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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Staying friends with a FWB. Who is BU?

51 replies

widelegtrouser · 17/12/2024 12:35

A colleague started a bit of a furore at our works Christmas dinner last night. Was lighthearted, but it instigated such a range of views. This is the scenario as explained:

A and B are in a relationship. Have been together for about 8 years. Not married, but committed. They have 2 children, a house and a business together (colleague is involved, but also works with us). About 15 years ago, B had a FWB, C. This was before A and B met.

B and C had been friends for a long time but hadn't seen each other often. Both had moved around quite a bit, then settled about 3 hours away from each other. Not much contact in the intervening years.

C has now got back in touch with B to rekindle friendship. They acknowledge that B is now with A. However, C has told B that they have feelings for them, then and now. C acknowledges that from B's perspective, it was a friendship and FWB at the time.

A doesn't think that B should stay friends with C.
B says they have no feelings for C, that it's just a friendship, and they should be able to stay friends.
A thinks B is unreasonable for wanting to stay friends with C, and C is unreasonable for telling B this in the first place.
B thinks A is unreasonable for trying to put an end to the friendship.

I've deliberately not used the sex of the parties, because some people did say they might think differently depending on who was male or female!

There were people agreeing with both A and and B, but also people saying it's not U for B wanting to stay friends with C, but now that C has admitted to having feelings, it's only going to cause hurt.

What do we think?

OP posts:

Snorlaxo · 17/12/2024 14:12

B is unreasonable.

I think that B is a woman who thinks that it’s harmless because she doesn’t have feelings but it’s cruel to A and C. If there were no current feelings then she could crack on but IME it’s men rather than women who contact exes to see if there’s another possibility for sex.

Original poster

widelegtrouser · 17/12/2024 16:37

lionloaf · 17/12/2024 14:07

I think it depends on whether C is happy to have a friendship with B, knowing that’s all it will ever be. If C has told B this to be honest, and thinks they will get over this in time, and is respectful of B’s relationship with A, and B is someone who always behaves appropriately and values C’s friendship, then that’s fine.

Otherwise, B is inviting unnecessary drama into their life and it will bite them in the arse sooner or later.

I think this is how B sees it. C knows they are not interested in anything more than a friendship. Everyone involved are adults and it's all out in the open. It would be a shame to lose a friendship over it etc,

OP posts:

lionloaf · 17/12/2024 16:40

widelegtrouser · 17/12/2024 16:37

Show quote history

I would guess then that B is a woman. Will you tell us the genders? I’m curious!

Burntout101 · 17/12/2024 16:40

It's a no from me

AmICrazyToEvenBother · 17/12/2024 16:49

While no-one is in the wrong per se, this has the propensity to blow up. B now knows that C had feelings for them, there's no unknowing that. I'd also wonder why C is suddenly so keen to reignite the friendship. In the very least, they're (C) quite vulnerable and B should take a step back.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 17/12/2024 16:57

I agree with A.
C is out to break A and B up.
C wants more than friendship with B

Original poster

widelegtrouser · 17/12/2024 17:03

A is male. B and C are female.

Some people last night said they may have felt differently if C was male.

OP posts:

Original poster

widelegtrouser · 17/12/2024 17:05

For what it's worth, I think B's heart is in the right place. She can be a bit of a people pleaser and I think she'd feel bad just shutting C out. I think by trying to keep everyone happy, she risks hurting them both in different ways.

OP posts:

AgnesX · 17/12/2024 17:05

FOJN · 17/12/2024 13:06

It would be unreasonable of B to have a friendship with C.

I'd interpret it as B either enjoying the attention or keeping C on the back burner in case the relationship with A breaks down.

It would be a shitty thing for B to to. B needs to cut ties and move in so that C can move on to and A feels secure in their relationship with B.

My thoughts entirely. B needs to think about this clearly.

Viviennemary · 17/12/2024 17:06

Far to complicated. It's like an algebraic equation

GretchenWienersHair · 17/12/2024 17:09

It’s not their former relationship that’s the issue, it’s the feelings. B is unreasonable for remaining friends with C. They’re doing so knowing that A is uncomfortable and knowing that C will be pining for them.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 17/12/2024 17:10

If C has feelings for B then the friendship is never going to work.

So no, B and C should not be friends. It's pointless.

lionloaf · 17/12/2024 17:11

widelegtrouser · 17/12/2024 17:03

A is male. B and C are female.

Some people last night said they may have felt differently if C was male.

I agree with this actually.

Original poster

widelegtrouser · 17/12/2024 17:41

@lionloaf Can I ask how would your feelings be different?

FWIW, some people said they were less worried about the friendship as C is female, and it be more concerned if C was male.

OP posts:

Original poster

widelegtrouser · 17/12/2024 17:42

Viviennemary · 17/12/2024 17:06

Far to complicated. It's like an algebraic equation

Is it really?

