He cheated - what should I ask him?

[theprincessthepea]

I’ve seen so many of these posts! Partner cheats and we’ve just had a baby! So it’s crazy that I’m writing one.

Ive seen presents from his “friend” and a picture, framed of the 2 of them looking lovely dovey with a quote that says something along the lines of “everytime we touch” - quoting some song lyric.

Anyway, we have been living separately for a few months as our landlord wanted their property back. Everything affordable was far from work and school (I have an older child) - so Im staying with mum and he stayed with a friend (guy friend - I often visit and he comes over) - due to family traditions we can’t live together at my parents (for anyone wondering). Finding somewhere at the moment has been hard without needing to uproot my eldest and start over further away.

So I was at his, I’ve seen this picture and gift. I haven’t confronted him yet. I’m feeling numb, angry, mad!!!! I’m pretty independent - own finances and income etc. I’m not worried about being a single parent (although I’m so dissappointed in my self that this has happened again!). We have an 8 month old. So I’m aware if we coparent I’ll go down the CMS route (All I’ve done is think for the past 2 days it’s driving home MAD).

Im going to talk to him about it tomorrow and I have written the questions I want to know. But what should I ask him to get the truth? What worked for you if you’ve been in this situation.

Although I’m sooooo mad! And I always told myself I would leave - a part of me wants to open up the chance to start again - but I’m aware I am doing this as convenience as when living together we had a great routine and stability - and we generally get on. This is my AIBU.

Thoughts? And what questions should I ask.

You don't trust him so that's that.

If you ask and he says he didn't cheat then you won't ever really believe him.

If you ask and he admits it then would you want to forgive him?

If you did try to forgive and carry on, do you really think you'd ever reach a point where you trusted him?

Once the trust is gone the relationship is done in my eyes. Trying to force it is exhausting and painful and very unlikely to result in a successful long term relationship.

@InfoSecInTheCity @Catza I agree. The warmth and trust is gone and I hate how paranoid ‘be started becoming. I don’t believe anything he says. He mentioned he was buying perfum for his mum for Christmas and I doubted that! How can one live like that? I’m not sure if that paranoia ever goes away. And I hate being the one that checks his phone - our relationship never used to be like this.

@SALaw I do agree with you to an extent. The same thing happened with my ex - I was young and my mum decided to hate him. I believe it definitely added to the reason why we didn’t stay together. In this instance I agree there are no excuses - but it’s not as if I don’t see him at all. He should be faithful.

If he's cheated, he will have no problem lying.to your face. You will drive your self insane looking to him for closure. Been there!! You got his, you don't need to lying dead weights around!

We don't know this. She's probably feeling s**t enough right now and this isn't helpful.

Hi OP. I totally, totally hear you. My partner had a full affair with another woman. Deep down I knew this was happening but had no proof. When I did get the proof I needed I took some time to think a) if I wanted to continue the relationship b) what information did I need to know c) how will I confront him about this.
I saw you said he'd done this 'again'. This is where we differ. I'm confident my partner had one affair. I'm not sure I could/would forgive if he were to do that again so you need to have a think how you feel about that.

What you also need to know is why he did this, and if HE wants to continue the relationship. This will never work unless you are both completely committed to understanding that this takes time and effort. It can be done. Our first year was super hard and you will look for evidence he is still doing this anywhere you think you will find it. He will have to accept this and be willing to be a total open book with you. After all, it's his actions that have caused this. However, you will need to at some point stop keep looking for that. It took me to get past a 'year of firsts' to start to let go. Our first Christmas post affair was super hard because I was angry I'd found out he'd seen her on Xmas day. It did get easier.

If he doesn't want to continue the relationship, I would really advise you don't insist on details, at this point there is no point in torturing yourself with this information.

If he does he will need to understand that what he's done has shattered the trust in your relationship and he needs to come up with ways he is going to put that right and fix it. Please, do not go down the trackers route (we never did this but I know this won't help) but there are many other things he can be doing...being open with his phone, communicating with you openly etc.

