others to do too. I don’t really know what it is.

Edited

It’s arrogance.

GCITC · 19/12/2024 22:06

He'll be in for a shock if he does end up in a collision.

Say the roundabout example had ended in a collision. If he had ample time to slow to avoid a crash and he chose not to do so, he would be held at least partially responsible for any damages.

Iknitjumpers · 19/12/2024 22:07

I was in the car with my husband and we were sitting behind someone taking a while to pull out onto a busy road. We wouldn’t dream of tooting them but there was beeping coming from the car just behind us. Guess who got the two finger sign when the hesitant driver saw us a minute later.

BogRollBOGOF · 19/12/2024 22:28

He needs to read the highway code. The horn is there as a warning not for reprimanding.

I rarely use the horn because if someone is driving that hazardously around me, I'm generally prioritising avoiding them! Oddly I did actually use it the other day, a little beep because the car in front was rolling backwards downhill towards us while waiting at traffic lights. DH was driving but I leaned over and gave it a little press as a warning. They did then apply their brakes.

The previous use was about 3m ago as a load began to slide off the roof of the car ahead on a dual carriage. I held back and slowed down and to increase the distance and gave a few light presses as a warning because the load could have come off and obstructed the carriageway for other road users and I didn't know if the driver was aware of the issue. They did manage to pull over to a safe spot to secure it.

Another use this year was at a stuck set of roadwork lights. Nothing had moved for about 4-5 minutes so after no change by a set time I proceeded after a little beep as a warning as the view was restricted. There was a jam behind the red lights on the other side too.

I've used it a lot this year, more than usual!

If someone's being a knob on the roads, I want to avoid them and create space to reduce any possible consequences.

One day he will end up having a collision or winding up an even bigger/ more aggressive tosspot.

Catza · 19/12/2024 22:32

I never understood the point of honking. I failed my MOT this year because my horn didn't work. I had no idea. Mentioned it to my partner and he was like "oh yeah I forgot to tell you". He used my car maybe six months prior to that so clearly I just had no reason to us the horn.. If someone acts like a dick I just mutter a sarcastic comment like "oh love, late for our next accident, are we?" or "excellent use of indicators. Very helpful. Well done". And then I move on with my drive. No need to stress myself or others around me.

Creamteasandbumblebees · 27/12/2024 19:20

Sounds exactly like my FIL, MIL argues with him every time they go in the car over the exact same things you have mentioned. I told him 18 months ago that I would never get in the car with him driving again and he would no longer be driving my children anywhere.
My SIL (his daughter) won't get in a car with him and won't allow him in her car after she was driving him home from the pub one day and he leaned over and honked her horn!
I'd refuse to be driven by him.

Lickityspit · 27/12/2024 19:27

My ex DH used to do this until one day a massive bloke ran us off the road after he was playing silly beggars, got out his car and punched him. Can’t say he didn’t deserve it!!!

Vannymcvan · 27/12/2024 19:27

I genuinely wouldn't get in the car with him. He has a lot of aggression. What an absolute dick

Shubbypubby · 27/12/2024 19:31

Can you offer to drive instead?

UnicornBubble · 27/12/2024 19:47

In the Theory test/Highway Code it explicitly says that the horn is to alert others of your presence, not to show them you’re irritated at them.
So you can tell him he is breaking the Highway Code. Which I believe could potentially put him at fault if there was an incident.

BlueEyedLeucy · 27/12/2024 19:55

In 18 years of driving, I have only ever used my horn a few times to give a wee beep is someone isn't paying attention to the lights changing. My feeling on the use of horns is that (unless someone is at risk of driving into you due to inattention) if you have time to beep you have time to adjust, slow, take evasive action somehow...and if you are at genuine risk, you're better with both hands on the controls - unless, as in brackets, the horn may make the difference between being hit or not being hit. There's no point getting angry, or aggressive. There are some shit drivers on the road but getting up their arse, or trying to intimidate or make your feelings known just distracts you and makes an accident more likely.

Noglitterallowed · 27/12/2024 19:58

He’s in the wrong honking all the time but then having a passenger that is jumpy, overly anxious and stressing is also very distracting. Feels like it might be 6 of 1 and half a dozen of another in all honesty.

PensionedCruiser · 27/12/2024 22:47

Merrygoround8 · 19/12/2024 19:46

He is born and raised in the UK, where we are still.

Show quote history

I suggest he could do with a new copy of The Highway Code. It is quite definitive about use of the horn. Alternatively, this is from first time driver.com and although I suspect it's not a UK site, it does spell it out:

Honking Dos and Don'ts: Horn Etiquette Tips for Drivers
Horn honking: if you're like most drivers, you either you love it or you hate it! Some drivers use their horns to communicate effectively and alert other drivers, while plenty of others use horns to vent their traffic frustrations and perpetuate road rage. As a general rule, you should only use your vehicle's horn when absolutely necessary to insure safe driving. Whether you are new to driving or simply need a refresher, here are some basic honking etiquette tips to keep in mind.