Substitute A, B, C for Andrew, Beth and Clare.

OP posts:

ARichtGoodDram · 17/12/2024 17:45

The fact that C approached B after a chunk of time and made it clear they wanted more than friendship means a friendship shouldn’t happen imo.

It’s never going to be a relaxed proper friendship because of the feelings and wouldn’t be fair on anyone.

Its also pretty disrespectful to A & B’s relationship to have approached B like that.

ARichtGoodDram · 17/12/2024 17:46

I bet B wouldn’t be overly impressed with an ex of A’s rocking up, declaring feelings and wanting to be friends…

Planesmistakenforstars · 17/12/2024 17:46

widelegtrouser · 17/12/2024 17:03

A is male. B and C are female.

Some people last night said they may have felt differently if C was male.

Is B bi? If not I can see her stance to a point, because she'll know that there is never any chance of anything happening. But it's showing an enormous lack of emotional intelligence and it still is not the point. The point is that she should be prioritising her relationship and A's feelings about her friendship with a person who feels strongly enough to confess their feelings to someone in a committed relationship, and probably got back in contact with her in order to do that.

MarkingBad · 17/12/2024 17:51

widelegtrouser · 17/12/2024 17:41

@lionloaf Can I ask how would your feelings be different?

FWIW, some people said they were less worried about the friendship as C is female, and it be more concerned if C was male.

Then they are daft and/or bigoted to think somehow a LGB relationship is lesser than a hetero one.

How pathetic.

B should stop stringing C along (Edited to add even though C got in touch) or break with A

PeloMom · 17/12/2024 17:56

It’d be very disrespectful to A if B continued / considered friendship with C.

lionloaf · 17/12/2024 18:10

widelegtrouser · 17/12/2024 17:41

@lionloaf Can I ask how would your feelings be different?

FWIW, some people said they were less worried about the friendship as C is female, and it be more concerned if C was male.

I see where B is coming from because it’s how I would think (and I’m a woman).

I would be less comfortable maintaining the friendship knowing C is a woman. I think men are more overt in their affections when they’re interested, and their advances are easier to recognise (and dodge!). I don’t think the same is true of women. I think it’s easier for women to be close and stay over and share things etc and it turn into an emotional affair. I just think it would be easier for the lines to get blurred between B and C if they’re are both women, compared to a male-female friendship. Female friendships are often more intimate than male-female friendships.

Incognitoburrito88 · 17/12/2024 19:24

overall I think it’s unfair for B to continue the friendship with C. I think it’s being cavalier with the feelings of A and stringing C along.

I might potentially feel a bit differently about B and C both being women depending on B’s relationship history… is she a Bi woman? Has she had serious long term relationships with woman? What sex have the majority of her relationships been with? If her FWB relationship with C was a uni friends fooling around together when they got drunk thing which she never repeated with anyone else then I’d be a lot less threatened than if she actually identified as Bi / Pan and had previously had relationships with woman.

OneCalmFish · 20/07/2025 07:56

GrumpyInsomniac · 17/12/2024 13:09

I look at it this way. C doesn’t just want to be friends with B, and has made this clear despite knowing that B is supposed to be committed to A.

This being the case, B either has the emotional intelligence of a potato, or is enjoying the fact that they are attractive to both A and C, where C may be actively trying to change the situation, which is grossly unfair to A and pretty disrespectful of the relationship they have built.

I think it’s very unattractive in B that they haven’t just shut this down and said that it’s not right to maintain this friendship with C while they want different things from each other, and to wish C well in the future. C shouldn’t just be used as an ego boost, and if B is committed to A, B should not be giving C false hope.

I would be interested to know the genders involved. I think I can guess, but would be interesting to have it confirmed.

I agree, very wrong of C to have said anything anyway given they are aware A and B are in a relationship and they’ve stated feelings then and still now! Although B has said there is only friendship on the table. I don’t think C will read it like that, regardless of the genders involved if I were A I don’t think I’d condone C’s disrespect or B’s acceptance of it. Why would B want to maintain a friendship which more than likely will end up causing harm to their relationship

Mikejeff1994 · 12/09/2025 03:09

Me and my female best friend had no strings sex I knew what she wanted and visa versa we are still best mates now but no longer have sex

Athreedoorwardrobe · 12/09/2025 03:18

It's not unreasonable to stay friends with an ex. It is very unreasonable to continue a friendship with someone who has literally told you they want more than that. It's disrespectful to your partner and to the person you are supposedly friends with. It's like you've ignored everyone's feelings but your own. I don't think that's ok.
The fwb stuff is irrelevant. I'm still good friends with someone I had that situation with a long time ago. I'm happily married to someone else. But the thing is me and this friend have no romantic feelings towards each other at all. If one of us did then that friendship would have to end out of respect for everyone involved.

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