To handle DD’s birthday like this? (Autism)

[ECJW98]

DD has autism and her 9th birthday is coming up this weekend. We originally was going to a theme park of DD’s choosing however she is becoming increasingly heightened over her birthday as a whole and I think it might be too overwhelming for her.

For comparison - she was the same about Christmas last year (she screamed the whole day), so this year we aren’t even celebrating it. Haven’t put a tree up or anything like that, got her a few bits but aren’t going to wrap them and will just leave them laying around for her to play with casually sort of thing, and not mention when it is Christmas Day.

AIBU to think we might have to treat her birthday in the same way if she’s already finding it overwhelming? As in, just have a chilled out day at home and leave her new toys laying around for her to find but not do the day out or anything like that?

I know anything birthday related probably will tip her over the edge - a cake or decorations for example - but equally I feel SO unbelievably guilty if I just basically don’t acknowledge her birthday at all?

I’m just so so worried about triggering her off and really don’t know what’s for the best. Has anyone got any advice please? Especially anyone in the same situation x

You do you as they day.
Is she in a special school? How are they approaching christmas?

Mine are not screamers but only really enjoyed xmas once they got to over 10 as they were so overwhelmed

No siblings to cater for and yeah, I think we’ll definitely give the theme park a miss for now!

I think if she's 9 and she hates it, definitely do what works for her. Presents can be really stressful - there are expectations around how you respond, and surprises can be difficult. The whole emotional experience can get quite overwhelming.

I have two autistic teenagers and we have a pretty low-key Christmas. We enjoy it and we have some traditions, but we have a relatively normal meal for Christmas dinner. It just works better.

I think it's ok for you to make her birthday enjoyable for you and to try to mark it in some way - it's a significant day for you too, and you can celebrate it. Maybe by getting out baby photos to look at, or whatever works for you. It's really hard when you need to do things differently and to worry about whether you are getting it right, but you can only do what you think is best.

Why don't you just ask her? Ask her what she wants to do and let her know every option is ok.
Does she like gaming and wants to game all day? Why not.
Watch TV all day? Why not.

Other people and their opinions and judgements need to get stuck where your non existent Christmas tree is!

If she doesn't like the tree then stuff the tree. I'm sure you aren't too bothered being adult.

Other people and their judgement are the source of nearly all parental doubt and shame. It's a lifelong process trying to walk your own path.

I have an Autistic son. I get it. The judgement is never ending but it's pointless trying to get others to understand.

Ask your daughter and there's your answer. What she wants not what you want or society says is right.

And yes try the social stories.
Examples online for christmas

Eg
https://adayinourshoes.com/social-stories-christmas/

Depending on the theme park - a winter visit wasn't so awful by the way. I have taken my autistic son to LEGOLAND this December as he just loves miniland. It is so much quieter in the winter and the big rides are not working so the noise is much better as well. Just putting it out there as an alternative point of view.

She does go to an SEN school, I know they’ve been doing loads of Christmas bits and they’ve said she’s been really unsettled this week so far so I’m going to ring tomorrow and see if the activities are setting her off at all and if so, how best to handle it because it could be that it’s pressuring her or making her feel anxious about it

She did ask her and she said "Theme Park."

She did but I think it was almost set as an expectation because when we spoke about it months ago that’s what she said, and now she feels like she has to stick to it. I think I’m going to present her with more chilled out options for the day and see how she responds and see if it calms her down a bit and takes any pressure off the day

I think your approach to Christmas and birthdays sounds good. I would add a touch more every year as you think the child will cope. It’s also something that only happens once a year, so maybe have a half birthday too. Maybe in the lead up to Christmas play veranda Santa (it’s on Bluey) to normalise Christmas.

Might be worth trying to establish if she's scared by the santa idea or anything like that.

I did a parents course recently and all of us parents had a different experience of christmas (and autism). None of the kids were big on having surprises. All of them got an alternative christmas dinner or their usual favourites. Most of us kept it very low key.
Its a different experience for everyone.

