To handle DD’s birthday like this? (Autism)

[ECJW98]

DD has autism and her 9th birthday is coming up this weekend. We originally was going to a theme park of DD’s choosing however she is becoming increasingly heightened over her birthday as a whole and I think it might be too overwhelming for her.

For comparison - she was the same about Christmas last year (she screamed the whole day), so this year we aren’t even celebrating it. Haven’t put a tree up or anything like that, got her a few bits but aren’t going to wrap them and will just leave them laying around for her to play with casually sort of thing, and not mention when it is Christmas Day.

AIBU to think we might have to treat her birthday in the same way if she’s already finding it overwhelming? As in, just have a chilled out day at home and leave her new toys laying around for her to find but not do the day out or anything like that?

I know anything birthday related probably will tip her over the edge - a cake or decorations for example - but equally I feel SO unbelievably guilty if I just basically don’t acknowledge her birthday at all?

I’m just so so worried about triggering her off and really don’t know what’s for the best. Has anyone got any advice please? Especially anyone in the same situation x

Just do whatever you think will make her happiest. If that is no cake, no decorations etc then that is fine. You want it to be all about her - not expectations of what a birthday 'should' be like. We get judgement from family for never having parties for DS (autistic), but he would hate a party. We spend his birthday doing things he likes each year, just me, him and his Dad. Please don't feel guilty about doing things differently, you know your child best.

My son is autistic, and experiences overstimulation and overwhelm, though not exactly like this. Would spreading things out help at all? Have a birthday month, instead of day. Not something everyday of the month! You could write a list of the things you'd like for her: cake, day out, presents, time with friends and then make a plan for her to experience each one in a different day. If the cake itself is too much, then would she like to go to one of your dessert cafes? Could you put a candle on one of her normal desserts/foods. Or have a candle in a candle stick on the table and she gets to blow it out? Obviously my ideas are just examples, but you get the idea of translating each separate birthday element that is important to you into separate moments.

My autistic child has a massive hang up about his birthday. Hates all fuss or mention of it and used to get wound up about it months in advance. Other than presents (he’ll happily accept presents as long as they’re things he wants!) we do nothing on his birthday. I’m not going to upset him to meet other people’s expectations of what he should enjoy. I would do what your child would find easiest and try not to feel guilty about it, hard though I know that is. Can you move the theme park trip and just enjoy it as a day trip unconnected to her birthday another time?

Every person is different but FWIW when I asked my son about what it was about his birthday that upset him he said it was feeling under pressure to enjoy things he knew he was supposed to enjoy but didn’t and feeling let down that his birthday was supposed to be this amazing day but to him it wasn’t and it didn’t live up to the hype. He is much happier now that we agreed he can have a “not a birthday party party” at some random time of year, he can have a day trip of his choice for some random day of the year and the birthday song is just banned from his hearing!

Thank you so much for the wonderful advice so far! 💐it’s so hard because I have other people in my ear (who don’t have autistic children themselves) telling me that she needs to be wished happy birthday, needs to celebrate her birthday properly - when what’s the point when she’s going to scream all day and be so triggered by it? I think I’m going to follow my instincts, put my food down with other people and do it in the way I think DD will enjoy! X

How high are her needs? I just think looking back on a Christmas-less childhood is a pretty depressing thing. Can you not learn to navigate it at all?

Not unreasonable at all. You have to parent the child you have, and if this works then do it.
You might find that your child can handle a little bit more each year. But I like the idea from another poster, spread it out over a few weeks so it's not all taking place on one day. Applies equally to birthdays and Christmas.

I take it you don’t have a child with additional needs from the ignorance of this post? We are trialling no Christmas this year because of how hard she finds it, we kept our visit to Lapland UK because we had booked it earlier on in the year and she again, became extremely distressed by it all. What’s more depressing - having no Christmas and a content child or celebrating Christmas and having a child screaming all day long because she can’t cope?

yes I think it’s a good idea to keep it low key-unwrapped presents etc but maybe introduce some social stories, visual timetables etc (whatever works well for her) to help her acclimatise.
if she’s chosen the theme park won’t she be upset if you don’t go?

