To be loosing patience with DH unemployment more than a year

[leftorrightnow]

DH has been on and off unemployed since September 2023. He works in an unstable industry and has always only had freelance gigs, but prior to Covid, work was continuous and he never really was without work. Since Covid and relocating to my home country where there is a lot less work in his industry, he’s been having a lot less gigs. Since September last years he’s worked for a total of around 5 months! My income is stable and high enough that we can manage, but we are renting a two bedroom flat with DC’s 9 and 7, and really need more space and for them to not share a room as they’re also a girl and a boy, with DD being the oldest and really starting to need her own space.

Im convinced he’s depressed, not surprisingly, he’s grumpy and withdrawn most the time. He more than pulls his weight w the household and the kids, does all pick ups and drop offs and cooks all meals and takes care of most of the cleaning.

he is constantly looking for gigs in his industry but there’s nothing in this country.

Now, I’m just at breaking point now. I can’t see how this situation can go on. Every time I mention retaining, he gets defensive and says that something will come up in his industry, and that he isn’t smart enough to retrain as something else. Also he doesn’t speak the language well enough to do all education offered here, and I do understand that he’s moved to my home country for my sake and that this is a big part of the reason for his unemployment. He also says I just want him to go and be a taxi driver or whatever. (As if that was so bad). I feel sorry for him that’s he’s depressed, he’s also had family bereavement in these last tor years which hit him hard. I’m trying all I can to remain patient and support him, but one days, like today, I just feel like telling him to get his act together and do something radical to get a job, maybe yes go and be a taxi driver or work in a supermarket, whatever it is to get a stable income! I’ve said this to him several times and he just becomes angry.

He isn’t spending a lot on himself, buys no new clothes or gadgets or anything, and he gets unemployment support for now but this will end next year as he has been on it for too long.

Please don’t tell me I should leave him, I don’t want to, as I do love him and the kids do too, and tbh, I would be worse off without him, as I couldn’t do my current demanding job being a sole parent, and it’s not like he brings in 0 income. I don’t want to breakup our family.

Any suggestions for how I can handle my own growing resentment towards him, and support him better/get him motivated to make a change?

That does all seem doable then give it some thought.
It didn’t work out for us because the first thing my ex did upon landing in Sydney without us was to join Tinder.
So we’re back home now. But it was an adventure and I’ve actually got no regrets. A side of the fact that he ended up coming back with us it’s a shame he couldn’t have stayed there.

Oh no! I’m sorry that happened to you, what an asshole.

we have the big stumbling block that the kids school is such that if we took them out their spots would be given to someone else and likely they wouldn’t be able to rejoin if we had to return so it’s a bus risk. Also I’m in a narrow industry too and it took me a while to land the job I have, if I quit it, getting another one if we had to return lowly wouldn’t be that easy (although not impossible). So I couldn’t see it as an adventure, it’d really have to work out.

Hope you’re ok back home now!

We’re all fine and actually the kids didn’t go back to the same schools that they left. They went to different but just as good grammar schools so it was all fine. Nothing is insurmountable.
You think it is when you’re in the throes of it all, but it actually really isn’t.
As I say one ended up with a first, the other one ended up with a 2.1 my youngest is still at university now but doing very well and the baby is not a baby any more and absolutely thriving.
I do think if you’re a strong unit and a strong team, then you have to look after everybody’s interests and that includes the husbands not just the children.

So when you as a couple decided to move to a country where he doesn't speak the language making it hard to find other work and where his existing job didn't exist, what was the plan?

Can he concentrate on improving his English for now to give him more opportunities?

Thanks for that perspective, really helpful. Glad to hear things worked out for you once you came back! Think I’m a bit too nervous because of how hard it was last time. But back then the kids were 2 and 4 and I suffered from postpartum depression and insomnia. Now I’m much much stronger.

If you read the whole thread you’ll understand better.

Is he seeing a doctor for depression?

Is there no work ( like supermarket) that he could do as an infill - it would bring in some cash and lift his spirits and positioned as a temporary thing would be more palatable

This!

Good post.
Practising gratitude is always advisable

He does understand the language but can’t speak it enough for a work context. He won’t do language training. Things are complicated emotionally for him on this front as this is the fourth country outside his home country he lives in. He speaks four languages already. He has experienced discrimination and racism as a speaker of a front language in other countries (not English speaking countries, you people are used to foreigners speaking your language) and so doesn’t want to be seen as “second best immigrant” as he’s seen when he tires to speak the native language. When he speaks English (which is not his native language) he is treated as an expat. When he speaks the native language he’s liked upon as a less than immigrant because he’s not white. It’s so sad but it’s true.

there’s a war in his county so can’t go there and he didn’t live there since he was a teenager.

