To block him, cry and move on?

[yellowbluesky]

Hello,

I need a big hand hold. I haven't slept, have been crying for days, and feel so lonely. I just turned 33 and have no partner on the horizon. No kids. I worry about fertility.

I know it's not long, but I met DP 3 months ago on Bumble, and I genuinely thought "this is it". We genuinely had a connection and he put in loads of effort.

Context for DP: He has two kids who live around 2 hours away give or take. He has a property where they are, and a property where I am based. When we met, he had a project where I am based and genuinely had less on. He then took on a project where his kids are based which became a lot more full on as it progressed.

When he was based where I am, I was so cautious for fear of being lovebombed. He would constantly try and see me, I tried to keep it down to once a week. I never stopped my hobbies or my obligations. I would take breaks from messaging him and would say I'm busy, lets talk tomorrow.

I didn't see him for two weeks as he became based close to his kids for the new project and was helping out more with them (NOT A PROBLEM). He put so much effort into trying to make things work. He blocked out a weekend for us and it was truly magical.

During that week, he made no plans to meet, but said the weekend made him sure this is for keeps. He asked me if I felt the same. I said yes. When we spoke on the phone I asked when I was going to see him. He said "Haven't I already seen you this week?". We went from him trying to meet 3 times a week, to "Haven't I already seen you this week?".

A week after I last saw him, he was back in my area and cancels on our plans via text because its "freezing" he's "tired" and has to hit the road at 5am for a 90 minute drive. He's always communicated via text, I don't like it, but I don't overthink that one.

Another week goes by and no plans are mentioned so I end it. Not because I'm clingy, but because of what I view to be a change in personality / behaviour. We talk it through and he calls me a couple of days later calling my message extremely hurtful. He's meant to see me the next day and doesn't turn up. I get a text at 1am begging for forgiveness, with pictures of a destroyed tire. He says '"I need to see you tomorrow" and indeed he does. But dare I say, I had to practically force him. He gets a phone call from work, and has to leave ten minutes into the meeting. The call was genuine. My mood shifts a little. He gives me the password to his phone, opens it in front of me, and proceeds to rant about how there is no one else.

I haven't seen him since that ten minute meeting 3 weeks ago. Last weekend was my birthday. Without prompting, he called and promised to drive down, lamenting that "it's been too long" and he misses me.

The day ticks by, he makes small talk and mentions nothing of seeing me so I crack on. Eventually I ask him when he's getting here. He says "I didn't hear from you so presumed you were busy" as though he never used to just make a move and text me he's on his way when we had plans. It seemed like a cop out excuse. I don't text back. He's apologetic and says he will come tomorrow. He doesn't because of "weather warnings" despite driving his kids around all day. The next day he doesnt come but gives no excuse.

All throughout this, we message as normal in an affectionate way. It doesn't give me hope - it's exhuasting and makes me feel im being used for an ego boost.

This weekend I pull back, and he does too. I call him yesterday and to my suprise he actually calls me back fairly quickly. The line is horrible so we get off the phone, but he doesn't call me back again after saying he will "shortly". I message him if he's had a busy day and he messages back two words. I felt sick to be honest and havent respond. I'm an insecure mess...but my pride does kick in eventually.

The change in behaviour is so hurtful. I really thought I was one of those lucky people who met someone.

All thoughout this, the change of pace has come up, and he says "I want us to be together, stop overthinking". He goes on and on and on about how he would never lead me on, how everything is fine.

Honestly, I feel like he's embarrased about how full on he was at the start, he knows he's done wrong, and can't face it. I want to so desperately believe he's genuinely "just busy", but he's been busy before and still tried to squeeze little meetings in. I swallowed my pride and offered to come to him. He called it a "good idea to discuss" and hasn't mentioned it. He forgets he invited me down twice at the start and I declined as I felt it was too soon for me.

Lastly, I've met his mother 3/4 times, his uncle and his niece. I just don't understand how a grown man with 2 kids and a failed marraige could even gave time for such games.

I feel so exhuasted. And to be honest, just want to block him, but I don't have it in me. I've been through so much that I wont mention in this post but from sexual assult to emotional abuse to medical issues - I've waded through it - alone. I'm 33 with no kids, no partner and picking myself back up doesn't feel the same as it did when I was 22.

I know not all woman want to settle down, but I do. When will it be my bloody turn? I'm not sulking or being dramatic, my biological clock is ticking, and dare I say, don't I deserve to be happy too? This really really wieghs me down.

