To give up on a long term friendship due to difficulties meeting up?

[Apricotmuffino]

I have a friend, we have been friends since we were 5 years old, over the years I would say we have been close with the odd blips where she has pulled away, particularly when I got a bf and she was single (I did try and ensure I made the same effort), before we both had a child 2 years ago, we would meet up approximately every 3 months, it was quite difficult pinning a date down, but when we did see each other we would get on well and chat for hours, sometimes until early hours. Since we've had our little ones, we have messaged but I've found it really hard to see her, I get messages back but sometimes it can take weeks for a response (I get how hard it is with a child, I am in the same boat but weeks seems like an unusual amount of time)

When i try and meet up, she will never give me dates it's always 'we need a catch up soon, let's arrange a date', so I will send dates and either I get ignored or a response the day or morning of the proposed dates when I can no longer do it. I backed off and got another message from her again asking when I was free... so I gave her 3 dates. That was over month ago now, the dates I gave have long since been gone, and I'm quite despondent now, I feel like I should just give up.

We live about 5 minutes away from each other, so meeting up shouldn't be this difficult!

Aibu to give up on this friendship entirely? Or should i give more lee way with her having a toddler? What would you do?

I gave up on a friend for the exact same reason. The straw that broke the camels back was when we were finally having a text conversation, which she’d instigated (this was unusual). I told her that I’d had to resign from my dream job and there was literally no response, nothing. I waited weeks, weeks turned into months. In the end, I thought ‘I can take a hint, this has been going on for too long’ and I blocked her. Haven’t looked back 🤷‍♀️

I still look back on our friendship with fondness but maybe we only had uni in common.

OP, could she be suffering from anxiety? I am terrible at planning anything, it feels suffocating and I normally just put it off put it off put it off...

I'm clearly going against the grain but disagree: I think people really overthink this and read poor motives into things which are actually just people being busy. Life intervenes and sometimes it gets harder to meet up with people. You have to go with the flow sometimes. You can't expect people to maintain the same intensity when there are young families in the mix as you did pre-kids.

People are so quick to flounce off and block and make big statements. It's unnecessary and counterproductive. Just back off for a bit, give one another some space and see what happens. Chances are you can pick it up when you both have more time.

I’m sorry you seem to be losing such a longstanding friend, especially as you live within 5 minutes of each other, and do have a good time when you do get together.

There’s a thread like this practically every month. What makes your situation sadder and more frustrating than others is that it’s your friend who seems to be suggesting meeting up and then not following through.

PPs do have a point, you might just have to accept the friendship has fizzled out but I would have to say something because she is either unaware how flaky she is being or is taking the piss and offering you crumbs by showing you she thinks of you from time to time but that’s all the space she has for you in her busy life.

Next time she suggests meeting up without being specific, ask if she realises how often she says that and how rarely she makes it happen. You’re good friends so tell her how annoying and disappointing that is. Tell her that if she isn’t going to meet up with you because she has no time for you then she’s wasting your equally valuable time with her pointless texts.

Personally, I think the trend (if you can call it that) of only texting rather than actually talking on the phone has caused a lot of these problems. Texts get forgotten whereas a quick call with both calendars open saves a lot of back and forth. It’s quicker. Also a phone call is a quicker way of having a good chat and a laugh. You might laugh at a funny text but it’s not the same as laughing with a friend.

No need to give up on it entirely. Just downgrade your expectations of the friendship.

There are two types of people

• we must meet up for coffee
• we must meet up for coffee, when are you free

The first lot say it but don't mean it. It's their equivalent of talking about the weather or the traffic, it's a space filler that makes them sound engaged with you, friendly & interested.

The second ones mean it & fix a date.

I wouldn't give up on the friendship entirely. Its normal for friendships to fizzle and come back when children are involved or getting with new partners etc.

I don't see my closets friends often - some live in the same town, others half hour way and my best friend an hour and a half away. Sometimes texts can be sporadic as we all have 2 children each. But when we do get together it is like we haven't spent months not seeing each other.

I'd take a step back and let her do the arranging and date organising. When she text for a date, say you need to know the date then and there as you have other things being planned.

When I had children I never had any difficulties making arrangements to meet up with friends. She's rude and your friendship isn't important to her. Drop her.

No need to give up completely. I have friendships which have existed on the occasional message every few months for years - things can change in people's lives and friendships take greater or lesser priority, especially when people have young children, or have families at different times or no family etc .