That’s really helpful thank you - because she has been saying she’s scared and not wanting to get ready for school last week which is really unusual for her and I know a lot of Christmas stuff has been happening there (that’s the only place she would have seen it last week). I’ll definitely have a chat with school in the morning x

My autistic child is obsessed with theme parks. That was his birthday treat this year to stay at Thorpe Park. He wanted to go to the open day of Hyperia (we didn't do it but he was willing to wait 4+ hours in a queue) Been to theme parks more than 10 times this year including 5 overnights.

He also will wait in queues (Only got an access card in October) as he wants to go on a specific ride. Even if it is 2 hours. It is the rest of us neurotypical ones who don't want to!

Sorry OP - I missed that part. Definitely go with a conversation saying ' I know you said theme park but I think it's going to be really overwhelming. What do you think?' Do you think that we should just do xy,z? How does that sound?

I do feel my own son will say things he thinks he should do she could be doing that - the idea is good, other kids do this, so I will say theme park too.

She'll be fine whatever you decide to do. She's lucky you give her so much thought and consideration - the greatest gift ever really.

Just by even thinking of not going to the theme park is you being a great mum. Mum guilt is so much more intensified when you have an autistic child.
I'd do your day as usual routine in the morning, have a couple of gifts for when she gets up but don't hand them to her just take her lead, if she sees them and is interested straight away or later but you know that cos you know your dd. If she can understand tell her you've paid and she can go on a day when she feels better about going? Would she understand if you printed tickets like not the real ticket but made one with her name on and stuff or I'm sure you can order them off etsy and the likes. If you have insta a mum with an account for her autistic son put a reel on today about these feelings, her account is really goos it mummyandherthree.autism reading yhat abd the comments on ut has really helped me today.

** that and the comments on it has really helped me today.

Please excuse my spelling.... my own autistic child hates me typing on my phone and was trying to take it from me 🤦‍♀️

Would she cope with being given choices for her birthday?
Like
Would you like a birthday cake? Would you like candles on the cake? Would you like us to sing happy birthday? That sort of thing. Making sure she knows that whatever she chooses is completely fine and that is what you will do.

My autistic dc need to know what they get and what is happening on Christmas and birthdays. DD gets very excited about Xmas but wouldn't cope with anything 'typical'. She'll receive and give a present in the morning and then stay in her room all day watching her favourite films and then eat a special Christmas dinner alone in her room - she just can't eat in the presence of other people. Her special food choice for Christmas is a Domino's pizza. She wouldn't eat fast food any other day, as it's not healthy, but it's her Christmas treat that she has decided on several years ago and turned into her Christmas routine. It's about making them happy, not ourselves. But I would still ask beforehand what your dd would like. Especially if she has been planning to go to the theme park, e.g. my dd wouldn't cope with me changing the plan, as she so struggles with any change.

I don't have a child with autism so I might not be much help but if it was me, I'd do whatever suits your child first and you as a family. Ignore all the outside noise. And happy birthday to your dd

I would definitely tell her she is a new age. I would make a short checklist with her the day before to show what will happen on the day (parents say happy birthday, open present from parents, get dressed, clean teeth, open cards).
She can tick them off as she does them and control which one is next and when.

Amazing post.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/christmas-resources

my Kids hace ASD and adhd. The deal is with Christmas and birthdays is keep the anticipation low. Talk to them about what presents they are getting ahead of time so they aren’t anxious about of being shocked. Our oldest used to write a letter to Santa and cut and paste catalogue pictures in it to make sure it was clear.

there is also a lot of anxiety around the different food. They don’t have to eat anything that they don’t want to, no questions asked. However they have to actually eat dinner not just dessert, but a sandwich is ok.

There is also a huge amount of anxiety about saying thank you for presents that they don’t like as it’s lying. I don’t have Room to post here but we have tried really hard to approach a lot of individual issues.