DF commenting on PP weight

[SparkleJolly]

Just need a rant because I've bitten my tongue and it's starting to really annoy me.

5 months PP with much longed for DS and every time we see DF he asks how I'm getting on with my fitness or when I'm getting back to the gym, but he's now started to make direct reference to my weight saying I've got a bit of timber on me or I need to shift some bulk etc. Apart from getting to grips with motherhood & my amazing son, I'm also having tests for a potential chronic condition that is affecting my ability to do the exercise I normally love doing, he is even asking now whether this condition is to do with my weight! I just feel really flat because my body confidence is already at an all time low.

DF is a fitness fanatic and has a very outdated attitude towards all things body confidence. I'm aware I need to lose a little bit of weight and get moving again but I don't need it pointing out every time we see them! What do I do!?

I feel for you, I've had this. But it was my charming mother and father and I wasn't even pp.
The only thing you can do is tell him exactly what you've typed in this thread, if you haven't already. If he doesn't 'get' it, literally walk away every single time he starts on the subject of your weight. Just shut him down. You really don't need to hear that shite.

He sounds lovely(!) Not! I'd say mind your own business I've just made a human being, if you can't say anything nice then please, say nothing at all.

If he continues then I'd bin him as a friend.

Sorry maybe I've got the abbreviation wrong it is my dad making these comments

No you got it right, not sure why people don't understand. He sounds like my dad, who I (not coincidentally) am very low contact with!

My dad is the same. You just have to say - dad, stop commenting on my weight all the time. If he argues back I’d say ‘it’s rude and it upsets me’
if he doesn’t accept that, he’s a dick.

Tell him you don’t want any comments about your weight, it’s not helpful. Text if that’s easier.

If he persists, you get up and leave.

I'd do as a pp suggested. Walk straight back out and tell him you'll come back when he finds his manners.
Congratulations on your son.
It's no wonder so many women have body issues when some men think it's any of their business it's not.

My dad asked me at 8 weeks post partum: have you lost the weight yet? (He lives abroad, so he hadn't seen me yet).

Still hurts.

I ruined my body creating a human and taking care of it but all that matters is that I'm thin. We women have no value to society unless we're good to look at.

He shouldn't be making these comments at all. It's none of his business what size/shape/weight you are! You have a beautiful baby to concentrate on; fitting into my jeans again so soon would be well down my list of priorities!

Have you actually said anything to him yet about how you find it upsetting? When he asks you a question just reply 'I find this obsession you have with my shape and weight a little bit weird and upsetting Dad; lay off please'. Hopefully he'll get the message but if he doesn't do as others have suggested, just shut down, ignore and walk away.

Have you tried: “fuck off Dad. My body made and birthed an actual human. When your body can do that, we can talk.”

haha...or try that!! 😂

I would text him - people get defensive and don't actually 'hear' the message in person with stuff like this i find - so you could text 'hey dad, I know you don't mean to upset me, but if we can avoid discussion about my weight and exercise in future that would be great - having a hard time at the moment and I dont want to come away from seeing you thinking about that, I just want to enjoy seeing you. Looking forward to seeing you at xxxx meetup'

To be clear, my immediate instinct is to tell you to say 'dad, I don't know if anyone's updated you recently, but constantly making snide comments about my weight and exercise makes me feel like shit - I know you grew up in a different time, but making comments about other people's bodies is not actually okay, it's none of your business and honestly, it makes me not want to come round - I'd would hate it if anyone spoke to my child like this so I don't know why you want to talk to me like this - please stop'

But I think the gentle approach is good at first, more likely to actually land... depending on your dad's temperament, I know some people only seem to actually listen if you lose your temper!

I thought you were referring to your fiancé, and was going to advise you to shift some bulk by cancelling any wedding plans and getting shut of him. As it's your father, I would shut it down completely. Tell him you're not going to enter into any discussion about your weight as it's none of his damn business. If he continues to carp, I'd either leave, or tell ask him to leave if he's at your house. Being your father doesn't give him any right to make personal comments about you, that's very rude and ignorant.

Honestly, his behaviour is basically giving permission to stop being polite.

Look over your shoulder and round the room when he starts. Let him ramble on.
Tell him "oh sorry. I thought there was someone here who looked like gave a shit. Sorry. What were you saying?" And do this on repeat.

Download this track onto your phone.
Press okay the minute he starts. Stare at him. Wait until he stops talking. Walk off.

I had that from my ex FIL and MIL, always commenting e dry time they saw us (which thankfully wasn't all that often). It was always dressed up as 'concern' too, which made me look like a dick if I tried to tell them how rude they were being. Never a single comment to their own son who'd put on a fair amount himself and hadn't any reason for his weight gain.

I don't know what to suggest except to remind yourself that they are just exceptionally rude and you don't have to listen to your dad when he's saying this stuff. It's not like he ever gave birth after all so can't have first hand experience!

Thank you everyone! I had a fairly stressful pregnancy towards the end and gave birth via c section so I wasn't even able to do anything strenuous for the first 12 weeks! Not that it matters one bit but I am actually back in my pre pregnancy jeans but that falls on deaf ears as my body has changed & I've got a "mum tum" which believe me when I say is one of my proudest achievements!

took me 9 months to grow your grand child it will take just as long until my body starts t o return to normal

This! It always starts about how my health is etc then falls into weight talk...

He's one of those odious men who only sees a woman's worth in her appearance no matter how successful she is.

Being your father he sees you as an extension of himself. If you look good then he looks good and if you don't look good to him then he doesn't look good.

I would tell him if he makes any further comments on your appearance that you will cut contact with him. If he gives you the bullshit excuse about being concerned about your health tell him his constant comments are bad for your mental health.

the answer is "fuck off"

He sees you as an extension of himself so if you’re not fit and lean then he takes it personally. My Dad is always commenting on my weight. I have finally shifted the weight I’ve been carrying nearly my entire life and the comments still happen, but more so hypothetical (don’t get that gastric bypass surgery…or, they have lots of nice food but don’t eat too much), etc. I was never even contemplating surgery but never mind!

Edited to add that he does this with my nephew as well, who is genuinely very obese, and I was a good 60 pounds overweight myself so can’t say it isn’t really true but the constant comments really don’t help. It’s not like we don’t know without being constantly reminded.

“Dad, you can shut up about my weight, accept me as I am now and continue to see me and the baby

OR

You can continue to belittle and criticise me but I won’t be coming around to hear it”

You don’t have to spend time with people who make you feel shite, OP.

I like it!

If that doesn't work, I would be making it clear to him that if he can't find another subject to talk about, you won't be visiting him nearly so much.

I hate how people dress up commenting on others’ bodies as “health concern”. It’s hypocritical - if you’re going to body shame someone then at least own it!

Sorry, not much help here - just to say I really feel for you, OP and it’s 100% not ok. It wouldn’t be ok even if you hadn’t just had a baby - but focusing on your body and not the amazing GC you’ve just given him is really disgusting.

My parents make comments on other people’s bodies (thankfully not mine) and it used to really bother me. Now I just say “I don’t want to be part of this discussion” and leave it there. At first they ranted & railed, but now I’ve noticed that they’ve stopped doing it in front of me because they know it gets no reaction. I’d suggest a similar approach - you do NOT need to justify yourself or your body to him!

Tell your father to fuck off. Until he's carried and given birth to a whole new person, with all the hormonal, physiological and emotional stress that places on the female body/mind then he can keep his ridiculous, judgemental comments to himself. What an absolute arsehole.