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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

.. more was I unreasonable, coz Dh thinks I was and isn't talking to me...

52 replies

shrinkingsagpuss · 01/05/2008 13:12

About 6 weeks ago, one of DH's work friends emailed to say they were organising a big meal out, and when could we all make it?

I didn't want to go, but forwarded the emal to DH.

They all have pots of money, they all know each other as they all worked together (DH'd and DW's). I'm the newbie.

DH came home and said it was booked for the 2nd (tomorrow). Its my first wek back at work after 10 months mat leave, so I'll be knackered. He didn't even ask me, he jsut agreed to go. I told him he'd have to find a babysitter for our two DC's.

This week, suddenyl he says, hvae we got a sitter? Well... no, as I told him to get one. I am now big bad DW. Iapparently I'm being deliberately obstructive. We are supposed to be meeting these friends about 20 miles away to eat at 7pm. My DC's won't be in bed by 6.30, they are barely out of the bath by then. We have no-one who can bath them and put them to bed, and I'm not preapred to pay a starnger from "sitters" to do it - not on a first time meeting anyway, it would be very unfair on the DC's.

AIBU?

OP posts:

NotABanana · 01/05/2008 14:22

She shouldn't have to be difficult to get out of something but why should she go if she'd rather not?

bergentulip · 01/05/2008 14:29

Because, notabanana, sometimes in this life, as a grown up, we all have to do things we'd rather not on occasions.

Sometimes I go to evenings out I would rather avoid for my DH, he does the same for me.

NotABanana · 01/05/2008 14:41

don't flipping well patronise me.

This man wil mkae her weekend hell if she doesn't go so actually I wouldn't go out of my way to do anything I didn't for him.

ComeOVeneer · 01/05/2008 14:46

Bergentulip, I also do things for my husband I would rather not on occasions however I wouldn't do it just so he didn't sulk the entire weekend and makes it unpleasant. If my dh behaved like the OPs is (not helping with the children/housework and basically behaving like a spoilt brat). he would be in for one hell of a shock.

FreddysTeddy · 01/05/2008 14:53

I've never understood couples who can't socialise without one another....

Blu · 01/05/2008 14:55

It sounds like quite a lot of communication betweeen you happens via 'refusing to communicate', sulking, 'not-speaking' behaving badly all weekend.

It is his fault because you told HIM to get the babysitter - except that in truth it does sound as if you threw the babysitter up as an issue which you thought / knew would be impossible, rather than saying 'this isn't a good plan, not practical'. And even if he had boooked a babysitter, it wouldn't be a good plan, because of your work etc. And kids bedtime.

Can you talk about the way you communicate between you? Find ways to be more direct and listen to, discuss and solve problems rather than 'ignore and proceed'? It does sound as if your DH is the worst culprit of all this - retailatory bad behaviour over a w/e is really a pathetic way to carry on.

Blu · 01/05/2008 14:55

FT - me too.

bergentulip · 01/05/2008 15:04

Yeah, ok, for DH to be stroppy for the weekend after is just childish. That would certainly provoke feelings of wanting to dig my heels in and be difficult, just because. Fair enough.

I also do not understand if people never do things without their DPs, how dull is that?, but I just saw notabananas comment out of context - ie, "don't wanna, then don't". With all the other factors, of course, different matter.

Apologies for being patronising. I suppose I did mean to be as I wrote it, but in hindsight, just pointless and childish on my part. Sorry.

BirdyArms · 01/05/2008 15:05

Personally I wouldn't put up with a dh who sulked because I didn't accompany him on a night out when we didn't have a sitter or if I was tired and didn't want to go - but maybe my dh does things that the op wouldn't put up with. If it meant a lot to my dh, which it sounds like it does to the op's dh, then I would make an effort to go along later. I think that the sulking is really a separate issue.

NotABanana · 01/05/2008 16:09

Apology accepted, bergentulip. Thank you.

Original poster

shrinkingsagpuss · 01/05/2008 16:19

Yes, i probably have constructed this problem by being difficult. I don't wabnt to go out. If it weren't my 1st week at work, or if we havd money to burn, then fair enough.

I have bee out with the friends before, so I do know them. I OBJECT on principle to being TOLD I am going out, and having DH behave like a spoilt child. It is the lack of consultation that pisses me off.

We haven't been out much, and to be fair, the surriogate g/ps are both our friends, so we ask them equally. so it isn't always me doing the organising.

I've been thinking about this on the way out. I could sort out a "sitter" through the organisation (but prob too short notice now), for once the DC's are in bed. But when do we eat? I wouldn't make it through the day without a decent meal, and there is too much to do once I get home from work. DH is on a half day, so its easy for him.

OP posts:

Blu · 01/05/2008 16:27

so couldn't he make you something to eat quickly once you get in?

Original poster

shrinkingsagpuss · 01/05/2008 16:31

um.... this is the man, who after lving here for 4 years still doesn't know where clean towels, ot eta towels are kept!!

he could but he'd have picked up both DC's from nursery, so he'll be mega stressed, as he rarely looks after them alone. DD will have needed her tea, which will have taken every ounce of his energy.

Am I a bit down on him? yup. coz its the reality. I work shifts, he has only ever bathed them ONCE. From next week, he's going to have to feed them both, bath them and get them into bed alone.

OP posts:

petitmaman · 01/05/2008 16:31

if you don't want to go then don't. he didn't book a bbsitter, his problem.
If you would like to go then get dc ready for bed early then let them chill with the babysitter with books /tv before bed.
for my dds this tv is a treat so they love that. (also useful if you want to relax/dress up before going out)

TheHedgeWitch · 01/05/2008 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

shrinkingsagpuss · 01/05/2008 17:15

did you miss the "no money" bit... we had a takeaway treat the other night, really can't do it v often. bad enough we've got t pay for the tickets fro this "show" - which have already been bought.

OP posts:

beaniesteve · 01/05/2008 17:24

Did you ask him to get a baby sitter?

SmugColditz · 01/05/2008 17:32

Your problems are bigger than one show.

TheHedgeWitch · 01/05/2008 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

shrinkingsagpuss · 01/05/2008 18:05

Yes, I asked him to get baby sitter.

Yes we could go, providing we have a baby sitter.

Does anyone want to baby sit?

OP posts:

lucyellensmum · 01/05/2008 18:06

HE refuses to speak to you? How old is he??

Original poster

shrinkingsagpuss · 01/05/2008 18:09

OP posts:

Blu · 01/05/2008 21:11

Oh gawd.

The thing is, I wouldn't leave my kids to be pout to bed by an agency sitter they didn't know.

I don't think I would throw more money at this...send him on his own, have a think about how to talk to him about how you make decisions together - or not. But wait until you feel calm and straightforward and just be direct and factual. If he behaves badly over the w/e don't change your behaviour in response, just do what you would normally do and not let it get to you - and don't pick up any pieces after him, either.

But on blance, i don't think i would spend any more money you haven't got on somethig you won't enjoy, and all in dread of his bad behaviour. It's one unenjoyable experience set against another really - and at least not going saves you some cash.

lucyellensmum · 01/05/2008 21:20

he is old enough to know better - make him go on his own - this is not the 1950s

myfeethurt · 01/05/2008 21:25

its a man thing they don't understand logistics of babysitters and putting to bed etc, of course you can't go if you don't have a babysitter you know

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