In fairness my partner has been a total open book. If he was going anywhere he asked me if I wanted to come along, he uses his phone openly in front of me now instead of keeping it hidden in his pocket until I left the room like he did before. If he wants to repair the damage he's caused he will continue to make a change and understand it will take time for you to feel secure in that relationship again and it's him that needs to put the effort in to help you feel secure. Be realistic, there will be bumps along the way, being open and able to talk about what happened that triggered these feelings will help...that's if he's going to understand this and respond appropriately to help work through that.

You will also need to be a bit conscious though, that you're not constantly accusing and you will need to acknowledge the effort he's making (if he does that). What you don't want is for you to be on at him all the time to the point where it feels to him like it's just not worth him putting the effort in to repair it any more.

Sorry for the long post, but this is a really difficult subject...I know.

On short, the best advice I can give you is:

1. Decide if you want to continue the relationship
2. If you don't, don't ask questions...it will just upset you more. Close that book and move on.
3. Tell him you know, and ask him if he wants to try again. If he does, then you need to ask all the questions you feel you need answers too...and he needs to answer them honestly even if he thinks that will hurt you. Getting everything out on the table is what's needed so you can work through it. If he is unwilling to even do this bit honestly, you have your answer to how committed he is(n't).
4. When you have the answers you need take a day or 2 to think again if you want to sort this.
5. Ask him what he is going to do to repair it. Don't tell him what he has to do so he can never say you made him do that.

You can recover from an affair, but you both have to be willing to work at it with maturity and be prepared for the long haul as it will take time, a long time!

I hope this comment (all be it it very long) is more helpful than those who are telling you what to do or what they would do. And whatever happens, whether you separate or make another go of things, I hope you find some happiness xxxx

When I found out my ex cheated on me, I asked one question .

Did you have safe sex?

I never spoke to him again …but no children involved .

So having been in a similar situation with no closure if you can get some answers it will help you make sense of things and not let your imagination take over… I would actually calmly ask him if he has anything he wants to tell you and give him the opportunity to tell you first?

in terms of plans for coparenting, have a look at the parenting plans on the cafcass website (I am a Family Court Adviser) and try and think about plans moving forward for him spending time with your little one… if you can avoid it going down the court route I would really recommend it x

Thanks @mumofamudmagnet - this is the first time he has cheated - that I know of. I meant again, meaning that I may be a single mum again! Which is frustrating.

Your advice is very useful. He has completely denied having an affair with the woman in the picture. I have seen his phone and he is speaking to someone else. I’m taking a break from everything right now to make Christmas special for the kids but I will confront him about the text messages that hve pooped up over the last few days.

I guess if he doesn’t come clean or have a good explanation then I can’t be with him as my imagination is going wild and I’m struggling to trust anything he says or does right now.

@BlueSkies1981 I want to avoid court for sure - if we have to coparent I believe he will cooperate.but let’s see…

He has completely denied having an affair with the woman in the picture

do you believe that? What is his explanation for that pic with those words on the frame?

You separated when you decided that you'd have to live apart - you couldn't tell your parents that it was the whole family or non of you! This is on you!

It was either that or having nowhere to live. Think I’d lice separately for a little bit then in a hostel or rubbish BnB as a family where kids are involved. We both made the decision. We did look at houses but everything was unaffordable. I can see the role that the separation plays - but we agreed that we were still together. So I don’t think your “theory” makes sense.

He has told me about this friend and has shown me pictures so I recognise her. They’ve known eachother for a few years - before he met me. He said that he was gifted the picture last year and it doesn’t mean anything. She decided to gift it to him as a friend.

His story didn’t make sense.

I don’t buy it. I showed a friend of mine (I took a pic of it) and she agreed that they just look so intimate and why would someone add those lyrics if there isn’t anything romantic happening.

Aw op I lived this with my 1 yo and then found out that it was all just the tip of the ice berg after months of marriage counselling and working at it and giving it all my energy and he just pretended to do the same. If I was ever in the same shoes (hope I never am again) I'd just be gathering as much evidence of infidelity and bank/ pay info as possible and asking them to leave.

