AIBU to limit the holidays we go on with in-laws?

[Toadstool101]

MIL has bought an apartment in a European country. She’s having it all kitted out for us to stay (blackout curtains for small DC, for example). We have never said we want to go to this European country lots. We can’t fly from a local airport, and have to pay for a London hotel (4 hour drive) to fly from a London airport, car hire on the other side and children’s car seats. It becomes very expensive for a holiday we don’t really want. She’s offering to pay for our flights and has asked us to go over summer holidays, Oct half term and how Feb half term. We’ve so far made excuses.

We both work and AL is limited and used mainly to cover school holidays. I can think of a million other holidays I’d rather go on. MIL and FIL are difficult company. Very intense and even DH spends a lot of time in the toilet when we’re with them. They don’t have an easy relationship. We see them about every months for 2-3 night stays and that’s plenty for me.

I’ve recently said to DH that we could go every other year with them. Even the thought of that makes me feel pretty wound up. I can tell DH would prefer to go at least every year and is feeling bad at how much his mum is asking and how awkward it’s becoming to keep saying no.

Should we suck it up and appreciate the generosity? Or is there a better way to clearly say no without hurting feelings?

That’s a lot if holidays.

Definitely go on your terms, not theirs, maybe once a year?

Your update makes things clearer. I guess it depends on what the arguments are about (not expecting you to share here). My PIL want things their way and we have had big rows in the past when we have gone against what they want. Now DH doesn't engage if they behave badly. It's usually by phone, so he doesn't answer until they have called down (usually a ranting voicemail will come first). He accepts that once calm, it will be forgotten and not apologised for, as they don't see it as wrong. In other ways we accommodate them e.g. allow them to choose the plans/restaurants when we visit even if they aren't ideal for us. It's not perfect but it's a workable compromise for us.

However it sounds like things may be worse for you. The holiday sounds stressful as you couldn't escape easily. I would avoid for now and maybe be frank about it. DH could say, 'look mum when we visited your house XYZ happened. Until we can have calm visits here, I'm not ready to have us holiday together and put us all under that stress'. A long term plan of DH visiting alone sounds workable, but sounds like it would be stressful for him too, and that's not great for the kids.

This would be my nightmare.
especially as its rural...so no activities to escape to...

Is the apartment big enough for all of you?

And is there any way you could go as a family without mil/fil?

I would not be up for holidays with mil she sounds massively overbearing.

Once youngest is 4 or so I'd happily tell my dh he is welcome to go with kids but i would NOT be up for it.
Id also consider sending him with just youngest.

Can’t the grandparents take your children with them to stay at the apartment during a school holiday or two. That way they get time with the grandchildren without you having to endure them and you get help during the school holidays. Win win situation in my eyes.

This is uncannily familiar! In laws have a house in a fairly rural area of a country I like but I don’t want to spend all my annual leave in. We also have different ideas of what is a good holiday. I don’t want to spend my time driving around various attractions that are a worse version of what we have locally (have some amazing NT places near us so are spoilt) in weather that is the same at home. Yes the accommodation is free but with flights and car hire and £££ on attractions it ends up not being that different to our preferred week at the beach in a small Spanish resort.

DH is welcome to go, but I am not willing to go for more than a week a year. We see in laws regularly in the UK so it’s not about not spending time with them, just that what we like to do on holidays is very different to them.

My first thought: Would I use annual leave and spend hundreds of pounds to go on holiday to an uninteresting place with people I find difficult? Hmmm, let me get back to you on that one.

Going by the fact you stayed in the vicinity but didn't visit them, I'm guessing the "difficult company" means what it says and then more i.e. it is just unpleasant and if you are with them you are willing the time away until you can leave, like having an obnoxious relative round for Christmas dinner. Unfortunately people like that often have dreadful situational awareness and/or will never realise or admit they are a PITA, and being family it does make dealing with it problematic. Older people can be very selfish, they think having existed on the planet for a number of decades entitles them to have everything their way, and don't stop to consider any consequences to other people.

I think you have to avoid turning into a people pleaser and put your own health (both physical and mental) first. That is not being selfish it is healthy self-care. I like the suggestion of the husband going with the children. If they keep harassing you, you may just have to be honest and blunt with them, along the lines of Del Boy's suggestion to Rodney in the episode To Hull And Back: "M/FIL, you're giving me the hump, now go away and haunt someone else."

If they're offering to pay for your flights and the accommodation is free I'd go once a year. Whilst you're there you can go off exploring on your own and even stay somewhere else for a couple of nights. You don't have to spend the whole week with them.

I think the expense of paying for a hotel only 4 hours away is totally unnecessary though. We live in Cornwall, closest decent airport is Bristol and never paid for a hotel. Yes it makes for a long day but saves £££

Yes that does paint a different picture. You've acted rather oddly.

Why would you book a holiday to the place they live and not expect to see them? You've said they are difficult company, but you don't come across amazing.

If you don't like them, you don't like them. But they are your husband's parents and I presume you knew what they were like before you married him. Theyve been very generous and sound accommodating and fun. You need to compromise or let him go with the kids alone, which sounds ideal.

Yeah it's a good shout in my opinion as others have suggested that you go every other year & your hubby every year with the kids. It will help spread annual leave and frankly give you a bit of space 👌. Little freedom for a week 😉. Also it gives your MIL chance to spend time with your hubby with reduced complexity in multiple fractious relationships. It might also mean he can stay with them the year he goes alone as he's used to navigating the difficulties with them; as the son. Everyone happier all round 👌

How to be controlling whilst wrapping it up as a lovely gift … award goes to mil

you need to get dh to understand this isn’t a gift because it comes with massive expectations and strings

You need to make your position clear up front. We have an apartment abroad and either my Mum or MIL always wanted to come out and join us for some of our holiday - problem is all living under one roof. My Mum and I get on like a house on fire but we don’t do well living together. Don’t get me started on MIL. Anyway fortunately the apartment isn’t huge and as my DC have grown there isn’t enough room. They still join us for part of our summer holiday but stay in a nearby hotel, which works better for everyone.