DH raising volume while I'm on the phone

[Aworldofwonder]

Ok I'll try to keep it brief

DH rarely chats on the phone. In truth he doesn't really have anyone to chat to. I recently acknowledged to myself unpleasantly that I've started avoiding calls myself at home because he makes me uncomfortable when I'm on them and vowed to change this. It's subtle but passive aggressive things, big sighs and walking in and out of the room that I'm in (away from him), scowling and seeming annoyed.

A recent example -

Yesterday we were both ill, me moreso. He had looked after me all day. I was starting to feel human. I was in bed, DH downstairs. My brother phoned. My first instinct was to ignore then I gave myself a mental shake and answered. We were talking on the phone for a while when DH walked in and immediately looked annoyed. I mouthed who it was but he ignored me and left. Then he returned. My brother was speaking and I was listening. Then DH started talking to me. I don't mean he signalled he wanted to say something and waited or he mouthed one thing - he started a conversation and just kept talking. As if I wasn't already in a conversation. I stared at him then asked my brother to hold for a moment. I asked DH to stop. He walked out.

I've spoken to him about this stuff before. I'll be honest, our relationship was not good for the first few years but that is in the past. We went to a lot of therapy.

This got under my skin but I dropped it.

Now today, a big row and btw I do not come out here glowing either.

I had been on the go all day and was coming home to grab lunch. It was late, I was rushing. My DH was in the kitchen eating lunch. My phone buzzed, not officially my boss but close enough. I had to answer the call and at the same time walked into the kitchen getting the pleasantries out of the way. I waved at DH and mouthed who it was. He was listening to a podcast.

Now just to point out - neither of us would leave a podcast playing in the kitchen while the other person was there.

I kept the conversation going and started putting my lunch on kind of waving my soup at DH to show what I was doing. He scowled and I turned away. I wasn't going to get another chance to get lunch either.

Next thing he started raising the volume on his podcast - louder and louder. I pointed at the call and mouthed again who it was. He shrugged and raised it louder.

I was really pissed, gave him the finger and walked out.

Two mins later I came back in as I didn't want the soup to boil over and just decided to focus on the call which was hard but ok. Next thing DH started yelling "I was in here first, you came in here making noise, I was having my lunch..."

The boss stopped speaking immediately then said "is everything ok?" sounding concerned. I was so embarrassed and told him fine. The call was really awkward and ended abruptly.

I hung up and told DH he embarrassed me and he immediately started shouting that I disturbed him and then I started shouting back that he was back to his old ways and why did he behave like that on the phone with my brother yesterday and now my boss will have formed an opinion and nothing can be done and I'm sick of him. Then I totally lost it and started screaming at him to just fuck off because I was sick of him and being so stupid to think things could have changed because he always goes back to his true self. Then he took some deep breaths and went out of the room.

Maybe it doesn't seem like a massive deal. But I'm so angry. Why can't he just be pleasant, wave hello and understand that I wouldn't be interrupting him if it wasn't urgent (I wouldn't) and he's no right to impact my professional life.

“I'll be honest, our relationship was not good for the first few years but that is in the past.”

Are you sure? Because it’s not good now, is it?

So if you'd asked me yesterday I would say it's great, he's so good to me. Then there's stuff like this that is nothing to do with me randomly out of the blue, and I feel like throwing in the towel completely.

What I mean is I think he's had some bad news (I can guess what it is) and he is just acting like a prick to me with no thought of consequences.

Does it tend to go in cycles?

Is your phone fixed to the wall?

if so yes YABU. Does my head in when DH sits on his mobile taking a call rather than moving elsewhere.

but I think the phone is the least of your problems.

There's definitely an issue. Hin interrupting while you're on a call; and equally you didn't really cover yourself in glory with your multitasking. It mightn't have been a big deal in the great scheme of things, but as it was already a bugbear it was a given that the situation wasn't going to end well.

I think you both need to sit down and have a frank and painful conversation about how you take it from here if you want to stay together. Or not.

I could not cope. He is possessive.

Not ideal from either of you. Were you wfh? Did you have to answer your boss’ call? He was already in the kitchen listening to a podcast, not sure he should have to turn it off because you walk in on the phone? Him not liking you answering calls from family is a huge red flag. He is not ‘so good’ to you, is he?

I think your DH and relationships doesn't sound great. However, I must say that one of my pet peeves is when DH walks into a room where I'm sitting quietly either on my phone, watching TV, reading or whatever and talks loudly on the phone next to me.

I can imagine if I was enjoying 10 minutes peace in my lunch break and DH did this it would definitely wind me up. I wouldn't shout at him though.

These are quite different scenarios. If I was in the kitchen having my lunch and listening to a podcast and my partner walked in loudly talking on the phone, gesturing at me then giving me the finger - I’d be pretty pissed off.

