AIBU to limit the holidays we go on with in-laws?

[Toadstool101]

MIL has bought an apartment in a European country. She’s having it all kitted out for us to stay (blackout curtains for small DC, for example). We have never said we want to go to this European country lots. We can’t fly from a local airport, and have to pay for a London hotel (4 hour drive) to fly from a London airport, car hire on the other side and children’s car seats. It becomes very expensive for a holiday we don’t really want. She’s offering to pay for our flights and has asked us to go over summer holidays, Oct half term and how Feb half term. We’ve so far made excuses.

We both work and AL is limited and used mainly to cover school holidays. I can think of a million other holidays I’d rather go on. MIL and FIL are difficult company. Very intense and even DH spends a lot of time in the toilet when we’re with them. They don’t have an easy relationship. We see them about every months for 2-3 night stays and that’s plenty for me.

I’ve recently said to DH that we could go every other year with them. Even the thought of that makes me feel pretty wound up. I can tell DH would prefer to go at least every year and is feeling bad at how much his mum is asking and how awkward it’s becoming to keep saying no.

Should we suck it up and appreciate the generosity? Or is there a better way to clearly say no without hurting feelings?

Don't suck it up because it will cause huge resentment on your side and an expectation on theirs. Just be quite clear with them once a year is possibly doable but you can't commit. Just be clear, whether they choose to be offended then that's up to them. That actually sounds very frustrating and I would feel very angry at being hounded like this or the assumption that you have nothing else better to do.
Also remind your dh that he finds them very difficult too and it's not ok to dump you in their family issues.
You have a say too. You as an adult don't have to suck it up to please other people.

No. Go where you want on holiday. I would refuse on principle to go somewhere that didn't interest me. Being on holiday with people magnifies issues. Sounds potentially horrible.

I think your have to go once before you can make excuses not to go. You might end up really enjoying it and want to more often? Don't turn something down before at least giving it a go?
Might make mil also realise she doesn't want you guys around as much as she's expecting now

If your husband is bothered he can take the children there for a week without you once a year.

I would go once. Then from that point you can say oh sorry we can’t the children didn’t cope with 4 hour drive to London, the hotel and hire car etc are too expensive, it was too hot, too difficult to get to, didn’t like the food, etc etc. Any number of excuses but I think you have to go once to be able to say well we tried and it just doesn’t work out for us

I wouldn't go anywhere I didn't want to go if my time was limited.

Do this. Say you need to make sure you have enough childcare cover in the holidays and then take the kids a different week to somewhere you'd like to go.

You go with the family EOY (at most) and he can take the kids by himself on the alternate years.

It's your PILs choice to live/holiday where they do and they could much more easily come to the UK and visit you (out of expensive school holiday times etc and not messing with kids routines).

I wouldn't be agreeing to any set times of visiting; holidaying with the ILs every year would be my idea of hell.

Can you fly anywhere within 50/100 miles of their place from your local airport and go to theirs for a few nights as part of a touring holiday?

I forgot to say, and it’s relevant because a few of you have suggested to try it once. We went on this holiday in July of this year(!!!). We deliberately took control of it and booked our own accommodation and had a really good time, but we didn’t plan to see MIL/FIL while we were there. DH told them we wanted to have a low-key trip and see family in small groups. The culture is full on and there’s a history of boundary pushing. They respected this until the last day when they ‘surprised’ us by hiding in the relative’s house we were visiting and after an hour jumping out at the kids upstairs.

DH has other family there who we get on with and it’s nice to see them, but it’s the staying in MIL apartment and being in their company which is the issue. If it wasn’t for that I’d be more willing to make it a set yearly thing.

Once her apartment was semi sorted in early August she was asking us to come out again at the end of the summer holidays.

@PJ04JCW we've looked at this, as think it’s a really good idea. Sadly it’s pretty remote and there isn’t much to do there aside from beaches and countryside (which is beautiful), but the weather is very unreliable.

Stick to your guns, especially if you have limited leave available. Even if they were wonderful company.

Why can't DH go alone with the DC for a couple of nights? My DH does that with his parents who live overseas - I stay at home to work or do a sporting event, he gets time with his DParents.

We do see them all together at least once a year though.

I wouldn't go at all. I know this because my in-laws bought a second house (larger than their first) specifically to accommodate future children-in-law and grandchildren, despite the fact none of their children ever enjoyed going there. It was in the middle of nowhere and basically meant 2 weeks on a never-changing rota of visiting aunts and uncles so MIL could show her DC off.

