Unhelpful help: AIBU?

[weebitbonkers]

I'm getting my accounts together to give to my accountant. There are a lot of bits of paper and I'm running short of paperclips, staples and folders to sort everything into.

My DP of 23 years is going into town to pick up something for himself and will be within 100m of a stationery shop, so I asked if he'd nip in there for me. I gave him a list of items I need: large and medium silver paperclips (examples clipped to the list), staples (sample stapled to the list), a pack of 25 transparent L-shaped plastic folders (I've shown him an example), a box of large rubber bands and a large roll of Sellotape.

Instead of doing it willingly I've just had to endure 15 minutes of 'You don't need any of this, it's ridiculous, I've got everything you need in my study.' He stomped off with a huge sigh and returned several minutes later with a dozen multi-coloured plastic paperclips, some of them twisted and broken, some brown cardboard folders and a near-empty stapler. I explained calmly that I probably need at least 50 staples and 50 paperclips and that anything left over can be used next year or the year after. I also explain that I like to use transparent folders so that I and the accountant can see which file is my self-employed earnings, my bank statements, my PAYE and pension info or interest statements... I've been doing this for 30 years, I know what works.

Instead of giving in gracefully he kept up the argument that I didn't need any stationery. So eventually I said 'Okay, don't worry, I'll go into town later and pick up what I need.' At which point he started the 'Oh, don't do that martyr act on me, you're always getting at me, whatever I do is wrong.' Which really isn't true at all. He's finally gone off with a 'I'll see what I can find, but I'm not spending hours in there looking for your stuff.'

Is this familiar behaviour to anyone? He doesn't do it often but this has happened before. I pick up stuff for him all the time without any fuss but this has clearly thrown him.He's going to the bike shop to buy himself a Christmas present: a bike pannier that costs the best part of £200. Why is he making such a fuss about walking 100m up the road to buy £20 of stationery for me?

He's now home. He couldn't find any of the things I needed, apparently. I'll have to go out later. I'm sure Tescos will have folders and paperclips and sellotape at least.

I've just had to endure 15 minutes of 'You don't need any of this, it's ridiculous, I've got everything you need in my study.'

Yet he really needs a bike pannier that costs £200? I don't suppose you have some old saddlebag somewhere that you are not using that you could offer to him as an alternative. See how that would go down!

I'm 100% with your partner, that is ridiculous and a total waste of time, effort and money.

I've been self employed for years and I've never used a single staple, elastic band, piece of sellotape or plastic folder when giving my stuff to my accountant! I do use paperclips but I use whatever happens to be lying around, any colour, any size, any type it really doesn't make any difference to the accountant if your paperclips match or not.

......I sent a copy of your shopping list (only that, nothing about the situation or your difference of opinion) to my accountant and a couple of friends who are accountants. Two have come back and have said that staples and stuff in slippy plastic folders are the bane of their life and they hate them with a passion.

None of them can work out why you'd need sellotape and elastic bands

All three definitely don't care about matching paperclips all are highly amused.

I know. 94% of the time we are good together, and then just occasionally he behaves like this — really, really unhelpfully — and it brings me up short. Was it so difficult, when he was cruising round town in the car, to find somewhere that sells stationery?

DH can be like that, but only if it's essential. I certainly get the everything I do is wrong at least once a week.

Wèll good for you, but given that you have repeatedly referred to the OP's partner of 23 years as her son, it seems you don't have much of an eye for detail.

I think the answer probably lies with the bike pannier. He's been trying to make his mind up which one to get for weeks and today is the big day — and then I go and ruin it by asking him to make a 10-minute detour.

OP is wasting time?? Unlike you who is contacting accountants to ask their view on staples????

OP, your husband is being a wanker. Maybe you should pick up Christmas treats for you and not him, since using a list is soooo difficult. (Or maybe you can send him off to hang out with MintShaker, who sounds like another miserable bastard) 😂😂

This is irrelevant posturing.

If your partner asks you to take a small detour to go and get things that they think they need - you do it, unless you're a know-it-all insufferable arse suffering from weaponised incompetence.

I once read a quote that said something along the lines of "if you expect everyone in life to have the same heart as you do, you will be bitterly disappointed" and I'm afraid it's the truth. Some people (and it's generally women I'm afraid), just do things without question for others whilst some are totally self-centred. My husband huffs and puffs if I ask him for a favour but will generally help out. There are some people in my life however who are totally selfish. It really hurts if your thoughtfulness isn't reciprocated. I know that's not why we do things for others but if it's always you and never them, there comes a time when you have to call them out on it !

He just really didn’t want to faff about looking for all that stuff in a stationery shop. And I can see his point. If you need such specific items then you should have gone yourself, instead of derailing his trip out to treat himself to new bike kit.

@MintShaker you’re nuts! You contacted several accountants at Xmas to share a list of things you’d seen on a MN thread?! Get a life.

I agree. If I'm going to shop for something nice for myself I absolutely do not want a long list of very specific, fiddly items from an unfamiliar shop. In the time it took op to put together the list she could have gone to the shop herself.

If you've managed without them in your day to day business then do without.

My accountant gets everything scanned in and an excel file tying it all together.

Sure you did 😂

And Op - it was a very short list of things that were easily purchased, you weren't unreasonable. The reason why you wanted them is irrelevant really.

I’m really quite embarrassed for you. Either that you contacted some accountants to check or that you are pretending to. Really embarrassing.

Where on earth does it say that?

They edited the post, where a post says “edited” in a box at the bottom, if you click on it you can see the edit history c

OP I can totally see your frustration, if I asked my husband to get me XYZ, even if it was ridiculous to get, he would either say “of course” and go get it or “sorry babe it’s a bit too out of my way/some reasonable excuse”
He wouldn’t challenge my need for said items, I mean he may say I have ABC would they do/help

I think the point most people are missing is it’s the huffing and puffing at being dared to ask a favour from his wife and then STILL not getting it on what was him purposefully doing so, that is hurtful and frustrating as most of us would reasonably put ourselves out to help our spouse and not having it reciprocated is a kick in the teeth!

OP i think you are well within your right to point out your hurt/disappointment at his lack of willing to do this for you and ask if he would expect the same from you if he needed a favour you deemed ‘pointless’?

I've experienced similar behaviour from my son who is 16 and autistic and for him it's rooted in anxiety- he'd be majorly thrown by a last minute change in plans and then by having to go to a different shop and then maybe (oh horror) ask a shop assistant where something was. All this anxiety would be covered by arguing.

But unless your dp is also autistic there's probably a different reason for his unhelpfulness.

I think your DP should have just got what you asked but can see why it might have thrown him if he was very preoccupied with planning his big purchase.
I have to offer some feedback though, all this paper for your tax return gives me the shakes, as accountant myself. I suppose the clips, folders etc are useful to keep things tidy, if you insist on providing the accounts on paper. But please ask your accountant about using some form of cloud technology going forward, like Xero. It can connect to your bank account, so no need for statements or keying in the transactions. You can send in digital documents to match against the bank, it will do that too. It makes the accountant’s job much easier, and if you send in the stuff when you get it, as opposed to 1 month before the tax return deadline, you will have a tax estimate much earlier. HMRC are changing the rules so you might be forced to do it this way going forward anyway. My advice is to embrace it.

I think you’re both a bit unreasonable. I can’t believe you actually gave him example paperclips and staples.