Some kind words and anyone who met their person and had kids in their 30s sharing their story would mean a lot.

xox

@DownThePubWithStevieNicks Thanks I really appreciate this. He never ever showered me with gifts or was charming. He was quite normal. The love bombing I mention was the constantly wanting to see me several times a week and the intense messaging. Never got flowers, never got an I love you, none of that. It was sort of emotional love bombing. Very subtle. Introducing me to the mum, the uncle, other family members....making plans for the future...I would always cut him off and say "listen if you want to go on holiday, just book it", but after a while, I started to ignore the red flags because my inner child just wanted a hug, to be seen, to be noticed, to be wanted.

UPDATE:

I blocked yesterday and have been miserable, but have stuck to it.

I really need therapy. Like a lot of it. Sorry but talking this through here is really helping. All the therapists I've reached out to are booked. I'll email another batch today.

Please be nice. I'm being vulnerable here and the advice is really really getting me through this. I wanted to share some red flags that I ignored. I've been gaslit so much in life...that even basic things that would send a woman running didn't with me. Sigh. I basically have never had the balls to say "I don't like this, this is smelly, goodbye" because all my life i was told "You are so extra...you are so annoying...you are lying...it's all in your head...it's not that deep".

Here they are ladies.....

• I forgot to give this context: It's not that he just stopped seeing me....he was cancelling plans.The reason it got to me blocking him is because he said he'd see me 4 times and cancelled each one via text back to back. Twice he never even cancelled. I'd ask him where he was and he'd say sorry I'm not coming with an excuse. He blamed a weather warning once, but was driving his kids around in that same weather earlier that day. He would always text me to cancel. Never once a phone call.
• The first time he cancelled via text, I called him to discuss. He refused to pick up because he was "tired" and "not in the mood". When I pulled him up on it two days later, he pretended to not remember what happened. He's done that several times.
• He told me before me he was seeing a girl he didn't really fancy, but he liked her personality. He took her on holiday, then dumped her after. i pulled him up on it and said "that's very cruel", why would you waste her time? He said he thought he liked her but he was just bored and lonely. To be honest my stomach flipped when he told me about her, but he assured me - for lack of a better term - of all the things that were different about us. For example - that I'd met his mother.
• He lied about his hieght on the app by a couple of inches. When I met him I was taken aback.
• He lied about the languages he spoke on the app to attract his ideal "type", which I am not.
• He lied about liking dogs. I pulled him up on this and he smirked awkwardly and was like "yeah well you have to put that to increase your chances"
• He lied about having a postgrad degree on the app and seems to have forgotten it's on there, because when I asked if he went to uni, he immediately looked confused and would say "No, I told you"
• He also lied about having a degree on his Linkedin that I found early on.
• I sent him the link for an STD kit, he said the results had not come after two weeks. Then he said he sent for another one. Then those results allegedly came back clear, only after I asked him about it, and he never showed me the results stating "don't you trust me"
• He had a prick on his finger. He said it was from the STD test where you need your blood for the HiV bit. I asked him how his finger was a week later, just being a little silly with him, and he said he nipped it on the bin. The week before, it was from the STD test.
• The first time we ever spoke, he wouldn't stop mentioning how "well he had done for himself".
• He said he has a driver because he hates public transport. Public transport is all he ever took when we were together. He avoided ordering us a taxi despite it being dark, rainy and cold after one date. We took the bus. This is fine, but so different from how he spoke about his habits initially...
• He over exaggerated his success/job in loads of different ways - or perhaps illusions of grandeaur? I was never particularly impressed with what he was talking about. Ever. He sometimes acted up in his role, but made it sound that was his full time gig. It wasn't. His full time gig was the less senior role. Absolutely fine...but I noticed.
• He avoids paying taxes and boasted about it.
• He resented paying child maintenance and wanted a medal for doing it.
• He never picked up the phone to me once. He would always call me back - if anything.
• I never spoke to him in his home in his hometown. He was always driving or on the road when he called me.
• He said he was attracted to my phenotype, but I noticed he had a particular fetish for a type of woman who looked nothing like me. He would always get a little smirk when he mentioned that ethnicity....like a school boy. He would call women who were not that ethnicity, that ethnicity, as a compliment?? I would say she's not X....But it was like he was praising them or something?

In therapy, I want to look at how my self esteem could be so low. Why my life outlook is so bleak, that I thought I could not do better than this? Why I was so desperate for attention, that someone who I thought was good looking could get away with such foolishness with me. He's not the last attractive man on the planet! When I say attractive - I mean attractive to me. Loads of women wouldn't have found him attractive but I did. He was no Brad Pitt. But it meant so much to me, that someone I fancied, would fancy me back! I have deep rejection / abandonment issues.

