To give up on a long term friendship due to difficulties meeting up?

[Apricotmuffino]

I have a friend, we have been friends since we were 5 years old, over the years I would say we have been close with the odd blips where she has pulled away, particularly when I got a bf and she was single (I did try and ensure I made the same effort), before we both had a child 2 years ago, we would meet up approximately every 3 months, it was quite difficult pinning a date down, but when we did see each other we would get on well and chat for hours, sometimes until early hours. Since we've had our little ones, we have messaged but I've found it really hard to see her, I get messages back but sometimes it can take weeks for a response (I get how hard it is with a child, I am in the same boat but weeks seems like an unusual amount of time)

When i try and meet up, she will never give me dates it's always 'we need a catch up soon, let's arrange a date', so I will send dates and either I get ignored or a response the day or morning of the proposed dates when I can no longer do it. I backed off and got another message from her again asking when I was free... so I gave her 3 dates. That was over month ago now, the dates I gave have long since been gone, and I'm quite despondent now, I feel like I should just give up.

We live about 5 minutes away from each other, so meeting up shouldn't be this difficult!

Aibu to give up on this friendship entirely? Or should i give more lee way with her having a toddler? What would you do?

Maybe find out if there’s a local playgroup you could both go to or join an exercise class together? Sometimes it helps to stay and touch if you can catch up while doing other activities.

Life move on, just let it go.

No need to officially end the friendship, just let her come to you, if she could be bothered, for dates to meet up.

Stop being the one to always plan and see if she ever reaches out.

If she doesn't reach out, you have your answer and just let it die a natural death.

I’d drop the rope OP then see what happens

Yes maybe a group activity. I find if I suggest a few dates and they dont commit I let it be .. I know its not easy with young kids though

Sorry to say this @Apricotmuffino but I'm afraid I agree that it would be wise to bin the friendship. I have a friend like this who I wish would just stop contacting me. I want to ghost her but don't have the balls. We go back 30-ish years, and the 'friendship' brings nothing to my life. Trying to get to meet up is a pain (just like with you/your friend.) A friendship should not be such hard work.

I would start giving her a wide berth/keep cancelling/gradually ghost her. She doesn't sound arsed anyway tbh.

I wouldnt chase her op leave it up to her now..

Friendships change over the years. It’s okay to let it go for now. When your children are older it may change again, but it’s not worth making a big fuss about now.

She lives 5 minutes away and you both have a child similar ages.

Take the hint OP she's not interested.

I have tried to back off and when I have done she will send me nice messages, with her suggesting we meet up, so then I get roped back in again, and then suggest dates etc and then it's a nightmare seeing her. Thinking about it I last saw her in april. 7 months ago now eek. The last message i suggested a weekend toddler fun art class which is down the road from us both, but that's since been and gone and I've had no response. I can see she is active on social media so I'm just left really disappointed.

This is probably the brutal response I need to fully let go 🤣 it's hard when we've always got on very well and have been friends for 30 years. You're right though, I do know it.

I would just let this friendship go now. She's not being fair to you, she asks for a catch up then ignores your response with dates available. It's a mind game. Ignore any further comments about meeting up. Either keep it to a text here and there or just don't bother with any further communication with her.

Glad you've taken it well OP. 😉

Thank you, you are spot on. It's the reeling me back in despite being completely none committal that I find the most frustrating. I think why bother suggesting it, if you have absolutely no intention of wanting to see me.

I have a feeling it's not just me that she does it to when looking at other friendships of hers.

You sound like a really lovely friend and deserve better than this.
You have tried your best here and your friend should show you consideration.
It doesn’t have to be a dramatic ending. Just stop messaging her, and if you hear from her I think it’s fine to tell her you’ve been disappointed in trying to organise things that don’t happen.
It is hard to let go because sometimes a friend is like a huge signpost in our lives, bringing back so many lovely memories.
All the things you have researched/planned go
anyway. It is time to make some new friends you have something in common with now.

OK so just gone back at my messages, previously I asked her what dates she is free

She responded....

'What dates are you free?'

🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈

I need to give up don't I?

This is what it's like with my friend. She messages around 7th-12th October and says 'wanna meet soon?' I say 'sure... I am available from 16th to 31st October except for the 30th. (She is only ever available for 2 to 3 dates out of any given month! 🙄)

Then she says 'I have some days free during that time. I am a bit busy, but can meet on either the 18th, the 20th, or the 29th of October. My daughter hasn't let me know which dates she is working yet as she hasn't got her rota yet, so I will have to let you know nearer the time!' (She looks after her daughter's child on 4 or 5 days of the month.)

So meanwhile I have to keep all 3 dates free, just in case? She often sees fit to make me wait a week or more before letting me know - often until JUST before the first date SHE gives, because I have announced I am free for most of the last 2 weeks in October! (I work from home and it's very flexible.)

I have started to say 'I am free from 16th October to 31st October - except the 30th - AT THE MOMENT! If I don't hear from you for a week or so though, some of those free dates may be unavailable then.' (Oddly, she messages back the next day with a date then!)

But yeah, I have actually stopped contacting her first - (as I always have) - in the hope she will not contact me again. It hasn't worked though! 😆

Unlike your friend though @Apricotmuffino she does work 2-3 days a week, and has 4 children (youngest is 15, oldest is 29, and 3 of them live at home,) and she lives 20 miles away. If she was 5 minutes away (walk OR drive,) and we had young children of the same age, I would be surprised if she was like that then.

Tricky one, when THEY won't fuck off and let the friendship die, and we're too chicken shit to ghost them and block them! 😂

As I said, when a friendship is bloody hard work, and causes you stress, you need to bin it off. But it's so HARD. Especially if you have known them for some years/several decades! (And they are seemingly not seeing any issue!)

If she messages again be blunt and say that you suggest dates and no replies. Met a girl from my primary same thing weeks to commit. Time wasters

No need to tell her you are ending the friendship, but in your head, just relegate her to acquaintance rather than friend. If she asks you what dates you are free, just say any day except for x, y and z and put the ball back in her court.

I have a similar situation with an old friend, except we don’t have young kids. She is nice in other ways (always messages to say happy birthday/christmas/new year etc) and feels close when I do see her, but arranging to meet up is like pulling teeth!

She often suggests abstract plans like must go for a drink/dinner soon, but pinning her down to a specific date is almost impossible. I messaged her recently to suggest catching up as I haven’t seen her since June. She replied that she’d been thinking the same thing and would suggest something but I’m still waiting…