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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Staying friends with a FWB. Who is BU?

51 replies

widelegtrouser · 17/12/2024 12:35

A colleague started a bit of a furore at our works Christmas dinner last night. Was lighthearted, but it instigated such a range of views. This is the scenario as explained:

A and B are in a relationship. Have been together for about 8 years. Not married, but committed. They have 2 children, a house and a business together (colleague is involved, but also works with us). About 15 years ago, B had a FWB, C. This was before A and B met.

B and C had been friends for a long time but hadn't seen each other often. Both had moved around quite a bit, then settled about 3 hours away from each other. Not much contact in the intervening years.

C has now got back in touch with B to rekindle friendship. They acknowledge that B is now with A. However, C has told B that they have feelings for them, then and now. C acknowledges that from B's perspective, it was a friendship and FWB at the time.

A doesn't think that B should stay friends with C.
B says they have no feelings for C, that it's just a friendship, and they should be able to stay friends.
A thinks B is unreasonable for wanting to stay friends with C, and C is unreasonable for telling B this in the first place.
B thinks A is unreasonable for trying to put an end to the friendship.

I've deliberately not used the sex of the parties, because some people did say they might think differently depending on who was male or female!

There were people agreeing with both A and and B, but also people saying it's not U for B wanting to stay friends with C, but now that C has admitted to having feelings, it's only going to cause hurt.

What do we think?

OP posts:
Annabella92 · 17/12/2024 12:39

I think it's really shitty and depraved to use someone you don't have feelings for.

Nogaxeh · 17/12/2024 12:39

In principle I agree that B should be able to be friends with C, but humans are fragile flawed beings and I don't think it's unreasonable for A to feel insecure about it, or for it to effectively act as C being strung along.

So the mature thing for B to do is to recognise that you can't have everything, and that they should keep a polite distance from C for the good of both A and C.

NRTFT · 17/12/2024 12:44

The 'feeling' bit muddies the waters. It's hard to be friends with someone who makes it known they have sexual or romantic feelings for you.

C should have kept it to themselves.

I have a few friends I shagged as a teen. In fact my whole friendship group was pretty incestuous and there are loads of past relationship/friendships. Everyone is now long term happily married and secure - the past is the past. We can all still party!
I know some friendship group probably couldn't handle this but we are all pretty resilient and sensible.

Original poster
widelegtrouser · 17/12/2024 12:46

Annabella92 · 17/12/2024 12:39

I think it's really shitty and depraved to use someone you don't have feelings for.

I'm not sure what you mean?

B didn't know C had feelings for them at the time. They thought they were both on the same page and it was just a casual thing.

Or is it shitty and depraved to expect a friendship from them now?

OP posts:
Original poster
widelegtrouser · 17/12/2024 12:47

Just to say, B has made it clear to C that it's just a friendship now on the table

OP posts:
ItGhoul · 17/12/2024 12:57

It would be absolutely fine to stay friends with C if C didn't have any feelings for B.

But as C has admitted to having feelings for B, then B should absolutely not remain friends with C. Even if B was single it would mess with C's head, and given that B is in a long-term relationship with A, to be friends with C now would mess with C's head and A's head. B is pretty selfish. I think.

Rickrolypoly · 17/12/2024 13:03

C has feelings for B, that should be the end of that friendship as far as I'd be concerned.

FOJN · 17/12/2024 13:06

It would be unreasonable of B to have a friendship with C.

I'd interpret it as B either enjoying the attention or keeping C on the back burner in case the relationship with A breaks down.

It would be a shitty thing for B to to. B needs to cut ties and move in so that C can move on to and A feels secure in their relationship with B.

GrumpyInsomniac · 17/12/2024 13:09

I look at it this way. C doesn’t just want to be friends with B, and has made this clear despite knowing that B is supposed to be committed to A.

This being the case, B either has the emotional intelligence of a potato, or is enjoying the fact that they are attractive to both A and C, where C may be actively trying to change the situation, which is grossly unfair to A and pretty disrespectful of the relationship they have built.

I think it’s very unattractive in B that they haven’t just shut this down and said that it’s not right to maintain this friendship with C while they want different things from each other, and to wish C well in the future. C shouldn’t just be used as an ego boost, and if B is committed to A, B should not be giving C false hope.

I would be interested to know the genders involved. I think I can guess, but would be interesting to have it confirmed.

museumum · 17/12/2024 13:13

If C hadn’t admitted to feelings I’d be on the side of B staying friends. BUT given C has admitted to feelings I think B needs to keep their distance.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 17/12/2024 13:23

Me and DP both have friends who are exes, and not just FWBs either, proper "lived together, intended to get married" exes. It's not an issue because me and DP are happy together, and because all past relationships are very much over, and noone has any feelings for each other.

If one of those exes still held a torch for me or DP though, that would be a completely different situation, and I'd certainly expect DP to drop that friend like a stone, and I'm sure DP would expect the same of me.

If nothing else, it's not fair on the ex to keep them hanging.

Incakewetrust · 17/12/2024 13:29

I know two FWBs that stayed friends with each other but they're both now happily married with different people.
It's the feelings that make it difficult.
Personally, I agree with A.
B is being unreasonable.

Original poster
widelegtrouser · 17/12/2024 13:29

GrumpyInsomniac · 17/12/2024 13:09

I look at it this way. C doesn’t just want to be friends with B, and has made this clear despite knowing that B is supposed to be committed to A.