Sigh.

OP I was in your exact situation at your age but my life changed dramatically for the better at 37 years 4 months ! So you’ve got approx 4 years on me !! 🙌

OP, if it helps a little bit the "when you know, you know" feeling for me was more about how chilled and relaxed I felt with now DH. It wasn't huge hearts and gestures. It was meeting up a few times as friends then regretting not kissing home before he went home one time. It was being able to just sit and chat all night and be myself, like we had known each other for years.

I hope you keep him blocked, all those examples of lying in your last update would be reasons enough to have dumped him without the cancelling. That is not a decent man.

OP, I had a similar-ish experience as you at 32. 3 month fling where I was love bombed and then dropped.

Stick with the blocking. For the love of God, don't let him back in. I know it hurts and you're craving him like a drug, but bloody don't.

I'm currently laying next to sleeping fiance, in our joint first house we bought together. I'm just about to turn 36. I met him about a year after headfucker, out of the blue. I thank God that I didn't end up with 3 month guy, no matter how crazy about him I was at the time, convinced he was "the one". He was a head fucking fucker, is what he was. Just that.

It still actually hurts from time to time still, to look back on how I was just dropped after all these flowery words, random gifts and seemingly loving actions. I truly thought he was the one... because thats what he manufactured, not because he was. That's the nature of their game, it's meant to burrow into your brain.

DO. NOT. GO. BACK. Im proud of you. It will all be ok.

@yellowbluesky you see it, that is the first step. I went into a relationship after my toxic ex, ignoring some red flags, and it got physical. That shocked me so much I was alone for five years, but it was the best thing ever and then I met my Mr. And was looking for flags, not seeing them. He did what he said, he didn’t let me down or mislead me, he had boundaries and respected mine, he didn’t expect unreasonable things or leech off me or fail to match my efforts with his own. Over five years later he still meets this bar and we are really happy. But I wouldn’t have been able to be with him if I hadn’t done the work in that period of being single.

I know you want to have a baby. I had mine with someone controlling and toxic, and while I live for my dc, it hasn’t been easy. While you are doing the work on yourself can I suggest you try to think differently about motherhood.
Maybe picture what you might do if you don’t have a baby. Go up the career ladder, move to Korea and teach English, travel the Americas in a campervan, start a business?
Maybe think about doing it alone. It’s hard, but I would argue that the wrong father is far harder than no father in the picture at all. If you have supportive friends or family, maybe this would be an option.

A final word, on therapy. I found the most helpful were Internal Family Systems/parts work, and Compassionate Inquiry. Previous talking therapy had done nothing to help me see and understand and move past my issues. So if the therapist you find doesn’t seem helpful, don’t give up.

Best wishes to you.

I don't have any advice. I just wanted to say I'm really sorry you're feeling so low. You matter. How you feel matters and shouldn't be dismissed.

@yellowbluesky sounds like he’s playing games, no need to put up with that.

Don’t get too hung up about your age and having a baby, 33 is still young. I say that as someone who was in an abusive marriage for a decade, there were also unknown fertility issues.

I left and never looked back, met my now husband 4 years later and had my baby at 42.

What I’m trying to say is, take time for yourself to heal and know your worth, don’t just settle for anyone. Sending you hugs xx

@Agix THANK YOU!!!!!! From the bottom of my heart. Some comments have been so snarky and nasty....acting like 3 months is nothing and not reading my post properly when I say that feeling as though you've met the one is a REAL FEELING! I genuinely felt I met my "person". Loads of people do after that amount of time and no one judges them when it goes right!

I genuinely thought it was my turn. I genuinely just liked him. The way he made me feel....the way he held me...the way he was such a gentleman and never pressured for sex...his good morning messages. The way we held hands. It felt so real. Like something that couldn't be faked. So I dismissed the lying as him being insecure.

It felt so good to just cuddle with someone. We never even did crazy fancy dates , nor was I showered with gifts. He's emotionally drained me! It was such a subtle love bomb. We never fought, never had an awkward moment...nothing...he genuinely got bored and moved on.

@Rosesanddaffs Thanks, means a lot.

Aw, OP, you're not the first person - man or woman - to have been tricked or to overlook the red flags because you're lonely.

Three months isn't that long, but it's long enough to get drawn in. I don't know what's wrong with some people today, but they seem increasingly immoral, confused and generally fucked up. I honestly don't think think your expeirence is that unusual these days. I think a lot of women have expeirenced the love bombing and switch. God only knows why they do it, I'm sure the reasons are different for each of them.