Honking to Alert Drivers
Let's say the brakes in your vehicle go out, you've blown a tire, or you spot a large object obstructing the road ahead of you. It is a good idea to use your horn to alert other drivers about equipment issues you are experiencing with your own car and about hazardous conditions that may be coming ahead.

Honking to Communicate
Now let's say that the driver next to you begins swerving into your lane and you're afraid of getting side-swiped. Make just a quick beep of your horn to communicate to your neighbor that he's getting too close for comfort and should be more alert.

Honking to Express Anger
Contrary to popular belief, a vehicle's horn is not an instrument for letting other people know they're bad drivers! It's never a good idea to use your horn to tell drivers to get out of your way or that you don't like a driving move they just made. Road rage-related accidents often begin with unnecessary horn honking, and safety should always be your number one priority on the road. Unless other drivers are putting your life at risk, blasting your horn at them will only make them angry instead of convincing them to change their habits.

Other Honking Tips
Keep in mind that honking is actually illegal in some cities during certain hours. When in doubt, don't use your horn when it's not necessary to keep you safe. Instead of honking your horn while waiting for your passengers to hurry up and join you, park your car and either call them or get out to ring the doorbell. Honking doesn't magically make traffic jams disappear, and the annoying sound of horns actually makes traffic even more unbearable for drivers. If you're sitting in traffic and can't manage to take an alternate route, take a moment to realize that there is very little you can do to clear it and try to relax and enjoy some peaceful music or a good conversation with your passengers. Another popular reason for honking is to show support for a cause, whether it's a fundraising campaign, a parade, a protest, or a wedding. Use these honks sparingly and if you feel particularly drawn to honk, make it a quick beep rather than a long, drawn-out blast.

Sophabulous · 28/12/2024 07:30

Merrygoround8 · 19/12/2024 19:39

Semi lighthearted but also genuinely curious as to who is BU!

When we are in the car, I find DH uses the horn every time we are in the car for indiscretions of other drivers, whether it impacts us or not. I am talking on 9/10 times we are in the car longer than 10 mins this will happen at least once. And I am not talking about using the horn if for instance someone was reversing in to us and needed to be alerted to us, it is 99% passive aggression around things he sees but could easily just ignore.

I find it so off putting. I have said countless times that I find this irritating and stressful - in my view, a honk is never going to make another driver sit back and reflect/be a better driver. They are either someone that already knows they’ve done wrong and it’s a mistake, or truly an arse who won’t care about their driving. So it just feels like a sort of vigilante crusade and arrogance to me.

The other element of this that irritates me is that when he sees a potential hazard, instead of immediately backing off he will continue almost as if he hasn’t seen it (leading me to panic!) and then assure me he can “judge the time and distance”. Meanwhile I’m having a heart attack! For instance today a lady didn’t give way to the right on a roundabout - yes, annoying and her error - but having noticed this he could have just held back and instead he continues and we end up close to this car, almost to intimidate the other person and make it very clear they were wrong. Yes she’s in the wrong but my instinct is just purely to back off and away from a hazard/irresponsible driver, whoever is at fault. I don’t want to be anywhere near it. I also don’t think you can ever judge the reaction times etc of another driver so in my mind, if there is a hazard, you slow down to avoid….. Because even if there is a collision, you want it to be as slow as possible!

He hasn’t had an accident and insists he is in control but it really bothers me. He points out that in these circumstances if there was a crash, the police would find the other person at fault. Whilst this is true in the legal sense, I also just don’t think it matters really if someone is injured and that’s my fear.

I’ve probably mentioned this for 10 years and said how I find the honking in particular unpleasant and pointless. He doesn’t seem to care about my experience of the journey if he is driving, it’s his discretion and his say.

We have young kids in the car also if relevant.

AIBU - driver discretion always
YANBU - he’s driving like an arse and/or should care about how his driving affects you

I don’t know if some men are just like this because they feel important/protected but do be careful. My ex was very similar, always accelerating excessively and then slamming the brakes on but no tolerance for other people making mistakes. He assured me it was all fine because he was a qualified advanced and blue light trained driver (via the army). I still felt there was just no need.

He had several accidents over the years, knowingly drove with no MOT for 3 months at least and then I found out it can be a hallmark of DA because they knowingly intimidate you when you can’t get away if you speak up about it.

That didn’t end well and guess what happened when I put a Clare’s law request in about him after we split up. Two coppers turned up and did a check of the premesis before they would tell me anything. When they did it was shocking what he’d done in the past.

I’m not saying that’s what has gone on here at all, but anyone reading this feeling unsafe do bear it in mind. If their reaction is to tell you you’re overreacting and what you’re doing is fine they’re likely getting off on scaring you.