Partners who shut them down when you show emotion?

[1234567HoHo]

Does anyone else experience this from their partners please?
When I show the slightest emotion I got told this, As if it's unacceptable. This morning I shared that I was fed up with the kids, he didn't respond to what I said, just how I said it. Told me to not get wound up, to not let my emotions get the better of me.

I responded that a bit of empathy would be really nice, rather then being shut down. He doesn't get it. I didn't say this in a horrible way, not in angry way, just trying to talk.

Aibu to want empathy,rather than being told showing emotions is unacceptable?

Fyi I wasn't shouting, just shared it while getting on with day to day stuff. When tried to calmly talk about it told I was trying to start an argument.

Yes, same here. I calmly said that I’m tired after feeding our baby all night every night - I don’t often complain, just feel I need to share sometimes. He just gets angry when all I’d like is a ‘I know darling, you’re amazing’. Same if I’m sad about something that has nothing to do with our relationship all, he doesn’t show any empathy, just leaves the room or gets angry when I try to talk to him.

Lack of empathy is a killer.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. That sounds awful, when you are tired from the baby.

It's like he takes me being upset, or fed up with something as a criticism, and can't hear any emotion in me without trying to shut it down.

I don't understand, as I am not trying to start an argument.

There's obviously something wrong. It seems unlikely to me that you simply said "I'm fed up." in a calm, neutral way and someone told you to calm down and not let your emotions get the better of you.

Either he's gaslighting you ie making out you're completely unreasonable and emotional when you're just stating something. Or you have a habit of getting wound up and he's fed up with it.

Alternatively he's treating you with contempt and just wants to shut you up. In that case your relationship is probably over.

Ironic that he gets angry at your emotions, anger is an emotion in itself.

But does anyone say I am fed up in a completely neutral manner? I wasn't screaming, was there emotion in my voice, of course, but nothing outrageous.

I think perhaps we aren't compatible. As it feels like any emotion is too strong, even when talking calmly, I get accused of being angry.

Does everyone else bottle up what they are feeling throughout the day, and have an outer projection of calmness, and then journal on their own to dispel emotions? I a feeling rather lost with what next tbh.

We have got to the point where he has shared that he doesn't like to hear emotion, and happy to share that. What next for me though, if I can't voice upset until later whilst sugar coating it...I'm lost.

I once read something about some people - more often men - not being able to deal with partners emotions because they don’t know how to fix it and rather than wanting to feel helpless, they feel angry and then blame you for this anger. I think that’s the case with my partner.

Yes, absolutely. I often say to him, when he says I am coming across angry, that I am not feeling angry, and that I am trying so hard to talk in a calm manner.

It feels like gaslighting,but he says not. Could he not be aware of doing this?

You could be right,he is a fixer.

But I am feeling quite 'done' with this.

I also often feel that he is projecting what he is feeling into me, ie. The anger.

I had / have something similar from my partner but he has changed in response to my feedback and requests. I explained I don’t want him to fix my problems, or to feel stressed if he can’t and react to me with exasperation. That would do the opposite of calming me down and would make me feel worse.

He tends to respond to me with empathy now. It’s just about pausing and saying something nice, or giving a little hug/ squeeze. It’s actually easier for him to do this but weirdly he needed to be taught it. Luckily for me he was willing to do this.

OP I can only go with what you've written but he obviously sees your emotions differently to you. For example, he says you're angry but you say you're not.

The way you're coming across to him is angry though. From what you say, you are overly emotional quite frequently.

It's subjective. I was brought up in a shouty house and I can't stand shouting. I don't do it and I don't want a shouty partner even if they 'don't mean it'.

Your partner is asking you to better regulate your emotions. You can either work on that or as you say, find someone more compatible.

My DH is like this, he says everything I say is too emotional. Happy or sad. He finds me expressing excitement or happiness just as disturbing as sadness, anxiety or anger. If I want to discuss something with him I have to do it by text because even if there is a mild note of annoyance in my voice he says I'm insanely angry and shouting and will walk out of the room mid sentence and refuse to engage. He is a very quiet person who goes silent when he's feeling any emotion. He shares no emotions with me at all. He regularly tells the kids off for laughing too loudly. The funny thing is everyone says I'm too quiet and should speak up more, except DH who thinks I'm this wild women crackling with fury over mundane domestic arrangements.

