To be loosing patience with DH unemployment more than a year

[leftorrightnow]

DH has been on and off unemployed since September 2023. He works in an unstable industry and has always only had freelance gigs, but prior to Covid, work was continuous and he never really was without work. Since Covid and relocating to my home country where there is a lot less work in his industry, he’s been having a lot less gigs. Since September last years he’s worked for a total of around 5 months! My income is stable and high enough that we can manage, but we are renting a two bedroom flat with DC’s 9 and 7, and really need more space and for them to not share a room as they’re also a girl and a boy, with DD being the oldest and really starting to need her own space.

Im convinced he’s depressed, not surprisingly, he’s grumpy and withdrawn most the time. He more than pulls his weight w the household and the kids, does all pick ups and drop offs and cooks all meals and takes care of most of the cleaning.

he is constantly looking for gigs in his industry but there’s nothing in this country.

Now, I’m just at breaking point now. I can’t see how this situation can go on. Every time I mention retaining, he gets defensive and says that something will come up in his industry, and that he isn’t smart enough to retrain as something else. Also he doesn’t speak the language well enough to do all education offered here, and I do understand that he’s moved to my home country for my sake and that this is a big part of the reason for his unemployment. He also says I just want him to go and be a taxi driver or whatever. (As if that was so bad). I feel sorry for him that’s he’s depressed, he’s also had family bereavement in these last tor years which hit him hard. I’m trying all I can to remain patient and support him, but one days, like today, I just feel like telling him to get his act together and do something radical to get a job, maybe yes go and be a taxi driver or work in a supermarket, whatever it is to get a stable income! I’ve said this to him several times and he just becomes angry.

He isn’t spending a lot on himself, buys no new clothes or gadgets or anything, and he gets unemployment support for now but this will end next year as he has been on it for too long.

Please don’t tell me I should leave him, I don’t want to, as I do love him and the kids do too, and tbh, I would be worse off without him, as I couldn’t do my current demanding job being a sole parent, and it’s not like he brings in 0 income. I don’t want to breakup our family.

Any suggestions for how I can handle my own growing resentment towards him, and support him better/get him motivated to make a change?

You've got what you wanted, you've moved back hone and got a goid job. He's pulling his weight as mainly a sahd , so can't you be content with that?

He’s likely to be rejected from all positions outside his industry except for minimum wage unskilled labour.

Maybe I should be!

I mean… he warned you that it’d be hard for him to get work. It does sound like all things considered, it was still the right move, but there are always trade offs - and in this case; they appear to be that he can’t get regular work at the moment, and that you can’t afford to buy.

Can you increase your salary instead?

For him, I’d be encouraging him to socialise and try hobbies rather than find any job. Some people do find that doing anything gives them perspective and makes them feel better, but lots don’t.

I suspect I work in a similar industry to your husband and it’s been tough. Lots of the UK industry is now back in person, they won’t consider anyone out of country, work has been a lot less frequent and pays less, too. It’s massively hard. I have no idea what I’d retrain in, if I was going to, this is what I do. It’s what I’m good at. Unfortunately in my situation, I have to make the money, so I’ve had to diversify - but I can see why he hasn’t. He’s dealing with a lot already, a new country, a home country at war, resettling.

Yea it’s very much a specialized industry, it’s hard to diversify from it without getting a new degree.

I do also still think it was the right choice to move, and maybe I have to view his unstable work situation as the price we pay for the advantages of our current situation. As long as he is ok with it.

OP, I'm glad to hear your appreciation for your husband growing through this thread. Honestly, rather than resentment, I think he deserves a big thank you and a lot of love and support right now.

By your description, he's a good partner, a very active dad, who pulls his weight and more. On top of that, his home country is war-torn, and he has moved around, adapting again and again, encountering racism, discrimination and displacement, constantly disadvantaged as a non-native speaker. He moved again, purely for you, to ease your distress, to help you get a better job, to help you be closer to your family, and to make the kids' lives better. All of that has worked well for you and the kids. He has done everything he can to earn in this new context.... earning, successfully and steadily until another global disaster struck (Covid). Since then he's continued to do anything he can to work within his industry, managing to bring in some money, and continue to be a good husband and father, while going through grieving of family loss and struggling with very understandable depression.

Yes, ultimately, if you two decide it is necessary, he may need to get a taxi driving job or something- but I can imagine that being further soul destroying for him - feeling like he is giving up the last ounce of what is actually his, and for himself. So if it happens, it should be done in partnership, with empathy and gratitude for him, and very much with the hope and intention of it being temporary, and understanding the cost to him.