This being the case, B either has the emotional intelligence of a potato, or is enjoying the fact that they are attractive to both A and C, where C may be actively trying to change the situation, which is grossly unfair to A and pretty disrespectful of the relationship they have built.

I think it’s very unattractive in B that they haven’t just shut this down and said that it’s not right to maintain this friendship with C while they want different things from each other, and to wish C well in the future. C shouldn’t just be used as an ego boost, and if B is committed to A, B should not be giving C false hope.

I would be interested to know the genders involved. I think I can guess, but would be interesting to have it confirmed.

I'd be interested to know your guess on genders!

OP posts:
Original poster
widelegtrouser · 17/12/2024 13:31

C has said that they understand B doesn't feel the same way.

For what it's worth, I agree with the consensus. Now that C has made their feelings known, it's not fair on anyone involved to try to maintain a friendship.

OP posts:
Cheeseandcrackers40 · 17/12/2024 13:31

It's not a good idea for anyone for them to be friends if one has feelings for the other, especially if that's been declared.

LetsNCagain · 17/12/2024 13:31

B is unreasonable. And, I'm guessing, B is a man

TheSilkWorm · 17/12/2024 13:33

B is BU. Nothing wrong at all with opposite sex/previous sexual partner friendships but everything wrong with trying to be friends with someone who has feelings for you. It's never a genuine friendship and honestly it's not fair on the person with feelings, leaving aside the fertile ground for cheating which it undoubtedly is.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 17/12/2024 13:41

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to stay friends with an ex or FWB, I’m still friends with my ex FWB and while my DP may not love it, he’d never ask me not to be.

However, there were/are no feelings there, it was just a bit of fun while we were both single.

DP was still in touch with an ex when we met, and they even met up and had heart to hearts about their relationship after we were together. It is hard to navigate but I respected their need to get closure etc. However when it became clear that she (the ex) still had feelings and would have liked to rekindle things I drew a line and ended the relationship. Having complicated feelings involved doesn’t help either party feel secure and I didn’t want to be with someone who knew he a strong connection with someone who would have him back in a heartbeat.

In the end we drifted back together and when he told her he was in love with me she backed off, but all this to say, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being friends with an ex DP, or ex FWB, but not if they still want to be with you.

Planesmistakenforstars · 17/12/2024 13:47

Given that there was a previous sexual relationship and current feelings involved: If A has made it clear that the friendship makes them uncomfortable then B should respect that and end it. Even more starkly since C specifically contacted B to rekindle a friendship that had drifted. It doesn't matter if B doesn't have feelings. A does have feelings about it and those should be more important than this friendship. (Assuming a healthy relationship with no issues of control etc.)

bunnypenny · 17/12/2024 13:50

LetsNCagain · 17/12/2024 13:31

B is unreasonable. And, I'm guessing, B is a man

I’d put money on B being a woman.

Strawberrysaucee · 17/12/2024 13:52

GrumpyInsomniac · 17/12/2024 13:09

I look at it this way. C doesn’t just want to be friends with B, and has made this clear despite knowing that B is supposed to be committed to A.

This being the case, B either has the emotional intelligence of a potato, or is enjoying the fact that they are attractive to both A and C, where C may be actively trying to change the situation, which is grossly unfair to A and pretty disrespectful of the relationship they have built.

I think it’s very unattractive in B that they haven’t just shut this down and said that it’s not right to maintain this friendship with C while they want different things from each other, and to wish C well in the future. C shouldn’t just be used as an ego boost, and if B is committed to A, B should not be giving C false hope.

I would be interested to know the genders involved. I think I can guess, but would be interesting to have it confirmed.

Totally agree with this.

I had a similar scenario when I was younger. I was B in the situation, C made a declaration of love and that they could never see me as just a friend (this was news to me) one night and unfortunately that meant our friendship did come to an end. It wasn't fair on C, who I did not feel the same about, or my then partner.

If B has any respect for either their old friend or current partner then they would let the friendship go.

For what it's worth, I actually think B is probably female.

BeensOnToost · 17/12/2024 13:56

If anyone expressed feelings of more than friendship to DH, he himself would close it down and keep his distance.

C clearly said something to put the feelers out and B would be fucking stupid to play with fire. There is no scenario where rekindling even a friendship, where one person wants more, is a good idea.

B wants to flatter their own ego.

lionloaf · 17/12/2024 14:07

I think it depends on whether C is happy to have a friendship with B, knowing that’s all it will ever be. If C has told B this to be honest, and thinks they will get over this in time, and is respectful of B’s relationship with A, and B is someone who always behaves appropriately and values C’s friendship, then that’s fine.

Otherwise, B is inviting unnecessary drama into their life and it will bite them in the arse sooner or later.

LoveSandbanks · 17/12/2024 14:11

remaining friends with someone who has admitted to having feelings for you is off the cards when you’re in a committed relationship. It’s playing with fire!

C wants B, just because B has said it’s friendship only doesn’t meant that C will stop
trying. They’re clearly happy to break up a. 8 year relationship.

Beamur · 17/12/2024 14:12

In an ideal world everyone would be fine and dandy and have friends without jealousy.
However if A isn't happy with the 'friendship' then if B values their relationship they prioritise A over C.
I don't think it's entirely unreasonable to not want your partner to be chummy with someone they used to have sex with.