Mother moving next door

[Cleo3]

Hello

This is a very complex situation and basically like something that would make a good Soap opera but I could do with some impartial advice.

I’ve been basically estranged from
my mother since my mid twenties but always allowed my children to have a relationship with her. I have health conditions that’s she has not ever been interested in finding out about or shown an interest in other than a polite interest or indeed given me any help, I also had a very difficult childhood which I had counselling for..it has been very tough for me this last year.

This year due to her own personal Circumstances she decided to sell her house and put an offer in on the one for sale right next to me, it went from a jokey comment to her putting an offer in and this accepted. It has never been discussed with myself or partner and caused a lot of stress. I came
back from a weekend away to my neighbour waiting for me telling me he’d been trying to get hold of my mother to say the deal was off unless she could offer more money. I thought this my a blessing in disguise but yesterday she was offered another deal by them and is expecting me to
help with the decision.

I have given my opinion that I do not feel it would work, my husband and myself are not in a position to become carers and there is bad feeling there, and that she would be better off down sizing and not a side ways move. It’s my birthday today and she has rung my youngest daughter sobbing and telling her “she doesn’t want me there” and making it all about her and has upset us all.

She recently helped my Sister through her divorce so this is the time for my sister to step up but she won’t. I’m at my wits end and can not take anymore of this..I just don’t know which way to turn.

Thanks for reading.

No, not really but we’re settled and have done a lot to it, My Husband and myself have been talking this week, and are now thinking of selling up and downsizing, so that we can live a quieter, simpler life with no stress from situations like this. I suggested a move to a modern 2 bed to my mother last week when the neighbours withdraw on their acceptance of her offer unless she offered more money. It would be cheaper to heat, maintain and look after but she said no, she doesn’t want a 2 bed. What will happen in a few years time when she can’t cope with a larger house..yep you’ve guessed it, it will be down to us. I’ve had no further contact with her since my birthday so I don’t know what she’s decided but I found out from my daughter that she was more worried about the money she’d lose by her jumping straight in without talking to anyone about the actual practicalities than ruining my birthday. It’s so mucked up just feel like running away but I can’t be guilt tripped by anyone anymore, I’m breaking free.

I agree with this , it will be hard as your DCs will probably go to her house but be firm .
Don't ask for any favours
Don't help her out
Don't go to each others houses.
Treat her like she is your new nighbour, not your DM

Thanks for your reply. Yes, it doesn’t make sense and as I said in my original post it’s a very complex situation, lots of secrets caused by my mother and get relationships that we were never allowed to talk about or discuss, a result of one these secrets ended in September ..hence the knee jerk house move. I’m estranged from her mentally, I only really maintain a relationship because of my children..in hindsight I should have moved well away when I was 18 but I was a different person then and didn’t realise the hold she had over me.

We did explain to them we were surprised she had put an offer in as we don’t have a close relationship , they don’t care though they just want to sell it to whoever offers the price they want ..which I can’t blame them for.

OP, I mean this kindly, but I think you should get some therapy in the new year and focus on fully detaching yourself emotionally from your mother. I do think that continuing to have contact and to allow her to have a relationship with your children was probably a misguided decision motivated by FOG (fear, obligation and guilty) - completely understandable but not something you should continue as it is clearly not healthy for you.

I think the house situation is just one piece of a bigger picture and you need support to stay strong.

As for the house, though, in your position I would write to the neighbour and the agent selling the property to say that you strongly object to your mother buying the house and that if an offer is agreed you will put your own house on the market. Tell your mother the same.

You really need to stop engaging with her. No or very very low contact.

Have you read the stately homes threads?
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5233578-december-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

I love my mum. Couldn't live next door to her.
Tell her simply that if she buys next door, you are putting your house on the market and moving
And do so.

I’d put your house on the market. If she buys next door then move, if someone else does you can always take it off the market. Hopefully the act of listing it will make her think again.

get yours on the market ASAP
even if you don't go through with it, she may change her mind if she see's yours is on the market.

Fuck that, if my mother pulled that stunt I'd be moving myself. We reap what we sow and I have no intention of caring for her in her elderly years.

Can you get a dummy for sale sign or something. She might pull out?

I think I’d try to disengage, but make sure you tell her once and very clearly that neither you nor the kids are in a position to offer her more in terms of company/ help, and that you plan to move yourselves reasonably soon.

I wouldn’t get involved with the neighbour/ estate agent or anything else as she is legally entitled to buy where she wants plus I doubt they care whether you continue living there or not. Plus she’ll weaponise this in some way- so stay out of it.

So sorry you're going through this, what a nightmare.
I'd get a message to her that if she moves next door, you will be moving. I'd even consider someone's suggestion to put your house on the market so she knows you mean business.
If it were me, I would also tell the neighbour that she has significant mental health and / or financial troubles, and there's a strong chance the sale will fall through. Maybe not the most pleasant move, but reasonable given the circumstances IMO.