I stayed initially because I didn't want to have ds part time and I really wanted him to grow up with a stable family and those are valid reasons. But I never felt the same about him, I never fully trusted him again and it was heavy to carry around all the time. And all it did in the end up was kick divorce a little further down the road.

It's up to you whether you stay or go. But if you do decide you want to stay he needs to tell you absolutely everything, leave nothing out, protect you from none of it, minimise none of it, cut all contact permanently even if that means a new job, and he needs to work out off his own bat that this is his mess to fix, it's his shit to own, none of this is on you and he needs to just suck up and go with whatever you're feeling and do whatever is in his power to make you feel secure. And he needs to do all of that in the knowledge that it might never be enough.

You need to surround yourself with support and make sure you always have the means to support yourself. The bit I found hard was that I was then in a position where I was trying to work on my marriage and at the same time squirrel away what I'd need to safeguard myself and ds should he let us down again and I'm glad I did. Personally I think you've made the right decision by going.

Why would your family want to see you in hostels and b&bs etc rather than as a family unit? Honestly the separation is, to me, a big contributing factor

I'm sorry to hear that. IMO, you can only make this work if he comes clean. If he can't/won't it will be really hard for you to move forward as a couple. My partner admitted having sex once at first. I knew this wasn't true. I told him that if he wanted me to even think about moving forward it needs to be all on the table. How could we build trust of he wasn't willing to even tell me the truth at this stage. The next day when we spoke he said he told me it was just once because I'm his mind the less I knew about the more chance we had of sorting things out. I explained that the more he lies the less we will be able to work it out....and then he told me the truth and answers any questions I had. It took me a week or so to think and process this and it hurt really bad.

But I'll be honest, if he hadn't have done that there's no way we could have ever made it work. I'd never have trusted him ever again.

This is about accountability. If he wants to fix this he will be honest with you and put in the effort to make it work. If he can't tell you the truth now....you have your answer. Xx

My thoughts are that you should dump him for the vest opportunity of offering stability to your children.

On a practical level, he already lives away from you so you just need to emotionally disentangle yourself.

Imo you'd be silly to work towards moving in together and you should focus on making a settled home for you and your kids rather than tying yourself in knots to make it work with a boyfriend because you have bigger fish to fry and you're wasting your energy non the wrong things.

but you are not living together and have split up. How has he cheated? Apologies if I read that incorrectly.

Just the one question; "Do you think you'll be done packing your bags in ten minutes?"

So what evidence do you have of him cheating?
A picture in a frame ...are they kissing in the picture?
It's very subjective your friend saying it looks "intimate"...I think anyone could look intimate in a picture.
You says there are gifts...from her to him...are they inappropriate?
It seems very little to base a clear decision he's cheated...though on Mumsnet you'll get many people saying he obviously has !
But if you literally jump from seeing a picture of two friends together...to ltb...then I guess you don't trust him at all and I'm not sure the relationship is salvageable.

With kindness, I can advise he will tell you the absolute barest minimum- it's not in his interests to bare all.

Be independent of him and live your happiest life away from him. You do deserve so much more.

You have a child with him! An 8 month old child. Even if you ended it mistaking an innocent photo for a serious infidelity if he really loved you and cared about your child he would move heaven and earth to build the relationship back—he would beg, plead, prove, and work hard to support you and sll the children and would build a home for you so you could feel secure in the relationship.

When a man really loves you he will do whatever it takes to secure you. When he doesn’t he will say this or that but, ultimately, he doesn’t bother.

So based on a picture of him and a (female) friend that he was gifted by her over a year ago, and that you'd already seen photos of and knew they were friends, you're making an assumption he is cheating?

As you've seen this picture, I'm assuming it wasn't hidden in the bottom of a drawer?

And now you're accusing him of cheating as you've "seen his phone and he is speaking to someone else".

So your partner isn't allowed to have any female friends, nor talk to any females otherwise you'll accuse him of cheating?

What ACTUAL evidence do you have? You sound very insecure.

What half of the week is he doing with the kids