When nobody went, they downsized to a smaller but far fancier second home in the same city but better neighborhood with more for grandchildren to do. Unsurprisingly, this totally transparent attempt at bribing did nothing to change the fact the place is boring as fuck, the new children-in-law have zero interest in spending precious leave visiting random aunts-in-law and uncles-in-law, and everyone wants to make their own decisions about how they spend their holidays with their children (none of which include having them sit around great-aunts' houses doing nothing).

They sold the second house after 8 years. Now they have no second home and blame their DC for it.

It's reasonable to keep boundaries with extended family. How about saying once every 18 months to your DH? That's what we currently do to my parents' house which is 10 hours' drive and a very daunting journey with multiple small children. I wouldn't commit to anything much with ILs though. It's perfectly reasonable to say the logistics and cost is too much at this stage and you'll have to see how you go.

I think people do have these grand plans for how often children will visit them but that doesn't always work out.

We deliberately took control of it and booked our own accommodation and had a really good time, but we didn’t plan to see MIL/FIL while we were there. DH told them we wanted to have a low-key trip and see family in small groups.

Well this seems rather odd. You were in the same country as your inlaws but wanted to stay hidden from them? No wonder your DH is finding it a bit awkward.

I would stick to your guns about choosing your own holiday destinations whilst double and triple explaining the limits of annual leave and covering school holidays if necessary - but the situation you describe above sounds just rather antagonistic.

Why did you go but not plan to see PILs? That seems odd. I get not staying with them, but surely you either see them a few times or go elsewhere on holiday?

100% it’s strange to have not planned to see them at all. No wonder they want you to stay in their house. It’s hard to know how legit you are op, because does ‘history of boundary pushing’ equate to ‘expected to see their own child and his family while on holiday in the same place seeing wider family’? If so, yabvu.

This. Just this.

Yes do this, you will save holiday to reduce childcare at other times. If you were feeling generous you could drop them at the airport at the weekend, work all week and then fly out for a day or two at the end of the holiday and spend a little time on a flying visit to the relatives you all like.

I don't understand if it's the visits to this region in general (which sounds like where most of your in laws are?) you want to avoid, or specifically spending time at PIL's apartment.
If the former can DH go without you? No need to feel bad not accepting their generosity because as you say, the accommodation is counterbalanced by annual leave and what sounds like a stressful journey.
If the latter, I think you're fine to arrange your own accommodation so you can put stricter time limits on PIL, ideally find somewhere that has an obvious advantage they cant cater for in their place (eg a pool, a crèche, en suite). But if that means staying with other family rather than in a hotel then I see why they'd be hurt.

My late mum and dad bought an apartment in Spain.
No where near the sea. Not in an area we wanted to go.
Both brothers, sister and myself didn't want to go.
She only told us about it after the sale went through.
Got offended when we only went once.
Now they have both passed away it's become a nightmare.
Probate is being held up as the sale is a difficult one.

Do what YOU want to do don't be pleasing someone else.

@Toomanyemails no, the region is nice and the other relatives are nice. Ideally if we went we would stay in our own accommodation, not relatives and not PIL. Ideally we’d go without any pressure and it would be enjoyable.

It does sound weird that we didn’t intend to see them out there. They had stayed with us the fortnight before for three nights and it had been a tense visit. DH and his mum had a 3-hour heated exchange the following week and that’s when he told her we’d prefer the holiday to just see relatives and keep things calm. The last time we had been on holiday there (when DC were tiny) MIL made it extremely unpleasant. Lots of pressure to separate us from DC, feed salty chips to a 5mo, make comments about my mental health in another language to relatives etc. We left that holiday with DH and MIL not on talking terms, and we were keen for the July visit to see other relatives and not have MIL murkying the waters.

I guess there’s huge back story. Happy to be told if we sound batshit and unreasonable though. Hence posting in AIBU. I have moments of feeling really bad for MIL. She clearly so desperately wants a good relationship with GC, but can’t see that the relationship with DH or me is very difficult. How do you explain to someone who appears clueless why you won’t be going on holiday with them twice a year - which I imagine is what she’s aiming for??

@Meandhimtogether this sounds so similar! FIL didn’t even see the apartment before she bought it. And she told us after the sale was completed. Completely baffling to now be expecting us to come all the time.

I think she’d be very happy for DH to go on his own with the kids. Her dream in fact! So perhaps that’s what will happen.

Annual leave is precious, no chance would I be signing up to that.

If you do not set the tone out now it will be expected for the rest of their lives.