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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He cheated - what should I ask him?

47 replies

theprincessthepea · 19/12/2024 13:21

I’ve seen so many of these posts! Partner cheats and we’ve just had a baby! So it’s crazy that I’m writing one.

Ive seen presents from his “friend” and a picture, framed of the 2 of them looking lovely dovey with a quote that says something along the lines of “everytime we touch” - quoting some song lyric.

Anyway, we have been living separately for a few months as our landlord wanted their property back. Everything affordable was far from work and school (I have an older child) - so Im staying with mum and he stayed with a friend (guy friend - I often visit and he comes over) - due to family traditions we can’t live together at my parents (for anyone wondering). Finding somewhere at the moment has been hard without needing to uproot my eldest and start over further away.

So I was at his, I’ve seen this picture and gift. I haven’t confronted him yet. I’m feeling numb, angry, mad!!!! I’m pretty independent - own finances and income etc. I’m not worried about being a single parent (although I’m so dissappointed in my self that this has happened again!). We have an 8 month old. So I’m aware if we coparent I’ll go down the CMS route (All I’ve done is think for the past 2 days it’s driving home MAD).

Im going to talk to him about it tomorrow and I have written the questions I want to know. But what should I ask him to get the truth? What worked for you if you’ve been in this situation.

Although I’m sooooo mad! And I always told myself I would leave - a part of me wants to open up the chance to start again - but I’m aware I am doing this as convenience as when living together we had a great routine and stability - and we generally get on. This is my AIBU.

Thoughts? And what questions should I ask.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 19/12/2024 13:37

I wouldn't ask him anything - I'd just say that you're aware he's seeing someone else and it's over. Then get financial support sorted out with CMS and make arrangements for him to see the baby as and when it's convenient for you. Don't go down the route of wanting to know all the gory details of his affair - it will only hurt you and distract you from the practical steps you need to take now. Be as cold hearted and factual as you can. Get support from your family and friends. Honestly, don't drive yourself mad wanting to know exactly what and who and where etc. He cheated. That's enough for you to walk away.

Crikeyalmighty · 19/12/2024 13:44

I'm not sure you will ever feel the same OP- you can't unsee what you have seen -I would however tell him so -

Doggymummar · 19/12/2024 13:45

When do you want to see the baby?

jannier · 19/12/2024 13:46

He will lie whatever you ask

Rickrolypoly · 19/12/2024 13:50

Honestly, nothing- what is the point?

CowGirl19 · 19/12/2024 14:05

Endofyear · 19/12/2024 13:37

I wouldn't ask him anything - I'd just say that you're aware he's seeing someone else and it's over. Then get financial support sorted out with CMS and make arrangements for him to see the baby as and when it's convenient for you. Don't go down the route of wanting to know all the gory details of his affair - it will only hurt you and distract you from the practical steps you need to take now. Be as cold hearted and factual as you can. Get support from your family and friends. Honestly, don't drive yourself mad wanting to know exactly what and who and where etc. He cheated. That's enough for you to walk away.

This....... First post tells you all you need.

HPandthelastwish · 19/12/2024 14:08

I wouldn't ask him anything. I wouldn't want closure or to try and make amends, he's cheated and that's that the relationship will never be the same again, so it's over.

Catza · 19/12/2024 14:20

I don't think you need to ask anything at all. Except maybe what both do you should do to get over it as a couple. But that is providing you want to stay with him and can fully move on.
If you think this is the end for you then there is really no point in going over the detail. It's likely to make you more upset.
You know the main bit - he's been seeing someone else. That's enough information.

Original poster
theprincessthepea · 19/12/2024 14:20

Thanks for being so honest. It feels like you are all correct despite me wanting to know more answers but feeling like he will lie anyway.

OP posts:
HeyPrestoVinegar · 19/12/2024 14:22

Nothing at all. It's good that your financially independent and not even living with him.
Tell him you don't find him attractive at all anymore, so the relationship is over.

MoodEnhancer · 19/12/2024 14:23

Endofyear · 19/12/2024 13:37

I wouldn't ask him anything - I'd just say that you're aware he's seeing someone else and it's over. Then get financial support sorted out with CMS and make arrangements for him to see the baby as and when it's convenient for you. Don't go down the route of wanting to know all the gory details of his affair - it will only hurt you and distract you from the practical steps you need to take now. Be as cold hearted and factual as you can. Get support from your family and friends. Honestly, don't drive yourself mad wanting to know exactly what and who and where etc. He cheated. That's enough for you to walk away.