Poor bloke. Sounds like he’s had a rough time of it.

Maybe just back off asking him to work/retrain and focus on how to settle him where you are. It doesn’t seem like moving again would be the obvious solution so he needs to be happier and have more self worth where he is. Is there a community related to his nationality anywhere even vaguely locally to you? Or any interests he can foster that would allow him to connect with people outside of your family?

Once he feels more confident and happy, the desire to work may follow.

Also, if he is depressed he should probably see a doctor.

I don't get the mindset of it needing to be in his specific industry. A job is a job, he needs to get something else while he looks. If I was made unemployed I would do any job while I continued to look for something better, but then I haven't got a partner supporting me. Even if I did I wouldn't want the burden to be all on them.

Hmm.

This is more complicated than it looks.

He's agreed to move to your country and did flag in advance to you that it would be hard for him to get work over there.

You say he's unemployed but then say he's had five months of work since last September so in the last 16 months.

Is it reasonably possible for him to get a back up job in the country you are in or (as you say he is not white and he doesn't have the language) is he likely to be rejected from most positions?

Would learning the language help do you think or are you in a country where the colour of his skin will make life difficult regardless?

There's also the issue of how much he is paid. Five months of well paid work might be better than a full time job at whatever minimum wage is.

Maybe it would be worth paying for a career coach for him who is in your country.

Gigs?
I would struggle to respect him.

Can he get jobs working remotely? Or were his previous gigs in arts/media in-person? Gig work doing things like video editing or graphics etc., can be done from wherever. There are more opportunities to get remote-working jobs now, maybe he could find something in a related field that would let him work and earn but not have the language restrictions.

The depression could be linked not only to him not being able to find decent, fulfilling work but also how you seem to be pressuring him by pushing retraining (not possible as he doesn’t know the language) or to get any job. You have said you are losing patience with him. He must feel like in your eyes he is a failure and letting you down. If he comes from a culture like ours, where a man is looked down on for being a SAHP, that stigma can be contributing to the depression as well.

I don’t think moving again to another country will fix his depression. He should see a doctor about it, but perhaps what is needed is both him and you seeing this move as an opportunity to prioritise family over career. If you were happy for him to be a SAHD and pick up arts/media gigs whenever with no pressure, do you think he’d not feel so bad? If he took on more family responsibility, then wouldn’t you be more free to climb the career ladder?

It doesn’t l sound like you are struggling financially…please correct me if i am wrong! It sounds like you and he are expecting you both must have a stable income. Perhaps a stable home with a SAHP is something worth having instead.

I'm surprised it took so long to see a comment about his depression potentially being partly due to feeling like a failure/pressure from you to get a job.

With the complications of language etc and that you're OK financially for now, I'd suggest you give him some more time, reassure him you'll be there for him. Ask him what he wants and how he sees things going in the next 6/12 months. Come up with a plan together.

Thanks for this perspective! Financially, we are okay ish. Wealth is relative isn’t it? We are renting a two bedroom flat. That’s okay and manageable, the main issues are kids are sharing a room and DD who’ll be 10 soon desperately wants her own room. She’s developing as well. Her and DS (7) argue quite a bit and I think it’s be better if they could have some personal space.

also, renting isn’t a great option for long term financial stability but we can’t be approved for a mortgage that allows us to buy anything big enough (I’m just taking a tiny three bed) in the city we’re in, and if we were to move further out the commute for me would be very long so I’d see the kids a lot less and crucially, he doesn’t want to move as he likes the capital and the only place where he doesn’t feel too much of an outsider.

so the living situation is a main reason for me also to be keen on him having a more stable income.

yoire so right though on my attitude! I think if I could learn to accept that he picks up gigs just whenever and otherwise enjoys being a SAHD, that may work. I just need to figure out if he’d truly be ok w that.

Good idea…I think I need more clarity on what he truly wants. Maybe he feels like he needs a stable job and career mainly because of my expectations. And maybe my expectations are unreasonable in this situation.

Ask him if he wants to move back?

He’s been working mainly remotely for years. It’s the remote work which is drying up now too. Many people are being forced back into the office in the UK in his industry, he mainly worked for UK companies he used to work for when we were there, so they’re using remote freelancers less.

Why? Most of the media/entertainment industry is gig work. It sucks and no one hates it more than the people in the industry. Everyone wants to unionize to change things but if you try to, you get in the bad books, think you ought to direct your lack of respect to the media companies and not the workers.

He’s on unemployment support which in this country is a private insurance and is more than minimum wage unskilled work. So no point taking on unskilled minimum wage work instead of being home and having more time for kids and improving
his skills (he’s learning new programmes) The support runs out by the summer, so he needs another plan for then.

i did he says he doesn’t