Am I being petty and dickish with XDH about Christmas?

[StarBridge]

Long story short. This is our 3rd Christmas apart. First one we were in the midst of the full horror of divorce. XDH came to us, brought nothing.

Second one, I said XDH could come round to us on Christmas Day but that I was buying gifts for the DC and he should do likewise. Lots of moaning from him about how he's not good at this stuff. He ending up asking what I'd bought for them. He then TOLD them what I'd got in a "your Mum's bought XYZ, what can I get you?" This included things which were going to be surprises. I didn't know until Christmas Day when DC told me.

So this year I'm not telling him a thing. XH is really pissed off by this and says I'm being petty. I mentioned to a friend last night and she clearly thought the same - she said I should tell him the main things and just keep the surprises a secret.

What say you all?

Background: DC are teens, they live with me full time as XDH won't have them overnight. He takes them out for the day sometimes. I find him lazy and irritating and maybe I am being petty as a result. But I feel I should model best behaviour as whatever I do he'll tell the kids.

I don't see why you should tell him.

It doesn't sound like there's a risk he'll buy the same thing, and avoiding duplicates is the only reason I can think to tell him.

Nah, let him suffer in his jocks. He can use his initiative @

Typical useless man that doesn’t have an original thought in his head.

They aren’t little children. Why can’t he ask them himself?

What is it with all these lazy ineffectual men?

There was a news item on tv this morning from the 90’s reporting that poor men suffer from raised blood pressure stress etc due to Xmas shopping. One prince of a man said “We (as in men) shouldn’t have to do it.”! If he were my partner, he’d get nothing.

It’s got nothing to do with him.

Tell him nothing, you are not being petty.

I would buy them what you like, keep it a secret, keep your receipts, if he buys duplicates, return yours after Christmas and let the kids choose what they want.

You are definitely not being petty, @StarBridge - and I'd be tempted to tell him why you aren't telling him anything.

"Last Christmas you deliberately told the kids what I'd bought them, and spoiled the surprise for them, so I am not taking the risk that you will do it again this year."

It is the very definition of 'Fuck Around and Find Out' - and he has only himself to blame.

Next year, get your kids to ask him for one thing and you for different things. Then they know that they will get thw one thing from him and it won't be duplicated. No way he will be getting them thoughtful extras like you are. What a tool.

I'm feeling relieved as I've worried about it most of the night.

That's a good idea @SprigatitoYouAndIKnow I just don't like organising everything for and around him. I did that throughout the marriage! But it will solve the issue.

Tell him to tell you what he's buying, and that you won't buy those things.

And then do nothing.

As is often the case, @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius absolutely has it.

Well obviously don't tell him.
Time to let him grow a backbone and stand on his own two feet.
And that applies to everything, OP, not just Christmas. (A backbone is for life!)

I think @SprigatitoYouAndIKnow has nailed it going forward and I would absolutely message him what @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius said so that he knows exactly why you are not helping him this year. What he did was petty and completely shit thing to do.

We have adult children, 21 and 18 and we have a massive surprise gift for them this year and I would be so upset if someone told them what it was.

Tell him he needs to get to know his own children sufficiently well to be able to buy them presents then.

Is he still coming round to yours on Christmas Day? If you don’t get on, and the kids are teens, why can’t he fetch them to his for a few hours on Christmas or Boxing Day? Then it’s definitely his problem to sort out presents and snacks etc.

No you are not being petty. He’s a crap father.

If they're teens then substantial gift tokens or even folding cash, would probably be most acceptable to them, ( and easy enough even for him)

Well done for losing the deadweight.

Of course you’re not being petty: you are taking a course of action based as a response to your husbands prior performance

Yanbu.

Keep receipts so dc can exchange any duplicate gifts but chances are it will be fine.

Why doesnt he just ask his children what they would like??? He is just being awkward/petty asking you instead of them.

FGS stop calling him 'XDH' - he isn't 'dear'. And disengage completely. Your kids are teens. Why are you letting him have so much control over your life?

He was formerly a dear husband. Hence why I had kids with him. Is XDH not a thing? I was just trying to use an abbreviation.

I don't mind him here Christmas Day - we travel to my parents on Boxing Day so it works best. But I hear it loud and clear on the gifts. The kids would indeed love cash but he wouldn't do that.

You said you have teenagers get them to make an Amazon wishlist and share it with you and their dad. When their Dad says you are being petty remind him "we are divorced now so you not knowing what to purchase for your children is a YOU problem and nothing to do with me and I don't want to get involved, ask your children for suggestions".

Massive prick and no yanbu!

Don't tell him. If he doesn't know what his teenage children are in to by now that's his problem. Why can't he just ask the kids what they want? Or is he incapable of having a conversation with them?