Partners who shut them down when you show emotion?

[1234567HoHo]

Does anyone else experience this from their partners please?
When I show the slightest emotion I got told this, As if it's unacceptable. This morning I shared that I was fed up with the kids, he didn't respond to what I said, just how I said it. Told me to not get wound up, to not let my emotions get the better of me.

I responded that a bit of empathy would be really nice, rather then being shut down. He doesn't get it. I didn't say this in a horrible way, not in angry way, just trying to talk.

Aibu to want empathy,rather than being told showing emotions is unacceptable?

Fyi I wasn't shouting, just shared it while getting on with day to day stuff. When tried to calmly talk about it told I was trying to start an argument.

"Men don't have the hormones surging through their bodies that we do. My DP cannot understand how, for a few days each month, I am literally a raging maniac whose emotions are out of control and am probably quite unrecognisable from the controlled, measured and "normal" person I am the rest of the time!"

Men have moods! They can be just as moody as us, just not in a cyclical way.
They can have hormone fluctuations too, just not monthly like us.

I’m a woman and I think I’m like your DH. I can cope with a moan from him every now and then but if he’s really angry at work and ranting or very moaning about his train journey but on reflection I do try to say something upbeat along the lines of ‘that sucks but oh well’

I just can’t bear the rants or moaning. I find things tough in life but I self soothe by doing something I enjoy. I do unburden every now and then to family and friends with a vent but im not a fan of listening to daily offloading of shiz from my husband

Sending you empathy OP!
My DH usually ignores me if I express being fed up, eg if I say something like “I had a really bad night’s sleep”… so then I end up repeating it later, because I just want a wee bit of sympathy or at least some acknowledgment. Then he accuses me of “going on”!

Mine is like this. He sees any kind of negative emotion as a direct, personal attack, so responds by getting angry and defensive. There's probably something there about feeling like he has to "provide", in the sense of meeting all my needs, so feeling like he's failing if I'm unhappy. But ironically, my "need" in that moment is quite simple to meet - with a little empathy!
I also think men are socialised from a young age to believe that anger is the only acceptable male emotion. They're not "supposed" to feel sad or scared or confused, or any other vulnerable type of feeling that an open conversation about emotion might bring up in them, and over decades they learn to replace these feelings with anger.
My DH has started telling our 5yo to go into another room when he's crying about something that DH considers trivial. When I told DH I wasn't on board with that he said that's what his dad used to do, and he's fine... 😬 So I can see why he's so uncomfortable around emotion. But it is exhausting constantly having to censor yourself, or not being able to express any sadness or frustration because it's not worth the inevitable argument.

Very sorry to hear this.

Perhaps you need to talk it through with him, what you need

Reading everyone's comments this morning has given me more understanding of my partner's views, but strength to work through it.

This broke my heart.

You could be right. That the only emotion they can name is anger, this resonates with me and likely explains why this is reflected that I am being angry.

Your situation resonates with me. Your post made me feel very sad for your 5 year old.

Thanks. I think in my case, it triggers my DH when he thinks I'm 'moaning' as it reminds him of him mum who complains a lot. Still, all we need sometimes is a little bit of care, like "oh I'm sorry to hear that" or a hug! Reading your thread has helped me see that we need to try to make our partners understand this. I hope you manage to resolve it in your case. xx

Awe, good luck 😊🙏🤞✨

I never said men don't have moods. Of course they do (I knew my post would go down the wrong way!).

What I meant was, every single month without fail I have a few days / one week where I am literally a different version of myself. I have always suffered with bad PMS in particular with my emotions. And so I can go to bed one night absolutely fine, and wake up the next morning and burst into tears at running out of shampoo.

Granted this isn't the same for all women, I get that!

But it has been scientifically proven that your hormones and menstrual cycle can influence your mood.

My DP has "moods" but generally these are for a tangible, rather than hormonal reason (i.e. bad day at work, loads of traffic on the way home, MIL driving him mad).

I understand about PMT. I get it too. I've found that most men know about it, although they may think it happens during your period rather than before.

"it has been scientifically proven that your hormones and menstrual cycle can influence your mood"

And what I'm saying is that men can also have hormonal fluctuations that affect their mood, they're just no linked to a menstrual cycle.

"My DP has "moods" but generally these are for a tangible"

OK, but plenty of other men get moody for biological reasons - hungry, tired, got out of bed the wrong way. Your DH is not moody, but plenty of men are. I've actually seen 'hanger' be much more of a thing in men than women.

My dh has started doing this as he's got older. If I ask a question about something we've already discussed he'll tell me not to go on, well that backfired when he missed something from a shop that was closing down because he forgot and I didn't check with him what day he'd said because I wouldn't want to be accused of going on.

I do tell him that I don't need him to solve any issues for me just to listen.

@Nc546888 I think I'm similar. I find the only way I cope is slowing down, deep breathing etc. I probably internalise too much. By contrast DH is all big energy and drama and i find it so difficult to live with. It's just so jarring.

Just this morning he realised he was going to miss a bus and he let out a roar then had a screaming rant about the transport app being wrong. I just sat there silently and then he accused me of blanking him and being mean, what did he expect me to do, start howling in response? Squawking maybe? Punching the wall? What physical or verbal thing could i possibly have done to show empathy?. When he calmed down a bit I said sorry you missed it can I do anything to help and he said yes any chance you could drive me to a different bus stop, which I happily did. If he behaved like an adult I'll respond like one. I just can't deal with tantrums.

My DH shows he loves me by fixing the problem or doing something I ask him to do. He's kind and very loyal. He's also very calm, I've only seen him angry once...he probably shouted twice, and he was sad a couple times in 20 years of us being together. But we often have a good laugh together and he's happy and optimistic the vast majority of the time. I am more moody and pessismistic than he is, but I think I feel the good things more deeply than he does. I find that I have to discuss things calmly with him, or on email, or he just shuts down. we are just wired differently.

It's a man thing. There's a million and one hypotheses about this very subject. My DH was like it, although he didn't get angry. He just seemed incapable of saying "there, there now" if I was sad or someone at work was being unpleasant or whatever. My adult son is like it too, although he's more likely to get exasperated and reel off a list of things I can do to "help myself". And no, neither of them are on the spectrum. Conversely, both of them can talk for hours about their woes and expect me to stand to attention whilst listening. It can be soul destroying at times.

OP, you say he is a fixer. Why don’t you phrase things differently to achieve desired outcome? If you just want to moan, come here and tell us, we won’t judge. But to him - you must know how to word it best - just say things like - are you able to do XYZ today? I just need to have a bath to take the edge off or I will start getting moany? Sort of give him a chance to prevent you from feeling like you did, best outcome for all.