I would definitely agree about you going through a withdrawal of sorts and that's mostly down to the excessive messaging. That ping of the phone is addictive and it feels lonely and generally shit without it. I think a lot of people can identify with that. When you're ready to date again, that's definitely something to be wary of.

Sorry you're having such a rough time - things will get better.

Honestly, I wouldn’t bother with the crying bit. Just block and move on x

@AmICrazyToEvenBother God bless you for this message. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and that I will die alone. But messages like yours affirm that I did nothing wrong, and this behaviour, especially via dating apps, is on the rise. I'm not trying to be rude, but they also probably have never experienced how lovely these men can be. He wasn't sexual or over the top. It was all kisses on the nose....stroking my cheek...staring into my eyes...making breakfast....the little things.

The sad thing is, I really tried to pace myself at the start, but ignorantly thought "how long can a man keep this up if it isn't real?". Now I know to pace myself for 6 bloody months to a year and the right guy will have patience!

I also spoke with a very very bad therapist who told me to "just enjoy it"....WORST ADVICE EVER. I suspected love bombing and whilst confiding that to her, instead of hearing me out, and acknowledging love bombing is real and giving me tools to perhaps address this with him or reaffirm my boundaries, she literally made me sound miserable.

The next guy I meet, if he is a big texter I will straight up tell him that it's false intimacy, and I prefer quality time. I don't mind a daily check in, but endless texting is a red flag for me now and was at the start of this but it was so hard to pull away. I stopped going to the gym...writing my book....my stomach is turning.

Thank you so much for affirming how dehabilitating loneliness is. How addictive that ping and "good morning" message can be. It's like crack. Genuinely. Posts like yours are saving my life, honestly, a woman at work yesterday was talking about her wedding....it was like a knife.

OP, the pacing yourself stuff is not going to help you - you’re trying to game early dating so it turns into long term and kids, but you do just need to go with the flow. It’s fine to see each other 2 or 3 times a week if that’s what you want.

The bit you shouldn’t rush is the imagining the future and thinking you’re in love. You seem to have had the worst of both worlds - you’ve artificially limited your time together but you’ve still fallen way too fast and deep.

I’ll also say that imo it’s normal and healthy if in the first three months it’s more sexual than romantic/loving!

Him being a habitual liar and flake is inexcusable. But it’s also possible he started to withdraw because you were putting false boundaries around how often you’d see him, how long you’d take to respond to messages, etc.

@DownThePubWithStevieNicks

Hey - I did often see him more than once a week, I'm just saying when I suspected love bombing I very politely said I missed him but had plans and focused on myself a little more. It felt a little too much and I don't think it would have affected the outcome because I was seeing him a lot already. I only saw him once a week like twice! One time I never saw him for two weeks and it was him saying he was busy the entire time - not me!

I was affectionate, kind, messaged back very quickly, he always said he knew how I felt about him and showered me with compliments for being so loyal and loving.

I did not under any circumstances "play it cool".

Basically - him pulling away had nothing to do with me. I was sweet and messaged him lovely things, often telling him I missed him (he told me he missed me too). He's just a gaslighting, love bombing, dating app addicted demon to be honest.

Ok, fair enough.

But the reality is that you will likely have several short-term things before something sticks. I know you’re really, really keen to meet someone to settle down with but you have to protect yourself a bit, not fall head over heels so quickly, and not think any old relationship will do.

He was praising you for being loving and loyal? I don’t personally think you can love someone after a few months, and you definitely don’t owe them any loyalty.

I’m not trying to kick you when you’re down, I know how desperately keen you are to have a relationship. But you need to do the work on yourself first before you can attract a nice steady man who will be a good partner and father.

@DownThePubWithStevieNicks

Hey -again - and I'm not trying too be difficult...I'm trying to learn.

I don't mind stuff not working out. I've had a few short term things that didn't work out. I don't fall for every guy I date - I'm not that broken.

What burns about this is the love bombing.

Are you saying that even if a man makes you feel amazing ....you should reel it in? How? How long before you fell in love with your partner? Should I run a mile if I start feeling things to early? How does one detach? Seriously.

I'm only human. How do I quiet butterflies when I guy I like takes my hand? How do I not feel warm and fuzzy when he kisses me on the forehead? How do I not feel optimistic when I meet his mother, uncle and niece?

How do you just skip along those experiences and catch no feelings for someone treating you how you've always wanted to be treated?

Is there a special therapy? A breathing technique? A meditation method. I'm not being snarky - I am LOST.

