Boyfriend/Girlfriend Invitation Etiquette

[U53rName]

What’s the etiquette on when to start inviting boyfriends/girlfriends to family events, like Christmas or family birthday celebrations? DNephew is in 6th Form and has had a GF for about a year. DH thinks we should invite her. GF is lovely and I would love for her to join us, and we can just squeeze one more person in space-wise. But am I opening Pandora’s Box here? We have several teens in the family, and if they all get BFs/GFs and we’ve set the expectation that BFs/GFs are invited to family events, we just won’t have the space. MIL is very old-fashioned and INSISTS that everyone sit at the dining room table—so there won’t be a possibility for the teens to spread out—we will just have to cross our fingers that only one teen has a BF/GF at a time, or there will be disappointment that one was allowed to, but others aren’t. This is the first GF in that generation of the family and I want to set out as I mean to go on, with fairness to all of the cousins in mind.

YABU = invite the GF
YANBU = don’t invite the GF

Maybe ask bil/sil if they would like you to invite her. Seems a nice thing to do. I'm afraid mil would have to live with it. Not her house not her decision.

Also going to make it harder when they break up

Under 18s or still at school I wouldn't.

I would invite to all events except Christmas but maybe do a pre Christmas? In our family at least it only tends to be when people are engaged/ married/ have kids that they come for Christmas day (you don't want to rush into the whole alternating thing you'll only see your ds every other year then and 6th form is really young for that.

Surely it's up to his parents to decide what's appropriate - whichever one is your/your dh's sibling? Not really up to you to invite her.

If it's your house then you decide not the mother in law!

How strange.

I wouldn’t have wanted mine to start being treated as a unit at that age so I wouldn’t invite a bf/gf of a relative. In the future as they grow older and start coupling up you could host more buffet style if space is limited.

I would ask nephews parents what they think on this one

Fair enough. I think it says hey come to a random relative of your boyfriend's house because you must not have any where else you'd rather be.

Could she come after the meal if you are having drinks and games (if you are that type of family 😄)

Exactly. MIL doesn’t get to dictate how you do things in YOUR house. I think I’d be flexible, move with the times and be welcoming if people want to bring partners. If that means a buffet then a buffet it is.

Thanks everyone. Reading these replies has made me think I’ll hold off this year. They are still in 6th form, and it’s a sit-down meal at the table together. I still remember how intimidated I was the first time I came to one of these events at the table with DH’s family, and I was 26! It would be pretty scary for a 17 year-old—everyone staring at you.

If it's your house why would MIL get to insist anything? Just allow people to spread out and not have everyone at the table.

If MIL has a problem then she can host next time.

I'd say from about 16/17 onwards if they've been together a year or so.
That's what we do in my extended family. My children and their cousins( now in 20s and 30s) have had various serious relationships since sixth form age and some are now married, the gf/bf were invited for Christmas, weddings, big birthdays etc, sometimes they came, sometimes not, depending on what their own families were doing, one cousin's girlfriend has come for Christmas day practically since they started going out as her parents had split and neither did anything nice for Christmas, so she loves our family get togethers.
Sometimes these relationships don't last, but others have gone on to get married, it's actually quite a good way of sussing out what the family thinks about a gf or bf.
My own son who is now married, been with his wife for 14 years since age 20, had a previous girlfriend from 15 to 19, that gf came to some boxing days, a family wedding, they were still at school then, and his now wife started coming to family events after about a year, she didn't come for Christmas day itself until several years into their relationship and then they alternated.
If your child feels serious about the person I think it's nice to invite them to the family events.

For Christmas, we used to bring the garden table in and put it at the end of the dining table.
At a squash, we could seat 16 people, borrowed chairs, some sitting on stools, it was a squeeze but fun.
Yes, invite the gf, the more the merrier!

At that age I would expect them to still be having Christmas with family. They are way too young to be doing the couple balancing act of my side or your side.

wait until people are living together, someone brings a relationship home from university or living far away to meet the family, or they are both 18+ and have been dating several years.

I agree she should be invited but I wouldn’t necessarily expect her to accept.

It really doesn’t have to be a big deal.

Hey SIL - if DN wants to invite GF for Boxing Day that’s cool - let us know if she wants to join us.

And then leave it up to your nephew to invite her. He might not want to but he will probably appreciate the option. Some families do nothing at all on Boxing Day and if she is nice I don’t see the harm.

My own nephew is 16 and if he has a GF I expect my parents etc would leave an open invitation to her to attend any family gatherings.

Although some of these responses make it clear why my poor brother’s GF thought she wasn’t invited to Christmas this year, despite attending Christmas last year and going to every family event including weddings in the three years they have been together because my mum hadn’t explicitly invited her. My own DH explained to her that as a partner of one of us “kids” they are literally always invited to everything!

If she’s 16 surely she’ll be having dinner with her own family? Maybe invite her for drinks/movie/games/whatever in the evening.

I'd always just offer a plus one to teens. It may be their b/gf or just a mate. Simply as it can seem more appealing to them if they know they've got someone their age to talk to/sneak out for a smoke with etc.
They can choose who they bring. If they want to come alone then fine. But unless they've been together for a year plus and the gf is very close then I'd not necessarily invite them by name.
Once they're 18 plus, working etc. you'd get more of a semblance of inviting their partner specifically.

My DS is 18, his GF is coming to us for Christmas. They have been together 6 months, however her family is Eastern European and celebrate orthodox Christmas so she isn’t missing a family celebration and he will join them for theirs in January.

I don't think it's likely someone that age would invite a BF or GF for Christmas? I can see it if a bit older in a committed relationship, or if the girl or boy's family lived abroad or something.
Your MIL has no say here, though I too would want everyone at the same table! Has this lad asked if he can bring her? Has your sister/brother or whatever parent of this nephew asked?
Once numbers get unruly then it will just have to be more along the lines of some other halves this year some the next, though I expect your relatives will be going to their partners' families (or hosting their own) not just always going to yours.

I would just tell your nephew he's welcome to bring his girlfriend and leave it up to him/her, no pressure to attend as she could well be busy with her own family things on Boxing Day. I also wouldn't be letting MIL dictate seating arrangements in your own home. It's quite acceptable for teens to sit at another table or in the lounge for food if you're tight on space.

No. Far too young and far too far removed from you.

If it were your dc, and she were used to popping in and out of your house and was comfortable with that and your immediate family, that would be different.

If it were a NYE party, where people mingle, and the youngsters would naturally gravitate in the one room. That would be different.

If it were a BBQ in your garden in the Summer, that would be different.

But squashing everyone in to a formal meal, no. Don't get involved.