To feel judged by different standards at work

[Ereerenownow]

Work in a small team (10 of us) in a sales type business. It's often very stressful and people fall out with each other, shout and scream and generally bitch and moan all the time. I make it sound awful but it's actually not a bad place to work and the salary is amazing.
Issue is, I hate Christmas due to many childhood traumas and I've explained to a few colleagues that if I become a bit quiet and thoughtful, it's nothing to do with them, it's just me.
However, last week, our team and another went out for a meal and I wasn't invited. It was later explained that it was because they thought I wouldn't go because i hate Christmas..I was really upset to be the only one left out.
Today, the top boss came into the office and asked for a chat with me. Turns out, my lovely colleagues have complained that I've been quiet and withdrawn and making them feel uncomfortable. I was gobsmacked considering the arguments etc that happen on an almost daily basis and people were complaining about ME being quiet, even after I explained my reasons why. I never get involved in the arguments and get on well with everyone, or so I thought.
I now feel dreadful and look at my colleagues with suspicion as I'm not sure exactly which ones have complained.

Ah bless you. If you have told them you find Christmas quite upsetting and stressful, they may have thought they were being kind and helpful not inviting you?
I'm really surprised they would report you to HR just for being quiet and withdrawn. What do you think you're doing at work that would cause them to complain? As hard as it is, I would just try to be really professional at work, friendly but calm, game face on at all times. If you need to unload about stuff, find a friend outside of work or see a counsellor.

Hi thanks for your response. I hadn't thought I'd done anything wrong. I was quiet but I still joined in conversations just probably not with the same level of enthusiasm as usual. I'm gutted about being complained about. I've never said anything about the arguments etc which normally happen in the office so I now feel a bit paranoid that no one likes me and have just been waiting for an excuse to complain

Was it a complaint or a wellbeing concern?

The not being invited is because you have said you hate Christmas.

The office arguments are irrelevant really. If you don't like them (it's not very professional) then complain.

Your being withdrawn had been noticed enough to make your colleagues feel uncomfortable. I'm sorry to hear about your past trauma but I am whether you are actually well enough to be in work if you are unable to maintain professional levels of communication around this time of year.

My levels of professionalism are always high and still are. I achieve higher targets than anyone else in the team. I'm simply not getting as involved in office chitter chatter. People are always going through dramas here and I just felt my minor level of quietness is being treated differently that's all.

Complaint (informal)

Who complains about colleagues for being grumpy or quiet? Seriously? Maybe say you are worried but complaints should be reserved for actual serious problems harassment etc....If this happened in our place the person complaining would be told not to be so ridiculous.

Thank you, i was really shocked. The conversation was framed along the lines of colleagues raising issues about me being difficult to talk to at the moment
I don't agree with this, in fact I emphatically disagree. I think they may have been gossiping about me at the meal last week as this particular manager was there. He himself has thrown some whoppers of anger in the office when targets are missed.

And when i say difficult to talk to, I mean they meant just general chit chat in the office NOT on a professional basis

sometimes for general chit i use cover stories to mask my true perspectives to better fit in with the individual so i can then learn more gossip or intel from them, but i always prefer what i learn to keep as much to myself or have an expendable person who you can say told you x if needed

Could it be that whoever decided not to invite you to the meal has realised it was a mistake and is terrified that they’ll get reprimanded/fired for this and is striking pre-emptively?

Or maybe you took it to sound like a complaint, but really he was inviting you to open up?

Is it bonus calculation time and dog-eat-dog?

Perhaps one person mentioned an interaction with you (to explain why you weren’t at the meal), and then everyone else chimed in with their minor interactions, and when the boss took an interest they played along and it all got a bit exaggerated. (Sorry I don’t want to make you paranoid!)

If it goes any further you should ask for the absolute specifics, not ‘you’re a bit difficult to talk to at the moment’ but what actual words were spoken on both sides.

Thank you, good advice. I'm still licking my wounds but I will ask for specifics when I feel a bit stronger. I wouldn't be surprised it escalated like that and it is a very cut throat type of office

What a nasty bunch of workmates you have. Keep your head held high. You constantly smash your targets and don’t bitch about others. They’re just a jealous bunch of shits.
💐for you. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Thank you x

Sounds like a really toxic work culture - there are better ways to manage a stressful environment than by everyone bitching at each other. They’re unreasonable in general and they’re being unreasonable to you. But is that really so surprising in such a toxic environment? Maybe it’s time to look for a new job.

It sounds an awful place to work. You can do better op, look for another job.

You say your the top earner...this and the work place culture in combination tell me they have been looking for a way (even if subconsciously) to take you down a peg or two. You weren't at the dinner...someone piped up 'whys not here'....colleague jumped in 'showing concern (not)'. It's likely multiple people chimed in with thinly veiled glee at getting a pop in voicing that 'your dampening the Xmas spirit (poor them)'. And job done...they have took the shine off the office top sales person.

I don't think you were invited because of being down and their own selfish feelings on the matter...and that's likely not the work of one person. People who care about someone's feelings ask them and let them decide. I'm sorry OP...I was honest about likely intentions on the balance of probability.

I'd look for a different job or keep yourself to yourself re: your private thoughts/ feelings. They are definitely not your friends 😥😥😥

I would prefer to have all this out in the open. At you next team meeting raise the matter that you have been made aware that someone went to management and the reason given. Don't ask for names - they know who they are. Just tell everyone that you're disappointed because you'd already explained to your colleagues about how you felt around Xmas and could be a bit quiet around that time. They could have approached you directly. Also tell them you would have joined in the Xmas meal, but weren't asked, and you understand they may have misunderstood you, but this can be remedied next Xmas.

If they don't feel humbled by a direct and understanding approach from you, then you are in the wrong workplace

As already said, they probably think they're helping you by not inviting you to their Xmas event. Being quiet and withdrawn can be a sign of depression, maybe they thought that contacting HR would get you some help?
I may be wrong, but as I don't know these people, or your workplace, I can't judge but I do like to think the best of people generally.

The character of a business is determined by whoever runs it. My partners and I started a business many years ago which became the biggest in our industry and which we sold for so much my wife had trouble spending it.
Our strategy besides trying to be better than the competition was to have fun. This works very well. As the great businessman to whom we sold out said, "Contented hens lay more eggs."

If you all have that kind of relationship where people are raising voices all the time, why don't you just march in there and yell, "OK, which one of you f*#!rs reported me to management?" And go on to say that whilst you don't like Christmas, you DO like to be included in lunch outings. It will clear the air at the very least!!

Time to look for another job I think.

What a bunch of barstards. There are a lot of them out there unfortunately, if you can't ignore it you will have to raise a grievance or leave, I hate workplace bullies you just want to earn a living!!

That might actually be the best bet here!

I'm wondering if that person saying you shouldn't be at work has a heart! There was a recent study done by I think a gov body about how managers deal with these things and 50% were given specific training 50% weren't. The ones given the training had better satisfaction response from workers and staff retention than the ones not given that training. I think it's understandable you feel that way especially at a time you feel vulnerable and haven't actually done anything wrong! Maybe a counsellor in cognitive behavioural therapy would be a good thing as it just seems around christmas you feel this way. They could help you see christmas in a better light ✨️ so that you can actually enjoy it. It would be nice if those past experiences didn't stop you enjoying future festivities. X