If I was on a call to my brother and my partner walked in and ignored that and started talking to me - I’d be a bit pissed off.

so…I vote YABBU (you are both being unreasonable - tho I think the kitchen example is most egregious)

I think your dh needs to get to the bottom of why he so triggered by not being the most important person "in the room" to you when you're on the phone. His behaviour is really irrational on the face of it. It might be rooted in a belief that you giving your attention to someone else for a moment threatenes his existence in some way (ie a him problem that you probably cannot overcome unless hes willing to rewire his beliefs about what a wife is) or maybe he feels chronically disregarded by you, making your (perfectly reasonable) complete exclusion of him when you are on the phone an intolerable reminder of a legitimate grievance that you might be able to sort together (if he can stop being so childish and address it maturely)

Well you walking into the room on the phone while he was listening to something is rude, so him turning up the volume as an isolated incident would be fair on his part, however there is more to it and his behaviour than this.

If he is regularly talking to you, scowling at you and walking in and out of the room anytime you are on the phone, then that is just so unacceptable I don’t have expressive enough words for it.

You need to calmly and firmly ask him why he does these exact things while you are on a call and patiently wait for his explanation, if he doesn’t give one or goes off track or tries to blame you by bringing up your intrusion, then apologise for that but again firmly ask him the exact question again and wait, keep doing this until he explains, if he doesn’t then just work out how to leave.

Do you not what - you are all correct here.

My behaviour was not good today. From my pov I only had a few mins to get my lunch on and yes I had to answer the call but he wouldn't have known this.

I massively overreacted because of the previous stuff and I will talk to him about this when we are calm.

Thanks for talking me down. I have old wounds and I can go to the nuclear option in my head.

Sounds like he doesnt like your attention being taken away from him.

Do you have children? If not, I hope you are not planning any as this is the sort of guy who will be insanely jealous because your child is getting most of your attention and not him.

Hang on though. A phone call is, by definition, an in the moment thing.

A podcast can be paused and restarted.

He couldn't have paused it for a few minutes while you were obviously trying to squeeze in a work call and lunch?

I cannot imagine a scenario in which I would purposefully interrupt my partner's phone conversation, especially with a boss. I may well feel put out at having to pause my podcast, but so what, it's a podcast!

He doesn't sound very accommodating or kind.

And sure, you could have done things differently too, but there seems to be a lot of history of him chipping away at you, and everyone has a breaking point.

WTF he’s coming off here sounding very deranged. I’m on the phone every day because I have responsibilities to attend to, and when my DH sees I’m on the phone he turns down whatever he’s doing or I’ll go into another room. He wouldn’t throw a tantrum over it, that is really OTT and immature.

But he wasn’t interrupting it. He was just minding his own business having his lunch and OP walked in on the phone interrupting him. I also work in a busy job and I think if you can’t find 10 mins to put your soup on once you’ve finished the call/tell your boss this is literally the only 10 mins of unscheduled time in your entire day, you have bigger work problems.

Thanks for our update @Aworldofwonder - it sounds stressful all round. I hope your partner is helpful when you chat and you can get some downtime

I have a problem with people who think that having a one sided phone call anywhere near me is acceptable unless we are in a work situation. You running around talking on the phone while clattering around making soup is just ridiculous. I would be annoyed. He shouldn't be talking to you while you are on phone to brother either. It's not about control or anything else , it's just good manners.

Turning the volume up and saying "I was in here first, you came in here making noise, I was having my lunch..." is very much interrupting the call. He may have had a point but he didn't need to respond like that.

The brother phone call wtf he’s weird.

the kitchen one is more grey area but he could have decided to be accommodating and he chose to be a dick

My husband has a habit of interrupting my phone calls. It's an attention-seeking behaviour.
It drives me mad. And I let him know. We've rowed about it and he does it less now.
It overwhelms me op. I think you were perfectly ok to make soup and talk on the phone. He's had bad news and he's taking it out on you!
You probably need to have a chat about it. I'm sure you can sort it out
Good luck

This. Your DH’s behaviour is very odd, you were on the phone to your brother and he started a conversation with you? It sounds like he doesn’t like your attention being taken up with anyone else if you’re on a call tbh. Can he not listen to podcast using earbuds or earphones? DH and I don’t have the same interests and listen to podcasts without inflicting them on anyone else. A telephone call from your boss (or nearly boss) is important and he should have known you were limited on the time you had for lunch. What a rude man you’re married to OP.

So he was listening to something. You walk in using your phone and expect him to stop listening to his stuff because your more important rather than finish the conversation in another room?

He's doing enough to keep you from going then puts you back in your place. He's messing with your head. This is your life forever unless you leave.