Alternatively, as you say, relax and accept and embrace what you have- someone who treats you well and loves you, who does their best for the family, two children who are happy and well, living in your home country, which you love, which is stable, safe, close to your family, ... all thanks to his willingness to give up what he would have been better for him individually.

Yes, Mumsnet loves saying LTB, but this really isn't the situation you are in. This sounds like marriage. He has given and sacrificed a lot and adjusted his dreams. You need to too.

Thanks for this perspective and to everyone who’s commented…all your comments have really helped me see our situation, and DH, in a more realistic and compassionate and grateful light.

this thread has also helped me to talk to him and we had a really good chat last night. I asked him again if he wanted to move and he said no, as he said that yes, in some other countries (UK, Australia, Canada) he’d likely be able to get more work and certainly in London, he’d have an easier time making friends, as his old friends are there, and it’s so cosmopolitan and transient and so many people, we always both found it much easier there to meet new people than in this country which is homogeneous and reserved - and kudos to British people you’re a friendlier crowd than Northern Europeans. (As a big issue is also he has hardly any friends here). However, he doesn’t want to go back to London due to a higher level of crime, the struggle of getting the kids into a good school (we all know that one is real!) and having no family around. He says he’s now living his life in this country. He doesn’t want to instead start over in a brand new place at this age (mid 40ies) as he says it’s just too exhausting and hard to make new friends at this age.

I also asked him about how he truly feels about not working and if a major reason he’s stressed out is me pressuring him to find consistent work, and he said that yes, that’s a b if part of it. I apologized to him and said I’ll stop doing that. He said that even if he won the lottery, he’d still be doing what he does (as indeed he does now everyday just for his own projects) because it’s who he is and he likes what he does. His work is like his hobby, essentially. I think that it’s very important that he gets to continue in his industry, as like some have pointed out, it’s like the last bit of what he has left that’s just his. He’s lost his home country, his family is scattered around the world, he rarely gets to speak his native language, so if he was to go and be a taxi driver, I think that would be the he final nail in the coffin of his self-worth.

I’ve decided to focus more on being grateful for all he brings and does for me and the kids, and support him more. For our financial situation, I will focus on saving up and exploring if there are ways for me to increase my income.

I feel like this thread has really helped me toward a little Christmas miracle of love and appreciation! It’s so easy to get caught up in a comparative materialistic mindset, and forgetting what truly matters.

I'm really glad it's been helpful OP, and sounds like a really good conversation.

It sounds like the new sense of breathing space will really help both of you.

In the long term, if things don't get better, maybe he will need to get something practical, at least temporarily.... but important you decide that together... and also, I'd say, framed as a temporary measure to supplement while things are tough. Ie: he is still a craftsman/artist or whatever, and continuing and building that is still a serious endeavour you both allow time for.... while he is doing something different, with some of his time, to bring in extra money. Not that he's had to give up being his passion, and now he IS a taxi driver or whatever.

I say this having a DH who is a freelance creative. Sometimes it's very tough for him, and also particularly since covid. He's immensely skilled and works hard and has big dreams. The idea of him giving up and becoming eg a security guard would utterly destroy him and define his life as a failure. The idea of him taking temporary, practical action to solve a practical challenge around money, while he continues to push his dreams? That's much more bareable.

But for now, it feels like you just need to release the pressure valve a bit. Well done for doing that!

It must be quite daunting for DH. I do think you need to cut him some slack (right now) and focus on what you do have.

Moving forward would be benefit from language classes? And focusing on his mental health. You will most likely find after working on himself for a year or two he may feel more confident to get a little part time job for when he isn’t doing gigs.

I think as a first step he could do with some friends outside the family. Maybe he has a hobby like running or cycling he could join a group? It's hard as a local job would allow him to make some friends though I understand it is difficult to push him to do this.
I wish you both luck. You sound like you both need some kindness and to remain a team because you do seem to both want that.

Sadly I think you need to cut your expectations and send him new messaging, that you are happy with him, no pressure from you, you support him, he is safe and secure. Change needs to come from within, he needs to get ideas from his own volition.

Sorry didn’t read your latest update!

Yes I Think so but he refuses therapy. We are having couples therapy though and through that I think his own mental health is improving too as we have a really good therapist who focuses on each of us too.

Yes and I’m always always encouraging him to join groups and hobbies etc, or even just the local gym. He’s said he’ll sign up for the gym now for 1,5 year and still hasn’t.

