Mother moving next door

[Cleo3]

Hello

This is a very complex situation and basically like something that would make a good Soap opera but I could do with some impartial advice.

I’ve been basically estranged from
my mother since my mid twenties but always allowed my children to have a relationship with her. I have health conditions that’s she has not ever been interested in finding out about or shown an interest in other than a polite interest or indeed given me any help, I also had a very difficult childhood which I had counselling for..it has been very tough for me this last year.

This year due to her own personal Circumstances she decided to sell her house and put an offer in on the one for sale right next to me, it went from a jokey comment to her putting an offer in and this accepted. It has never been discussed with myself or partner and caused a lot of stress. I came
back from a weekend away to my neighbour waiting for me telling me he’d been trying to get hold of my mother to say the deal was off unless she could offer more money. I thought this my a blessing in disguise but yesterday she was offered another deal by them and is expecting me to
help with the decision.

I have given my opinion that I do not feel it would work, my husband and myself are not in a position to become carers and there is bad feeling there, and that she would be better off down sizing and not a side ways move. It’s my birthday today and she has rung my youngest daughter sobbing and telling her “she doesn’t want me there” and making it all about her and has upset us all.

She recently helped my Sister through her divorce so this is the time for my sister to step up but she won’t. I’m at my wits end and can not take anymore of this..I just don’t know which way to turn.

Thanks for reading.

That sounds so stressful. Unfortunately you can’t stop her moving in, the only thing you can control is how you react to it? Could you wait and see if it goes through and if it does, sell up?
Maybe tell her now that is what you will do to give her the option to think again?

Honestly, I think you need to be upfront with her. Its s difficult conversation but it needs to be had. Tell her :- mum i love you but I don't want to live next door to you. I think it will cause damage to our relationship.

It’s my birthday today and she has rung my youngest daughter sobbing and telling her “she doesn’t want me there” and making it all about her and has upset us all

Happy birthday OP

By behaving like this she's played right into your hands - and incidentally shown exactly how she'd carry on if living next door - so since you don't have a relationship worth nurturing with her you'd be fully justified in saying that no, you don't want her there, and this is why

You can't actually stop her moving of course, but if this happened to me then so would I. Admittedly this probably wouldn't be easy, but it may not be any harder than years of family angst in trying to deal with her

This is unfortunately a consequence of allowing your children to have a relationship with her, and I doubt this is the first time she has used one of your children in an attempt to manipulate you.

I think you need to out an end to this once and for all.

A text along the lines of “I don’t want to live next door to you and if you buy the house next door to me we will have no other choice but to put ours up for sale and move” should do it.

Thank you for your reply and the Birthday wishes. Hope I'm doing this right as have not posted before. You're absolutely right and I'm not in a position to put up with this behaviour. It's is very manipulative and narcissistic, playing my adult children into making out I'm being cruel. It was her birthday at the weekend and she said she was thankful how her birthday wasn't ruined because of the neighbours changing their minds but is quite happy to ruin mine. Unfortunately we do not have a close enough relationship for her to live right next door and I thought she would have understood this before charging right in..but no she did what was right for her without any thought to the bigger picture.

Thank you...You're absolutely right, I thought I was doing the right thing but sadly not the case and she has done this before.

Fire a shot across the bow and put your own house on the market? Tell her she's free to move and that so are you.

If she does move in, treat her like a neighbour that you don't like and have absolutely no relationship with (which would be true). Don't invite her into your home and don't go to her house.

@Cleo3 I absolutely adore my mum. I love the bones of her. I wouldn't want to live next door to her. I dont want her in my pocket. We used to live close but 15 minutes drive away and that was close enough.

Don't invite her into your home and don't go to her house

If the mum moves in and OP tries that there'll very soon be "health emergencies" to command her presence, @thepariscrimefiles ... I guarantee it

Such personalitties aren't easily ignored, but somehow it would have to be done - if necessary, as I said, by OP moving herself

Play her at her own game. Tell her it's her decision to make and you don't care one way or another. Bet she won't be half so keen if she thinks it won't bother or upset you.