I think she might find the theme park quite overwhelming at the moment (she’s just spent 2-3 hours screaming before bed about it all), so I think I might use PP idea as a ‘day trip’ out another day instead and maybe have a chilled day on her actual birthday, get her favourite takeaway in and let her play with her new toys x

There’s no need to be rude at all. I have three children with additional needs. I think I was making a valid point.

You need to find the right balance that works for her. Your approach does sound a bit all or nothing though. I wouldnt dream of taking my autistic kids to Lapland UK, but they do enjoy a quiet Christmas at home. They get a lot of pleasure from Christmas routines, for example we have christmas story books that come out in December. I don’t expect them to join the table for xmas lunch, but the rest of us enjoy the lunch, and eldest might have a plate of food in another room, which is absolutely fine.

I know how hard it is when family/friends dont understand but it does get better. All my family now get that we do it a bit differently.

That seems fair enough. The weather looks a bit miserable for a theme park this week anyway!
I expect it doesn’t help that her birthday and Christmas are so close. Must be a bit confusing and extra overwhelming

I’m sorry but I don’t agree about it being a valid point. She’s had 8 (?) normal Christmas’s and she struggles with them more and more each year to the point where last year was living hell and took weeks to recover from. Not all children can celebrate these things in the same way and there’s nothing depressing about that at all, I would much rather she is not stressed out and is happy and content and that’s more important than a holiday that technically is for religious people anyway.

I’ve offended you, I apologise. This truly wasn’t my intention. You are clearly a really good Mum, I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel bad. I hope you find a nice way to celebrate.

A Theme Park...?

With an autistic child?

In the name of all that is holy.... Who came up with that idea?

Bet it wasn't the kid.

With the Lapland UK, we went on the special needs superstar day which is adapted. This is the first year of doing Christmas differently because of how stressful last year was. I’m sure by next year, I would have worked out a better balance but honestly this year, we just needed a break from it all.

You're taking offence OP where none is intended. Is there a middle ground between lapland visits, and your planned Christmas. Perhaps a low key day and ask DD for 3 things she would like to do?

For example does she enjoy opening presents?

She wanted to go, and I applied for special passes so we didn’t have to wait in queues etc, so it’s adapted… if she wants to do something and it can be adapted then I give her those opportunities. Now would you like to make any other unhelpful comments or are you finished?

Theme park or nothing sounds like a big contrast. Might she enjoy something simple in between, if there is a social story and visual timeline to help her understand and prepare. So a present in paper rather than just left out. Or some birthday songs to listen to. Whatever works for your child is good.

In our house we have visual learners and people who don't make the connection from past experience s to future experiences

We have big note book where we write everything that happens by the hour for yearly experiences. column 2 states "my worries" the children write down their worries about this activity and we do our best to talk them but it's not really too successful.But the third column is "how did I feel" again the children write this down after the event.

So they have a physical record of their fears and worries and outcome.It's fascination to watch it change

This is a perfect time to it with a pared back Christmas,

Next year you could write down Christmas tree and see how that goes and add a few more things, you will be able to find their overwhelming point

It's so hard, I leave dds presents in her room so she can open then without any pressure, then we do a bbq on xmas day, so it's fun and a bit different, but not overwhelming with full on roast dinners and all that, and we plan the day ahead of time, I ask what she wants to do, so she will choose a film, maybe a board game, and has plenty of time to go into her room and do her own thing.

In the run up I tell her things that are on and she decides if she wants to go, and she knows she can back out any time if she wants as well.

My dd is 14 now so is very involved in discussions and planning leading up to anything like Xmas and birthdays.

It's just trial and error and finding the best way for you all 💐

Do you need to do christmas for a sibling?

Theme park probably bad idea. I find that type of thing worse in winter as you can't find a quiet spot to sit on grass and have a minute. Bad weather days out always more stress.

That’s what I’m planning on doing instead - for example, she would probably find a cake too overwhelming and potentially opening presents too. She enjoys going to the country park so a nice walk around there and playing in the adventure parks there with a takeaway of her choice might be more enjoyable for her.

That’s a great idea - thank you! X