I would definitely tell my mother I would move if she moved in next door. No chance I'd let it happen without at least trying to stop it. Even if you don't move just saying it may put her off.

After your childhood you owe her nothing OP. Stand up for yourself, she sees you as her future carer without a doubt. I'd make sure to avoid that situation before it happens because when she needs a carer it will be that much harder to say no when she is living next door. Having my parents next door would definitely make me move, my peace and sanctuary would be destroyed.

Message telling her you were planning to sell up soon anyway and offer your own house at a cheaper price than next doors. Shell either pull out of next door as she only wants to live on your road because you're there, or she'll pull out of next door because she wants your cheaper house instead. By the time she gets to contract stage with your house next door will hopefully have a buyer.

Thank you for you reply. I had therapy and they told they were surprised I still had contact with her , when I told her this, she said and I quote “how dare they say this” but then she would. I will be getting some help in the New Year, this situation has been triggering. We’ve had no contact from her this Xmas my husband and myself spent Xmas alone , she has now gone into victim mode even though she ruined my birthday last week which I couldn’t forgive, we will move if she still plans on buying next door, if she buys next door we will to go past her house everytime we go in or out, I can do that it will be too much. We had meals out planned for Xmas Day she went with my Daughter we didn’t go, totally miserable but this has to happen to come out stronger, I’m no longer putting up with her behaviour, very sad to think someone has got to her age without any self awareness or emotional intelligence at all, or even the ability to say sorry.

Are your children fully aware of the kind of relationship and issues you have with your mum or have you always hid it from them?

I'd go for brutal honesty. You have nothing to lose.

Tell her that you aren't planning to stay in the area long term as you will be downsizing yourselves at some point. Therefore it's her choice if she buys next door, but that if she does this then you'll speed up your plans to move away.

Ignore tears and tantrums and emotional blackmail. You know she doesn't actually care about the impact she has on you - it's about how it looks. You can use this to your advantage, because how would it look to others that she buys the house next door and you immediately move away?

I love my Mum and we get on really well, but I wouldn't want to be within a short, easy bus ride of her. She agrees; we both value our independence and privacy. What's more, she's in her eighties, I'm her eldest and she was still young when she had me. I'm not exactly up for being a carer at this stage in my life.

In the much more complicated and fraught circumstances you describe, I would be like an animal in a trap, chewing off its own limb. Look at getting your own house on the market in that light - the wailing and railing down the phone to your daughter speaks volumes about what your mother would be like if she was next door. Should she need social care, her chances of getting much would probably be hampered by your proximity, which wouldn't be in your interests or hers. Hopefully, she will see your house going up for sale as a sign that you aren't messing about and will look for a house in a more appropriate area.

"I had therapy and they told they were surprised I still had contact with her , when I told her this, she said and I quote “how dare they say this” but then she would."

The fact that you talked to your mother about the therapy is a clear indication that you needed to do a lot more of it. No good comes of trying to convince people like her of anything. You don't open up to them. If you must be in contact, you keep it boring and surface level chat. Grey rock.

"We had meals out planned for Xmas Day she went with my Daughter we didn’t go"
So you had actually planned to see her on Christmas Day? Despite the long history of her being difficult and the most recent events?

She only "ruins" these events for you because you allow her to. You need to make your own plans without her in them, and she can't ruin them.

"very sad to think someone has got to her age without any self awareness or emotional intelligence at all, or even the ability to say sorry."
People like this NEVER CHANGE. She will be like this until she dies, in fact she'll probably get worse as she ages.

I always hid it when they were children of course, but as they became older they got told some things by my husband and myself. My eldest daughter is golden child as far as my mother is aware and they are close, she used to tell me I “bully” my mother, but I know where this has come from. She has also told me that my mother is a better mother than me, on that occasion my husband did stand up for me though and told her some home truths. She did move in with her her when she was a teenager as I was the mother from hell apparently..but it didn’t last long! It’s just so incredibly complex and I need some help with it. My youngest daughter has asked me why I allowed a relationship with her, I would never have stopped it and thought I was doing the right thing at the time but have probably created more of a problem now.

We were making plans and my daughter invited her we didn’t. She hasn’t wanted to do anything with us for years apart from Xmas as she refused to do Xmas at hers 20 years ago. But then things changed in September so is now wanting to do things with us and invited to by my daughters, plus also the wanting to buy a house next door to me.

Unfortunately it seems that you have allowed her to damage the relationship between you and your daughters. It might be beneficial to do some family therapy - for you and your daughters, I mean, not your mother. To see if some of the damage can be undone.

Personally I think if someone is so toxic that you don't want to deal with them as an adult, you should never inflict that person on a child. Your daughters might struggle to understand your decision and you need to make sense of it for yourself, in individual therapy, before you can have a constructive conversation with them about it.

Yes, indeed it’s a mess. It’s come to a head this last week and it’s horrible but it needed to happen. I have allowed it but I did not cause it, and that what I need to remember right now.