Could not agree more with this. Good luck, OP.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 19/12/2024 14:25

Whatever you ask, there is no guarantee that he will reply truthfully anyway. He could go down the route of 'Nothing is going on, she is obsessed with me' route.

Original poster
theprincessthepea · 19/12/2024 16:08

True @GeorgeMichaelsCat but I hoped that I would get some closure knowing that I’ve asked and seen his reaction.

I guess I’m also upset and almost embarrassed that the second relationship took this turn and I’m hoping to recover something. It would be much easier without kids involved.

But I understand it’s a time waster.

OP posts:
burntheleaves · 19/12/2024 16:28

Out of interest what is this family tradition that precludes you living together at your mums house but is ok with you sharing a child?

TheIranianYoghurtIsNotTheIssueHere · 19/12/2024 16:42

To leave.

And start planning your new life without the cheating shitbag.

MissMoneyFairy · 19/12/2024 16:48

I'd ask if he is in a relationship with xxxx, who is she, if so what arrangements is he planning to support your baby financially, let him go to court if he wants visitation.

olderbutwiser · 19/12/2024 17:00

If you want to salvage the relationship for reasons of love rather than convenience, then there are questions you can ask him and some for you to think about.

But if you want to split then it’s just the practical stuff, as PP have said. What difference would it make for you to know did they sleep together, when first, where, how often, was she good in bed/better than you, was it just sex or love etc etc. And why would he tell you anyway?

FuriousPoodle · 19/12/2024 17:05

By asking these questions you are giving them both the opportunity to get a buzz out of your distress.

justusandthecat · 19/12/2024 17:18

From past experience it doesn't matter what you ask or what he answers. You won't believe him, he's a cheat so you can't trust a word he says. I asked the same questions a dozen different ways to see if he would trip himself up. He never did but I still didn't believe him because I knew he could lie convincingly because he had been lying every time he met up with her. I spent the better part of 3 months driving myself insane checking and asking and rewording before I walked away.

unsync · 19/12/2024 17:19

I wouldn't bother, he's not worth your time. You mentioned this has happened before. When you are back on your feet, it might be worth your while to examine why and take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again. There's nothing wrong with being single. Take care of yourself. 💐

Original poster
theprincessthepea · 24/12/2024 01:53

@unsync the cheating hasn’t happened before - but I became a single mum after my first relationship broke down over a decade ago - so I’m more upset that I’m here 10+ years later.

I did speak to him. He denied it. Said she’s just a friend and reminded me of the many times he has told me about her. I showed the picture to a friend abd she said it looks intimate. Over the weeekend I’ve seen him texturing other female names. I told him I’m done as I hate the ways this situation has made feel.

OP posts:
Copperoliverbear · 24/12/2024 02:56

I would not ask him anything, he will only lie, I would tell him it's over and would not be offering co parenting of a baby, he could come and see the baby at mine and would not co parent until the baby was older and if I'm totally honest I'd be hoping he'd just leave us to it and not ask for overnights or anything.

ThinWomansBrain · 24/12/2024 03:03

Looking on the bright side, at least you don't need to negotiate him moving out.

SALaw · 24/12/2024 05:17

You mum was unreasonable refusing to allow the family to stay together. The horse has clearly bolted on you not sleeping together pre marriage and keeping the family together should have been a priority. I'm not excusing him cheating but it created a separation.

Catza · 24/12/2024 07:54

theprincessthepea · 24/12/2024 01:53

@unsync the cheating hasn’t happened before - but I became a single mum after my first relationship broke down over a decade ago - so I’m more upset that I’m here 10+ years later.

I did speak to him. He denied it. Said she’s just a friend and reminded me of the many times he has told me about her. I showed the picture to a friend abd she said it looks intimate. Over the weeekend I’ve seen him texturing other female names. I told him I’m done as I hate the ways this situation has made feel.

Well done for finding the strength to walk away. It feels like hell right now but you will be stronger for it.
I lost all the warmth for my ex partner the minute I relised that he wasn't man enough to give me the truth. I felt disrespected and that was my hard line. But it is important to remember that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Your only job now is to honour your feelings and try your best to forgive (from a distance) so that this awful experience does not own your next relationship.