I am glad to hear that you have worked through it.

I have clocked it is happening, from years of it. I was trying to express this morning this, and I got it thrown back at me. Perhaps later I will pick it up again.

My partner is like this too. It’s exhausting and feels very lonely when times are hard.

I agree, it can make you feel very lonely, as you can't express what you are feeling. I feel shut down.

I had parents like this: I was told how I felt and no 'allowed' to have my own emotions and feelings.

Completely destroyed me while I was growing up and messed up my ability to relate to people as an adult.

So no, I would never be with someone who behave in this manner.

I think it's subjective though.

To be told that you are shouting when you are talking.

To be told you are angry when you are not feeling angry.

It causes me to think wtf?!

Yes, I grew up with parents who bottled their emotions. So I don't feel showing them, and talking about them, and showing empathy to one another as a bad thing.

I feel bottling them in unhealthy. Not saying rant and scream though, that's not ok.

How do you feel about him doing the same to your child?

He may have been taught to suppress his emotions by his parents. Unfortunately this type tend to think their way is the right way, and will continue the pattern into the next generation.

I feel incensed about him shushing our children. I pick him up on it.

Then we're back to something being wrong in the relationship if you're not shouting or angry. He's shutting you down.

It's like when someone abusive says they don't like your tone.They're deflecting and trying to shut you down.

If someone is trying to shut you down there's a lot of resentment there. I would try to have a conversation about it and if he simply won't listen to you and says you're being emotional then you don't have anywhere to go from there. There's not much you can do without communication.

I’d say it’s just different communication styles. That can be overcome, with a will from each side. You can agree to sit down and each explain, without interruption, how you feel, and what you need, and try to understand the other point of view. Or, if it’s too hard, try a few sessions with a good couples counsellor, who will provide a safe space and allow you to see how what each of you is doing is unintentionally “triggering “ the other. Good luck.

Have you not pulled him up on it before? Every time my partner did this with me I would get visibly stressed and become angry at him, and demand he responded differently. Eventually after lots of conversations he changed. Everything is much calmer now and less reactive and more supportive now. I feel like you’ve been too passive until now about the impact on you?

My ex was like this, it was so horrible. I would cry and he would just stare at a wall or at the tv. Really emotionally damaging.

This might not apply here but just something that I thought I would mention in case it resonates with anyone.

My DP is the best, most hands-on, hard-working, loving, supportive and loyal man I have ever met. If ever ANYTHING needs doing or anything is wrong he is will sort it, no hesitation and no questions asked.

However. As amazing as he is dealing with physical problems and ones he can sort, he really, really struggles with anything emotional. If I am having a "wobbly" / hormonal episode, he just doesn't know how to cope. He doesn't get angry, he is just completely at a loss as to what to do to help. It's like, because it isn't a physical problem he can "fix" then he panics. And yes, lines like "you just need to chill out" come out quite frequently and drive me mad 😂

It's taken some time to realise this and we actually had a chat not so long ago where he told me he just feels useless when I am upset or stressed because he knows he can't resolve it.

I think we're being led into the thinking that there are few differences between the sexes and men should understand everything women go through but it's just not the case!

We are wired differently. Men don't have the hormones surging through their bodies that we do. My DP cannot understand how, for a few days each month, I am literally a raging maniac whose emotions are out of control and am probably quite unrecognisable from the controlled, measured and "normal" person I am the rest of the time!

I'm not going to force him to understand or leave him because he doesn't. Just like he won't leave me because I had a breakdown and cried over him putting the pillows on the bed the wrong way during a particularly bad case of PMS 😂

As long as he is there and being quietly supportive (and offering me a brew / glass of wine!) when he knows I might need it, that's enough.

He is very black and white and I can be everywhere in between. And it works.

Men are brought up to control their emotions unfortunately.