Thank you. I have told this when the neighbours changed their mind about the price, I do not want the responsibility of making the decision and in fact it's not mine to make, but I will give an opinion. My opinion is that we should have been asked our thoughts on it before she went in all guns blazing , now it has potentially fallen through unless she offers more money , I've said I don't think it's a good idea and this is maybe a sign. She has the right to buy where she wants but I wouldn't dream of buying next door to my children without asking their thoughts and taking into consideration their boundaries and personal space. I

She may be expecting you to help her as she ages and if this is so, you need to decide what suits you best:-

1. Wash your hands of her, create boundaries where you have no contact but allow your DC to communicate with her if they have a close bond,. be mindful of your DC feelings here always.

2. Resolve your differences, tell her how you feel and for you both to adjust your expectations, day by day things may improve.

Scenario 2 would take the efforts of dinosaur proportions because she sounds like she's really screwed your childhood up for you. Also sounds like she is making more of an effort wth her grandkids.

What ever decision you make should enable you emotional freedom, a clear conscience, and a free mind.

Find a way to let go.
When its her time to pass, you may find the whole situation quite triggering and you could find an attitude change is all it takes to make things improve.

When we change the way we look at things, the things ee look at change.

Hope this helps

Thank you for replying and your sensible advice. You're completely right and I've thought about this, myself and my husband have not been invited to her home for a meal for years but we always invite here and for Xmas etc. We put everything into raising our children well and knowing they were loved every day and they're doing great, so she has been a good grandparent to them but does use to this to her advantage regarding me, she probably thought I would be a terrible parent with her opinion of me. Never been told I'm loved or that she is proud of me , don't ever remember being given a hug when I was scared or upset, but I had dealt with this. This situation has just brought it all back and ruined today. Honestly don't know what I'm going to do.

Write her a letter, telling her clearly that you don’t want to live next door to her and why. That if she persists with the plan then you will look to move at the earliest opportunity. That in the meantime you will not visit her, and she will not be welcome in your home unless specifically invited.

You can’t decide what she does, but you can be very clear on your own terms.

@Cleo3 sorry but I dont understand how you are estranged from her but she comes to your house?????? never live next door to your mother, whether or not you are estranged!

Its early so this may he a shit idea.

I'd sit her down and tell her you are serious and wont help
btw alazed with think you are nc and cook her xmas dinner every year! She can move if she loves the house but there will be no help AND she should know you are putting your house up for sale in summer.
Get some EAs round to value for free and make sire kids are there and let.kids 💯 believe you are serious and let them doing the flying monkey work for you.

You can always say you didnt find a property you wanted or whatever later but it combined with price hike from next door might scare her off.

We cannot choose our family. Unfortunately. Don't give up on your boundaries. They keep you sane. It is probably harder because she is your mother, not having a good mother growing up. On my opinion also your sister needs to help look after your mother. From what I understand , at the minute, your mother is reasonably capable of looking after herself? Could you get carers in when/ if she will need help? Xx

How well do you get on with the current neighbour. Could you plead with them to not sell to your mother?

Dear, you've really had a tough time in this relationship. You're too kind, being held hostage by your mom, you really need to stand up to her, she can't make your life miserable. Tell her we don't want to live next door to you!!!

Is it your forever home? If no make it clear that you will be looking to move.

Classic mumsnet suggestion, but can you get a for sale sign outside your house?

Would she still go ahead with the move if you put your house on the market I wonder?

Not saying you have to go through with selling but I’m wondering if it would stop her buying next door, and when someone else buys it you could “change your mind and decide to stay put”.

Do whatever you need to do, to be happy. If that means cutting her out of your life, don’t be afraid to do that.

Happy Birthday OP!

Thank you x I have finally realised this even though I’ve always known it and my children are being used in the manipulation, unfortunately they can’t see it but hopefully one day they will. Nothing has changed, after telling her last week I wanted to be left alone on birthday and not discuss the house after telling her my opinion that I thought it was not a good idea. She has now gone into victim mode, I’ve had no contact at all and no one is really speaking to me..but I really don’t care anymore, like you say I’ve been held hostage and now I’m breaking free. X

Fake your own death.