I must stress there were no flowers, love poems, holidays or gifts. It felt like two adults falling in love. I swear to GOD!! The way he would look at me! He had bloody teary eyes sometimes! We'd just stare at each other in bed, kiss and not even talk, not even have sex. I thought love bombing was more verbal....this felt so natural.

Sigh.

Of course you can feel butterflies, and like it when he kisses your forehead. I guess what I’m saying is you need to recognise that it’s your hormones (and hopes for the future) going mad but after a few months it’s not love.

Meeting his mother and other family members after a few months is too soon, imo.

It’s relatively easy for me to say, because I just don’t fall that hard that quickly and wouldn’t like a man that did, but I think the trick is not mistaking the rush of hormones for something ‘real’ after just a few months. And also, unfortunately, that something might be great for a few months then go poof because one or both aren’t feeling it any more. It’s no reflection on your worth, it’s just how it goes.

@DownThePubWithStevieNicks Thanks. That really makes sense and no one talks about hormones and how wanting a baby can affect you.

There's women who came off the pill and were repulsed by their partner.

I still get little pangs ...but believe it or not, my chest is feeling a little lighter by the hour :)

A little thought crossed my mind and said "wow, you're going to be ok"

I'm hurt by what's happened, but it wasn't right for me....yes my tummy is turning from the aftermath of feeling rejected and strung along...but there's a weight off me from no longer burying the red flags. No one talks about how much that takes out of you.

It felt nice today not being glued to my phone wondering when he was going to text, or thinking of something clever to say to keep his attention, or picking apart his every word because there was an "off" vibe. Wondering why he hadn't called me "babe" all day. He was so subtly hot and cold ...it was like an art form.

Thanks for chatting - you're a star and you've really helped me. I know it's online but I'm a real person who hasn't eaten in two days from my stomach being in knots. I still cried today and I'll cry tomorrow - but I've written many messages to him trying to to get back together and vomit rises to my throat before I can press send. That's progress and that's because of lovely people like you. Never under-estimate the power of being nice on this platform.

x

The best advice I was given was that a 'good' relationship should never be that hard, especially in the beginning. No big doubts, no stress etc. It was at a time when I was at a time when I was going through something similar to you. He ended it and a few days later I met a man who is now my fiance and we have a 5 year old child together. When I met him I was 37! It can happen but the longer you waste time on men like this, the less time you have to find someone persect for you.

There is no "special" therapy, breathing exercise or trick you have to learn OP. You simply need long term proper talking (person-centred) therapy so you can develop your self-awareness. You can learn to understand and know yourself inside out so that you are immediately aware of feelings as they arise and can instantly recognise patterns in your thoughts and behaviours, and see triggers, and thereby make decisions from your "adult ego state", rather than from your child.

To be honest OP your recent update is basically aligning exactly with my last post, which you ignored. But I'm glad you are seeking therapy and I wish you luck with it. Stick with it as things might become harder before they get easier but sometimes we all need to dismantle ourselves so that we can rebuild ourselves in a healthier, stronger way.

You seem very full on OP.
you sent him a link for a STD test?
you lost me at that point.

I felt exactly like you are feeling in my early 30s. I came across this goofy little book, did the exercises and started to feel differently about it all... More aware of my role in letting frogs hang around and just calmer and less bothered one way or the other. I did meet someone shortly afterwards and it all worked out just fine. But either way, the book helped me see things differently. Book was ....Do Not Talk To, Touch, Marry, or Otherwise Fiddle with Frogs: How to Find Prince Charming by Finding Yourself by Nailah Shami https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/705556.Do_Not_Talk_To_Touch_Marry_or_Otherwise_Fiddle_with_Frogs. Hopefully still available, could be a bit of self therapy while waiting for an appointment?

I got my ex to have a checkup and I had one too. What’s wrong with that?

Don't feel foolish, you should feel relieved you dodged a bullet. You came on mumsnet because you recognised something wasn’t right and blocked him when you realised he was just playing mind games.
Love bombing is empty words to reel you in, then being ignored/ cancelling dates to make you insecure. It’s just a game to them to ensure they have a constant supply of women. He’s a fantasist so his words are meaningless.
You have to learn to make sure someone’s words and actions match, for longer than three months.
What your feeling right now is boredom, when you were part of his game you had hope, to make him see his ways were damaging the relationship you hoped you had, once you saw there was no relationship, you blocked him. You feel a void in yourself, fill that void by being extra kind to yourself, treat yourself how you would treat a beloved person. Learn to love the amazing woman you are and relish that you are not confused anymore.