Coming home today it’s just sooo hard not to get annoyed with him. As soon as I take over w the kids he just withdraws and sits in front of the computer doing his stuff. I asked him how it went with signing up for the gym as he said this morning he’d do it and he said he’d do it after Christmas. He’s said that for two years. He just never taking any kind of initiative. He does what’s expected of him but takes 0 initiative. I get it’s hard and he’s down but I don’t think I fully appreciate it. Like this weekend we have no plans, for the first time for a long time. I’m always the one to make all plans as he makes none. In our last therapy session he said he thinks I make too many plans and he’d like to just stay home and flaked so would the kids. So last Saturday I left it that we had no plans. As soon as the kids woke up they started asking what the plans were for the day, and as we said none, they started moaning and bugged us all morning to organize playdates. I ended up spending ages calling a list of their friends to organize last minute play dates and the day got really stressful and unorganized. When I pointed that out to him about this weekend he said ok let them complain. But when they complained last weekend he lost his temper and shouted at them and then just withdrew to the balcony smoking cigarettes and left me to deal with the kids. I think he probably is depressed but he refuses individual therapy and like I explained, won’t make any practical drastic changes in his life or ours as a family. I feel like he’s going to be depressed and disengaged for the rest of his life and I’m getting desperate how to help him out of this stage. Me being patient which I have been for years has just made him stick in status quo depression. As much as I felt earlier today that the key was just me being patient and supporting him, I just feel now in this moment that I can’t go on in this situation with a depressed husband who won’t seek help.

As a long term SAHM beginning to look for employment, I know how hard it can be mentally as a SAHP to support their working partner who has a great career, good income, prospects etc. I often feel worthless as I don’t bring in anything of monetary value and I’m basically a full time housekeeper and seen only as someone who does everything for everyone else. Yes, that’s what I signed up for and it’s my own doing and I’m grateful for so much time with the children but it’s so hard to reverse once you’re set up in that situation and can feel quite hopeless, so I do feel for your partner. It’s brilliant you are so supportive about sharing the domestic load if / when he does get a job

I don’t want him to be a SAHD. I mean if he wanted to ok I’d accept that but it’s definitely not what I want. As soon as he gets a gig I switch gears back to 50/50 household and kids stuff. I make sure he can focus on his work. I don’t need or want someone doing all the house work while I focus on my career, I want to spend time w the kids and be engaged in the household stuff. I like baking and only I take care of the kids clothes and the laundry and he doesn’t know how to keep even a cactus alive! He’s a great cook and does just the cooking and also does this when he works as he likes it, so we have each our “things”, also when he’s not working. I always put the kids to bed, so I can spend time w them in the evening, since he’s done the pick up. My dream is overall us both working and sharing the household and kids stuff 50/50.

also, good luck to you, it must be daunting looking for work, just remember you’re not worth less just because you don’t bring in money. All you do at home for free is worth an equal amount to work done outside the home. But I know society doesn’t value work done at home as much, and that’s just the sad truth. I do and it’s not I don’t value DH’s contribution it’s just he’s so down and it’s due to his lack of work (and me pushing him) but even if I didn’t he’d still be down about not having work.

I don’t think it is healthy that your DC have plans every single weekend. It’s healthy to learn how to deal with a bit of boredom and not always getting what we want. I would not have done last minute calling round for play dates.

Your DH may not be signing up for the gym due to money worries. Perhaps better to see if there is a walking/cycling/running club or something in neighbourhood?

Keep talking to each other as to the whole SAHD thing because part of life is not always getting what we want in life but making the best of what we are given. 50/50 may not be possible in your home country.

I do wonder whether moving a little bit further out might get your DD her own bedroom? What is public transport like? How much would it add to your commute in time and cost?

If he is in arts/music/creative, is there a community of expats from his home country? Maybe they would have contacts to increase the gigs he gets?

Well…I do agree kids need to learn how to deal w boredom and they don’t have plans every minute of every weekend, but an entire day with not a single plan in a 2 bed flat in winter and rain for a 9 and 7 year old isn’t great either…mainly it’s really not enjoyable or relaxing for anyone to listen to them bicker and complain they’re bored…due to them going to an international school, their friends aren’t nearby, so just popping over for an impromptu play date isn’t an option.

i think he’s just got into a very down phase and just isn’t taking initiative for anything. So he’s also not getting in touch w anyone from his community.

His bad mood also affects the kids, ie he’s so bad at dealing w their tempers and just escalates the conflict every time they get moody or defiant, by being super strict and shouting at them. It’s driving me nuts and when I try to talk to him about handling it differently he just gets defensive and goes “stop lecturing” and “you always do everything right don’t you” even though I always tell him that I make lots of mistakes w the kids too and always tell them I messed up and that I’m sorry if I’ve snapped. I’m very far from perfect and he knows I’m aware of that.

Sounds like cabin fever. I agree winter is tough.

he’s moved to my home country for my sake and that this is a big part of the reason for his unemployment

Is he unhappy living where you are? Is there any alternative that he would prefer?